by Melody Adams
"Will you do it again?"
Again, I shook my head.
"No, it hurt."
Yes, it hurt, but that was why I did it. The pain was liberating and distracted from the pain that was not physical. But I didn't think my aunt knew about borderline. She probably didn't know why people like me cut. I needed to convince her everything was fine, and that she didn't have to worry. – And that she didn't have to drag me to a psychiatrist.
"You... you wouldn't... would not again...?"
I knew what she meant. Would I slit my wrists again? Yeah, she knew. But she didn't know about my bulimia or my borderline disorder. Mom hadn't told anyone about that. Only she and my therapists had known about it.
"No, Aunt Claire. I'm okay. I really am."
"Okay. You, um... you can talk to me if... if you... need help, okay?"
I nodded.
"I'm okay. Promise. I think I can go back to bed now."
"Let me just get this properly," said Aunt Claire, and rose again.
A little later she kneeled down next to me and cleaned the cut with Betadine and stuck a Band-Aid over it. I didn't need a damn Band-Aid, but I didn't want to argue with her now. I wanted her out of my bathroom, out of my room. Before she got the idea to ask more questions or check my arms.
"Okay. This should be fine. Let me know if it reddens or feels hot. I don't want it to get infected."
"It wasn't deep," I mumbled. "It's okay. Thanks."
Aunt Claire took a deep breath and nodded. She gathered the first aid kit, got up and put everything back in the closet. I got up and waited in tension for her to finally leave.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Aunt Claire asked, uncertain. "I could sit by your bed for a while."
God, no. Anything but that.
I shook my head.
"That won't be necessary. Honestly. I'm fine."
I gave her a smile I hoped would be convincing. She nodded and smiled back. She brushed a strand of my hair off my face.
"You look more and more like your mom."
I smiled in agony. The thought of Mom still hurt like an open wound. Aunt Claire shook her head regretfully.
"Sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up."
"No, it's okay," I assured her, though it was far from okay. "It hurts, but it doesn't make things better if everyone avoids the subject. I must learn to accept that she is gone. Forever."
"You've grown up so much, Abby," said Aunt Claire. "Your mom would be very proud of you. I know you're dealing with problems and what you did with Beth... I just want to say I understand, okay? I just want you to be happy. Like I said, we can always talk. About anything. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Good. I'll... I'll be going then. Good night, Abby."
"Good night."
I breathed a sigh of relief when she closed the door behind her. Lifting my pajama shirt, I ripped off the damn Band-Aid. I didn't want anything on my cuts. It healed better without, anyway. I threw the Band-Aid in the trash and went to bed. It was unlikely that I would fall asleep again, but I could use the comfort of my soft pillow. I hugged the pillow firmly, wishing Brownie were with me. But my teddy was long gone. Lost. Contrary to my expectations, I fell asleep again at some point.
Kent
I grinned as I closed the library door behind me. It was deserted here. It was Friday, and everyone was in a hurry to get home. Not so Abby. She disappeared at the end of the row around the corner. I had no idea if she came here to study or if she just wanted to buy time to avoid others. Especially me. The constant torture seemed to slowly get to her. In the beginning she had endured everything wordlessly and not shed a single tear, which had annoyed me. I wanted her tears. I needed her tears. If only Nate hadn't made the don't-fuck-her-rule. I would’ve her screaming by now. And I wouldn't have to run around with blue balls all the time. Fuck. I didn't like the girl, but I knew Mr. D wanted her. Badly. Even now, I was hard as fucking steel. I cupped my hard length through the fabric of my jeans and squeezed to give me a little relief. I’d fucked other women. Hell, I even had a little orgy with Seth and three girls, but my craving for Abby burned undiminished. Seth probably felt the same way. He fucked his way through every hole that came his way because he wanted the one woman he could not have. The one chick who had vanished without a trace. And I doubted that his desire for Lilian was sated in the slightest by the countless pussies that paved his way. I felt the same way. Maybe I should talk to Nate. Once I'd fucked the girl, I would finally have some peace. And we could use it to break her. It was a lot easier to break a girl if you made her feel something for you. I could break her heart and humiliate her in front of everyone. That would be a lot more effective than this juvenile stuff. Snakes and dog shit in the locker. Soaked clothes. Humiliation. None of that was enough. She was obviously used to being alone and having no friends. Making her an outsider and object of ridicule was not as effective as it would have been with others.
