“Excuse me?”
“I said, I know. Every time you get a junkie, you get sick with something. Please say you don’t have any right now.”
“We do, but he’s not in much.”
“Good.” Janet sniffed. “I don’t know why you bother with those kinds of people. They always relapse.”
“Not always.”
“Yes always. What about that girl that came in…three times, right?”
“Five.”
“Five!”
“Shh. Yes. But she beat it in the end, it just takes a while sometimes. Her family was no good.”
“Still.”
“Quiet. I failed the last quiz, I have to pay attention.”
Janet rolled her eyes and turned to talk to the boy next to her. Nancy leaned against the wall, sometimes writing down what was on the board. Mostly, though, she looked out the window at the rain and wondered what she was going to do. She needed to get out of that place.
Chapter Ten
Cole was sitting in the car, feeling fevered and dizzy. He was going to ask for the cough syrup tonight, but right now he had his appointment. He got up, darted from the rainy street the building, and went in.
“Cole, right?”
He jumped-he hadn’t seen Nancy at first.
“Y-yeah.”
“You’re early.”
“Good traffic.”
He signed in and took a mint. It helped his throat.
“How’s the bruise?”
“It’s about gone, thank you.”
She didn’t say anything else and Cole settled into the chair. It was too thin and the pillow didn’t feel right. The fabric was smooth but scratchy. He looked at Nancy again. She really was a pretty girl, but something was wrong. She was jumpy, frightened,
Like me.
She’d been through something. He didn’t ask. She wouldn’t tell him, and it was none of his business.
His wrist hurt. He was pretty sure it was sprained. Sean had shoved him down a few stairs and he’d landed on it wrong. At least it wasn’t dislocated. It had been hard preparing his fix, although that was probably for the best. He set his wrist across his lap where it was safe from being touched and leaned back, resting his head against the wall. It felt cold compared to the fire in his skin.
“Dr. Grey can see you now.”
“Thanks.”
He got up and his wrist bumped against the chair. Streaks of pain shot through it. He eased his hand into his pocket and shuffled into the back room.
* * * *
Nancy didn’t realize how much time had passed until Cole came back. Had it been that long already? She looked at the clock. It had been that long. Wow. He picked up another mint and she repressed a gasp.
“What happened to your wrist?”
“What...oh. I fell on it, that’s all.”
“Sit down. You need that wrapped.”
She wouldn’t have to touch him. It would be quick and easy.
“You don’t have to…”
“Still. It’ll heal faster.”
She didn’t recognize the look in his eyes. Shock, maybe. She brushed it aside and got out the first-aid kit.
“Hold still, it’ll take two seconds.”
Cole remained motionless as she wrapped his wrist. It was very swollen and covered with scars and recent track marks.
“All done.”
“Thank you.” he said softly.
“Sure. Don’t use it.”
He nodded and dropped his eyes. Something was wrong with him. Her caring streak flared up.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, thank you. It’s just a little difficult.”
He was lying, but she didn’t press him.
“See you next week.”
“Yeah. Thanks again, Nancy.”
She stiffened. How had he known her name? She hadn’t told him, and she wasn’t wearing her nametag. Maybe he’d remembered from the week before. The thought both flattered her and creeped her out. She put him out of her mind and resumed working on the mountain of papers beside her.
Chapter Eleven
Cole hurt. His wrist was throbbing, and so was his head. He’d successfully hidden the wrapping on his wrist but it wasn’t helping much. He pushed his sleeve back and looked at it. The white bandage was a fat cushion around the sprain, and when he pressed it down he couldn’t feel his wrist. That was probably good. He usually didn’t wrap his injuries-Sean would notice and yell at him for being a wimp. He kept his sweater on-the last thing he wanted was to wake up with Sean on his case about the wrap.
He knew he should eat, but he didn’t want to. The thought made him nauseous. Great. Now on top of the headache and the sore wrist he had a sick stomach. That was just great.
