Fangs for Everything

by Tommy Greenwald

  “We are,” said Baxter, also stating the obvious.

  “Cool!” Daisy sat down in the chair I’d been in, while I stood there with Abby, not moving.

  Mrs. Flowers smiled. “Hi, Jimmy, it’s nice to see you. How are your parents?”

  FACT: Other parents always ask about your parents, even though they know the answer is always going to be “They’re good, thanks.”

  “They’re good, thanks.”

  Mrs. Flowers nodded at her daughter. “Shall we go in and get a treat?”

  Daisy didn’t move. “Do I have to? I’m exhausted from all that jumping and flipping and yelling.”

  “Ha!” Mrs. Flowers looked at me. “Daisy gave me such a hard time about cheerleading. I told her I was a cheerleader back in my day, and it was really hard and a ton of fun, but she kept insisting it was lame and unathletic and boring. And now look at her—too tired to go inside and get a cookie!”

  “Well, I saw her cheer, and she was very good,” I said. “You should be very proud.”

  “Right?” said Mrs. Flowers. “I told her I thought she could be captain of the squad next year if she wanted.”

  “I bet.”

  FACT: Kids tend to agree with adults a lot. It’s just easier that way.

  But Daisy wasn’t about to let me off the hook. “Wait a second. Back at the game you said you thought cheerleading was ridiculous. And you said you couldn’t believe I would ever be a cheerleader.”

  “I don’t remember saying that,” I said dumbly.

  “And then you left, like, right away.” Daisy narrowed her eyes. “It’s true, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a cheerleader. I thought maybe it was silly. But it turned out to be fun and challenging, and I wanted you guys to come see for yourself.” I glanced over at Irwin, who always enjoyed watching me squirm. Daisy went in for the kill. “Do you remember back when you started playing lacrosse, and you got so mad at me when I didn’t come to watch you play? How is that any different from this? Are you saying that cheerleading is somehow less worthy than lacrosse? Because that’s not fair.”

  “Very well said,” Irwin said.

  Daisy grinned. “Thanks.”

  For some reason, it was the grin that really got to me. Maybe it was because she was acting like everything was just peachy, five seconds after making me feel like a total jerk. Maybe it was because Irwin had just said that Chad was a basketball star and I was a little kid who believed in vampire dogs. Whatever the reason, I suddenly got mad, which can be the only explanation for what I said next.

  FACT: Whenever you say something because you’re angry, chances are very good you’re going to regret it later.

  “Maybe Chad will come down here too,” I said to Daisy. “Then you can cheer really loudly for his amazing ability to eat a cookie.”

  Daisy’s face turned cold. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  Irwin must have felt bad, because he tried to bail me out, for once. “Jimmy’s just kidding around,” he said. “Obviously, you were only cheering for Chad really loudly at the game because he’s such a good basketball player.” Irwin paused. “I mean, that was the only reason, right?”

  Daisy stood up so abruptly that her chair fell backward.

  “Honey?” said her mom, but Daisy wasn’t listening.

  “I seriously can’t believe how childish you guys are being,” Daisy said, through clenched teeth. “When are you going to start treating me like an actual person, instead of some object of fascination?”

  Irwin and I looked at each other, then at the ground.

  “Do you think it’s fun knowing that you both have a crush on me? It’s not.” Daisy threw up her hands. “It’s, like, kind of a pain in the neck, if you want to know the truth. And it’s no fun having to worry about whether I’m hurting your feelings all the time, just by living my life, and hanging out with friends, and joining activities. It’s like you’re two little puppies who just want to be petted all the time or something. So you know what? I really don’t care if you watch me cheer or not.” She paused for a second, and I thought she was done. But she wasn’t.

  “You guys need to grow up,” she added.

  Then she was done.

  “What did I do?” protested Irwin. “Jimmy was the one who said something, not me!”

  What a pal, right?

  But Daisy didn’t answer him—instead, she just marched into the store. Her mom, who was still standing there, smiled and said, “I’ll go talk to her,” then hurried in after her daughter.

