by K. C. Crowne
He was, after all, the perfect man for me. Was, I reminded myself. A lot had changed.
And apparently, he didn’t feel the same way, or at least didn’t react to my silly attempts to come on to him. At one time, he wouldn’t have been able to resist kissing me, but that was a long time ago.
I wasn’t sure if I could face him again, but I knew I had to.
“I’m hungry,” Ollie said.
“Okay, baby, let’s get up and see what we can get you for breakfast,” I said.
I looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was almost noon.
“Or lunch, I guess.”
I threw on my jeans from the night before, even if they smelled like bar funk and beer. I kept Finn’s shirt on, however. Somehow, I’d need to get some new clothes, or at least figure out a way to wash all my old ones. Hopefully some of them would be salvageable.
As I helped Ollie from the bed, I realized that he’d lost everything too. We may not have had much, but Oliver had some toys and clothing that we’d brought with us from California. And now, he literally had the clothes on his back, and that was it.
I pushed back the tears and put on a happy face for my little boy. He wanted to walk, so I held his hand as we opened the door and walked down the hallway together. Finn was moving around in the kitchen, and the aroma of bacon filled the air.
He popped his head around the corner and grinned at us.
“Hungry?”
Ollie didn’t usually take well to strangers, but he had the biggest grin on his face. He nodded his head eagerly.
“Good, because I’ve made enough bacon and eggs to feed half of New York City,” Finn said. “Think that’ll be enough?”
He was talking to Oliver, not me. I didn’t expect Oliver to answer him, but before I could say anything, my little boy let go of my hand and hurried the rest of the way down the hallway.
Finn continued, “You’re a growing boy, after all. You need your protein.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. God, he was so good with Ollie. Not that I was surprised. He was the oldest in his family and had a lot of younger siblings. He’d always been so good with them too. I always thought he’d make an excellent father one day, and clearly, I was right.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked.
Finn looked up at me, grinning from ear-to-ear still. “Uh, sure, if you’d like to get the plates from that cabinet over there, I think we’re ready to eat.”
I walked over to the cabinet, my back to Finn and Ollie, but I could hear them both laughing. I was smiling so much it hurt. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d smiled so much, and Ollie was clearly having a good time with Finn. When I turned back around, I froze in place and watched the two of them together, plates in hand, and thought, this is what my life could have looked like.
I’d left the state to try and build a better life for myself, and in the process, I ended up worse off than if I’d stayed. Well, maybe. There was always the possibility of Finn and I not working out after high school I supposed, but in that moment, that wasn’t even a thought in my mind.
Life could have been easy. It should have been filled with days like this. Instead, this was temporary, and I’d have to go back to my shitshow of an existence before long. I savored the moment for as long as possible, until Finn glanced over at me.
“Ready for the plates, Chels,” he said. “Unless you like your bacon extra crispy.”
I handed over a plate without saying a word. Once upon a time, Finn loved making me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My own house rarely had any food, and he loved to cook. He was good at it too. In another life, had he not been called to be a firefighter, he would have made an amazing chef.
“Alright,” Finn said, ruffling Ollie’s hair. “Let’s set the table. What do you say?”
“Yes!” Ollie said, taking off toward the small kitchen table tucked in the corner. Old mail, catalogs, and even some boots sat upon the table, which didn’t seem to get much use. I followed my son and started cleaning it off, when I came across a photograph of Finn with his siblings.
“Wait, Natalie has kids already?” I asked. “She was like fifteen the last time I saw her.”
“Yeah, she has two little girls,” Finn said. “Twins, actually.”
“Wow, that’s so nice,” I said, looking at the picture in awe.
I’d always envied Finn’s family. They were a little quirky, but overall, a very happy bunch. His parents had stayed married, there was little to no fighting amongst them. Lots of siblings to play with. Never a shortage of food, money, or someone to listen to your concerns. His life had seemed so easy compared to mine back then.
“She lives in the city, you know,” Finn said. “Her husband is a hotshot lawyer, so they live in Manhattan where she continues her research.”
“Research?” I asked.
“Yeah, she’s writing her dissertation on community gardens and the impact they can have on lower-income residents,” he said. “She’s going for her doctorate.”
“Wow,” I said, staring at his little sister in the photo. Kids, a husband, a PhD. I couldn’t help but feel jealous. She had everything I’d always wanted and more.
I’d gotten so caught up in the family photo, Finn had to clean the rest of the table. I was still looking at it, remembering the summer I spent with them in the RV. It had been cramped as hell, but it was the one time in my childhood where I’d felt almost normal.
“Ready to eat?” Finn asked me.
I hadn’t noticed that the two of them were seated at the table, plates in front of them, waiting on me. Putting the photo on the stack of mail on the counter, I sat down at the table with the two of them. I didn’t look at Finn, it was too painful to be reminded of everything I could have had.
Ooo000ooo
Mike had tried to call me in on my day off, as expected. I ignored the calls. When he texted, I merely responded with “I can’t. Sorry.”
No need to go into the details in text. I lacked the emotional energy to talk about it, especially with him. I deserved a night off after everything that happened, I told myself.