Cole turned on the radio and picked up his shot. He hadn’t made the full dose-some of the powder had gone down the drain when Sean wasn’t looking. He tied his fraying scarf around his wrist. After a few minutes, he could pick out a vein in his palm and he plunged the needle into it. He could feel the poison coursing through his body and wondered if he would OD this time. He hoped so.
Is it odd, he wondered, to be so afraid that Dad’ll kill me but to want to die?
He couldn’t think of an answer and after a minute, he nodded off, the scarf sliding from his fingers to the floor.
Chapter Twelve
Nancy was throwing up. It wouldn’t be the first time today. She’d woken up at eleven at night from a bad dream about Dr. Grey. Now, an hour later, she was still kneeling over the toilet, wondering if she should try to make it to the phone and call 911. She didn’t want to. It would stop, it always had before. But it was not a fun sensation.
Fifteen minutes later, the vomiting stopped. She rinsed her mouth out, took a small sip of water-which promptly came back up-and went back to bed. It was hot in the apartment and she did not put on blankets. She hugged her teddy instead.
“Teddy,” she said, “What’s wrong with me?”
The bear only looked at her.
Nancy set it down, went to the window, and opened the drapes. It was dark outside and raindrops were running down the window. They made it look like Seattle was crying. A musician had shot himself across town the other day-maybe Seattle was in mourning for him. She wondered if death was better than living in fear and feeling so filthy.
She lay on her bed again, but sleep did not come. She got up and started a pot of coffee. While it perked, she went outside to have a smoke.
It was freezing outside. It felt good to Nancy. She leaned against the railing and took a drag of her cigarette. A raindrop fell on her finger. She shook it off and looked down. The sidewalk seemed very far. She shivered a little and stubbed out her cigarette. Surely the coffee was done by now. She thought about adding vodka and decided against it.
There was nothing on TV-big surprise-and she ended up going back in her room to listen to the radio. She found some song about a boy committing suicide.
Maybe death is better than this.
She lay back in the dark, listening to the radio and sipping her coffee and thinking about getting a new job.
Chapter Thirteen
Cole was lying on his bed, shaking and concentrating on keeping his dinner in his stomach. Sean had finally noticed that he wasn’t feeling good and told him to take some cough syrup before bed. He was going to, but first he had to keep food down. That was easier said than done. The fact that he hadn’t taken a full shot was making food seem like his worst enemy. He supposed this was a symptom of mild withdrawal. He didn’t want to think of what full withdrawal would be like. There was a knock on the wall outside the door and he winced.
“Y-yeah?”
“I’m goin’ to bed, Buddy. Don’t forget to take syrup for that cough.”
“Night, Dad. Thanks.”
Sean did not come in. Good.
His clothe
s were itchy and tight and he pulled them off and curled under the blankets. They didn’t feel good, either.
When he was sure Sean would not come out for anything, he took a small plush snake out of his backpack. It was green, ratty, and there was a small hole in its tail. He’d put duct tape over the hole, but it was coming off. His mother had given it to him a week before she left. He wondered where she was, if she was even still alive. She had to be, she’d left, not gotten buried in the backyard. He missed her.
Why’d she leave? he wondered. Was it because of something I did?
Surely not, but he knew he’d been a heavy cause of his parent’s arguments. He hid the snake under the mattress again and lay still. He didn’t think he could take the cough medicine-he’d be lucky if he didn’t wake up puking later.
Chapter Fourteen
When Cole came in for his next appointment, Nancy’s jaw dropped. He looked terrible. He was covered in bruises and one of his arms was in a sling.
“What happened to you?” she whispered.
“Got jumped.”
“Sit down. Do you want ice?”
“I’m okay.”
“What about your shoulder?”
“Jammed it.”
The sling looked like it had seen a lot of use before, but Nancy didn’t ask.
“How’s it going?”
“With the…heroin?”
“Yes.”