  Baxter took another nibble of his cookie. “Well, I was wondering what could possibly distract me enough that I wouldn’t keep worrying about my brother,” he said. “Now I know.”

  I REMEMBER THE first time I read a Jonah Forrester book. I was about eight or nine years old, and my mother had taken me to the library for the thousandth time, hoping I would finally find something I would be interested in. But as usual, my reaction to everything she put in front of me was the same. “No.” “Don’t think so.” “Definitely not.” “You’re kidding, right?”

  Then we turned a corner in the children’s section and I saw a big poster that said FANGS FOR COMING TO THE LIBRARY! There was a picture of a man in a dark suit and sunglasses, smiling, with just a hint of a fang sticking out under his top lip.

  “Who’s that guy?” I asked my mom.

  “I don’t know, but he’s creeping me out,” she said.

  I kept staring up at him, until a librarian walked over. “That’s Jonah Forrester,” she said. “He’s a vampire, but he uses his powers for the good of mankind. He’s the star of a series of wonderful books by the author Elroy Evans. Would you like to see one?”

  My mom shook her head. “He’s a little young, I’m not sure that’s a good—”

  “Yes, please,” I said.

  FACT: Kids are more likely to want to read something if their parents don’t want them to read it.

  I ended up reading all five Jonah Forrester books in about three months.

  Needless to say, Elroy Evans is my favorite author ever. Which is why, when I was lying on my bed later that night trying to get over the embarrassing events at Isaac’s bakery, I suddenly had a crazy idea.

  I got up, went into the living room, sat down at the computer, and started typing.

  Dear Mr. Evans:

  I think I am probably your biggest fan. I have read all your books over and over again. I love Jonah Forrester and think he is pretty much the best vampire ever created. I really hope to meet you one day and ask you all about your stories. But in the meantime, I have two very important questions to ask you, since you are an expert: How do you know if someone is a vampire? How can you tell if a vampire might not be a vampire anymore?

  Just so you know, this is not about me—I am not a vampire. But I have always thought someone I know is a vampire, and now I’m not sure, so I was just wondering if you could help me solve this mystery. Also, this girl I like thinks believing in vampires is childish, and I would love to prove her wrong.

  I hope you write lots more Jonah Forrester books, because my parents always tell me I should be reading new books instead of reading your books over and over again.

  Your biggest fan (like I said),

  Jimmy Bishop

  “What are you doing?”

  I whipped around to see my big sister, Misty, standing there. She was wearing a bathrobe and had her hair in curlers.

  QUESTION: Do girls know how ridiculous they look when their hair is in curlers?

  ANSWER: Yes, but they don’t care because it’s all worth it in the end.

  PROFILE

  Name: Misty Bishop

  Age: Older than me, which will never not be irritating

  Occupation: Student, sister, celebrator of my misfortune

  Interests: HER PHONE (all caps intentional)

  I quickly tried to X out of the program I was in, but Misty was too quick for me. She slapped my hands away, read my letter, and let out a loud laugh. “Ha! That is ador
able!”

  FACT: Sometimes adorable doesn’t mean “adorable.” Sometimes it means, “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

  I closed the computer—a little too late, but I did it anyway. “It’s none of your business is what it is.”

  “Are you actually going to send that? Are you actually going to ask him if your dog is really a vampire?”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Come on, Jimmy. Everyone knows about your crazy theory. It’s common knowledge.” She snorted. “And PS—no offense, but it is kind of childish.”

  FACT: When people start a sentence with “No offense,” they’re about to say something really offensive.

  I thought for a second. Irwin or Baxter must have mentioned my theory about Abby to Chad, and Chad told his brother Jared, and Jared told his girlfriend—who happens to be my sister, Misty.

  I made a mental note to get mad at Irwin and Baxter and Chad later.

  “So what?” I said to Misty. “I can write to Elroy Evans if I want, and you can’t stop me.”

  Misty started playing with one of her curlers. “Of course I can’t stop you, silly. And personally, I think it’s great that you have a wild imagination.”

