Thinking of You

by Cassandra Javier

  Dean and I could be the perfect pair. But nothing’s perfect, and we were not. I was not.

  While walking around the bed-and-breakfast, I saw a familiar face. And he saw me, as well. I couldn’t be wrong—it was him. He walked towards me and started to speak.

 

  Chapter 3

  “Carlene?” My Highschool friend Alvin greeted me. I knew it was him, I couldn’t be wrong. I haven’t seen him in…two years? He looked great.

  “Hey, Alvin…what a surprise…” I said, “What are you doing here?”

  “Our company’s working on the furnishings, you know, for the re-modeling of this B & B…”

  “I see…” I said, “That’s…good…”

  He nodded his head, “So, how are you? I thought you were getting married…Oh, uhm, honeymoon?”

  I shook my head. “He’s not here.” I said.

  “Oh…so…it’s a bridal shower?”

  “Uh, no…” I said, “There’s no more wedding…”

  “Uh, what do you mean?”

  I laughed, but I noticed my own sadness, “I’m a runaway bride.” I quipped.

  “Oh.”

  “I’m stupid, huh?”

  “Don’t say that.” He said, “Hey listen, can you give me your number? You see, it’s a busy, busy day but I’ll be free tonight…We can talk it out, is it okay?”

  “Yeah, sure, no problem…Thanks, Alvin…”

  That night, Alvin and I met up at a seafood shack. We were sitting across each other while talking. I noticed he looked vibrant—and he looked great. He had this certain air in him which I always loved—I dunno, his mysteriousness, maybe, or his humor, well, definitely his wits…

  “So, what happened?” He asked.

  “Well…I ran away. I…I had doubts, at the last second. Crazy, huh?”

  “I bet he’s a jerk…” He said.

  “No, he’s not.”

  “Ah-ha, you’re making excuses for his actions!”

  “No, no, I’m not.” I said, “It’s true…he’s great. He is.”

  “So, why did you leave then?”

  “I…I got unsure.”

  “Oh.” He said, “Sorry.”

  I nodded my head, “I dunno, I just got all these thoughts…I had to go. His mom’s still so nice to me, though. I thought, she’d be so angry, and she has all the right to, when I called her up last night… yet, she still understands…It breaks my heart, you know?”

  He nodded his head, “Do you love him?”

  “Of course,” I said, “I wouldn’t have thought of marrying him if I didn’t… It’s just…everything dawned on me yesterday, all my plans, all these crazy thoughts… And I knew.”

  “Knew what?”

  “That I wasn’t yet ready to spend the rest of my life with him. That I may not be ready at all, ever.” There was silence and then I continued, “So, how about you? How are you? For some reason, it’s like, you’ve kept this big distance from me these past two years…I missed you, you know.”

  He smiled, “I missed you, too.” He said, “And I’m sorry…For like, just disappearing in your life… But I had to.”

  “You had to? What? Why?”

  “Because I was scared.”

  “Scared of what?”

  “Carlene, I don’t think it’s the proper time to tell you this…”

  “Tell me what?” I asked, “Alvin, it’s been too long…I think you could tell me whatever that is now.”

  He took a deep breath and then, “Carlene…I…I like you.” He said.

  “You…what?”

  “I said, I like you.” He repeated, “It’s just…I got scared so I didn’t tell you before…”

  “Oh, wow…wow…I knew it…”

  “You knew that I like you?”

  “Well, kinda…at least, I had an inkling…I wish you told me though…”

  “Why?” He asked, “I mean, what difference would it make? I’m pretty sure you don’t like me...You didn’t like me…”

  “Why would you even think that way?”

  “You always had all these guys, you know…Guys who were probably better than me…And there was…Frederick…”

  “Frederick?” I almost laughed, “You mean, you thought we were together?”

  “Why? Weren’t you?”

  “We never were.” I replied.

  “But you really liked him! And, and… I felt like, he made you happy.”

  “He did.” I said. “And yeah, I really liked him. And he liked me, as well. But that’s that. Nothing ever happened. We were just friends, we still are. We liked each other yes, but we chose not to do anything about it. He got married last year.” I say this without any bitterness or any trace of remorse. Because it’s true, there was none. Some things just have their time; and then after a while, things fizzle.

  “But I…I never thought…”

  “Well, you never asked.” I told him with a sly smile on my face. “You know Alvin, you’re pretty smart but you have a bad feeling about things…”

  “And what exactly does that mean?”

  I laughed and drank some martini, “Don’t you sill get it?” I said, “Alvin, I also like you. I always did. We were great friends, remember? When I couldn’t get in touch with you, it was so hard. I wanted to see you again, to talk to you. But you were always out of reach. I thought you never cared anymore.”

  He stared at me for a while and then, “I’m sorry.” He said.

  I nodded my head and smiled, “I wish you really told me, though.”

  “Why?”

  “So then, things might have been different. “

  There was another rush of silence until I broke it once more. “So, you don’t have any girlfriend?”

  He shook his head, “Still no girlfriend since birth.”

  “No way…”

  “It’s true.”

