by Nel Franks
It was such a general description that I quickly stopped trying to find him. It meant I had to look men in the face, and I was finding that rather difficult. After a long time, we gave up, and drifted down towards the edge of the Festival Field. Gaia lounged against the edge of a closed stall, while I paced up and down. I could see mixed couples walking down the dusty paths between the stalls, some still carrying tankards of ale, and some with their arms around each other. The women mostly looked happy, laughing and flirting with the men. A few looked very nervous, or uncomfortable, but they were all walking down of their own free will. I saw some of the older Apprentices, blushing red, holding hands with young men, apparently going to the Field for the first time.
As the dusk was fading, I could see couples spreading out around the Field. Some sat down under the trees and continued to talk and eat and drink. Some of the older women had evidently thought ahead and were spreading out rugs and blankets on the grass. Behind a tree quite close to the stalls, I could hear rhythmic grunts and vocalisations. I knew enough from the Birthers to know what was happening.
A man came staggering out from behind a bush, still buttoning up his pants. The woman came out after him, picking bits of dried grass out of her hair and brushing down her skirts. As she went past us, she glanced at me and said,
‘Well, that was a waste of time and effort.’ I must have looked shocked, because she stopped and said, ‘If I’m going to lie down with a man, I want to have some fun out of it. I want someone who can get it up, keep it up and take longer than a minute to finish it off!’
She stumped off up the road and quickly hailed another man who had a spare tankard in his hand. Ooooh! Filfthy sow! Mentally, I grimly agreed.
‘Have you seen enough, Rosie?’
Gaia was getting bored I could tell.
‘Yes, alright, let’s go.’
I was feeling quite proud of myself for having come this close to all the rampant rutting, and not feeling sick or anxious. I said as much to Gaia and she nodded supportively.
Suddenly someone called out her name. Her head came up, quickly scanning the crowd. A young man detached himself from a group around a barrel and ran over towards us.
‘Gaius! I thought it was you!’
She grabbed his arm, shushing him.
‘I’m Gaia here, not Gaius! Be quiet, you’ll give me away to everyone.’
He looked comically guilty, shushing himself with his finger over his lips.
‘And who is this lovely creature with you, Gaius-I-mean-Gaia?’
He peered at me lopsidedly and bowed, a little too far and nearly fell. Gaia grabbed his arm again and hauled pulled him back.
‘You’re drunk already, Anndri. This is Rosie, and believe me, she doesn’t want to get to know you; at least, not while you’re like this.’
‘Aww, Gaia, that’s not very nice. Rosie’ll like me, won’t you, Rosie?’ He tried to throw an arm around my shoulders, but I sidestepped to avoid him.
‘Definitely not,’ I said primly, pulling my skirts away from him. ‘I don’t like men, and I definitely don’t like drunk ones.’
‘Well, come with me, Gaia, and meet some of my friends. I know you won’t want to lie with any of them, I understand that. And anyway, if you were going to lie with anyone, it would have to be me, wouldn’t it?’
He draped his arm companionably about her shoulders and they turned back towards his group.
‘You don’t have to come if you don’t like men, Rosie,’ he called back over his shoulder.
Gaia shot me a pleading look, so I tagged along after them.
‘This is Gaia,’ he announced to his friends, ‘and this is Rosie. Apparently, she doesn’t like men. Anyway, they’re not allowed to lie with us.’ The faces of several boys fell. ‘But it won’t be hard for us to spend some time with these lovely girls, will it?’
The group grinned then, and some of them moved to make room. One young man handed me a tankard of ale, which I sipped. I thought I probably wouldn’t talk to any of them, and for a while I watched Gaia. She stood straighter, talked and laughed louder, and seemed more free-spirited than I had ever seen. Suddenly I understood; this was what Gaia looked like when she pretended to be a boy in the Male Enclave. She was very good at it, although the floaty Festival dress didn’t add to her masculine image. After a while, the men stopped looking at her lasciviously. They traded banter and jokes, and got into a conversation about trading, which was very boring.
