Black

by Angelina J. Steffort

  Replacement

  The fog that was slowly lifting from the streets of Aurora was similar to the haze that was coiling in my head. I had the strong intuition that whatever I had been denying, was going to reveal itself to me soon. Almost like I was sure that the fog outside the window was going to retreat upwards and form into a soft, white cloud, which would be blown away by the fresh spring breeze. I also had the feeling that whatever I was going to find would by no means resemble the clear blue sky that usually follows when the clouds disappear. I was more expecting a darkened plane that would threaten to crash down on me. I could already feel it.

  Several days had passed since the night at the Gallagers’. I had had a lot to think about. These days, not many things in my life were able to penetrate my thoughts concerning my dilemma with Benedict Gallager. I hadn’t felt as safe in weeks as I had felt with him. I hadn’t even had the opportunity to feel guilty for enjoying this new feeling of being protected, not alone, the way I had felt before. Ben, Jenna, and Chris were a part of Adam and somehow that made me feel better. It helped me drown out this sense of emptiness I had gotten used to. I actually, after all this time of pain, started to feel a little bit healed.

  Sophie was still in Indianapolis. She had called the night before to let me know that Ian was going to come pick up some of her things today before lunchtime. He wanted to visit her—again. I wondered how he could be so blindly in love with my dear sister. Yes, she was pretty. Yes, she was bright. And yes, she had a brilliant sense of humor—sometimes. But she treated him without much respect. She had cheated on him once some time ago. Now, that they were a couple again, I was waiting for her to make the same mistake. I found myself unable to understand how somebody could do such a thing. If one truly loved the other, there wouldn’t be a reason. It was none of my business, of course, but it was a distraction to keep me from thinking about my own troublesome life all the time. I remembered the excuse she had used last time. She hadn’t been entirely sure if Ian was what she wanted. She had felt physically attracted to the other man and, once the chance presented itself, she followed her instinct.

  I wondered how it was possible to even think about it. I could never have betrayed Adam. Apart from the fact that he would have known the moment I came near him. He would have sensed that there was something wrong. The shame, the fear to be caught—

  The doorbell jerked me to my feet and I headed down the stairs to open it. Instead of Ian, whom I had been expecting, Ben was standing on the other side. He looked at me with narrowed eyes.

  “Can I come in?” he asked, simultaneously grabbing me by the shoulders and nearly lifting me back into the house.

  “Whoa, what’s up?” I asked, startled by his urgency.

  “Just a second,” he whispered and pressed his finger to his lips. He walked a few steps, then stood in the doorway to the living room for half a minute, unmoving. I watched him freeze into place and turned around when after another five seconds he was still stone-like. The door was still standing open. I grabbed the handle and started to push it closed when Ian appeared on the doorstep.

  “Hi, Claire,” he smiled. “How are you doing?” I eyed him critically for a moment then pulled the door back open.

  “Come in, please,” I said mechanically, still unsettled by Ben’s behavior.

  Ian stepped over the threshold in slow strides.

  “Sophie told me to pick up her...”

  “They are upstairs. I packed everything into the black leather bag,” I told Ian without looking at him, my eyes back on Ben who still hadn’t moved.

  “Have you got a minute so I can introduce you?” I asked Ben with the faintest undertone of sarcasm.

  Ian noticed Ben for the first time.

  “Oh, hi—”

  “Ben—Ian, Ian—Ben,” I gestured at both of them in turns, introducing my sister’s boyfriend to the brother of my dead boyfriend.

  “Sorry,” Ben finally unfroze and turned around, reacting to my tense tone, “I was in thought...”

  Sometimes Ben’s phraseology was downright quaint, something I had noticed with all the angels in my life.

  He held out his hand to Ian politely and his face grew into a warm mask that didn’t resemble that alarmed, almost anxious look he had worn a minute ago anymore.

