Heartsong

by TJ Klune

  “I was out of it for a little while.”

  “Yes. You were. You’ve been overworked. That, coupled with these dreams you seem to be having—”

  “Why?” I asked him. “What was wrong with me? And why didn’t you say anything to me? Seems like I should have been told that I was missing three days.”

  “Because it’s nothing to be concerned with,” Michelle said. “Ezra assures me that you’re well, all things considered. With everything going on, I don’t like having to worry about you too. I need you to be strong, Robbie. For me. For your pack.”

  I didn’t know why I said what I said next. It wasn’t planned. It wasn’t something I considered. But it came out all the same.

  “Ezra told me about the Bennetts.”

  She didn’t react. “Did he?”

  “Yes. He said they were the enemy.”

  She glanced at Ezra. He wiped the rainwater from his face. “He needed a history lesson. So he could understand.”

  “And do you?” Michelle asked me. “Do you understand?”

  You. Are. Wolf.

  You. Are. Pack.

  You. Are. Bennett.

  I said, “Oh yes. I do. More than you know, I think.”

  She didn’t like that. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  It felt like we were dancing, and both of us were trying to lead. It went against everything I knew, every instinct I had. She was my Alpha, and I was pushing her—toward what, exactly, I didn’t know. But still we danced. “All I ask is that I be kept informed. I can’t do my job if you don’t tell me what’s going on. Even if you don’t think it concerns me. What will I do if something happens to you? To both of you?”

  Ezra’s expression softened. “Nothing will happen to us, dear. I promise.”

  “No one can promise that. Things happen every day. It could be something mundane.” Like a car accident, a tiny little voice whispered, and it felt like there should have been more to it, but it was lost in the fog. “Or it could be a boy in a tree, trying to be as quiet as a mouse.”

  I saw the moment it clicked for her. She was feeling something, and it was making her uncomfortable. “It’s not… that won’t happen. Not here. Not to us. And never to you. You’re safe, Robbie. I swear to it as your Alpha. Nothing will happen to you.”

  It already had. And I thought she knew that. Both of them did.

  “Why don’t you head on home?” Ezra suggested. “Get some rest. You’re obviously still a little under the weather.”

  “I’ve had enough rest,” I told him. “I don’t need any more. I think I’ll go for a run, if I’m not needed here anymore.”

  “That sounds fine, Robbie,” Michelle said. “Stretch your legs. I need you at your best. Do what you have to.”

  Oh, I would.

  I nodded at both of them as I stepped off the porch into the rain.

  I stopped only when Ezra said my name.

  I didn’t turn around.

  “How did you get inside?” he asked.

  “The code. I put in the code on the door. Why?”

  “Interesting,” he said. “And there weren’t any… complications?”

  I looked back at him over my shoulder. “No. Should there have been?”

  He smiled. “Of course not. Go run, dear. Feel the grass under your paws. The lake water in your mouth, and

  (sunlight all the sunlight it’s warm it’s home it’s)

  the rain on your face. I wish I could run with you, but we both know you’d leave me far, far behind.”

  “As if I could ever do that.”

  He chuckled. “As if you could ever. I’m glad you know that, dear.” He waved a hand at me. “Off with you.”

  “Alpha,” I said with a nod, before leaving them both standing in front of the house.

  a void/my insanity

  I called the phone number twice more.

  No one answered the first time.

  I waited a day before calling again.

  There was a mechanical message.

  “The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel this is an error, please hang up and try your call again.”

  * * *

  I barely slept.

  I heard Ezra outside my door numerous times.

  Sometimes he would knock and ask if I couldn’t sleep.

  Other times he would do nothing.

  Every morning I’d wake up and check the date on my phone to make sure I wasn’t missing days.

  I wasn’t.

  I waited.

  * * *

  Santos returned on Tuesday, along with three other wolves.

  They didn’t speak to anyone as they went to the Alpha’s house.

  I thought about following them, but I didn’t.

  I watched as they entered the house, closing the door behind them.

  They stayed there for a long time.

  * * *

  “She likes me,” Daniel whispered excitedly on Wednesday morning. “She likes me. We’re going to run together on the full moon, and then we’ll be happy forever. She’s my mate, you know? I think she’s my mate, and I’m going to give her my wolf. Do you think she’ll take it?”

  * * *

  On Wednesday afternoon, Santos was once again guarding the little house.

  I didn’t approach him.

  I didn’t need to.

  I am Dale, the man inside had said. The prisoner. I am Dale. I am Dale.

  * * *

  Wednesday night I had dinner with Ezra.

  He said, “I’m sorry. I never meant to cause you any frustration. I only want what’s best for you. I only want to keep you safe. These dreams… I could see they were pulling at you. They were hurting you. I thought… I thought I could help. I thought I could stop them. But I went too far. I never should have done so without your permission. Would you hear me, dear? Would you believe an old fool and forgive his mistakes?”

  I said, “Yes. Of course. Of course I forgive you.”