One large soft-looking young man, with a thin uneven ginger beard, turned slowly towards me. He kept a polite distance, so I found it hard to hear every word he said.
‘Sister Rosie, what do you think of the Festival this year?’
He spoke in a quiet deep voice, with a gentle intonation. I approved of his proper mode of address. But a hot rush of outrage reddened my cheeks, that he would take the liberty of initiating a conversation.
‘Oh, I don’t think you want...’
I caught myself before I could make the derogatory reply that had leapt to mind. He had spoken respectfully, so perhaps I could speak with him and learn some more about males.
‘Oh, I don’t think you want to compare one year with another,’ I reframed.
‘How so?’
He took a sip from his tankard and continued to look at me with anticipation.
‘Well, I suppose you haven’t been to other Festivals, have you?’
I tried to keep my tone light, but it did sound a bit condescending. He shook his head, but didn’t turn away, so I resolved to speak more carefully.
‘This is my third festival as an acolyte,’ I said, trying for modest pride. ‘It’s different this year. I was watching the first years, the girls who have just become acolytes, and they seem so young and innocent to me. They were so excited. We were, too, back then.’
He smiled a little into his tankard, and said gently,
‘Are you so very old, then, Sister Rosie?’
There was a twinkle in his eyes which made it clear he was gently joking with me.
‘Oh,’ I said, feeling suddenly diffident, but warmer, ‘No, not so very old. But sometimes I feel as though I’ve aged a lifetime since then. It’s been quite a hard year for me.’
He faced me directly then, looking at me with keen curiosity.
‘What’s happened to make it so hard?’
I stammered a little, caught out by his genuine interest. I couldn’t possibly tell him what my issues had been, so instead I spoke about working in the Birthers, and learning all about birth.
‘Have you actually seen a birth then, Rosie?’
He stepped a little closer in the press of people around us.
‘No, not yet. I only started in the Birthers a few months ago and they think we’re too inexperienced at this point. But I’ve seen...’
I stopped, on the brink of telling him I’d seen intercourse, but suddenly it seemed very inappropriate to discuss such a thing with a man on the night of Summer Festival.
‘I’ve seen pictures of it, in our textbooks.’ I finished a bit primly.
‘Ah, even there, you’re lucky. We have no such books in our libraries, at least that I know of. I would love to know more about birth. I want to have children of my own, you know. I come from a large family, lots of cousins, all boys of course. My father thinks having sons is the most important thing in the world, that’s why he paid for me to come this year. Father has three sons, so I have two brothers, both younger than me. It’s very unusual you know. And now he wants grandsons, so here I am.’
He stared down into his tankard, looking a little flushed and awkward.
‘Do you want to lie with a woman?’ I asked impulsively.
‘Oh yes, I do. I want to find out what it’s like. We spend a lot of time thinking about it, you know,’ he smiled in a self-deprecating way. ‘But it’s my first time, and I find I’m a bit shy. I can’t imagine going up to some woman and dragging her off to the Field. I’ve discovered I want to find out abo
ut her first, spend some time talking, get to know her a bit before we have to ‘know’ each other so intimately.’ Again, he blushed, as he made little quotation marks with his fingers around the intimate knowledge he implied.
‘Couldn’t your father send you to the Temple? You have a much better chance of siring a child, and you’ll know who the mother is and if she has a son, it’s sure you get him afterwards.’
‘Ah, no. My father is reasonably well to do, he can afford to enter the lottery for a place for me in the Field, but he can’t afford the fees to go to the Temple. He thinks this way we have more chances. Myself, I think I’d prefer to go to the Temple. Do you know a lot about how it’s arranged, seeing as you’ve worked there?’
We began to stroll along the pathway between the stalls as I explained about what happened when men came to the Temple. As we walked, he was attentive, asking sensible questions. After some time, he stopped, took a deep breath and said,
‘Are you sure you wouldn’t like to lie with me in the Field, Rosie? You’re the nicest girl I’ve ever talked too.’ He laughed a little. ‘Well, you’re the only girl I’ve ever talked to, but you are nice.’
