Color Blind
Page 15
“How’re you feeling?”
“Chest hurts.”
“How’s your head?”
“Better.”
“Good.”
He yawned and slumped into the cushions.
“How’d you sleep?”
“Okay, I guess. Please say you got some rest.”
He didn’t respond. Nancy went to get a coffee before sitting down next to him and turning on the news. A picture of a man popped up. The man looked a little like Cole, but his eyes were hard and gray instead of blue.
“There was a suicide last Friday…”
Cole hit the off button hard enough for the remote to make a cracking sound.
“Cole?”
“He won’t fucking leave. He’s dead and he won’t leave.”
“Was that your dad?”
He nodded. Nancy took the remote and his coffee from him made him look at her. His eyes were shiny and his teeth were clenched.
“Why won’t he leave?”
“He’s gone, Cole, it’s okay.”
He shook his head and took a deep breath that made him cough.
“He’s not gone, he’s always gonna show up when I don’t expect him. Him and that bitch that was supposed to be my mother.”
Nancy was glad she hadn’t mentioned Susan Martin. She’d never heard Cole talk like this before.
“Cole?”
“She left me. She left me so she wouldn’t have to put up with him any more. What did she think I had to put up with?”
Nancy wasn’t sure what to say. Cole didn’t seem to expect a response.
“Cole?”
“She fucking left.”
“I don’t think she…”
“Meant to? She meant to. She walked out on us in the middle of the night. Of course she meant to.”
His voice was thick and shaky. Nancy reached over-to do what, she didn’t know yet-and he slumped against her.
“Why me?”
“Shh. It’s okay, it’s okay.”
“She left, Nance. She walked out. Why me, what did I do?”
“Nothing, you didn’t do anything. She made a stupid mistake, that’s all, it wasn’t your fault.”
“How do you know?”
“None of that was your fault, Cole. It’s never your fault.”
“But…”
“Shh. Trust me, it’s not your fault. Look at me.”
He raised his head a little bit. His eyes were blank.
“What.”
“It’s not your fault. None of that was your fault, none of it.”
“You don’t know that. You don’t know the half of it.”
“Tell me.”
“No.”
“Then just believe me. Please?”
He dropped his head back down.
“I don’t know.”
“You do. Deep down you know you didn’t deserve any of that.”
He slid down so he was lying on her lap, staring at a crack in the wall. Nancy folded his hands around his coffee mug and repeated, “You didn’t deserve any of that.”
He took a sip. The motion reminded her of an amusement park robot.
“I don’t know.”
“You do. Don’t worry. It’s over now, it’s all done. They’re gone.”
“They’re not gone.” He pointed to the TV. “They’re always gonna come back when I’m not expecting them.”
“That’s what your nightmare was, huh.”
He nodded and took another sip of his coffee.
“Yeah. I’d forgotten about it.”
She wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but she didn’t ask. He didn’t look like he was all there, anyway.
“Are you okay?”
“No.”
“Do you want to talk?”
“Uh-uh.”
“Okay.”
He put the coffee down and rolled over.
“I’m going to go to sleep.”
“Doctor’s appointment is at noon…”
“It’s only six.”
“Okay. Get some sleep.”
“Thanks.”
“Shh.”
She turned the TV back on and flipped to the cartoon channel.
* * * *
Cole didn’t remember falling asleep. When he woke up later he was confused for a few minutes before the events of that morning trooped into his head.
Dad. Mom. Suicide. Something about the news.
He became aware that he was lying on Nancy’s lap and that his ribs hurt.
“Cole. Cole, wake up. We have to get ready to go now.”
Go? Go where…shit.
What time is it?”
“Ten.”
“I don’t wanna go.”
“Still. It’s for your own good.”
His father had said that many times, but Nancy sounded like she was serious. He didn’t move.
“Please don’t make me go.”
“Don’t be silly. It’ll be okay, twenty minutes at the most, I bet. Come on, wake up all the way.”
Sitting up hurt and Nancy had to support him for a minute while the dizziness faded.
“I don’t wanna go.”
“I know.”
“Nance?”
“Yeah?”
“Am I being ridiculous?”
“No.”
He shrugged and made himself stand up.
“Are you sure I have to go?”
“Yes.”
“I hate doctors.”
“Still.”
He shrugged
Ow, I really have to remember not to do that.
and went to go take a shower.
* * * *
The doctor’s office was cold and white and filled with people. There were three children in there and their parents pulled them back when Cole and Nancy walked in.
“See?” he hissed. “This is why I hate doctor’s offices. There’s always children in them and their parents act like I’m going to go Needle Ninja on them or something.”
“Shh. They’re just idiots, they don’t know any better.”
“I guess.”
A woman appeared at the door.
“Cole Martin?”
“I don’t wanna go.”
“You’re going.”
The back of the building smelled like disinfectants and sickness and vomit…but the vomit could have been his imagination.
“Nance?”