  I looked at her in shock. “You do?”

  “Yup.” Then she giggled. “As long as you realize that he’s never, ever, ever, ever, EVER going to write you back. He’s a famous author, and they don’t have time for little kids with crazy theories.”

  “Says you,” I said. “And I’m not a little kid!”

  Misty smacked me on the arm. “Go right ahead, fanboy. If you’re lucky, maybe his agent’s assistant will send you a picture with a fake autograph from one of those machines.” And she bounced out of the room, curlers and all.

  “Forget you,” I said, mostly to myself. Then I opened up the computer and finished my letter.

  PS Please write back so I can show my sister.

  THE NEXT DAY was Saturday, which meant it was time for our weekly CrimeBiters meeting. We met at our headquarters, on the roof-deck of the old abandoned Boathouse just off Nash’s Swamp. No one ever went there except us—it was perfect.

  At exactly thirteen minutes before two o’clock, Abby and I climbed the stairs to the roof. I was positive I’d be the first one there. I had a big announcement planned, and I wanted to mentally prepare.

  Imagine my surprise when I saw Daisy already sitting there, reading a book.

  We hadn’t said or texted a word to each other since she’d walked into Isaac’s store the day before.

  “Oh, hey,” I said.

  She looked up at me but didn’t smile. “Hey.” She looked back down at her book.

  I took Abby’s leash off, and she went over to Daisy and nuzzled her. Daisy nuzzled her back. My heart melted, of course.

  “Where are the other guys?” Daisy asked, without taking her eyes off Abby.

  “I’m not sure. I think Irwin is coming from his cello lesson. Don’t know where Baxter is.”

  “Oh.”

  I sat down in an old lounge chair on the other side from where Daisy was sitting. I thought she might ask me why I was sitting so far away from her, but she didn’t.

  She read, and I sat, for what seemed like two hours, even though it was probably only two minutes.

  “How’s Purrkins?” I asked, after I couldn’t take it anymore. Purrkins was Daisy’s cat. She was really cute, and even though she and Abby didn’t get along at first, they were good friends now.

  FACT: Relationships can be complicated. Between animals AND between humans.

  “She’s great,” Daisy said. “As long as she’s relaxing, looking out the window, or snoozing, she’s a happy camper.”

  “Oh, cool.” Cats are really different from dogs. They are perfectly happy doing nothing and staying indoors all the time. I didn’t quite understand why some people loved them so much. But I wasn’t about to say that out loud.

  “Baxter and I are here!” hollered Irwin, from below.

  They huffed and puffed their way up the stairs, saw me and Daisy sitting on opposite sides of the roof, and stopped in their tracks.

  “What’s going on?” Baxter asked.

  “Nothing!” Daisy chirped cheerily. “We were just talking about how awesome pets are—they don’t judge, they don’t try to change you, they just love you for who you are.”

  Ouch.

  “I agree,” I said. “And they don’t make you feel bad for what you believe in either.”

  “Whatever,” Irwin said. “Do we have any CrimeBiters business to discuss? I can’t stay long—my mom is taking me to Sal’s so we can figure out what kind of pizza we want at the party.”

  “Wow, you’d think you were planning a mission to Mars or something,” I said.

  “Hardly,” Irwin responded. “This is way more important.”

  Everyone laughed, which eased the tension a little bit. It seemed like as good a time as any to make my big announcement, so I stood up. “Well, actually, I have one important item on the agenda, and we might as well get straight to it.” I paused for dramatic effect. “I have decided to step down as president of the CrimeBiters, effective immediately.”

  They all stared at me.

  “It’s true,” I said. “I have been president ever since we started the club, and I think it’s time for someone else to take over. In fact, I know just the person. I nominate Daisy Flowers for president.”

  Daisy looked at me like I had three heads. “Wait, what?”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second,” Irwin said. He started rubbing his hands together, which is something he does when he is nervous. “We need to talk about this. I mean, I think it’s really nice that you want to let someone else be president. I do.”

  “So, what, then?” I asked.

