Heartsong

by TJ Klune

  And then…

  I saw me.

  I looked different. My dark hair was shorter, the sides shaved with length left on top. My green eyes were bright, my glasses sitting crooked on my face. I looked loose and happy. I wore a leather jacket that looked a little big on me, with a patch on the front that looked like a raven. I thought it was Gordo’s.

  I wasn’t looking at the camera or at any of the others.

  I only had eyes for one person.

  And oh, was he smiling at me as if I were the only thing in his entire world. Our hands were joined between us, and Kelly Bennett had stars in his eyes. He was taller than me, his head tilted downward as he watched me. I looked as if I were in the middle of telling a story he’d heard a million times. And even though it looked cold, he was wearing a thin shirt. No jacket. Peeking out from the collar was a dimple in the skin.

  The top of a scar.

  Without thinking, I reached up and touched my own neck. Rigid bumps extended down to the top of my shoulder.

  It was a glamour, Jessie whispered in the storm.

  All those times I’d thought I felt something there.

  All those times I’d rubbed my neck, sure something was off.

  I picked up the photo, bringing it close to my face, sure I’d be able to see whatever trick this was. Photoshop. It had to be Photoshop. It was the only thing that made sense. They’d lifted my image and put it in this picture.

  But for the life of me, I couldn’t ever remember a time I’d been so happy.

  The glass above my face was smudged the most, as if whoever sat at this desk had brushed a finger over it more than the others.

  I was startled when the frame splintered in my hands, the glass suddenly filled with a spiderweb of cracks.

  I felt weak.

  Tired.

  The photo slipped from my hands and landed back on the desk. The glass broke, and the back of the frame popped off as it bent. The photo landed facedown, and I could see words written on the back of it, though I couldn’t make them out.

  I pulled the back of the ruined frame off, letting it fall on the desk.

  I could see the words clearly now.

  SUNDAY TRADITION

  FEB 3 2019

  I couldn’t breathe.

  The walls were closing in.

  I had to get out of here.

  I had to leave.

  I stumbled from the office and headed toward the front. I pushed through the other door just as the siren cut off midscream, and I was assaulted by images hung on the walls.

  There I was, standing between Chris and Rico, my arms around their shoulders.

  There I was, bent over the open hood of a car, Rico scowling above me as I held a hammer.

  There I was with Tanner, wearing a work shirt similar to his, ROBBIE stitched into the patch on the chest.

  There I was alone, sitting at the counter that stood right behind me now, my head tilted to the side as I held a phone against my cheek with my shoulder, typing on the computer.

  There I was, my head pressed against Ox’s forehead, his hand wrapped around the back of my neck, fingernails a little dirty.

  There I was standing in front of the shop, surrounded by all of them, the name GORDO’S on a sign above us. All of our arms were crossed, and somehow I just knew we were supposed to be unsmiling, but my lips were quirked, and Tanner and Rico looked like they were struggling not to laugh. Chris was winking at the camera. Gordo was scowling. Ox was intimidating.

  But we were together.

  All of us.

  I fit with them. Somehow, in these photos, in these frozen memories I couldn’t remember, I fit.

  I belonged with them.

  To them.

  This Robbie, whoever he was, had a home.

  There was a corkboard next to the photos on the wall. Above it was a framed certification of some kind. And on the board were notices for a school play, a garage sale from six months ago, a request for a specific part someone was looking for, and—

  And me.

  A flyer with my picture on it.

  Stark black words across the top.

  HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

  ROBBIE FONTAINE

  MISSING SINCE 2/17/19

  “It was a Sunday,” a voice said from behind me.

  I looked over my shoulder. Everything felt like it was in slow motion.

  Kelly stood in the open door at the front of the shop, smiling tightly. He was breathing heavily, as if he’d just run and wasn’t used to the exertion. A sheen of sweat was on his forehead, and he reached up to wipe it away.

  Whatever he saw on my face caused his heartbeat to trip all over itself, and the blue came back, sharp and all-consuming. He wasn’t smiling anymore.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  He let the door close behind him.

  Whatever else he was feeling through all that grief, he wasn’t scared. There was no fear in his movements, though he kept his distance, staying near the door.

  Outside and across the street near the diner, I could see Carter watching us, talking into a phone. I couldn’t focus on what he was saying. Everything felt too loud. It didn’t matter. I no longer had the strength to run.

  Add in the fact that the timber wolf was sitting on its hindquarters next to him right out in the open, and I didn’t know what was real.

  “It was a Sunday,” Kelly said again, voice quiet. “We have this… thing. On Sundays. No matter what’s going on, no matter what we’re doing, we come together as pack. We make a lot of food, but it’s not really about that. It’s about being together. As a family.” He shrugged awkwardly. “We’ve always done it. Goes back a long time. Before me and Carter and Joe.”