  And what was absolutely fucking wild was that I could forgive him. I did. Here, in this house, just the two of us, I thought it was the easiest thing in the world.

  I slept a little better that night.

  * * *

  I looked down at the note hidden away in the box in the back of my closet.

  I HOWL FOR YOU!!!

  FOR WHEN YOU’RE READY.

  * * *

  On Thursday she said, “The Bennetts.”

  I looked up at my Alpha as she stood above me. I was showing her how to work around an accounting program she was having trouble with, and she hadn’t said a word in close to ten minutes, just listening and watching as I rambled.

  Until she said those two words. Apropos of nothing.

  Nothing could be done about the way my heart sped up. She heard it. We both knew she did. “What about them?”

  “Do you know them? Have you ever met one in all those years before you came to me?”

  You. Are. Bennett.

  I shook my head. “No. Look, here. There’s a tutorial that’ll show you better than I could how to—”

  “They want something that doesn’t belong to them.”

  I lifted my hand from the computer mouse so I didn’t break it. “Why?”

  She placed a hand on my shoulder. I didn’t look at her. “They’re stuck in the old ways. And it has twisted them into something unrecognizable. They would do me harm, Robbie, if only they could get to me. To any of us. Do you believe that?”

  I said, “Yes,” and it wasn’t a lie.

  She squeezed my shoulder. “I should have told you this a long time ago.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “Because I needed you to heal. You came to Caswell a shell of a man. I needed to give you time for the bonds to form between us. So that you could trust me, and so that I could trust you.”

  “Do you? Trust me?”

  “Yes.” Her heart didn’t skip a single beat. But I also knew Alphas we
re much more in control than any Beta wolf.

  “You trust me to protect you?”

  “Yes.”

  “To keep you safe?”

  I nodded, still staring straight ahead at the computer screen. “I won’t let them get to you.”

  She sighed. “I know.”

  I didn’t dare look up at the empty space where the leather journal had once been.

  * * *

  It ended on Friday morning.

  The storm that had lingered over Caswell was gone.

  The sky was blue, blue, blue.

  I stood in the refuge, and all those trees rose up around me, and if I thought hard enough, if I believed in what I dreamed, a man stood next to me, a man who said he had something to show me.

  I know he did.

  I know he did.

  But he wasn’t real.

  He wasn’t there.

  I was alone.

  I saw a white wolf in the trees. It had black on its chest and back.

  I saw a black wolf in the distance. It—

  My phone rang.

  A few birds took flight from the canopy above me.

  They looked like ravens.

  The screen said UNKNOWN.

  I thought about ignoring it.

  Going back to the compound.

  Being surrounded by my pack.

  Living the life I had the way it was supposed to be.

  My name was Robbie Fontaine.

  I was the second to the Alpha of all.

  I lived with (and loved) Ezra. He had saved me.

  Given me a place.

  Given me a home.

  Yes, things didn’t make sense. Missing time. These dreams.

  But I could explain them away if I really wanted to. I could just… be.

  Would you hear me, dear?

  Yes. Yes I would.

  The phone stopped ringing.

  I breathed in. I breathed out.

  And then the phone started ringing again.

  I stared down at the screen.

  UNKNOWN.

  But was it? Was it really?

  “Little wolf, little wolf,” I said. “Can’t you see?”

  The skin between my neck and shoulder felt like it was on fire.

  The phone beeped as I connected the call. I brought it to my ear. “Who is this?”

  “Robbie? I need you to listen to me. We don’t have much time. You need to—”

  “Shannon? Alpha Wells?”

  “Yes,” she snapped. “Did you find him? Did you find the prisoner?”

  The day grew brighter around me. I pressed a hand against the tree to ground me in reality. The membrane was thinner still. “Yes.”

  “Did you kill him?”

  “Kill him? What the fuck? No, I didn’t kill him. I don’t know who the hell you are, but you need to—”

  “His name is Robert Livingstone,” Shannon said, and I fell silent. “A witch. And he’s the reason all of this is happening. To us. To you. You need to—”

  The ground rolled beneath my feet. “He’s not—that’s not his name. I don’t know who that is, but he’s not who’s in the house.” Unless he was lying, but with the amount of effort it took and with the way his mind seemed destroyed, I didn’t think that was possible.

  Silence. Then, “What?”

  “The man. He’s a witch. But his name isn’t Robert Livingstone.”

  “He talked to you?” Shannon demanded. “He told you his name? Jesus Christ, Robbie, he could be fucking with your head. They told us he was—goddammit. Who did he say he was?”

  I am.

  I am

  I am—

  “Dale.”

  “No,” she whispered, sounding terrified. “No, no, no. Oh fuck, that’s…. That means…. Robbie. I need you to listen to me, okay? I know you don’t remember me. I know you don’t have any reason to trust me. But I need you to hear me.”

  Would you hear me, dear?

  My claws dug into the bark of the tree. Sap spilled over my fingers.

  “We’ve met before. Days ago. You came to my house. You met my pack. Malik. John. Jimmy. He showed you his monster movies. You slept in my barn. You ate at my table.”