“It’s going okay, thanks.”
“Sign in, please.”
He did and retreated to the ugly yellow chair after taking a mint. Nancy went back to her paperwork.
“I-I wanted to say…um…thank you. For wrapping my wrist the other day.” His voice was shaking.
“It was nothing. How’s it doing, by the way?”
“It’s okay, thanks. I can use it a little more now.”
“You shouldn’t overuse it. You could damage it more.”
She glanced up. He looked very nervous. Probably lack of a fix.
“How long have you worked here?”
“Three years.”
She wondered why he wanted to know.
“Wow.”
“Yeah. It’s a good place.”
Nancy, you’re a horrible liar.
Cole offered a smile. It didn’t look good on him. He still looked sick. Or did he always look like that?
“How’re you feeling?”
“I’m okay, thanks.” His voice was muffled around the mint in his mouth.
She glanced at the clock. Five minutes. When she looked back at Cole, his eyes were closed and he was shivering. The heater was on seventy-five.
On a whim, she got out the thermometer and went over to him.
“Stick this in your mouth.”
“Why?”
“Because Dr. Grey’s going to want to know.”
He took the thermometer from her, being careful not to touch her. Was he a germophobe?
When it beeped she took it back. Ninety-nine point three.
“Tell Dr. Grey about this.” she said, pointing to the thermometer.
“Okay. Thanks.”
“Don’t fall asleep.”
He flushed and bit his lip. Nancy stuck the thermometer back in the desk and looked at the clock again. Three more minutes.
Cole burrowed into his sweater, his hands vanishing into the sleeves. He didn’t just look sick. He looked scared.
Well, being jumped will do that to you. Nancy thought.
She did not speak to him again until it was time to send him in to see Dr. Grey.
Chapter Fifteen
For the first time since high school-and even then it had been a rare occurrence-Cole was thinking about a girl. He’d always been shy around them, and they hadn’t liked him much, either. The only time one of them had gotten close enough to touch him had been at a party, when they were both drunk. And she was the school slut, so she didn’t count. If anything, she’d scared him a little. But Nancy was different.
He didn’t know what she’d done to get his attention. Whatever it was was probably unintentional. Maybe it was the fact that she’d bothered to wrap his wrist up. Or that she hadn’t given him the look of disgust he knew so well. Or a combination of things. He wanted to get to know her more, if he could.
Dr. Grey had told him not to drop his dose anymore until he was healthy-well, as healthy as possible under the circumstances. He didn’t mind. Maybe he could become accustomed to this new dose and hold off the withdrawal a little longer. The door creaked open a little bit and he closed his eyes. Sean did not come in. Good. The beating he’d gotten the other night had been enough to render him unconscious. He’d woken up on his bed, wearing an old sling Sean kept around in case something like this happened. The door closed a little more and Cole breathed a sigh of relief. If it wasn’t for the heroin, he might have been able to leave, but no one would hire him now, and he had no other place to go. He was stuck here. He hoped that Sean would have a heart attack.
When he was younger he’d loved his father, done everything he could to please him, but the creature down the hall was not his father. Fathers weren’t supposed to get their children hooked on drugs and beat the hell out of them for leaving the back door unlocked.
He shivered and turned his thoughts back to Nancy. That was a safe topic. He got under the blankets, keeping his arm across his chest, and closed his eyes.
He wondered what it was like to be hugged. The last hug he’d gotten had been in the third grade. That was all he wanted now, was to be hugged. Surely it wasn’t too much to ask.
Chapter Sixteen
Nancy loved the weekends. No school, no work, just rest. She was sitting in her kitchen, listening to the coffee perk and watching the rain fall. Her throat hurt.
I probably caught something from Cole. she thought.