  I found my voice, rough though it was. “Tradition.”

  The look of hope on his face was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. “Do you remember—”

  “No. It was on the back of the photo in the office.”

  The hope shattered, but he covered it up quickly. “Yeah. I…. That’s Gordo’s. He used to act like he didn’t give a shit about all of this, but after he and Mark….” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. It was hard on him. I didn’t expect that. I knew the two of you were close, but his anger almost matched my own, and I thought—I don’t know what I thought.”

  I didn’t either. Here was this man, this stranger, who claimed we were connected. That we were mates. And I didn’t know him. “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “You say I was taken. Me. Why?”

  He looked over his shoulder at the window. Across the street, Carter started to take a step toward us, but Kelly shook his head. Carter didn’t look happy, but he stayed where he was. The timber wolf bumped his head against Carter’s chest.

  Kelly turned back to me, squaring his shoulders. “We think it’s because of your connection with Alpha Hughes. You were part of her pack. Before you came to ours. Years ago. We weren’t here when you arrived. My brothers. Gordo. The others, they thought you were going to spy on them.”

  I was shocked. Nothing made sense. “Years?” I asked incredulously. “Are you really trying to tell me I’ve been in this pack for years?”

  “Yes,” he said simply.

  I put my hand against the wall to hold me up. I breathed through my nose. “Ezra wouldn’t—”

  And though he was no longer a wolf, I swore his eyes flashed. “Ezra doesn’t exist. Not like you know him. Not like he led you to believe. His name is Robert Livingstone. I don’t know what you’ve been through or what he’s done to you, but he’s not who you think he is. He’s warped you somehow. Messed with your head. He took all of us away from you.” The last words came out in a thin choke. “He took me away from you. And he took you away from me.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t—it doesn’t—it’s not possible.”

  “It is,” he said sadly. “And I’m sorry, Robbie.” He took a step toward me. “I’m sorry this is happening to you. I don’t know what it’
s like to be in your head right now. All of this, these last few days, I know it sounds crazy. But I have no reason to lie to you. Listen, okay? Listen to my heart.”

  I was helpless to do anything but.

  “You were gone,” he said, taking another step. “On assignment. Helping Omegas. We’ve got this system. It’s complicated, but think of it as a sort of underground railroad. Long story, but you were helping an Omega get to a pack that would take them in. You went alone because it was just up into Washington. A quick trip.”

  He might as well have been talking about someone else. I had no memory of any of it. But his heartbeat never wavered. It was light and quick, like he was nervous, but steady.

  “And something happened there,” he continued. “He changed you, whether it be to act as a mole or a weapon, we don’t know.”

  He was so close.

  I took a step away from him, but my back hit the wall, the photos rattling. I shook my head. “No, that’s not—he wouldn’t do that to me. His name is Ezra. He found me. I was lost and he found me. He gave me a home. He gave me a purpose. He gave me focus—”

  “He lied to you,” Kelly said. He sounded like he was pleading. “You have to see that. He’s not who he said he was. He’s not—”

  I laughed. It sounded crazed. Everything was spinning out of control. “I’m not who you think I am. Look, I don’t know what they’ve told you, I don’t know what you think—”

  “I don’t think,” he snapped at me, and oh, there was anger, fierce and burning. “I know. I know you, Robbie. I see you.”

  “Don’t. Don’t you fucking do this. Get out of my head. Get out of my head!”

  I didn’t mean to do what happened next. It just happened.

  One moment his eyes were wide and he was reaching for me, hand trembling, and the next he was gasping as I lashed at him, claws out. It was a shallow cut, two grooves on his forearm that immediately filled with blood.

  He pulled away quickly, eyes wide and shocked.

  A coppery tang filled the air.

  A loud roar come from across the street, but I didn’t care. I reached for Kelly again.

  And he flinched.

  He was scared of me. The wound wasn’t closing.

  Because he was human. Breakable and soft.

  A red sheen fell over my vision.

  I whirled toward the wall of memories that meant nothing to me.

  There I was. Smiling and happy. Like I belonged.

  And it was all a lie.

  I howled in rage and began to tear the photographs off the wall. The frames and glass broke apart as I threw them on the floor. I barely noticed, only wanting to get rid of this goddamn imposter grinning at me mockingly.

  I gouged the wall with my claws, chunks of plaster landing on my bare feet. Glass cut into my soles, but I ignored it. I felt the squelch of blood with every step I took, the scent mingling in with Kelly’s wound, and it drove me fucking crazy.

  I saved the flyer for last.

  HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

  I tore it down.

  It wasn’t enough.

  I grabbed the corkboard, ripped it off the wall. I hurled it toward the front window, which shattered as the heavy board struck it, spilling glass onto the sidewalk.

