Girl at Heart

by Kelly Oram

  Jace and Mark finally set me down, and I throw my arms around Jace, kissing him before he can get away. (He doesn’t seem like he’s in a hurry to go anywhere.) When we break our kiss, I throw my hands in the air and shout, “Victory party at my house!”

  More cheers erupt, and on the way to the locker rooms, I get hugs, high-fives, and hair pulls from every player on the team. I even get a playful butt slap from Reynolds that has Jace glaring at him and punching his arm. Mark just laughs hysterically and disappears into the guys’ locker room. Jace and I stand there outside the locker room doors, both reluctant to let go of one another. “You ready to have the whole team invade your house?” Jace teases.

  I laugh. “Why not? The entire cheer team invaded this morning.”

  “True.”

  “I’m actually looking forward to it,” I admit. “Don’t tell anyone, but Dad invited the team to join us.”

  Jace scrunches up his face. “What team?”

  I smirk. “Pittsburgh.”

  It takes him a second to get it, and when his eyes bulge, I burst into laughter. “Your dad invited the Pittsburgh Pirates to our end-of-year party?” he whisper hisses.

  I nod, still laughing. “It’s their day off. Most of them have RSVP’d. A few of them were even at the game today.”

  Jace blinks. “Wow.”

  “Yup. I can’t wait to see the looks on the guys’ faces.”

  Jace finally shakes himself from his shock and chuckles. “Yeah. That’ll be epic. Reynolds is going to pee himself.”

  I laugh. “That’s what I said.”

  Jace stops laughing and looks at me with heat in his eyes that has me blushing. “You’re an amazing girl, Charlie Hastings. Thank you for being my girlfriend.”

  I roll my eyes. “Because it’s such a hardship and all.”

  Jace grins and presses his lips to mine. I wrap my arms around his neck, but our kiss is broken up when Eric clears his throat. “Sorry,” he says to Jace, as if apologizing for interrupting. Surprisingly, he actually seems sincere. He looks at me and clears his throat again. This time, it’s a nervous gesture. “Um, your dad said he’d ride home with my dad if you wanted to ride back with me.”

  What he’s asking for without saying is for some alone time with me. I glance at Jace to make sure he’s okay with that. I’m not surprised when he gives me an encouraging smile. “Go. I know you guys need to talk.”

  I’m so grateful to have found the world’s most understanding boyfriend. “Thanks. I’ll see you at my house.”

  “See you then.” He grips Eric on the shoulder. “Good game, Sullivan.”

  Eric nods. “You too.”

  It’s not exactly a friendly exchange, but it’s respectful, so I’ll take it.

  . . . . .

  After a quick shower, I find Eric waiting for me at my Dad’s SUV. I’m so nervous I’m practically shaking. If we can’t fix our relationship now, chances are we won’t before he leaves next month. And I need to work things out. I can’t lose him. “Hey.” Original, I know, but I can’t think of anything else to say.

  “Hey,” he says back, seeming just as nervous and awkward as me. “You ready?”

  He opens the back door for me to toss in my gear and then proceeds to open the passenger door for me. I’m shocked. Jace does that for me every time, but Eric’s never once in his life done it. “Thanks,” I say as I slide into the passenger door and he closes it for me.

  As he rounds the car to the driver’s side, I take a deep breath and try to settle my anxiety. He slides in behind the wheel, but instead of turning on the car he just sits there. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Apparently I’m not the only one struggling with nerves right now. His hands fall from the steering wheel into his lap, and he finally turns a pain-filled gaze on me. “I love you, Charlie. More than anything. But you’re my family. I don’t—I can’t…see you any other way.”