Cole…she didn’t understand him at all. Something was wrong. She’d seen heroin users before, and he fit the usual behavior patterns except for one. Most of them were suspicious and angry individuals. He was scared. Yesterday she could understand-being jumped in an alley left aftereffects-but all those days before…was he feuding with his dealer? Probably not-if drug dealers were upset, no one lived very long. Not unless they moved, and he was still here. So that couldn’t be it. Was it his home environment? Again, unlikely. He was old enough to have moved out, and even though he was sick, he could probably defend himself against an angry girlfriend. So what was his problem?
Why do you care?
That was a good question. She didn’t have to. It was in her best interest not to. So what was it about him that made her worry?
Maybe it was all those injuries he came in with. That was probably why. Something was going on-no one was that clumsy. Granted, he’d been jumped once, but still.
Maybe he is that clumsy. Who cares?
She poured herself a coffee and took a sip. It burned her lips. She didn’t care. Her thoughts turned back to Cole.
What was wrong with him, she wondered? Did he have a mental disorder? That was a possibility. Or was it because he was sick? He’d been sick for a long time. Maybe it was something terminal.
Quit thinking about it. You don’t know him, you don’t need to know him, and he’s probably a perv underneath it all.
She took another sip of her coffee and put Cole out of her mind. He had no right to be there, anyway. Men were assholes, and he was no exception.
Chapter Seventeen
Nancy’s desperate attempt to forget about Cole failed miserably when he came in looking and sounding worse than before. The bruises were fading, but his cough had returned and his arm was still in the sling.
“You should’ve called in and stayed home.” she said.
He shook his head.
“I’m fine. It’s just a cold, it won’t go away.” He signed in, his writing a messy scrawl. “Really, it’s nothing.”
Nancy shrugged and pointed to the mints.
“Tak
e one. Or we have cough drops if you want one.”
He declined the cough drops but took two mints.
“Thanks.”
I’ll have to stock up on orange juice. Nancy thought.
“Sure. Go sit down, you don’t look good.” He went and all but fell into the chair. “How are you feeling?”
Now she recognized the look on his face-disbelief.
“I’m okay, thanks.”
He lay his head against the wall and closed his eyes. Nancy brought him a paper cup with water in it.
“Here.”
“Thanks.”
He took it. Their fingertips brushed and Nancy jerked back. Or was it Cole that had done that?
“Thanks.” he said again.
“Yeah.”
He was shivering. Nancy went back to her desk.
“Are you in school?”
She jumped. She’d thought he was going to be quiet. She wished he would be. His voice was raspy and grated on her ears.
“Yes. Are you?”
“N-no. My dad needs me at home.”
“You live with your dad?”
“Yeah.”
His dad was clearly not a good conversation topic. Maybe he had cancer or something.
“That’s nice.”
He did not smile.
“Yeah. I guess.” He took a sip of the water and closed his eyes. “Thanks again.”
“Sure. Get some sleep when you get home.”
He nodded.
“Nancy?”
“Yeah?”
He didn’t say anything for a minute.
“Never mind.”
She didn’t press him. He’d probably forgotten.
“Dr. Grey can see you now.” she said instead.
Chapter Eighteen
Cole was lying on his bed, his head hurting and feeling very confused. How was he supposed to ask out a girl, anyway? Especially one he hardly knew? He hadn’t done anything with a girl before, not even in middle school. He’d always been the quiet, jumpy one getting slammed against the lockers for being the ‘teacher’s pet‘.
This was confusing.
He rubbed a finger over one of the scars on his arm.
Just forget about her, Cole. You’re not worth it. There’s no way she’ll say okay. She probably thinks you’re some kind of freak.
But he wanted to give it a try all the same. Next time he had to go in, he would make an effort to get to know her better. That was a step in the right direction, right?
He reached over and turned on his radio. The sound was scratchy. It soothed him.
He wondered if Sean had gotten new razor blades. But lately he’d been wondering if he wanted to go through with that plan. He’d see how it went with Nancy. He would just have to steer clear of Sean, if he could. The last thing he wanted was for her to start asking questions. He didn’t need her knowing that much.
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