I followed Abby at a slow pace. I was in no hurry. She wouldn’t get away from me here. And no one was here to help her. The teachers had a conference and Mrs. Yale, who was in charge of the library, had already gone home.
Abby was only a few steps away from me. If she noticed me, she didn't let on. She sauntered through the rows until she stood in front of the classics. Her hand went to a book on the shelf and was about to pull it out when she finally noticed my presence. She flinched with a small scream and the book fell out of her hands and landed on the floor. Without taking my eyes off her, I crouched down. My gaze went from her to the book. Pride and prejudice. I grinned. I picked up the book and stood up.
"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it...," I quoted.
Abby stared at me, a little confused.
"W-what?"
"Pride and prejudice," I explained, holding up the book. "I probably read it about twenty times."
"Oh. I... I haven't..."
"You should. It is a classic after all," I said, holding the book out to her.
She took the book and held it pressed against her chest like a shield, nervously staring at me from under long lashes. The fear in her dark eyes excited me. Involuntarily, a soft groan escaped as my fantasy ran away with me. We were all alone here. I could do so many things with her. No one would ever know. Abby's soft whimpering tore me out of my trance. She looked like a deer in the headlights. She would flee at any moment. Just as she was about to turn away, I grabbed her by the upper arm. I pulled her close to me. She cried out in horror. Fuck. I was so hard, I could hardly think straight. My desire for her was a beast that threatened to get out of control.
Abby
My heart raced wildly in my chest. Kent's grip around my upper arm was painfully tight. He held me so close to his hard body that I had no problem feeling his erection, which pressed against my stomach like a threat. Panic grabbed my heart with sharp claws and I screamed. A big hand suppressed my scream.
"We are alone here, Abbygirl. No one will come to save you," Kent whispered in my ear.
I closed my eyes tightly, as if that would make the nightmare disappear. As if that would make Kent vanish into thin air. But the hard length that pressed against me from behind was real. He would rape me. I’d survived the ridicule and the pranks. Even the night in the dark cellar. But I knew I would not survive if Kent forced himself on me. I whimpered against his hand. My body trembled in his arms as I mentally prepared myself for what would inevitably come. The hand on my mouth disappeared, but I was too shocked to scream. Kent turned me in his arms and he lifted my chin to stare at me. I shivered and whimpered as I stared up at his attractive face. Why did the biggest monsters always have to be the most beautiful? Monsters like him should be as ugly on the outside as they were on the inside. But I’d learned this was rarely the case. The most beautiful were usually the cruelest. The attraction for Kent was still there. But the fear was stronger. The fear of what he might do to me o
vershadowed everything.
"Please," I whimpered in a last, desperate attempt to reach his black heart. To spare me. – At least from that. Anything but that. Oh, God! Anything but that.
"Look at that little bitch."
"Make her scream, Jake."
"No, Bobby comes first. Let him have a go."
"You like that, don't you, baby? You want us to do these things with you."
"Of course the little whore likes it."
"Give it to her, Bobby! Show her how it's done!"
Kent
The panic in Abby's eyes irritated me. I’d watched her, had seen how she faced humiliation and ridicule with the heart of a warrior. Even after that traumatic night in the basement, she’d stood up to me. I didn’t understand why she suddenly showed such panic. There was an attraction between us. I’d bet on this attraction to play with her a little. But this didn’t go as planned. A little fear – yes. I expected that. I wanted to play with it. Fear could be arousing. For both sides. But what I saw in her eyes was more than just a little fear. It was sheer panic. Terror. This was not what I wanted. It wasn't even what the sadistic beast in me wanted.