  I laughed, “You’re quite picky I bet.” I smiled.

  He laughed as well, “I just haven’t found the one.” He said, “No one like you, you know…I mean, how could I? You’re way too unique.”

  I laughed. “You’re a master of words, sweetie.” I said.

  “It’s true, my princess.” He smiled.

  I smiled as well. He used to call me “his princess” wile I called him my “jester”. I realized at that moment how much I missed Alvin. “I missed that.” I said.

  “You were definitely my princess. And I was such a jester…” He joked, “It’s true though…I guess, all this time, it was you I’ve been looking for.”

  “Too much flattery, sweetie.” I joked.

  He laughed, “So, does he know you’re here?”

  I shook my head, “No one knows. Not even Lili and Henry.”

  “Oh, how are they?”

  “They’re great.” I said, “You know, they make a great couple…Who knows? They might be getting married soon.”

  “Alvin?” Someone from behind me said. I turned around and saw Isabella, the woman whom Alvin liked in his early college days. She looks beautiful.

  “Isabella…Hey…” he said.

  “Hey, how are you…” she said as she walked up to him. He stood up.

  “I’m working here.” He replied, “I bet you’re vacationing?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Oh, Isabella, this is Carlene, a good friend.” He introduced. Isabella and I shook hands.

  “Uh, I guess I should get going…” I said, “You guys have a lot to catch up on.” I smiled. “Thanks for the night, Alvin.” I said, “I’ll see you around.” I then walked away.

  ***

  “Finally, I found you.” Alvin said later that night as he saw me sitting down on a bench at the back of the B & B I was staying in. I was drinking some martini while looking at the Taal Lake. He sat down beside me.

  “Why are you here? How’s the date with Isabella?” I joked.

  “You know it wasn’t a date.”

  I smiled, “Where is she?”

  “I walked her
back to her B & B.” He said.

  “And why is that, my dear?” I asked, “He’s the love of your college life…”

  “Correction, it wasn’t love.” He said.

  “What is it then?”

  “I dunno…I just liked her too much, I guess.”

  “Oh.”

  “And besides, I wanted to be here with you. You didn’t have to leave a while back, you know. I was enjoying our conversation. Good thing I found you.”

  I drank some martini, “Too many lovely words on a cold night…It might work for a lonely girl like me.” I joked and he laughed. “You know Alvin, you’re probably just drank…”

  “I’m not the one who had quite a number of martinis tonight, you know.” He said, “Look at you. You’re so red.”

  “Oh, I can handle it…” I said and stood up, I felt tipsy and my head went pitch-black, and suddenly I felt myself flailing until someone went to catch my fall.

  I woke up the following day with a big headache. It’s what happens when I get a hang-over. I went to the bathroom to do my morning routine, put on my robe and went down the stairs. The aroma of French toast was strong; I wonder where it came from or who was cooking. I then went to the kitchen and found Alvin preparing some French toast.

  “Hey…” he said as he saw me, “Good morning, Miss “I can handle a martini…” He joked.

  I laughed, embarrassed. “You cooked?”

  “Obviously.” He winked, “I decided to stay over last night. You were so wasted.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Hey, don’t be…” He smiled. “So, uh, that’s it, I still have work, you know…I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

  “Thanks, Alvin.” I said.

  “No worries.” He replied, “I’ll see you around, okay?”

  I nodded my head, “Thank you.” I told him, “I mean, last night…if you were someone else, you probably would’ve…”

  “Taken advantage of you?” He finished for me, “I’m not like that, Carlene.”

  “I know.” I said and smiled. I kissed him on the cheek, “Thanks Alvin…I’ll see you.”

  He smiled, said goodbye, and walked out the door.

  “Why are you crying?” Alvin said as he saw me that evening on the same bench I was sitting on last night. I was crying very hard, thinking about Dean and what I did. I felt terrible. I felt guilty. And I was sorry. He sat down beside me and hugged me, “Hey...hey…It’s gonna be fine, Cams…”

  “I’m just…It’s…It’s hard…” I sniffed, “This isn’t easy you know? I feel so bad, so guilty…I wish I didn’t have to leave, I wish I was stronger…I wish Dean could be relieved from all the pain I gave him…He doesn’t deserve this…”

  “Cams, you just did what you have to do.”

  “But it’s unfair. To him, to me, to everyone…”

  “I think you did the right thing.” He said, “I mean, you wouldn’t want to live in a sappy marriage, do you? If you stayed, what do you think could happen? You left because you’re not happy anymore, Carlene. It’s for the best.”

  I nodded my head, “I know” I said, “But it’s hard…”

  “It is. But it’s gonna be fine. You’ll be fine.” That’s when he hugged me and wiped my tears away as I lay my head on his shoulder.

 

  Chapter 4

  A few days have passed and Dean was still staying at Luke’s place. Luke was about to go to the office one morning when he found Dean drinking coffee in the dining room. Dean looked like he hasn’t held a comb in days; he was also unshaven.

  “Hey…” Dean greeted him, sounding nonchalant.

