Fangs for Everything

by Tommy Greenwald

  “I think it’s weird,” Baxter said, but it didn’t stop him from polishing off his last bite.

  Irwin pointed at the present I was holding. “Wow, that’s big.”

  “I know, right?” I knew he’d be excited by the telescope because he loved stars, and I was dying for him to open it. But he led me out to the screen porch, where all the presents were sitting on a table. I put my box down as Irwin looked lovingly at his loot. “I’m gonna open all these later, after Amazing Andy’s show. Do you want to go outside and jump in the tent, or try the Slip ’N Slide, or have some food, or swim in the pool?” Baxter and I looked at each other, trying to decide. Irwin tapped his foot impatiently. “Or we could go watch Andy set up. He starts in ten minutes.”

  I looked around, trying to find Daisy, even though part of me didn’t want to see her. But there she was, with Mara and another friend named Becky. They were eating pretzels and drinking soda and laughing. Chad was nowhere in sight, which I silently decided was a small victory.

  “Can we check out the animals?” I asked. Irwin nodded excitedly. “Sure!” The three of us headed out to the backyard, which had been turned into a miniature zoo. There were cages all over the place—I saw birds, snakes, turtles, a possum, a fawn, what looked like a small fox, and three baby raccoons. There were also more cages off to the sides, with blankets over them so I couldn’t tell what animals were inside.

  “Holy cannoli,” I said.

  “What does that mean?” Baxter asked.

  I shrugged. “I have no idea.”

  At the far end of the yard, two men were busy setting up a stage with chairs and hoops and toys. They were both wearing bright-orange jackets that said AMAZING ANDY’S AWESOME ANIMALS! on them.

  “Is one of those guys Amazing Andy?” I whispered to Irwin.

  “Yup,” he whispered back. “The tall one with the beard. The other guy is Reptile Ron, his assistant.”

  They saw us and waved. We waved back. “Can’t wait to see the show!” I called.

  Amazing Andy gave us a thumbs-up. “Can’t wait for you to see it!”

  Irwin turned to us. “Should we grab some lunch?” He didn’t have to ask us twice. We hustled over to the food area, where Irwin’s dad was grilling like a madman. “What can I get you boys?” he asked.

  “Cheeseburgers, thanks!” announced Irwin and Baxter.

  “I’d love a hot dog, please,” I said.

  Mr. Wonk threw a dog on the fire. “The burgers are ready now, but the hot dog will take just a minute.” As Mr. Wonk went about his business, I noticed Chad playing Nerf football in the pool.

  PROFILE

  Name: Amazing Andy

  Age: Younger than my parents, older than my sister

  Occupation: Professional birthday party entertainer

  Interests: Animals, of course

  PROFILE

  Name: Reptile Ron

  Age: Old enough to hold a boa constrictor without being scared

  Occupation: Professional birthday party entertainer’s assistant

  Interests: Animals with scales

  I thought about joining him and the other sports guys, but then remembered I was a pretty lousy swimmer and a terrible football player. I saw Daisy still talking to her friends, and I didn’t want to bother them either. Baxter and Irwin were busy chomping on their burgers, and other kids surrounded them, pounding on Irwin’s back and wishing him a happy birthday. They all drifted away, totally forgetting that I was still waiting for my hot dog. Ordinarily I might not have noticed or cared, but after everything that had been going on lately, it was hard not to feel a little bit left out.

  “Here ya go!” said Mr. Wonk, handing me a delicious-looking hot dog. It was dripping with grease and drenched in ketchup, just the way I liked it.

  The only problem was I didn’t have anyone to eat with.

  “WELCOME TO AMAZING Andy’s Awesome Animal Show!”

  Thirty kids roared as Amazing Andy leaped up onto the stage.

  “This is my colleague and associate, Reptile Ron, and together we are going to introduce you to the mysterious, magical world of animals!”

  Everyone went nuts again.

  In the next thirty minutes, the following things happened:

  A raccoon ate a stick of bamboo.

  A snake curled around Irwin’s stomach.

  A fox ran up to the porch, used his teeth to grab a balloon by the string, ran back to Amazing Andy, and wrapped it around his foot.