  “Nice to meet you, Ben,” Ian said and shook Ben’s hand. Then he turned back to me. “Look, I’ll just grab Sophie’s things and I’ll be off. I have to drive all the way down to Indianapolis and I want to see your sister as soon as possible.” He winked at me and headed for the stairs.

  “Okay.” I exhaled quietly. I was glad that Ian hadn’t found Ben’s behavior fishy. The last thing I needed was somebody asking questions I couldn’t answer because I was still waiting for an answer myself.

  I waited until Ian was out of earshot and then turned back to Ben.

  “What’s wrong, Ben?” I whispered as I saw that his face was back to alarmed. “Tell me.” I danced from foot to foot, all insecure and getting myself ready to run. The way he kept his face an alarmed mask made me think that I might have a reason for running.

  “I just thought I saw something,” he told me.

  “What?” I asked, uncomprehending, getting more nervous.

  Ben shook his head.

  “How can you see something?”

  Ben averted his gaze.

  “Ben, look at me,” I demanded.

  A door was closed upstairs and Ian’s shoes tapping down the stairs in quick step announced that he was back within earshot.

  “Anything else I should bring her?” he asked on his way to the front door. “Except for your warm regards?” Ian grinned boyishly. He was too good for this world. If Sophie would ask him to jump down from Indianapolis Hospital’s roof, he would probably do it.

  “No,” I smiled at him, hoping that he wouldn’t notice Ben’s glare or my silly shifting from side to side. “That’s all.”

  “See you then,” he said and he walked out the door still grinning, obviously in a good mood.

  “Tell her I am fine,” I called after him. And I saw him nod while he turned his head to one side, looking at me over his shoulder.

  I waved at him with one nervously shaking hand and then I closed the door behind him.

  “You are going to tell me what’s going on, Mister,” I said and darted towards Ben in a quick stride, my index finger pointing at his chest. “Why are you seeing things in my house?”

  Ben’s eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth defensively. “I was in the area and I though I might drop by and say hello...” he said very unconvincingly.

  “And then?” I demanded.

  Ben looked afraid of me. His face blushed slightly and his shoulders sank half an inch, just enough to notice.

  “I saw—I felt that something dark was around and I feared that the demons had decided to strike once more.”

  “And—?” I tapped my foot against the floor impatiently, getting angry from the lack of proper information, my finger still poking into his chest

  “And I rang the bell and you opened the door?” he offered, obviously hoping that being cute would get him off the hook.

  I shook my head to deny the answer and frowned at him.

  “And—?” he repeated, waiting for me to complete the question.

  “And—is there anything dark around?” I demanded like a stern teacher getting to the bottom of some misbehavior.

  “Actually, I guess maybe not,” Ben said, abashed. He looked at me to check my reaction.

  Well, here’s a role reversal, I thought to myself. The big, strong angel in trouble with the ordinary human girl.

  “What I mean is, whatever it was, it’s not here anymore,” he explained, his expression all open and attentive now. The new Ben-face I still had to get used to. It was too friendly, too human, too—

  I looked away. It made him look so much like Adam and I just couldn’t bear that. His half-brother was dead and we were standing there together with somethin
g unresolved between us. I couldn’t even think about it.

  “Why are you really here?” I asked quietly, my eyes on the floor.

  A silence spread between us. I knew that there was an answer to that question, one that diferred from what Ben had told me; but I wasn’t entirely sure if I wanted to know. Something drove me to ask, anyway.

  “Ben—” I persisted, lifting my finger from his chest, “—why?”

  For the first time in my life, I felt like I could read a person’s emotions the way Adam had always described it. I perceive what they feel and somehow know their reasons. I didn’t know the reason, but I could tell that Ben had come here for me. Not just to drop by, but to take care of me. I felt that strange pull between us. My hands shook and my stomach was a bit nauseous. It was exactly what I didn’t want to feel; I didn’t want to know.

  I let my head sink and looked away, turning to the side and walking towards the couch, where I sat down.

  “I—” Ben started.