I took her face in my hands and held her gaze. She still trembled. Shock prevented her from screaming for help. Even though I looked her straight in the eyes, I had the feeling that she didn't really see me. That her mind was somewhere else. Then it suddenly all made sense. Of course. How could I not have seen that right away? She had been raped. Someone had taken by force what did not belong to him. The thought made me furious. I might be a sadistic bastard, but I would never take a girl by force. I would find out who did this to her, and I would make sure that the bastard paid. But for now, I had to put aside the fury that raged in my chest like a beast and bring Abby back to the here and now. I let go of her and lifted her up into my arms. She shook all over her body, but she didn't make a sound. She was in such a shock that she couldn't even defend herself. Fuck. I took her to one of the reading corners and sat down on a couch with her. Still, she showed no reaction. As if she didn't even notice her surroundings or what was happening to her anymore. She had probably retreated into a hiding place somewhere inside her. I’d read about it. Sometimes people withdrew into themselves in painful or extremely stressful situations, so they didn’t have to experience the horror. It was an escape into a hidden space where nothing and nobody could reach them. I had no idea how long this could last. Or if it was possible to get through to her somehow. Holding her against me, I slowly rocked her back and forth. As I did so, I murmured soft, soothing words into her ear. Was I imagining this? Or had her tremor really diminished? Maybe I was on the right track.
"Shhhh. It's all right, Abbygirl. Come back to me, baby. You're safe. I swear it. I would never violate you like that. Yes, I'm an asshole. And I know you got no reason to trust me, but I would never take you by force."
Abby had gone quiet in my arms. She stopped shaking. I grabbed her chin to look at her. This time her eyes did not look as if they were looking through me. She was back. Relief flooded through me.
"Hey," I said softly. "You scared the hell out of me."
"What... what...?"
"You were in shock," I said. "After I grabbed you, you suddenly freaked out completely and then your mind just went. I brought you here and..."
Abby tore herself away from me and climbed hastily from my lap, looking around distraught before her gaze went back to me. Distrust stood written in her eyes. I shook my head. It was obvious what she thought.
"I never touched you, Abby. I may be an asshole, but I don't force myself on girls. And I don't assault women who are not mentally present. I prefer my women a little bit livelier than that."
For a while we stared at each other in silence. I couldn't tell if she believed me or not, but at least she seemed to have recovered from her panic attack. I didn't believe she was afraid of me at the moment. Maybe she believed me that I would not take her by force. I sighed before I stood up.
"Come. I'll drive you home."
She shook her head.
"I can walk. I'm not getting into a car with you."
She held my gaze with stubborn determination.
"I'm not gonna touch you. Cross my heart. I just want to take you home."
"I don't need your help," she said, looking at me with hate. "You're the last person I would come to for help. I can walk. If you really want to do me a favor: LET! ME! BE!"
Chapter 7
Abby
It was three days after the incident in the library, and Kent had not approached me or played any more pranks. Even if some students still pushed me in the hallway or tried to trip me up, I at least had some peace. I still could not quite comprehend what happened in the library. I remembered that Kent grabbed me, remembered the panic when I thought he would rape me. The next thing I knew, I find myself sitting in Kent's lap. Kent was an asshole, and I didn't trust him one bit, but I believed him when he said he hadn't touched me. If he forced me to have sex, he would want me to be conscious. He wouldn't take advantage of my mental absence, nor would he give me any rape drugs. That wasn’t his style.
Beth's absence also helped me feel more stable at the moment. I hadn’t cut myself since the night Aunt Claire surprised me in the bathroom. I still stuck my finger in my mouth now and then, but I did that even when I was reasonably well. It was probably more of a habit. The black clouds inside me had cleared up for the time being. By my standards, I could say that I felt good. I could breathe freely and I hadn't even had nightmares. At least, not as far as I remembered.