  The colors of the world around me began to bleed together. My stomach clenched and my knees felt week. “I’ve never met you before in my life.”

  “You have,” she snarled. “And they know it. Your Alpha. Your witch. He took it from you, and then they came for us. They sent wolves after us, Robbie. They sent them to find us. I recognized one of them. We were already gone, but I stayed behind to watch. Santos. His name was Santos.”

  “No,” I muttered. “No, that’s not… it’s not—”

  “Lignite.”

  “What?”

  “Get to Lignite, Virginia. In Botetourt County. It’s a ghost town, but there’s a truss bridge there. Meet us at the bridge as soon as you can.”

  “Why the hell should I do anything you’re asking?”

  There was a voice in the background. It was quiet, and I couldn’t make out the words. “But—” Shannon said. “How could he—”

  The voice spoke again.

  “Fine, but if this fucks him up—Robbie. Are you listening?”

  “Yes.”

  “I need you to think. I need you to think hard. Can you do that for me?”

  I closed my eyes. “Yes.”

  “Before the witch came for you, before you were brought to Caswell, where were you? What do you remember?”

  “He found me. Ezra.”

  “I know that. But where?”

  “I don’t…. It’s….” I pulled my hand away from the tree and pressed my fist against my face. The entire world smelled like smoky sap, and I was drowning in it. And where had I been when Ezra came for me? What had I been doing? I remembered him standing in front of me, telling me he needed me, telling me that I was special, that he would take me to a place I could belong, where I would never have to be alone again, and his words were everything I had ever wanted. Everything I ever needed. He told me I would do great things, that I was important, that I was exactly what he was looking for, that I I I I I I—

  I was nothing.

  Because there was nothing.

  It was an empty space.

  A void.

  “Who am I?” I whispered.

  “I will tell you,” she said. “I’ll tell you everything. That whole place, all you know, everything you think you know, it’s a lie. Robbie, I promise you, I will show you the truth. I’ll show you the way home. Don’t you want to know what’s real? I can give that to you. And they’ll be here to—”

  “Who?”

  “I—can’t. Robbie, just get here. Do you hear me? It’s not safe for you anymore. Get to Lignite. Get to the bridge. Do it now before it’s too late. Everything depends on it.”

  “But—”

  The phone beeped in my ear as the call dropped.

  I looked at the tree.

  Sap poured down the trunk.

  It looked like it was bleeding.

  * * *

  I read once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

  Here was my insanity:

  I walked back into the compound.

  Some of the wolves waved at me. Some did not.

  I smiled at those who did. I smiled at those who did not.

  Little cubs ran around me, shouting my name, demanding that I lift them up and spin them around.

  I did.

  God help me, I did.

  Tony screamed in delight, just like all the others.

  What was it like when you were here before?

  Why were you blue when you came back?

  I almost dropped him.

  He looked up at me with wide eyes, nostrils flaring. “Blue,” he whispered. “It’s all blue.”

  Sonari said, “Hey, Robbie.” She smiled as the cubs took a step away from me. They weren’t frightened of me, but they knew something was wrong
.

  “Hi,” I said. “Sorry, I’ve—I’ve got to run.”

  Her smile faded slightly. “Oh. Hey, that’s okay. Maybe we can talk later?”

  “Sure. Yeah.”

  “Are you all right?” She looked concerned. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  I left them standing there. I could feel their eyes on me as I walked away.

  Santos was on guard duty.

  He stood in front of the house.

  He said, “What are you doing here? Alpha Hughes said you’re not allowed back at the house. It’s for your own good.”

  “Where did you go?”

  He glared at me. “Fuck off, Fontaine.”

  I didn’t know how it happened. One moment there was distance between us. The next I had him pressed up against the porch railing, the wood cracking under our combined weight, my claws in his throat. A small drop of blood trickled down his neck.

  “Get the fuck off me!” he cried.

  “What did you do?” I whispered hotly in his ear. “What the fuck did you do?”

  “Jesus Christ, have you lost your damn mind? What the hell is wrong with you?”

  He tried to shove me away.

  I let him.

  His blood was on my hand, deeply dark.

  I wanted to taste it.

  More of it.

  I wanted to tear him apart.

  I whirled around and headed for the woods.

  He shouted after me.

  I ignored him.

  The trees swayed as I walked through the forest.

  Black birds (ravens? Why were there so many ravens?) swirled overhead. My mother told me once that a group of ravens was called an unkindness. “I don’t know why,” she said as we lay in the back of the car, waiting for daylight. “It’s odd, isn’t it? There’s another name for a massing of ravens too, though it’s strange. When they come together, they’re also called—”

  “I know what they’re called,” I said to the trees, to the birds, to the earth beneath my feet.

  The ravens laughed at me. They screamed, Little wolf, little wolf, what do you see? We take to wing above you, flying in a conspiracy.

  An unkindness of ravens.

  A conspiracy of ravens.

  I turned my face toward the sky.