“You’re going to be alright?” Finn asked, checking the fridge with a scowl. “There’s a frozen pizza and-- you know what, let me just call in and--”
I stopped him right there. Shaking my head, I said, “No, don’t let us interfere with your job, Finn. We’ll be just fine.”
Oliver was curled up on Finn’s sofa with me, Peppa Pig on the tv. He was happy, so that’s all that mattered to me.
Finn looked over at the two of us, and I watched him debate with himself.
“I have plenty of vacation days, Chels,” he said. “Might as well use them.”
“Yeah, for a vacation. Not because you feel the need to babysit us,” I said, shooting him a serious look from across the room.
“I don’t take vacations,” he said with an amused smirk.
“And why not?”
He shrugged, leaning against the counter with a distant look on his face.
“I haven’t felt the want to since mom died,” he said.
My heart sunk at the news.
“God, Finn, I had no idea your mother passed away,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”
I stood up and went over to him, but stopped short of giving him a hug. Instead, I put a hand on his arm, stroking it gently.
“It’s alright. It was awhile ago now,” he said, averting his gaze. His eyes darkened, and clearly, it wasn’t alright. I knew Finn well enough to know when he was trying too hard to appear strong. He was lying to me, and most importantly, to himself.
“I had no idea,” I said again.
I remembered Mrs. Peterson very well. She was a lively lady. Eccentric, but always very loving and warm. She made extra lunches for Finn during the school year so he could share with me, making sure I always had something to eat. Her long, blonde hair was always a bit unruly, just like Finn’s was back in the day.
“She was a beautiful woman
, always very kind,” I said. I was getting choked up at the thought of his mother being gone. Long ago, I used to imagine what she’d be like as a grandmother - always doting and there with some cookies and tea.
But she was gone. Another piece of my fantasy life had come falling down around me, a stark reminder that the past was in the past, and the Finn I knew now wasn’t the same man I knew back then.
“Thanks,” Finn said, rubbing his chin and still not meeting my gaze. “Dad hasn’t taken it well at all.”
“How’s he doing these days?”
Finn pushed himself away from the counter, walking over to the fridge and grabbing a beer. Before I could say anything about him needing to go to work, he held up a hand to stop me.
“I’m not babysitting the two of you,” he said sternly. “I’m taking the night off to catch up with an old friend. Is that so wrong?”
“I guess not,” I said. If he wanted to take the night off work, who was I to tell him he couldn’t? Besides, the idea of learning more about Finn’s current life did appeal to me.
Finn walked into the living room and plopped down beside Oliver. My son looked over and smiled at him. The two shared a moment, and I stood back, watching them and feeling a warmth inside of me I hadn’t felt in so long. It was nice seeing my son interacting with a decent male role model. His own father certainly wasn’t a good one.
“Maybe we can order in tonight. What do you say?” Finn asked.
“Sounds great,” I said, slowly inching my way toward the couch with the two of them. There wasn’t any other furniture, I’d either have to join them or sit on the floor. Finn, noticing my dilemma, slid down to the floor himself. Ollie followed him, giving me the entire couch if I wanted it.
Instead, I joined them on the floor, sitting beside Oliver. Finn was on the other side of him.
“Still like Chinese?” he asked.
“Of course. Who doesn’t like Chinese food?” I said, laughing.
He winked at me. “Just checking. How about Ollie?”
“Ollie will eat almost anything,” I said, running my hand along my son’s hair. “I lucked out there.”
“Good. Chinese for dinner then,” he said. “I know a great place nearby that delivers. Kung Pao Chicken?”
“You remembered,” I said softly, my insides turning to mush.
“Of course I remember,” he said. “You only ate it every other day back in high school. What was the place, King Panda?”
“Yeah,” I laughed. “How do you remember all this?”
“Easy,” he said. “I’m a genius.”
Without even realizing what I was doing, I reached over and punched him playfully on the arm. He pretended it hurt, all while stifling his laughter.
“You’re teaching your son bad habits, you know?” he joked.
While I knew it was meant to be a joke, it hit me right in the gut. I looked over at Ollie, who was absorbed into the television and oblivious to the roughhousing. My pain must have shown on my face because Finn reached for my shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze.
“I was joking, Chels. You’re an amazing mom.”
“I know, it’s just--” I stopped short. I didn’t want to turn an otherwise good evening into a depressing one, nor did I want to discuss Ollie’s father in front of him. Even if he wasn’t fully paying attention, kids always listen, and the last thing I wanted was for him to hear me bashing his father. Even if his dad deserved it, I refused to do it to him, not like this.
“What is it?”
Finn’s brows were in a thin, straight line. I’d never seen his face so serious before. He’d always been so carefree back in the day, and it was one of the reasons I fell for him. I’d needed that calm, easy-going nature in my life. I certainly didn’t get any of that at home, and he always managed to help me relax.
But this, well, this was different.
“Nothing,” I said. Finn cocked an eyebrow. He didn’t look convinced. Sighing, I added, “Just stuff from my past. Stuff I really don’t want to talk about if that’s okay.”
“Of course it is, Chels,” he said, squeezing my shoulder again. “But know I’m always here if you want to talk about it.”