“It’s not that bad. Either you go in there or deal with moms.”
“Okay, I’ll go.”
“Good. Now go.”
The nurse was waiting for them in a white room with an ugly picture of sunflowers on the far wall.
“Okay. I’ll have to ask you to stand on the scale…”
Cole ran a hand through his hair but did what she said.
“How tall are you?”
“Five nine.”
“You’re underweight, hon.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Okay, sit down, the doctor will be in in a few minutes.”
“Okay.”
She left and Cole flopped down on the paper-covered table.
“I think I hate this already.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“I know I’m underweight! I’m not stupid.”
“You’re also stressed out right now. Relax.”
He looked over at her. She looked ill at ease but at least she wasn’t having one of her moments.
“Nance? You okay?”
“Yeah. I just hate that smell. It makes me sick.”
“That makes two of us.”
The door opened and a short, skinny man with bad acne came in. He was wearing thick glasses and he kept rubbing his hands together like he was nervous. Cole didn’t know why he would be nervous. If anyone was going to be nervous in a doctor’s office, it should be the patient.
“Cole?”
“Yes.”
“You’re in here for…concussion and broken ribs, right?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Concussion first. I want you to look at this light here, okay?”
“Okay.”
* * * *
“That wasn’t so bad.”
“No, I guess not.”
“Come on. He didn’t ask you one question outside of ones about your head and ribs.”
“Yeah, I know. Want Chinese food?”
“Sure. Americanese or real?”
“Americanese. I want fake noodles.”
Nancy rolled her eyes at him but didn’t say anything. At least he was in a better mood now.
“How’s this?”
“Mm. Fake noodles. And rice. And orange chicken.”
“Oh, good. You’re hungry.”
“Yeah.”
“How’s it going?”
“Ribs hurt.”
“I’m not surprised. At least your head’s okay.”
“Nancy!”
Nancy spun around. Janet was waving at them.
“Oh, fuck.”
“What…oh. Fuck is right.”
“How are you guys?”
“Fine.”
“What’s up?”
“Doctor’s appointment.”
“That sucks.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“What are you doing today, Janet?”
“Errands.”
“Bummer. How’s your niece?”
That was a good topic. Janet would go on about her niece for hours if Nancy let her. Cole yawned and leaned against the booth with his eyes closed. Nancy was half-zoned out when Janet said, “I saw Dr. Grey yesterday.”
Cole sat up immediately and Nancy scooted closer to him.
“Did you?”
“Yeah. He asked about you…are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
You have no idea, Jan.
“Nance hasn’t been feeling too well.” Cole said. His voice sounded like it was coming from very far away. “She got a cold and she’s still a little fuzzy.”
“Still?”
“Yeah.”
She was vaguely aware of Janet standing up and managed to force out a, “See you.”
“Nancy. Nance, look at me.”
She didn’t think she could move. Breathing was an effort and she really couldn’t see. Hands settled on her shoulders and she felt herself being turned around.
“Nancy, listen to me. It’s okay, you’re okay. Just listen to me.”
She blinked and took a deep breath. Cole’s face came into blurry focus.
“Cole?”
“Yeah. Right here. You okay?”
She managed a nod.
“Y-yes.”
“Good. What happened?”
“I don’t know. It was just…this feeling of defenselessness and scared and…”
“Shh, shh. It’s okay. Just calm down, okay? It’s okay.”
It was easier to breathe now, but she felt uneasy and shaky. Cole took his hands from her shoulders.
“Nance, have you thought about maybe…um…talking to someone?”
“Talking?”
“Don’t take it the wrong way, but yeah. Maybe it would help with the nightmares? It doesn’t have to be a professional, it can be me if you want, but it might help if you don’t bottle everything up.”
“I don’t wanna bug you with this…”
“Nance, this isn’t like you stressing over your math grade. This is a big deal. If you think it would help to talk about it, then talk about it. It’s okay.”
“I don’t know…”
“I’m not making you, but if you think it would help, then go ahead.”
She shrugged.
“I don’t know.”
“Just think about it.”
“Okay.”
“Good…food’s here. Hungry?”
Now that it was here, she realized she was hungrier than she thought.
“Thanks, Cole.”
“Yeah, sure.”
Lunch was a quiet affair after that
Chapter Seventy
Cole had forgotten about the art people until Nancy shoved the phone into his hand and whispered, “Art people.”
“Hello?”
“Cole Martin?”
“Yeah.”
“We like the trees, but I get the feeling you have more in you than that.”
“Well…I have a few sketches I could show you, and one finished thing. The finished thing belongs to my girlfriend, though, so it’s off-limits.”
“Okay. Could you take a picture of that and maybe send in the sketches?”
“Sure. Where do I send them?”
The man on the other end gave him an address and hung up.
“You’re not giving them mine, are you?”
“Of course not. I told them it’s off-limits.”
“Good. Otherwise I might have to kick you out…wait. I’d chain you to the table and have you draw as many pictures as I want.”