I was shocked and a bit horrified, but not as much as I had thought I would be. He had been pleasant, and respectful, and shown such an interest in my studies that I found I didn’t want to be hurtful to him.
‘Oh no! I won’t, ever! I mean, I can’t. I don’t want to hurt your feelings when you’ve been polite, but I’m still an Initiate Acolyte, and we are not allowed to lie with men. We’re allowed to come down to the Fair and the dancing, and this year to drink some alcohol, but the Protectors won’t...’
I was babbling, and embarrassed. He smiled, and took my hand, which made me shiver with apprehension. I pulled it away quickly. Beast! Taking liberties! hissed the voice in my head. I deliberately ignored it.
‘Ah, well. That’s alright then. I’m glad to know the truth of it. Perhaps we’ll meet another year, when you’re older and ready.’
I shook my head.
‘That’s never going to happen but thank you for being civil. I thought all men were awful, but you’re not and I ...’
I was babbling again and made a big effort to stop and regain my dignity.
‘Will you find some other woman this year?’
He looked away over the Field, considering.
‘I suppose I’ll have to, given what my father has invested. But I don’t much feel like it, I find. Perhaps you’ve spoiled me for other women.’ He gave a gentle grin, lightening the ponderous compliment.
I looked away, flustered. He took my hand again and shocked me into silence as he threaded it through his arm. We walked slowly back down the pathway.
Gaia raised her eyebrows as we arrived back at the barrel with me on his arm. As we stopped, he brushed the back of my hand with his lips, and said,
‘My name is Gil, Rosie, and I hope we meet again.’
I was still too taken aback to say anything, so I was glad when Gaia wrapped her arm around my shoulder, and said,
‘We’ll keep an eye out for you Gil, and all of you, over the next few years. Goodbye!’ she called out as we made our way back up towards the Hall. The men waved hands and tankards and turned back towards the barrel.
We said nothing for a long time as we walked up the road. Eventually, Gaia said,
‘How’s your research on men coming along, Rosie?’
I shook my head a little in amazement. ‘It’s taken a new direction, I think, Gaia. Some unexpected results have come up. I’ll have to think about it some more.’
She grinned and held open the door for me as we went inside.
The Crawling Gate
Rosie, Late Autumn, Year Three, Initiates
WORK AND LIFE HAD SETTLED down to a mundane routine after Summer Festival. I continued my studies, and the levels of revulsion I felt about the act of sexual intercourse decreased to a level I could manage. If I was going to research conception, I was going to have to study intercourse too. The daily exposure in the Birthers, both in study and in preparing the Conception Rooms, gradually increased my tolerance. I knew it was something I would never want to do, but I found I was beginning to accept the process for other women.
One morning in late autumn I got up early and went for a walk around the Core. The last of the red and gold leaves were falling, and already we were halfway through year three of Initiates. So much had happened! I tried to remember exactly what I had thought about my training, and being allocated to the Birthers, and men, and sex, those long months ago. It seemed like a lifetime of difference. At Summer Festival, Gil had been polite and respectful, and he had touched me – well, my hand, at least. I had used to think I would die if a man touched me, but I had found it was bearable – a bit larger and warmer and firmer than a female’s hand, but I hadn’t felt the fierce terror I had expected. I had been apprehensive, but not horrified.
If this much had happened in six months, how much else was going to happen in the rest of the year? I almost felt weary thinking about it. But indeed, my feelings about men had changed somewhat. I still thought lying with them was disgusting, but I could see that my opinion was probably in the minority. But I wanted to devise a way for women like me, who wanted to have babies but didn’t want to lie with men, and I wanted to be able to ensure female children. I had found what I wanted to do in studying conception, and the vocation I wanted to undertake, to become a researching Temple Mistress. I was proud of my progress.
