FATE'S PAST

by Jason Huebinger

“You always say that.”

  “Because it’s the truth.”

  “You know, I think Cam’s planning on proposing soon.”

  “No shit? You’re gonna be Sadie-Sadie, married lady, huh?”

  “Hey now,” she quipped, “I never said I was going to say yes!”

  “Oh, please,” he replied. “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter.”

  There was a stretch of silence between the best friends before Alex stopped and said, “What’s that?”

  “What’s what?” She lifted her head and saw a blurred figure in the distance. Alex continued to walk, and soon the figure took shape.

  There was a lady on the mountain. She was pretty, with short brunette hair and a kind smile. She looked to be in her mid-fifties, and her eyes shone with love as she beheld Alex. Carrie had met this woman many times in college, and though the two were unrelated, Carrie considered the woman a family member.

  “Mom?” Alex muttered.

  “Yes, sweetheart. How are you?”

  “Mom.” Alex approached her slowly. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m here to ask you a question.” She walked to him and put her arms around him tightly; Alex could not return the hug without dropping Carrie. On her upper arm, she felt Alex’s tears.

  “Mommy, I’ve missed you so much.”

  “Trust me, baby, I’ve missed you too. More than you could ever know.”

  Alex’s mom relented her hug and looked up at Carrie. “Well hey there, sweets. Haven’t seen you in a while. How are you?”

  Carrie smiled. “Hi, Mrs. Mitchell. I’ve been better.”

  “I can see that.” She patted Carrie on the head and then turned her focus to her son. “Now, baby, I just have one question.”

  Carrie could feel Alex’s muscles tighten. “What’s that?”

  “Why?”

  Alex lowered his head. “It’s just who I am. There was nothing I could do to change it, Mommy.”

  “No, silly. I’m not asking why you are gay.”

  Alex asked, “Well, then what are you asking?”

  “I’m asking why did it take you so long to tell me?”

  Alex stepped back as he said, “What do you mean? Do you even remember how you reacted? How angry you were? How can you seriously ask me that question?”

  “Baby,” Alex’s mom said as she met his step, “I was angry because it took you so many years to tell me. That you lied to me for so long.” She looked down with a shamed gazed. “I know I didn’t handle the news well, but I was so hurt that you kept who you really are from me.”

  Alex’s voice trembled as he said, “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “I know, baby.” She placed a hand on his face. “I know it couldn’t have been easy. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I reacted the way I did. And I’m most sorry that I waited too long to tell you how I really felt. To tell you it doesn’t matter. I did mean to, but then the accident happened.”

  Alex’s body convulsed as he dropped to one knee and wept. “I’m so sorry, Mommy. I should have told you sooner.”

  Alex’s mom also fell to her knees as she said, “No baby, I should have been more understanding. But I want you to know that I love you, no matter who you are. I love every part of you, and I always will.”

  Carrie sensed Alex’s body relax as he gently lowered her off his back and onto the ground. Carrie looked up as he checked to make sure she was okay; when they looked back up, Alex’s mother was gone.

  “No,” he sighed.

  Carrie sensed the tingling of nerves coming back to life. Carefully, she moved her limbs one by one. Once she was able, she pressed herself up and hugged Alex as he cried in her arms.

  “It’s okay, sweetie,” Carrie whispered. “I’m sure you’ll see her again soon.”

  “I know. I’m just excited about what’s next.”

  Carrie pushed herself away from Alex. “Alex, where the hell are we going anyway?”

  “No idea,” Alex said with a mixture of joy and anticipation. His eyes seemed to have an effervescent shine. “Well, at least I have no idea where you’re going. I have a pretty good idea about where I’m going.”

  “Oh? And where’s that?”

  Alex laughed. “You’ve never been one for surprises.”

  Carrie’s tone turned sharp. “Seriously, Alex, what is all this? Where the hell are we and where the hell are we going? Where is Cameron and why are you here? None of this makes any sense whatsoever!”