  “Yeah, it’s alright,” I said like I was speaking to the table in front of me, “you were around, running errands in the area...”

  Ben shifted his weight and took a step towards me, slowly. “I was here because I...”

  “Because you had stuff to do,” I finished his sentence, not leaving any space for him to say what he was thinking. “Thank you for dropping by. As you can see, I’m safe. Nothing to worry about.”

  “And I fixed your car,” he added.

  “Thanks,” I simply said.

  I looked at him for a second and as he blinked, too slowly to be a subconscious gesture, I looked back at the table awkwardly. The wood had several scratches on the surface where my sister and I had placed dishes or bottles or other things I couldn’t remember. I followed the progress of a minor scratch which twisted into one of the corners in a sharp angle. Observing how badly we had taken care of this particular piece of furniture, I almost managed to ignore Ben’s expectant silence.

  “Claire,” Ben said from closer in front of me than I had expected.

  My head snapped up in the direction his voice was coming from.

  “What?” I asked in a whisper, almost unable to bear the thought of getting an answer and wanting to hear it at the same time. My stomach clenched in tension.

  Before I could even look at him, Ben reached for my hand and cradled it in both of his, softly, carefully.

  “Claire...” he began. He looked into my eyes. “You know I have feelings for you...”

  My heart leaped and my head began to pound. Those were the words I had hoped to hear since that night at the Gallagher’s, and those were also the words I could not bear to hear. I felt like a monster. I had led him on, encouraged him to speak and for what... just to invoke Adam’s memory and send Ben on his way.

  “Ben,” I panted, transfixed by his stare. “I can’t.”

  Ben looked away for a long second and when he looked back at me his eyes had changed. No longer the blue of sunny skies, they were the color of solid steel. “I am sorry, I made you uncomfortable,” Ben said in the strangely formal way he sometimes had and quickly let go of my hand like he had burned his fingers.

  My heart was wracked with pity but I had no way to express it. I was glad he had understood that this was not the time for what was on his mind. But I didn’t dare to look into his eyes again for fear I would change my mind.

  “I think it is best if I leave now,” he said quietly and stepped toward the door he had entered just a few minutes earlier with such anticipation.

  It was only then that another thought occurred to me. What if my rejection on one level made him leave me on another? What if my not being able to love Adam’s brother would kill our friendship, too? I would lose his protection. I would be more vulnerable again. I shuddered slightly as I turned my head to watch Ben walk out the front door.

  “Hey,” I called out very softly. I wanted him to feel my regret and affection.

  He turned and paused, looking straight through me with his steely eyes. I hesitated, aware that my motives were selfish and unworthy of him.

  “When will I see you again?” I asked.

  He raised his eyebrows and compressed his lips, a disappointed man. “Oh, now you’re worried,” he said. “Well, don’t be. I’ll always be there for you when you need a protector.” And with that he was gone.

  I didn’t know if I was only imagining it, but the room was still filled with the echo of Ben’s hurt voice and it wasn’t long before my guilt was filling the gaps in between.

  I needed to get out of the house for a while. I needed some space and air to breathe. I had spent so much time in fear of what was hunting me, that I had forgotten to live. The fact that I had Jenna, Chris, and Ben to protect me helped me stay calm enough to get through the days, and the knowledge that Jaden was never too far away let me sleep more or less restful. Jaden was around at school also, although there he kept a good distance and spent a lot of time with Amber, who was thrilled by every word he spoke and couldn’t take her eyes off him for even a second if her attention wasn’t forcefully directed elsewhere. It still bothered me that Jaden gave her so much attention. But then, maybe it was for the best. Maybe all this was what gave me enough freedom to move at school with enough space so nobody would notice I was being shadowed by Jaden Abelton.