  The look of torture on his face makes my heart hurt. I reach over and take his hand. “I know.” I offer him a sincere smile. “I’ve always known that. That’s why I couldn’t talk to you at first. Why I opened up to Jace instead.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  Eric swallows. He looks down at my hand holding his and laces our fingers together. It’s a platonic gesture, but one that suggests he needs to feel close to me. I know exactly how he feels. “So it’s true?” he asks so quietly I almost can’t hear him. “What Jace said last night? You really did all this stuff because of me? You’re really in… I mean you really…”

  He can’t even say the words. That’s how much it hurts him to think I’m in love with him. It’s not that he’s appalled by the idea, it’s just that he can’t return the feelings, and he hates that he might break my heart. It takes me a few seconds to collect my thoughts. “Yes and no,” I finally say.

  Eric’s brow furrows in confusion, and he waits for me to say more. I sigh and give his hand a squeeze. “It’s not a black-and-white answer. Yes, you asking Shelly to prom was the catalyst for my meltdown. Yes, I was devastated. Yes, I had feelings for you that I knew I shouldn’t. I couldn’t help it. You’re an easy guy to love.”

  He closes his eyes again, pinching them shut. After another bob of his Adam’s apple, he croaks, “I’m sorry.”

  I squeeze his hand again. “It’s okay, Eric. I’m all right. It’s not how you’re thinking.” At Eric’s frown, I give him a soft smile. “I was so confused when you told me about Shelly, but it wasn’t just because I thought I was in love with you. There was so much more to it than that. Your reaction to me wanting to go to prom triggered a massive identity crisis that took me by surprise.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…I’m a girl.”

  Eric’s frown deepens. He’s still thoroughly confused. “Of course you’re a girl.”

  I sigh. “I don’t mean literally. Of course I’m literally a girl. I mean…I’m also a girl on the inside—a girly-girl.”

  Eric shakes his head. “No, you’re not. You’re—”

  “Yes,” I insist, “I am. Inside. Deep down I’m not the tomboy everyone expects me to be. I’m a girl at heart. I always have been; I’ve just been suppressing that part of me for so long because I was afraid you, Kev, and Diego wouldn’t like me otherwise, and I couldn’t lose you.”

  “Charlie…” His voice cracks like he’s on the verge of tears.

  “Being a tomboy was fine for a long time, and to be honest, I didn’t really know how to be anything else. But the older I got, the more I realized I wasn’t happy with who I was, and the harder it became to keep being one of the guys.”

  We sit in silence for a minute, and it’s hard to breathe. I have no idea what Eric is thinking. Will he understand? Can he accept me for who I am now? He has to. I can’t survive anything else.

  “You could have told me,” Eric says softly, gazing out the windshield.

  My reply is just as quiet. “I couldn’t.” Now it’s my eyes that are pinched shut. My voice that’s cracking from emotion. “When I asked you about prom, you and the guys…you all laughed because the thought of me acting like other girls was so ridiculous that you genuinely couldn’t picture me wanting to go. That’s what hurt. Yeah, I had a crush on you, and I knew you didn’t feel the same, but that was nothing compared to the fact that I felt like none of you really saw me. I felt like no one saw me, no one really understood me. I didn’t quit the team because I was broken up over you and Shelly. I quit the team because I was suffocating, and I didn’t know how to fix it.”

  Eric finally looks at me. His eyes are guarded. “You were that unhappy?”

  I sigh again and shake my head. “I wasn’t unhappy,” I promise, because he looks hurt again. “You, Diego, and Kev are the best friends anyone could ask for. I have a great life, the best dad in the world, and friends who would kill for me. I love you guys. But I was conflicted. I knew something wasn’t righ
t—that I needed something more. I just wasn’t sure how to get it. I was so confused that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt trapped in my own life.”

  Eric glares out the windshield and grips the wheel again so hard his knuckles turn white. “Then King just swooped in while you were vulnerable and changed everything about you,” he grumbles, a sharp edge to his voice.

  I make my voice stern to match his. “No. That’s what I’m saying. Jace didn’t change me. I changed me. I asked Jace for help because I was desperate, and he recruited Leila. I asked Leila to teach me how to be a girl because that’s what I wanted, and I didn’t know how to do it. This, everything I’ve gone through in the last few weeks, it’s been my choice.” When Eric’s jaw clenches and he still won’t look at me, desperation bleeds into my voice. “Eric, they’ve helped me so much. They helped me learn who I am and gave me the confidence to actually be that person. My life feels more right than it ever has. The only thing wrong now is the strain between you and me, and I can’t stand it.”