  A turtle climbed onto another turtle’s back, and then they piggybacked across a table.

  Two gophers played Ping-Pong with tiny rackets.

  Irwin fed lettuce to a very small alligator. (I guess the alligator was in a bad mood though, because Reptile Ron had to leave in the middle of the show to return him to their trailer.)

  An iguana named Leo sat on Baxter’s head and peed.

  And a bunch more stuff happened too.

  I bet it was the greatest half hour of Irwin’s life. If not, it was definitely in his top five. Everyone else loved it too. Mr. and Mrs. Wonk were grinning as if they were the greatest parents in the world—which at that very moment, I guess they were.

  “And now,” proclaimed Amazing Andy, “for our final exhibit of the afternoon, may I present to you Alfie, our beloved parrot, who has a special song prepared.”

  And with that, Reptile Ron whipped off a sheet that was covering a cage to reveal the biggest, most colorful bird I’ve ever seen. And you could tell this was a bird who loved performing in front of an audience. He took one look around, extended his wings as far as they would go and, believe it or not, took a long bow. I swear.

  Then Alfie started to sing.

  “Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuuu.

  Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuuu.

  “Happy birthday dear person whose birthday it is …”

  He paused while Amazing Andy pointed to the crowd. We all yelled “IRWIN!!!!”

  Alfie continued:

  “Happy birthdaaaaaay toooooooooooo youuuuuuuuuuu!”

  The crowd was going nuts before Alfie finished his last note. Then he bowed again, even longer than last time.

  “Thank you!” Andy yelled, while everyone cheered. “Thank you guys all so much! Have a great rest of your party! And happy birthday, Irwin!”

  As all the kids started to chat excitedly about what they just saw, Mrs. Wonk held up her hand. “Hey, everyone, listen up. It’s time for cake and presents!”

  You could hear the “YAY!” all the way to the next town.

  We all charged toward the screen porch. “No running!” Mrs. Wonk hollered, but she might as well have been trying to tell an ocean not to make waves. It was basically a stampede, led by her very own son, who was gleefully rubbing his hands together as he contemplated the joy of thirty presents just for him, followed by all the chocolate peanut-butter cake he could eat.

  And then Irwin stopped short, which made all the kids crash into him from behind. His mouth formed into the shape of a terrified scream, but no sound came out.

  I ran up next to him. “Irwin? Are you okay? What is it?”

  But before I could answer, Mrs. Wonk sprinted right by me, onto the porch. Her mouth also formed into the shape of a scream, but sound did come out. It sounded kind of like, “AAARRRRGHGHTEUWUWUWUFUUVUVSSSSTTTTTTEURGLE!”

  Also, I think there might have been a curse word in there somewhere, but I can’t quite be sure.

  She lifted up a trembling arm and pointed. “The—the presents. They’re gone. They’re all gone.”

  My eyes shifted over to the table, where all the presents had been stacked up earlier like a tower of colorful delight. But now, there was nothing there. Not even a bow or a ribbon. All that was left was a plastic tablecloth, flapping in the breeze, with a small rip at one end.

  “NOOOOOOOOO!” cried Irwin, who had found his voice. “MY PRESENTS!”

  Mrs. Wonk yelled out, “Herbert! Herbert! Someone has stolen the presents!”

  H
erbert, who was Mr. Wonk, had gone back to the grill after the show. “What are you talking about?” he hollered back.

  “SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THE PRESENTS!” screamed Mrs. Wonk.

  “MY PRESENTS!” yelled Irwin, as if there were any confusion.

  FACT: Animals don’t like screaming and yelling.

  While the various Wonks were trying to figure out how to deal with this horrible trauma, and the various kids were trying to figure out if this meant that we wouldn’t be getting cake, there was a SQUAWK! from the stage, where Amazing Andy and Reptile Ron were still packing up the animals. We all turned just in time to see a skunk wiggle out of Andy’s hands, sprint over to the porch area, turn around, and let out a blast of skunk spray in our direction.

  “EWWWWW!” everyone screamed. People started running in every possible direction, trying to figure out if they got any skunk spray on them. All the noise made the little fox bounce up and down in his cage, the possum roll over and play dead, and Alfie the parrot proclaim, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” over and over in a nervous chatter.