My musings had brought me back to the Acolytes Hall, as others were just beginning to leave. I smiled and waved to a few I knew. They looked a bit surprised and hesitant to wave back. Perhaps I had been rather awful these last months. I felt so much better now, it felt like recovering from a long illness.
My friendship with Gaia and Tomma regained some of its early ease. Tomma talked a lot about Rove and almost glowed each time. One day, piqued by curiosity, I asked her what they had done on the night of Festival.
She blushed. ‘Not much, Rosie. We couldn’t lie together, you know that, and we did keep running into Protectors everywhere we went.’ She looked rueful. ‘I didn’t want to lie with him, I don’t think I’m ready. But we did ...’ she paused; her eyes were unfocussed. ‘Well, we did find a place where we could sit under a tree, right in sight of the Protectors, and we talked, and held hands, and he ...’ she sighed deeply, her eyes now gleaming, ‘well, we kissed. Quite a lot.’
A shiver of disgust ran down my spine. But Tomma laughed, seemingly surprised at herself. Whether it was because she had kissed him a lot, or enjoyed it, I couldn’t tell. She leaned forward confidentially.
‘It was wonderful, Rosie! I didn’t know anything about how to do it. I haven’t kissed with any girl. I’ve never had a girlfriend, the way Gaia did with Ellina. We just had to make it up. It was ... kind of delicious, and soft, and exciting ...’ Her voice trailed off and her eyes were becoming unfocussed again.
‘Are you going to keep meeting him at the Gate?’ I was unable to stop the sharp note in my voice.
‘Yes, of course. Why?’
‘Will you take me again?’
‘Oh, Rosie! I know you feel much better, and you do seem better to me ... but I don’t want to ask Rove again. He said he was surprised how nice you looked, when you had been so embarrassing at the Gate. But he doesn’t want to talk about those things with you. Don’t ask me anymore, alright?’
She got up and walked away, the confidential mood broken.
THREE WEEKS AFTER THE Autumn Harvest Festival, Mistress Noola called together all the acolytes serving in the Healing Hall. Tomma was there with the other First Aiders and waved to me.
‘Sisters, relinquishment time has come for the women who had babies from the Summer Festival a year and a half ago. Those children are now around 9 months old and have been weaned and reached the crawling stage. This is always a very difficult time for mothers. As members of the Healing House, it is our job to understand what this is
like, to offer comfort and support to our sisters.
‘The mothers of the girl children will take their daughters to the infant’s dormitory over the next few days. Their partners and friends will accompany them. The mothers of the boy children will gather this evening and go to the Gate. Some will have their partners or friends with them. We will be there for all of them. Please be ready immediately after dinner.’
I was quite surprised that we were required to participate. I had thought it was done privately with family or friends. I remembered Gaia’s description of going with Lenna. And I also remembered how heartbroken Lenna had been, even after the event. It had seemed then—and still seemed now—a bit excessive to be so affected for such a long time. After all, it was just a little baby; she hadn’t known it very long.
After dinnertime, I put on my warm hooded cloak and stood with Tomma at the top of the road leading down to the Gate. Slowly groups of women gathered there. Some mothers were hugging their boys, so tightly that the little ones were struggling and crying. Many of the other women were weeping too. Others were acting untroubled, trying to keep their babies from becoming distressed. But the atmosphere was not calm, and more and more of the children were becoming upset. Then the Mistresses of the Healing House arrived, with the last of the reluctant mothers.
As a group, we walked slowly down the road. Many of the mothers were becoming quite distraught and had to be physically supported by their partners or friends. One woman near me, walking on her own, stumbled, unable to see the road through her tears. Instantly Tomma went to her side, holding her up by the elbow.
‘It seems hard for you to see where you’re going,’ she said quietly. ‘Do you want me to carry the baby?’
The woman shook her head ferociously.
‘Don’t touch my baby!’ she hissed, with tears shining on her cheeks. Then she softened, moaning, ‘Let me have these last moments with him.’