  Still, he says nothing, and it makes me feel more vulnerable than I ever have in my life. “Is it really so bad…this new me? The makeover, the new friends, the branching out with people, and yes, all right, the giggling?”

  That finally makes Eric crack a smile. He cuts me a sideways glance. “The giggling is weird.”

  I chuckle, but the light atmosphere doesn’t last. “But is it so weird that you don’t want to be my friend anymore?”

  Eric’s eyes snap wide. “How can you even ask me that? I’ll never stop wanting to be your friend. Never. No matter what.”

  I gulp. “But you’ve been so angry.”

  “Because Jace stole you from me! Everything was fine, and then one day, out of the blue, you were hanging out with him instead of me, telling him all your secrets when you wouldn’t talk to me. You ditched me, Charlie. All of a sudden, with no warning and no explanation.”

  My eyes fill with tears, and I frantically shake my head. “I didn’t. I tried to talk to you, to explain what I could, but you were so angry right from the start, and you hated the new me. You hated everything that made me so much happier. It felt like you hated me.”

  When tears spill from my eyes and roll down my cheeks, Eric immediately deflates. His face and voice turn so soft it makes my insides mush. “Hey, hey, hey. I could never hate you.” He reaches over and pulls me across the center console so he can give me a hug. It’s physically awkward, but I don’t care. “I was worried about you, and jealous of your new friendships, and hurt because I didn’t understand, but I don’t hate you. I could never. Not even with the giggling.”

  That last statement only makes me giggle, and Eric finally laughs. He wipes my tears and then sits back. I take a deep breath. Our laughter dies, but it feels like a weight has been lifted from my chest.

  Eric pins me with one of his signature intense gazes and asks, “And you’re really happier now?”

  I nod. “I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.”

  “And King?” he asks. “You’re really happy with him? Because if you’re not, if he hurts you, I’ll bury him.”

  He’s not kidding, but I laugh anyway. “If he hurts me, I’ll help you. And Kev and Diego can be our lookouts.”

  Eric cracks a smile, but it doesn’t last. “So then…what about…”

  “You?” I will myself not to blush. I don’t think it works. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m over it. My feelings for you are what they should be now. I promise.”

  Eric searches my eyes for the truth in my words. “Because of King?”

  “Well, yeah.” I shrug. “Right from the start, things between Jace and me were easy. He makes me feel…special.” And now my cheeks are definitely blushing. “He saw the me I wanted to be when no one else could. He gets me on a deeper level. And the way he treats me… No one has ever treated me like I’m someone to adore, to cherish. Jace does that.”

  Eric narrows his eyes, and I hold my breath as I wait for his reaction. He scowls, but there’s no real menace behind it. “Fine. If he does that, I guess you have my permission to date him.”

  I snort. “Your permission?”

  “Yes,” he says seriously. “I’m implementing a new rule. No dating someone without my approval. I’m not going to let you date any jerks, Charlie. End of story.”

  His protective vibes make me smile, but I still fold my arms and cock an eyebrow at him. “Fine. But that rule goes both ways. The next time you go out with someone like Shelly, I’m going to smack you.”

  Eric shudders. “Please do. That chick is a nightmare.”

  I laugh. “She really is.”

  When our laughter dies down, I ask Eric one last question. “Are we good now?”

  Eric pauses as if he has to think about it. He lets out a long breath and finally starts the car. He shoots me a sideways glance and a small, crooked smile. “Yeah, Hastings. We’re all good now.”

  When we get home, we head out back, and the whole yard has been transformed. Everything’s decked out in the school’s colors of blue and gold. The caterers—yes, Dad had my baseball team’s end-of-year party catered—have set up a huge grill, and the smell of barbecue is mouthwatering. There are banquet tables set up underneath shade tents, and an array of giant inflatable water slides and obstacle courses. It looks like a mini version of American Ninja Warrior. Eric and I both laugh when we see a whole truckload of water guns and balloons. There’s also a table set out with GoPros with headgear attachments. “You think Chad will ever grow up?” Eric asks.