  By the time Irwin started crying, we knew we weren’t getting any cake.

  “Party’s over!” announced Mrs. Wonk. “Everybody needs to call their parents!” I ran over to Irwin to try to make him feel better, but Baxter and Daisy had gotten to him first. Other kids were trying to cheer him up too, but we all knew it was a lost cause.

  “Who would do that?” he kept saying, between sobs and gasps of air. “Who would take my presents?”

  “I have no idea,” I told him. “A terrible person, that’s who.”

  Amazing Andy came up to the porch to find out what was going on. “Is everything okay? I heard a big commotion.” He swung his head behind him. “Reptile Ron is trying to calm down the animals. They’re all a bit spooked.”

  “No, Amazing Andy, everything is not okay,” Mrs. Wonk said, with a tremble in her voice. “Somebody has ruined my son’s perfect day by stealing all his birthday presents.”

  Andy’s face turned white. “Oh no,” he said. “Oh no, oh no, oh no. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s a disaster,” Mrs. Wonk said.

  Reptile Ron came running over. “I got everyone settled in,” he said. “Rascal was a little tricky, but I managed to calm her down with some extra treats. What’s going on?”

  “The presents are gone,” Andy said.

  “Oh no,” Reptile Ron said. “Not again.”

  Andy glared at him like he’d just told a secret.

  “What do you mean?” asked Mr. Wonk.

  Andy sighed and took a deep breath. “The same thing happened about a month ago, at another party we worked at,” he said. “It was in Shoreview, a few towns over. We were in the cul-de-sac of a dead-end street, and all the presents had been put in one of the upstairs bedrooms. When we finished the show, everyone headed back to the house, and the presents were gone.”

  “That’s crazy,” Mr. Wonk said. “I think I should call the police.”

  Mrs. Wonk shook her head. “I don’t want a whole thing right now with all these children around,” she said. “We’ll call later.”

  While everyone just stood there trying to figure out what to do next, a chirpy voice behind us said, “Does this mean you’re not going to do my party?”

  We all turned to see Mara standing there, her face bright red with excitement and worry. “Amazing Andy is performing at my party next Sunday,” she explained. “I can’t wait! You’re still coming, right? You promised to bring a boa constrictor!”

  “I did?” said Amazing Andy. “Oh, right, I did.” He tried to smile reassuringly. “Of course I’ll be there,” he said. “The show must go on. Everyone just needs to keep a closer eye on things, of course, so something like this never, ever happens again.”

  “Oh, we will!” Mara chirped. “We’ll be super careful!”

  I looked at Irwin, who was drying the last of his tears. “Did you hear that?” I said. “Amazing Andy is performing at Mara’s party next week.”

  He nodded. “Yup, I heard. I hope the boa constrictor eats Mara’s left arm.”

  Mr. and Mrs. Wonk looked appalled. “Irwin! That’s a terrible thing to say!”

  “Well, this has been a terrible day!” he yelled, and then he ran inside the house and slammed the door.

  And that was the end of that.

  FACT: There aren’t many people angrier than a birthday boy whose party has just been ruined.

  SO IT TURNS out that ice-cream sandwiches and lemonade go really well together.

  I wasn’t about to admit it out loud though.

  It was the Saturday after the Irwin party disaster, and the CrimeBiters had gathered for our first meeting at our new non-clubhouse, otherwise known as Daisy’s TV room.

  “Does everyone have enough to eat?” Daisy’s mom sang out.

  “Yes, thank you, Mrs. Flowers,” we all tried to say through stuffed mouths.

  “Very good.” She left a big bowl of potato chips on the coffee table, just in case we weren’t impressed enough with all the available refreshments.

  “These go great with ice-cream sandwiches,” mumbled Baxter, who proceeded to take a chip, scrape half the vanilla ice cream off the side of his ice-cream sandwich, and pop the whole thing in his mouth.

  We all stared at him, until he managed to utter one more single word: “Yum.”

  “I call this CrimeBiters meeting to order!” announced Irwin. “The honorable Daisy Flowers, president, presiding!” He paused and scratched his head. “Hey, I wonder if president and presiding come from the same original word.”