  “Man, if I were you, I’d go back to the office…”

  “I can’t.” Dean said, “Not yet.”

  “Man…”

  “Look, my fiancée walked out on our own wedding day. Isn’t that enough reason to stay at home for a few days?”

  “Sorry.” Luke said, “It’s just…I hope you get better.” Luke said and left.

  “Is Dean coming home?” Dean’s father, Marco asked his wife one morning while she was cleaning a cabinet in their living room.

  “No.” Dean’s mom, Susana casually said.

  “Susana, what’s wrong? You used to be very protective of our son. Now, he’s on the brink to depression and you’re just letting him on his own? Why?”

  “Because he has to be.”

  “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Susana.”

  “Marco, Dean will find his way on his own. He’ll come home when he knows he should.” And then Susana left, leaving Marco bewildered.

  “So, how is he?” Dean’s longtime friend Rachelle asked Luke that day when they met up for Lunch.

  “He’s a mess, Rach.” Luke answered.

  “He must be so upset.”

  “More than upset, he’s depressed.”

  “I never thought Carlene would do that, you know.” Rachelle said, “She always seemed to be a nice girl. I liked her for him.”

  Luke laughed, “Come on, Rach, it’s just the two of us, don’t lie.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Rach…”

  “Dean never liked me.” Rachelle said, “And I’ve accepted it.”

  “Really?”

  “Luke.”

  “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”

  “I just don’t want him to be hurt, okay?” Rachelle stated. “You know how important he is to me. “

  “But this gives you hope, doesn’t it?”

  “Luke!”

  “Fine, fine, sorry…” He said, “I have nothing against Carlene, you know, but honestly Rach, how did you feel?”

  “Sad, of course.” She answered, “Luke, you know how much Dean loves her. “

  “But you still love him don’t you?”

  “He’s my friend.”

  “Come on, Rach.”

  “You know the answer Luke.” She stated.

  “And what do you actually plan to do with it?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?”

  “He doesn’t love me.” She said, “Luke, this is getting redundant.”

  “Sorry, Rach. It’s just…Don’t you think this is a twist of fate? I mean, come on…”

  Rachelle just shook her head.

  “Last question, Rach, why do you actually love my cousin?”

  “I don’t know. Is there supposed to be any reason?”

  “Yeah, right…Like I dunno why I still love you…” Luke whispered.

  “What did you say?”

  “Nothing.” He said, “I said, you’re right. Let’s just eat.”

  “Stop fidgeting, Lils…” Henry told Lili while they were walking at the mall.

  “I’m just worried about Carlene. She hasn’t called.”

  “She’ll be fine.” Henry replied, “She’s a strong girl, she’ll sort this out.”

  “I sometimes can’t understand her decisions.”

  “So do I.” He said, “But we’re her friends. She needs us now, not to judge her, but to be at her back and support her.”

  “I know…I’m just scared for her.”

  “She’ll be fine. Believe me, she will.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  ***

  “Looks like someone’s busy…” Alvin said as he saw me one afternoon sitting at the bench while writing a poem.

  “Hey…” I greeted him, “Just writing…”

  “Oh. What’s that?” He said as he sat down beside me.

  “Nothing really…Just a poem…”

  “Can I read it?”

  “It’s nothing special…You wouldn’t want to…”

  “Please?” He looked at me looking so cute. How can I resist?”

  “Fine.” I said, “I’ll just read it, okay?”

  “Fire away…” He said.

  I started to read the poem. It was called “Love is”.

  “Sitting
here seeing the sun,

  I see his face and think is he the one?

  I’ve heard promises spoken, some of them

  Badly broken

  And I’ve broken some of them too

  Walking down this road,

  I know I can only know so much, too.

  What love is, I can’t tell you

  Because I think I’ve seen it yet again too.”

  I finished and he stared at me. “I told you it was nothing special.” I said.

  “No, no…It was great.”

  “Liar.”

  “No, seriously, Cams, I liked it. It’s beautiful.”

  “But it doesn’t make sense.” I laughed, “My mind’s too messed up, that’s why.”

  “When you said, “is he the one”…Were you thinking of Dean?”

  I just stared at him and laughed, “I can’t tell you.”

  “Why not? I suppose it’s him. You’re having regrets, aren’t you?”

  I didn’t answer his question about Dean but I said, “I never really thought about regrets…But there are questions.”

  “And at this moment you wish you were back with Dean.”

  “Yeah…To tell him I’m sorry.”

  “…And to go on with the wedding.”

  “No.”

  “No?”

  I nodded my head, “I want to say sorry. But I can’t really go on with the wedding.”

  “So, you’re coming back?”

  “No, not yet. I still can’t.” He simply nodded his head. There was silence for a while until I spoke. “You know what I’m thinking?”

  “What?”

  “Going to New York.”

  “Oh.”

  “I postponed it for so long, you know?” I said, “I thought I was gonna be happy, I thought I was gonna be okay. But look what happened…I messed everything up. I just realized, if there’s something you really wanted and you had the chance to do it, why wouldn’t you? That’s my biggest regret now. I should have told Dean I wanted to go.”