  As I headed for the front door, I grabbed my jacket from the hook and swirled it around my shoulders in a swift movement. Outside, the fog had cleared a little, whereas the wafts of mist had grown thicker inside my head. I pounded down the porch stairs and headed towards downtown without any real destination. Something about this whole situation wasn’t right and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I simply couldn’t find an easy explanation. Was it me and my endless worries? Was it the pressure from the constant danger that was just sufficiently below the threshold to not drive me crazy with actual fear?

  I was beginning to wear out. My strength was coming to an end and I could name plenty of causes why. I tried to line them up in logical order. First, the constant fear of demons that underlay every moment of every day. Then, the grief over Adam’s death. My new and troubled relationship with Ben. Chris’ struggle to regain his wings. The pressure to stay in school and do well so that my future—if I ever got to have one—could be a good one. Sophie’s safety. Hanging on to the few friends I had at Aurora High. I had avoided evil as good as possible, I had endured being stared at, being made fun of, being an outsider, a stranger in a group of people I thought I knew. The sun was beginning to timidly appear overhead but, thanks to my list of troubles, my day seemed darker than ever.

  It wasn’t just that I had all these worries, and that I couldn’t see an end to them. I couldn’t even see where to start fixing them.

  I was deep into a supernatural world and I was not strong enough to thrive there. I had no one to turn to except the Gallagers. The Gallagers—I should at least be grateful for them. Chris, Jenna, and Ben. A stalwart little army of goodness and angelic strength. And Jaden, my guardian angel—sometimes there, sometimes not, but still my guardian. I was helpless without them.

  My footfalls were unnaturally loud on the sidewalk, I noticed, as I returned from the mist in my head to the less hazy reality around me.

  It took me a while before I recognized where my feet were carrying me. I hadn’t talked to Mr. Baker in a while. He hadn’t been there on my last work day. The boy who worked at the library usually had Mr. Baker’s keys to close up in the evenings. I wondered if the old man would be there now. Eager to talk to someone who knew enough so I didn’t have to pretend, but not enough to bother me with unwelcome questions about my role in this whole mess, I walked a little faster until the library building became visible at the end of the street.

  The building looked the same as usual. What was abnormal was the cluster of people squeezing between ambulance cars and a police cruiser. The blue light was painting repetitive patterns on the faded colors of the facades of the buildings and on the people who were rushi
ng in and out the entrance door.

  Instinctively, I picked up my pace. What was going on? My feet were carrying me unnaturally fast towards the scene. As I was close enough to recognize faces, I saw Lydia at the very back of the crowd, Richard standing close beside her, holding her hand in both of his.

  For a second, I felt relief. Whatever had happened, at least one of my best friends wasn’t involved. Lydia was safe. And Richard. Not that he had been much of a friend to me, but he was Lyd’s boyfriend, and that meant that I was happy he was okay.

  Amber. Greg. My mind flashed to images of my other friends.

  “Claire,” Lydia called as she noticed me hurrying towards them.

  “What happened?” I asked, still a few steps away from them. I almost bumped into them, so eager to get an answer.

  “I don’t know.” It was Richard who spoke these unsatisfying words. “We just arrived a few minutes ago.”

  “I heard people mention that someone collapsed inside the library,” Lydia gave what information she had.

  “What are the police doing here?”

  The moment the words had left my mouth, I heard a low murmur go through the crowd. People were standing on their tiptoes to get a better view of the paramedics and the body they were carrying down the stairs from the entrance. The body was covered with a white sheet from face to feet. I didn’t see much besides that. Just a glimpse of gray hair which was exposed at the top of the covered figure’s head.

  “Mr. Baker,” I gasped.

  A wave of sadness and fear washed over me and my ears began to buzz. I must have started to lose my balance because someone steadied me.

  “Are you okay?” I heard a voice beside me. I couldn’t even tell who it was.

  Mr. Baker—dead. My breath rasped in my chest.

  I caught myself looking around hysterically. Where was Jaden when I needed him?

  A firm hand pushed me back into the crowd.

  “Please stand back, folks,” a tall and lean policeman was saying, “Let the paramedics through here.”