It was hard not to smile. All these years, I’d forgotten what true kindness looked like. Finn was one of the few people I knew who was truly and genuinely kind and compassionate. He’d always taken care of me before, and I missed it. God, I’d missed him so much.
As I stared into his hazel eyes, I felt myself falling for him all over again. Like no time had passed at all. The corners of his mouth crinkled up as he smiled at me, and my heart pounded in my chest. He licked his lips, and I watched every movement like it was the most glorious sight on earth. My insides ached for him, and I yearned to feel his lips pressed against mine. He had always been an amazing kisser, and an even better lover. So giving. So passionate. I’d never met someone who loved going down on a woman as much as he had. Not that I had much to compare him to, but still, I knew Finn was one hell of a catch.
“Mommy?” Oliver said, pulling me out of my dreamworld.
“Yes, baby?” I said, turning toward my son. My cheeks were burning,my skin was warm, and my panties were soaked.
“I’m hungry,” Ollie said, staring at me with big, brown eyes and the most innocent of expressions on his sweet face.
Finn pulled his phone from his pocket. “Already on it, little guy,” he said. He glanced at me with a grin. “It’s not King Panda, but I think you’ll enjoy it.”
“I’m sure we will,” I said, stroking my son’s hair.
My insides were on fire. I had to play it cool because Oliver was there, but God, it was hard not to make a move. It was a good thing my son was there, however, since I knew I wasn’t thinking straight. It had just been too long since I’d been touched by a man, I told myself. Yeah, right. I knew better than that. Finn had always been different than other men. He’d always felt like “The One”, but I thought I’d been too young and naive to understand love.
At that moment, however, I wondered if maybe I’d been right all those years ago. Except now, he was not The One, but rather The One That Got Away.
Kissing the top of my son’s head, I snuggled him as Finn placed the order on the app. It felt so nice and natural to be there with the two of them, ordering dinner in and watching television together while sitting on the floor.
This could have been my life.
And while I always dreamt of doing something grand like becoming a doctor or a lawyer, I realized that perhaps a simpler life wouldn’t have been so bad after all.
It was certainly better than my current situation. Hell, pretty much anything was better than being homeless and on the run from your ex-husband.
“Food is on the way,” Finn said, leaning back against the couch.
Oliver scooted closer to him. Just a little bit, but I noticed. I’m not even sure if Finn caught it, but I did. Ollie looked up at Finn and smiled. Casually, Finn ran his hand through my little boy’s hair, ruffling it up.
“You like video games?” he asked Ollie.
Oliver shrugged his little shoulders.
“He’s never played any before,” I said softly.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I should have asked first, I just--”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind them, it’s just-- we’ve never had access to any for him to try,” I said.
“Well, if your mom allows it, little man,” Finn said, speaking directly to Oliver, “then you’re in for a treat.”
Oliver looked up at me with wide, excited eyes. “Can I, mommy?”
“Of course, sweetheart,” I said. I turned my attention to Finn. “I mean, as long as they’re kid appropriate. No Grand Theft Auto or whatever the kids are playing these days.”
Finn melodramatically covered his face in his hands and groaned, laughing through his fingers. Oliver didn’t have any idea what the joke was about, but he was laughing too.
“‘Whatever the kids are playing these days? Che
ls, seriously, you sound so old right now, and we’re not that old,” he said. “And yes, I have a Switch and some Mario games that are kid-appropriate.”
He was right. I did sound old, but I felt old too most of the time. It was hard to believe I was still in my twenties sometimes, especially since so much had happened over the last few years.
“Then yes, go ahead and play,” I said.
“You too, mommy?” Oliver asked.
“Oh no, honey,” I laughed. “I’m just going to watch.”
“Really?” Finn said, tilting his head to the side. “You never used to turn down a chance to play Smash Brothers.”
“Yeah, but that was then, Finn.”
“And this is now,” he said, getting up and walking over to the tv stand. He pulled out two controllers - handing one to Oliver and dropping the other in my hand. “The new game just came out, you’re going to love it.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at his persistence. “Alright,” I said. “But just one game.”
“Yeah, right,” Finn whispered to Oliver. “That’s what she used to say back in the day too, but once your mom got started playing, it was hard to pull her away.”
He was right. I used to love playing video games with him. At least the silly ones on GameCube, and later the Wii. It had been a long time since I’d even entertained the idea of playing a video game though.
“Fine, two games,” I said. “I need to play at least one against you. Kick your butt for old time’s sake.”
“Now there’s the Chelsea I know and love,” he said.
Both of us stopped chuckling at the word “love”. Yes, back when we were together, we’d used the L-word a lot to describe our feelings. But things were different now.
Finn averted his gaze, focusing on starting the game up for us instead. He helped Ollie pick out a character. When it came time for me to choose, Finn said, “Peach, right? For old time’s sake?”
“Hell-- I mean, heck yeah,” I said, stealing a glance at my son and hoping he hadn’t picked up on my faux pas. I tried not to swear in front of him. He was like a sponge, and always picked up on everything I said. Thankfully, he seemed to be focsed on the television and his character instead.