  “Well, it’s just that—” Irwin paused for a second. “I guess, well, I would also like to be considered for president.”

  D’oh, I thought to myself. I hadn’t thought of that.

  Irwin kept rubbing. “I mean, I was the second person to join the club, really, and I’ve been your friend the longest.”

  “I thought we all formed the club at the same time,” I said.

  “I nominate Irwin!” Daisy said. “He would be an awesome president.”

  Irwin smiled like he’d just won the gazillion-dollar lottery.

  I looked at Baxter. “Do you want to be president too?”

  He shook his head about ten times. “Absolutely not.”

  “Okay, then. We have two nominees for president.” I hesitated, not sure what to say or do next.

  Daisy looked up at me. “Why don’t you want to be president anymore? I thought you were doing a good job.”

  I’d been thinking about it since the night before, when I wrote the letter to Elroy Evans. I’d been thinking about how Daisy had said the stuff about just seeing her as an object of fascination and not as an actual person. And how the best way to prove to them that I wasn’t a little kid was to make a very mature, careful decision.

  But I didn’t really want to go into any of that stuff, so instead I said, “I just think it’s time, that’s all.”

  “Okay, then,” said Baxter, who was always the most interested in getting on with things. “Like Jimmy said, we have two nominees. Which means we have to have an election.”

  D’oh, I thought to myself for the second time in two minutes.

  “Good idea,” I said. “All in favor of—”

  “Hold on!” Baxter interrupted. “It needs to be a secret ballot, of course.”

  Triple d’oh.

  “Jimmy, is everything okay?” Daisy asked. “You seem a little slow today.”

  “Yeah, no, I’m fine. Uh, how do we do a secret ballot? There’s only four of us.”

  “You know what?” Irwin blurted. “You know what? Fine. Fine. I think Daisy being president is a good idea. I support Daisy too. All in favor of Daisy, say aye.”

  “Huh?”
Baxter asked. “Why would we say eye?”

  “Aye!” Irwin was losing his patience. “It’s pronounced eye, but it’s spelled A-Y-E! As in, yes!”

  “I never heard that before,” muttered Baxter. “But, uh … aye.”

  I raised my hand. “I aye too.”

  Irwin rolled his eyes (not his ayes). “You don’t say it like that. You just say aye.” Then he raised his hand. “The ayes have it. Congratulations, Daisy, you’re the new president of the CrimeBiters.”

  Baxter, Irwin, and I clapped. Abby looked up at us sleepily, gave one thump of her tail, then went back to sleep.

  “Speech!” proclaimed Baxter. “Speech!”

  Daisy was blushing a little, but she was smiling from ear to ear. “I don’t know what to say, you guys. This is a huge honor, and a big responsibility. I think Jimmy has done an amazing job leading the club so far, and I promise to continue his fine work and make you all proud.” Everyone clapped again, and she walked over to Irwin. “And as my first act as president, I would like to name Irwin Wonk as my vice-president.”

  It was Irwin’s turn to grin widely. Baxter clapped and hooted. “Aye!” he hollered. “Aye! Aye!”

  I froze.

  Daisy squinted at me. “Jimmy?”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. This wasn’t part of the plan. The plan was to make Daisy president so she would realize I was a thoughtful mature person and not be mad at me anymore. It wasn’t to put Daisy and Irwin in charge of everything and leave me out in the cold.

  But there wasn’t a dang thing I could do about it at this point.

  FACT: Sometimes, when you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you do things for the wrong reasons.

  ANOTHER FACT: Once you do those things, it can be very difficult to undo them.

  “Oh, right, aye for sure,” I said. “Congratulations to you both.”

  Daisy gave me a hug right then and there. “Awww, thanks, Jimmy. This is a really sweet thing you did, and I won’t ever forget it.”

  I may have glowed with happiness for a minute there, but I can’t quite remember, because it was overshadowed by what happened next.

  “I want to bring something up,” Daisy said. “It seems … and I don’t want to act all like, oh now I’m president, so I want to change everything … but … I think we should think about changing where we meet.”