“Mm.”
She lay facedown next to him.
“I don’t wanna do my math homework.”
“Are you stuck?”
“Yes.”
“Want help?”
“No, thanks.”
He was worried about her. She’d been getting up at odd hours to have a cigarette and she was looking thinner than usual. He knew she hadn’t gotten much sleep lately but every time he brought it she changed the subject.
“How are you feeling lately?”
“Tired. I’ll be happy when it’s break and I can sleep.”
“Wanna take a nap today?”
“No, I’m okay. Really. How’s your ribs?”
“Sore.”
“Take something.”
“Nothing works. Maybe it would have seven years ago or so, but not now.”
“That’ll fade eventually.”
“I don’t know. No painkiller is gonna work as well as it did.”
She rolled over to face him.
“Sometimes I wish I could be religious again. I’d pray for you.”
“I’m glad you’re not. Then if you turned out to be right, and we died in some freak accident, we wouldn’t get separated.”
“Why do you say that?”
“God doesn’t take junkies like me.”
“I’d nag until He came to get you.”
“Still. Selfishly, I’m glad you’re not religious. I can have road rage without you giving me dirty looks.”
“You’ve driven with me before. I’m just as bad as you.”
“Good point. I guess we go to Hell anyway.”
“Well, Hell is my sister’s house…wanna go on a roadtrip?”
Sadie jumped up onto the couch and sat on Cole’s stomach.
“No. I don’t wanna get scratched trying to get up to pack.”
Nancy laughed and rolled over. Her hair was in her face but she didn’t move it.
“How’s bacon sound for dinner?”
“Bacon?”
“Yes.”
“Sure.”
He didn’t want to upset her, but he had to ask.
“Nance, how are you doing?”
“Me? Fine. Why?”
“You’re sure? You’re handling everything okay?”
“What are you…oh. Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. You know, considering. Better than I was six months ago. Better than when I met you.”
“Good.”
“Don’t worry about me, I’m okay.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah. Want dinner now?”
“If we have cinnamon rolls.”
“We do.”
“Then yes.”
He watched her go into the other room and thought that she was a terrible liar.
Chapter Seventy-One
“You’re quiet today, Cole.”
“Sorry.”
“Are you okay?”
“Sore ribs, that’s all. And artist’s block.”
“Can I look at your book?”
“If you want
.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Nope.”
There was nothing but the sound of pages turning for a few minutes. He was zoned out again when Nancy gasped.
“What is this?”
“What?”
She put the book down in front of him. He found himself staring at a picture of Jesus Christ, crucified on a needle.
“Oh. That. It’s old.”
“It’s scary.”
“I guess.”
“When did you do this?”
“A long time ago. Probably around the time heroin started to suck.”
“You should redo it, make it bigger.”
That was not a bad idea. Before he could think about it further, the phone rang. It was the police.
“Hello?”
“Cole?”
“Yes, sir.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“There’s one question I forgot to ask you-do you know anything of your mother’s whereabouts?”
“No. And I really don’t care. If she turns up, don’t mention me.”
“Okay.” The officer sounded startled.
“I don’t think she will. If she cared, she would’ve stayed. But good luck.”
He hung up before the man could ask anything else. Nancy hadn’t moved from the doorway.
“Cole?”
She sounded scared. He didn’t like it when she sounded like that.
“Yeah?”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You sounded upset.”
“I’m fine!”
She stepped back.
“Okay.”
“Nancy…”
But she was gone, probably into their room. He wasn’t sure what to do. He stood up, took a step towards the bedroom, and turned back to the kitchen wall. That was the perfect size for a large piece of paper to hang.
“Nance? I’m gonna go to the store, okay?”
“Why?”
“Art stuff. Do you need anything?”
“No.”
“See you in a little bit!”
He said good-bye to Sadie and left.
* * * *
When Nancy came out an hour later, she found Cole taping a large piece of thick paper to the kitchen wall.
“What are you doing? Go lie down.”
“No. Later.”
“Why?”
“Nance, I’m trying to work, okay? Just…no. I’m fine.”
She shook her head and took Sadie with her to work on homework.
Chapter Seventy-Two
“What’d you get for question eight?”
“Um…thirty-six?”
“I got forty-five.”
Nancy frowned. She wished Cole was awake to help them out, but he had fallen asleep twenty minutes ago. She didn’t feel that sorry for him-he’d stayed up until midnight drawing the night before.
“We’re both wrong. It’s twelve.”
“I’m confused.”
“We’ll ask on that one.”
Janet shoved her book away from her and looked at Cole.
“Are you sure about this, Nancy?”
“I just told you I’m confused.”
“No, no. About Cole.”
“What do you mean about Cole?”
“Nancy…” Janet stopped. She looked uncomfortable. Nancy leaned back and waited.
“Well?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but…are you sure you’re happy? I mean, he’s a junkie for Christ’s sake…”