  I smirk. “No. Never.”

  And speaking of the man-child, Dad jogs over when he sees us. He waves a hand at the backyard. “What do you guys think? I had the event planners working hard while we were at the game.”

  I slide my arm around his waist and give him a side hug. “It’s great, Dad. The team is going to love it.”

  Dad squeezes me back and gives me the ultimate proud parent smile. “Well, you guys deserve it. State Champions. Even I wasn’t on a championship team in high school.”

  “So when is everyone getting here?”

  Dad looks at his watch. “Within the next fifteen to twenty minutes, so go get your suits on.”

  Eric and I head into the house to get ready, and by the time I reach the backyard again, there are already a few dozen guests. It’s a good mix of the team and their families, and the cheerleaders, whom Dad apparently invited this morning when they all came over for breakfast, and lots of people from Dad’s work. Reynolds is there with Jace and comes bounding over to me, giddy with excitement. “Hastings! Dude! Do you know who is here?”

  I chuckle. “Oh, I don’t know, half the Pittsburgh Pirates’ starting lineup?”

  He nods frantically. “Half the Pittsburgh Pirates’ starting lineup!”

  And then, Mark Reynolds, Pittsburgh Pirates fanboy, throws himself at me in a Leila King-worthy tackle hug. He even squeals a little in his giddiness. (I am both happy and strangely disappointed to report he has not peed his pants.)

  When he lets me go, Jace sidles up next to me. He kisses my cheek and looks at Eric. “You guys finally get things worked out?”

  Eric crosses his arms and stares down my boyfriend. I want to scoff at the display of dominance, but I give Eric this moment. “We’re good,” he grumbles. “And you can date her. But I swear, if you ever hurt her, I will break you.”

  Jace takes the threat in stride. He nods, and with much more ease and casualness (Is that even a word? Casualness?) says, “Ditto, Sullivan. Ditto.”

  Eric narrows his eyes and they stare each other down for a million years. But then, suddenly, Eric nods and then Jace nods and then they shake hands. I guess they’ve reached an understanding. “Great, great, we’re all friends again,” Mark says, breaking up Jace and Eric’s moment. “Let’s go try out that obstacle course.”

  Mark’s excitement dispels the tension, and we all head over to watch Reynolds eat it on the obstacle course.
An hour or so later, we all sit down to an amazing meal, and Coach Stanton gets up to give a speech and hand out awards. I’m sitting between Dad and Jace, with Leila and Mr. and Mrs. King on one side of us, and Eric and his parents on the other. Looking around, I realize I’m surrounded by so many people I’ve grown to care for over the last few weeks. It’s amazing to me how far I’ve come in such a short time.

  After Coach hands out all the appropriate pins, varsity letters, and certificates that the players have earned, Coach grins and asks Dad to come up. Everyone cheers, but me, Eric, Kev, and Diego are the loudest.

  “As you know,” Coach says once the applause has died down, “Chad Hastings has graciously hosted today’s banquet.” He waits through another round of cheers. “He also has a surprise for all our players that I’ll let him tell you about.”

  All the guys look to me, but I’m as out of the loop as they are. Dad and his surprises…

  “Thanks, Coach,” Dad chirps when he reaches the microphone. He rubs his hands together and grins at all my teammates. “For the last four years, you guys have had to deal with a lot of flack having a girl on your team. And I know freshman year it was a bit of an adjustment for all of you. But you accepted Charlie and have respected her as both a person and a player. You accepted her as your teammate and have defended her against all the naysayers.”

  Dad stops then and has to steady his voice when he very fervently says, “Thank you. Thank you for making my baby feel like one of you. For encouraging her and supporting her through this journey. It has meant the world to Charlie and the world to me, so I wanted to do something nice for all of you as a thank-you for your years of support.”