  Carrie’s sudden shift in tone did not diminish Alex’s joviality in the least. “Soon, all this will make more sense than anything that came before it. You’re just going to have to trust me, Carrie, okay?”

  “Okay.” Carrie looked down as she asked, “But I have to know, Alex.”

  “Know what?”

  “I have the same question as your mom. Why, Alex?”

  He met her gaze and a frown crossed his face. “Already on that subject, huh?”

  Carrie nodded. “I have no clue where I am, what’s going on, what’s going to happen, or if I’ll ever see you again. So, please, I have to know. Why did you tell me a lie about Cameron? Why did you tell me you saw him with another girl? What was the point of breaking us up?”

  Alex put a loving hand on Carrie’s right shoulder. “We’ll see each other again after the end of your journey. But maybe you’re right.” Alex removed his hand and gazed to the right of and through Carrie. “I could say that I lied because I was worried about Cameron. He had a temper that scared me. I didn’t want him to hurt you. That’s what I always told myself, that I lied about Cameron to protect you. Which was true to a degree. But really, if you want to know the truth, I did it because I was jealous.”

  Carrie lifted an eyebrow in disbelief. “Jealous? What are you talking about? Why would you be jealous of Cameron?”

  “Because, before him, it was just us. Carrie and Alex. You would look at me as though I meant everything to you. Like I was your hero in a way. And I loved that look, everything about it. And then when you met Cameron, you stopped looking at me that way. He was your hero, not me. I had difficulty accepting that. I couldn’t accept that.”

  “Alex—”

  Alex put a hand between his face and Carrie’s. “Please, let me finish. What I did was out of anger. Out of bitterness. There was no love in my actions. What I did was the opposite of love, and I am sorry. I’ve never been so sorry about anything in my life. I’ve never regretted anything more.”

  Carrie’s eyes welled and she had to turn away. “Alex, I should have forgiven you sooner. You just can’t believe how much I’ve missed you this last year.”

  “I believe it.”

  They embraced and wept, and their shared memories overwhelmed Carrie’s conscious. Every unexpected joyride, long talk, and streaking incident flooded her cognizance, undermining her efforts at composure. As much as she loved Cameron, she needed Alex as well, for different reasons. Without Alex, Carrie’s first conversation with Cameron wouldn’t have been fluid or fulfilling. She would have clammed up and later overanalyzed Cameron’s every word. Her relationship with Alex, however, had taught her the worth of relaxed love, and she was ashamed that she had so thoughtlessly destroyed the dam that stymied her flood of self-doubt.

  Alex pulled away from Carrie and cleaned the emotions from his eyes. “You ready for the next step?”

  Carrie’s face morphed from comfort to confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, look.” Alex pointed skyward, and when Carrie followed his signaling, she was overjoyed to see the top of the mountain about fifty yards away.

  “Oh my God!” she cried with euphoria. “There’s the top! We’re almost there”

  “No, Carrie.” Alex took both of Carrie’s hands in his. “You’re almost there.”

  “What do you mean? You’re coming with me, right?”

  “I’m afraid I can’t. This may be only another step in your journey
, but it was the last of mine.”

  “But,” Carrie’s voice was trembling. “I don’t want you to go.”

  “Believe me, Carrie. You want me to go. And you’ll want to be where I’m going. But for now, you have to finish your journey, because I’m at the finish line of mine. We’ll have enough time when you’ve reached your end.”

  Once again, Alex leaned in, gently removed Carrie’s hair from her brow, and kissed her forehead. But unlike every time before, a spark jumped from Alex’s lips and onto Carrie’s skin. The spark was not painful or discomforting. The spark was not electric or shocking. The shock was one of absolute and undisturbed purity. It felt as though Alex’s lips transcended the physical boundaries of her skin and wetted her soul. And it was a wetness that she had longed for over the last year.

  “Goodbye for now, Carrie.” Alex took her right hand, and she could sense heat rising from his palm, a heat filled with loftiness, energy, and levity. The best friends locked eyes one last time and Alex’s smile nearly burst past the physical boundaries of his face. He then turned and walked away.