My gaze went to the cloudy sky above me and I took a deep breath. Summer had turned into fall and the air was getting cooler. Clearer. I liked the fall. It was somehow cleansing. I liked the rain and wind. When it rained and stormed, I felt more alive. I took another deep breath before I continued on my way. I shortened the way home by walking through the small woods that separated the east side of the school grounds from the main road. But it was not only about saving time. I wanted to avoid my classmates, who left the grounds in groups and filled every path, every street around the school. Here I was alone. There was a pleasant smell of rotting leaves and damp forest soil. I could live alone in a cabin in the forest and be happy. I didn’t need a soul. People were not to be trusted. Even those who pretended to have your best interests in mind could betray you. People who love you, who were supposed to be there for you, hurt you or left you. Even Mom. She had left me, too.
No! No! No! I couldn't let the dark clouds back into my heart. I had to block those thoughts. The last few days I had been feeling so good. I couldn't fall into that hole again. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to push the thoughts away together with the dark clouds and think of something more pleasant instead. With the fresh fall air in my nose, I imagined my cabin in the woods. I would have a dog. Dogs were faithful. They were not like people. I would call him Merlin. Merlin and I would roam the forest together during the day, and in the evening we would sit together in front of the fireplace and enjoy the silence. I could see the flames before my inner eye, felt their warmth on my skin. A smile was on my lips as I walked through the forest and followed my daydream. I paid little attention to my surroundings. When suddenly a figure appeared from behind a tree and tore me out of my positive thoughts, I cried out.
Kent
I left Abby alone for three days to work out my plan. Nate had given me the green light to try a new tactic. I would make Abby fall in love with me. Then I would humiliate her and break her heart. I knew I could not suddenly change my behavior towards her. That would be too conspicuous. She would become suspicious if I suddenly pretended to be a sweet and gentle guy. Nor did I believe that a gentle guy would stand a chance with her. There was darkness in her. It was this darkness I would flirt with. It also suited my own personality much better. I wasn’t Prince Charming. There lived a wild, sadistic beast inside of me. And I would unleash that beast on Abby. I took some time to figure out my tactics, and I came to the conclusion
that I had to be both Abby's tormentor and her hero. I had to unbalance her emotions. So she was never sure whom she was dealing with or what I was planning next. Being unpredictable was the key.
I followed Abby at a distance through the woods. That she always took this shortcut gave me the idea. Until now, I had been Abby's tormentor. Today I would be her hero. I just hoped that Dan didn't screw things up or get too physical. The thought of another guy laying hands on Abby drove me crazy. She was mine. Mine to torture. Mine to seduce. And mine to break. Dan was supposed to scare her a little, but if he put his fingers on places that were off-limits, I would break his said fingers.
Abby seemed to take no notice of her surroundings. She seemed deep in thoughts. I wished I could crawl into her head and find out what was going on inside. I wanted to know what made her tick, wanted to solve every little secret before I broke her for good. Maybe I could use one of her secrets to destroy her.
I was so busy thinking about it, I almost didn't notice Dan coming out from behind a tree and jumping in front of Abby. Abby cried out. Somehow I didn’t like the fact that she was afraid of someone other than me. Her fear, her screams were mine.
It's all part of the plan, you moron, my inner voice said. Stop acting like a jealous lover and do what is necessary. Focus on the fucking plan!
"Where are you going, little Red Riding Hood," sneered Dan, grinning wolfishly at Abby.
"Leave me alone."
Abby tried hard to make her voice sound firm, but I knew her better. Outwardly she seemed calm, but inside she was about to freak out. I could end this now, but I wanted Abby to feel a little more fear before I intervened. The more scared she was, the more she would appreciate being saved.
"Aaaawww, Little Red Riding Hood. Don't you know who I am?" Dan teased with a wicked grin. "I am the big bad wolf, and I want to eat you."