  “Who cares?” I said. “And what’s with the whole announcement thing? It’s not like Daisy is the queen of England.”

  Irwin looked wounded. “I just thought we should treat the passing of the torch with some ceremony, that’s all.”

  I glanced over at Baxter, but he was still working his potato chip–ice cream combination, so it was clear he was going to be no help. “Can we just get on with it?”

  Daisy stood up. “Thank you, Irwin, for that wonderful introduction, although I do agree with Jimmy that we can be a lot more informal from now on.”

  If you really want to be informal, you can sit down while you talk, like I did, I thought to myself but didn’t say out loud.

  Daisy sat down, which made me wonder for a second if I had said that out loud. But then I decided that she just knew exactly what I was thinking at all times, which was more believable.

  “Does anyone have any official club business they’d like to start with?” she asked.

  Irwin raised his hand. “I’m not saying this just because I was the victim, but I think it’s pretty obvious what our next case should be.”

  The rest of us looked at him, waiting.

  “The birthday-party thief, of course! Somebody’s out there ruining children’s dreams, one birthday party at a time, and we need to stop them!”

  Baxter cleared his throat, which was probably still full of salty, sugary goodness. “Uh, how are we supposed to do that? Get invited to every birthday party in the state and put secret cameras all over the houses?”

  “Are you serious?” I asked.

  “Of course not,” Baxter answered.

  “This is an extremely serious situation,” Daisy said, very presidentially. “And a very tough case. Our first step should be to go to Mara’s party tomorrow with our eyes and ears open, keep an eye on things, and see if something strange is going on. Then, afterward, we can formulate a plan for pursuing the case.”

  “That’s going to take too long!” whined Irwin.

  “You just want your presents back,” I said—which, I have to admit, was a little mean-spirited. I guess I was having a hard time getting used to the not-president thing.

  “Jimmy, please,” Daisy said. “That’s not helpful. Please keep your negative thoughts to yourself.”

  Ouch.

  It was bad enough that they treated me like I was a little kid, but
now Daisy was scolding me like I was a little brat.

  “I think Daisy’s idea is good,” Baxter said. “And she’s the boss, so what she says goes.”

  Double ouch.

  Irwin and I looked at each other, wondering if we should object. But neither one of us was brave enough to challenge Madame President. Meanwhile, Mrs. Flowers came bustling back into the room, carrying another tray of delights.

  “Yummy snacks for all!” she announced. “For my hardworking young crime fighters!”

  “Wow, this is the best club meeting ever!” Baxter said.

  Everyone grabbed a snack—even me, dang it. I bit into it, hoping it would be stale and terrible.

  It was delicious.

  * * *

  THAT NIGHT, I lay in bed, tossing and turning, wondering where it had all gone wrong. Sure, maybe I was obsessed with vampires. Sure, maybe Abby wasn’t a superhero crime-fighting vampire dog (although of course she was). And sure, maybe my friends were right that I needed to grow up. But all I knew was, I wasn’t going to give up without a fight. I needed some way to prove them all wrong.

  Then, in the middle of the night, I woke up with an idea.

  I’ll bring Abby to Mara’s party, and she’ll help me solve the case!

  I smacked the pillow with excitement. It was simple; it was perfect; it was glorious.

  Problem solved!

  * * *

  THE NEXT MORNING, as I buzzed around the house getting ready to go to the party, I put my plan into motion.

  “Guess what?” I said to Mrs. Cragg. “Abby is invited to this party!”

  “Is that right?” She was eyeing me skeptically. “Even with all those animals?”

  “Yup. Look.” I showed her the invitation I’d spent an hour creating before breakfast. (I woke up an hour early to do it.) (Hey, I was desperate.) COME TO MARA’S WILD BIRTHDAY PARTY! the invitation said at the top. PETS WELCOME! Then, to make it more believable, I’d added, ALL PETS MUST LEAVE BEFORE THE PERFORMANCE.

  Mrs. Cragg examined the “invitation” as I watched and waited. “Huh,” she said, finally. “I must say I’m a bit surprised, but there you have it. Well, go leash up Abby and let’s get going.”