  As he walked, Carrie watched him go. The sun shone down upon his body as he and his shadow descended and shriveled. She placed her left hand over her eyes to shield her vision from the sun’s blinding rays, but as she watched, it was as though Alex’s ethereal form progressively morphed with his shadow, and soon, he was gone.

  Carrie stood and studied her mind. Though Alex had left, a part of him remained within her, a part that energized her fortitude. The kiss’ spark still traveled through her blood; its vitality charged her cells. She did not know how much farther she had to go, but she now believed she could make it to the end.

  Carrie turned 180 degrees and headed up to the peak of the mountain. As she walked, the sun burned hotter and the breeze blew colder. The sky looked clearer. The blood trail that bound Carrie’s travels radiated a crimson shimmer. Her will to fight kicked in. What awaited her at the top was unknown, but she would face it with certainty of conviction.

  As she walked, the hunger returned. Her stomach twisted and tumbled. This hunger was deeper and stronger than anything she had ever experienced. She tried to press forward without thought to the hunger, but it would not leave her stomach or psyche.

  After walking half the length of a football field, Carrie was at the top. She stared down at her reality below, which consisted of trees that extended forever in every direction. She wondered why she did not see this glorious mountain from any vantage below, but then shooed away such trivial contemplation.

  Carrie crossed over the mountain and walked down the other side. After a few steps, she noticed that the trail of blood led into a small alcove.

  Carrie approached the alcove and looked within. This alcove was just big enough for two people to comfortably fit in, sheltered enough to feel secluded from the rest of civilization. Carrie entered and stood inside the alcove.

  She turned around and the view amazed her. The skyline of downtown Austin stretched out below, a skyline she loved so well. She realized she knew this place—she lost her virginity to her ex-boyfriend Jack after prom in this exact spot, which was an alcove in Mount Bonnell, a hill right outside of Austin.

  She stepped back and felt something crunch under her foot. Looking down, she saw a broken wine bottle. It was the same bottle Jack couldn’t open that night, so instead he broke it open so they could enjoy their first drops of alcohol. In retrospect, it was a terrible bottle of wine, but it tasted wonderful that night.

  There was something else next to the bottle. Carrie bent down and picked up a white strip. Two pink stripes were in the middle of the strip. She recalled sitting on the toilet over an hour, just staring at the strip, hoping it would shed one of its stripes. It never did.

  She dropped the strip and turned back towards the mountain. In front of her was a door. The trail of blood ended at the door. It was an ordinary door—about nine feet high, wood, and painted yellow and green. She thought she recognized it, but could not place where or why. Not that it would have mattered. No matter where the door was from or where it led, she would walk through.

  She walked up to the door, grabbed the circular knob, turned, and pushed. Fog flooded out of the door, and she walked in.

  VII.

  Cameron stepped out of the hotel room and gawked at the baseball field that stretched out before him, the dew on the grass shimmering in the warm sun. The door from which he stepped exited onto a concrete sidewalk outside the field. He walked onto the pathway and closed the door behind him. He recognized the building he had just departed as one that housed many of his middle school classes. The brick and mortar soared above him and memories of his childhood rushed into his mind. And for the first time since he first saw the light, he smelled something—the beautiful scent of a Saturday mid-morning. The sun’s warmth energized his skin and spirit, and he heard the rustling of the wind as it passed through the various school shrubbery. He had missed the feeling of the wind, and the way it would flow through his arm hair and tickle his nose. The radiant morning breathed life into his weakening spirit and he was ready for whatever may present itself.

  Cameron walked over to the gate that encircled the baseball field and entered. He appreciated every slight shift of the day’s temperature. The morning moisture stuck to his shoes and the smell of dirt and grass from the field invaded his nose; for a moment, he entertained the thought that he was nearing the end of his journey.

  Cameron hid his eyes from the blinding rays, and in the distance, he saw the shadows of two people. The shadows were too blurry to decipher, but they were too small to be men. He moved towards the shadows, and with each step, the picture became clearer. Then, he heard young voices yelling at each other.

  As Cameron approached, the children came into focus. To Cameron’s left was a young version of himself, about ten years old, wearing a white t-shirt and green shorts. Near young Cameron was his childhood best friend, Dennis, who also looked to be around young Cameron’s age.

  As a kid, Cameron loved baseball. And he especially loved playing with Dennis. In their youths, they were strikingly similar—athletic, passionate, angry, and fixated. They maintained a good-natured rivalry, and though the boiling point was seldom too far off, mutual adolescent respect seemed to always trump any childish misunderstandings.

  This fight sounded typical, until Cameron could better hear the argument. He then understood that the consequences from this particular fight were far from ordinary.

  “Give me back my ball!” Dennis yelled. “You know that’s my lucky ball. Stop being a jerk and give it back!

  “Kiss my butt,” young Cameron replied. “I’ll give it back when you say I threw a strike. That pitch was totally a strike. Now ’fess up!”

  “No way. Not even close, you dork. Don’t get mad at me about your craptastic throw. Gimme back my ball!”

  “Fine,” young Cameron said. “You want it back?” He turned and said, “Come and get it then!” Young Cameron then bolted towards the gate around the field.

  “Come back here!” Dennis yelled as he gave chase. Cameron followed both.

  Outside the gate, young Cameron stopped and extended the ball towards Dennis. “Here, come and get it, you wimp.”

  When Dennis reached out to grab the ball, young Cameron pulled it back and pushed Dennis to the ground. Laughing, young Cameron turned, reared his arm back, and tossed the ball as far as his young body would permit. “There,” he said. “If you want your dumb ball so much, you go get it.”

  With tears in his eyes, Dennis said, “You’re an asshole, Cam. You can’t play ball with us anymore.”

  “Whatever, like I care. You guys suck anyway. I’m gonna find some real ballplayers, not you dumb punks.” Young Cameron stormed off with Dennis watching him.

  Dennis stood and seemed to prepare himself to go after the ball. With young Cameron now gone, older Cameron approached Dennis from behind and put a hand on his back. Startled, De
nnis turned and stepped back. He was a robust and tall kid, and two passionate brown eyes peered at Cameron under the bill of his Astros ball cap.

  “Dennis?” Cameron muttered.

  Initially, the child said nothing—he just stared at Cameron, his eyes unmoving and unreadable. The air around Cameron was still, and the sounds of the day went quiet. The world shifted and gravity relinquished its pull a little. For just a moment, there was only Cameron and Dennis in that world.

  “Yeah?” Dennis replied.

  “Don’t worry about the ball, D. I’ll go get it.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  “You know what’s going to happen, right?”

  “Yup. I know. I know.”

  “You do still wanna go?”

  “Yes. Promise. It’s my turn, D.”

  Smiling, Dennis’ shoulders slumped and his arms went limp. His knees bent a bit and his head bowed a couple inches. He removed the glove and threw it a few feet to his right side. Cameron noticed the muscles of Dennis’ back tighten as he took in air from a deep sigh. He then kneeled, placed his hands behind his feet, and sat on the ground. Dennis sat Indian style and gazed heavenward, obviously relieved that he did not have to retrieve the ball.

  Looking down at the boy, Cameron said, “I am sorry, Dennis. I truly am sorry. And I’m most sorry that I never got the chance before now to say that.”

  Dennis’ stone-faced expression melted into one of juvenile delight. He responded, “Trust me, Cam. There’s no reason to apologize.” He threw his arms up and parallel to his body, and his back tumbled to the ground as he giggled. He lay on the ground, arms and legs stretched as if he was to be drawn and quartered, a large smile plastered on his face.

  Dennis said joyfully, “You know what’s funny, Cam?”

  “What?’

  “After what happened, after you threw that ball and all, my life was never the same. I had to go through a lot of things to fix myself up. My mom was there for all of it, but my stupid stepdad didn’t want to lift a finger.”

  Cameron lifted an eyebrow. “Really?”