  Kelly said, “Don’t, Carter, don’t!”

  Thick arms wrapped around me, pinning me. I struggled, screaming and kicking, but it was no use. Carter held firm. I lifted my legs and pressed my feet against the ruined wall, leaving bloody prints as I kicked off it as hard as I could.

  Carter stumbled back, but he didn’t let go.

  “Stop,” he growled in my ear. “Robbie, Jesus Christ, stop!”

  I laid my head against his shoulder and howled my fury, a frenzied song filled with horror.

  And then it all left me, just as quickly as it came.

  I sagged against Carter.

  I breathed heavily. I thought I was hyperventilating.

  The timber wolf stalked in front of me, eyes bright and violet. Its lips pulled back in a sneer, nose twitching.

  “Let me go,” I gasped. “Please. Just let me go.”

  “Can’t do that,” Carter said, sounding winded. “Who knows what you’d try and do?”

  As much as I hated to admit, he had a point.

  Before I could say anything else, a wolf pack gathered in front of the garage.

  “Well, shit,” Tanner said. “How many times do we gotta fix the goddamn windows here?”

  “Eh,” Chris said, crouching down and squinting at the damage. “Could be worse. At least no one’s guts or bones are hanging out this time.” He frowned. “That seems to happen to us a lot. I wish I’d known that before the whole, ‘hey guys, werewolves are real, do you want to be in a pack?’”

  “Too soon,” Rico muttered. He was glaring at me, and I thought I saw real hatred in his eyes. “I still have nightmares about it.”

  Elizabeth was trying to get a look at the cuts on Kelly’s arm, but he wasn’t having any of it. He pushed her away, trying to come toward me, but stopped when Ox flashed his eyes and stepped into the shop. Beyond him, Joe was out in the streets, talking to a gathering crowd of people. He glanced back at me and then turned toward the people, speaking in hushed tones. Jessie was with him, standing close to the Omega woman from the diner. She was whispering in Jessie’s ear. Jessie looked stricken.

  “You’re fixing all of this,” Gordo said, looking disgusted as he stared at the wall I’d destroyed. “I don’t care if your brain is scrambled. You can patch it and install new windows. And I swear to god, if you give me any shit for it, I will turn you inside out.”

  “He threatens a lot,” Mark said, sounding amused. “You get used to it.” He blanched. “Or you will. Again.” His brow furrowed.

  Gordo snorted. “Real helpful, Mark.”

  Ox stood before me. He looked like a mountain, solid and sure. He said, “Let him go, Carter.”

  “I don’t know if that’s a good idea—”

  “Carter.”

  “Fine. But if he goes for Kelly again, I’ll rip him in half. I don’t give a shit what anyone says. No one touches my brother. Ever.” He squeezed me so hard I thought my ribs would break, and then he let me go.

  I sagged forward, legs unable to support me.

  But Ox.

  Ox caught me.

  He cupped my face, and oh my god, he was Alpha, he was Alpha, and the wounded noise that punched out of me was low and miserable.

  His eyes filled with a swirling mixture of Alpha red and Omega violet.

  There was a whisper in my head, crawling along tangled knots that felt like they were rotting. It said i know i know i know you’re frightened i know you’re confused but listen listen listen.

  I could do nothing else.

  He said, “You’re mine, Robbie. My wolf. My pack. My Beta. My love. My brother. And I won’t let anything happen to you. No one will take you from us ever again.”

  He bent his face toward mine and pressed a soft kiss against my forehead.

  And I said, “Oh,” before all I knew was darkness.

  werewolf jesus/my father

  I wasn’t a prisoner. They tried to make that much clear.

  That didn’t stop them from keeping me locked behind a line of silver in the basement of the house at the end of the lane. Oh, they fed me and made sure I had anything I asked for, but it didn’t matter, as I didn’t ask for much. I barely talked.

  Kelly didn’t come down. At least not for the first couple of days.

  When I was alone, I prowled along the edges of the room, trying to find any weaknesses. Even though I knew I was being watched, I still tried.

  There was nothing.

  Even the free-standing toilet next to a partition was bolted down. I could rip it up, but then I’d have to shit in a corner.

  “You’re not the first person to be held down here.”

  I grunted but didn’t turn around, running my hands along the wall. I was surprised he was the first.
I thought it would be someone else—Elizabeth or the Alphas.

  “Sucks, right? I was down here a few times. Kinda pissed me off, but what can you do?”

  That caught my attention. “Why?”

  “Why what?” Carter asked.

  “Why were you down here?”

  “Oh. Well… it’s a long story.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  Carter snorted. “Funny. I don’t know why I forgot how funny you could be. It’s annoying.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  He sighed. “Listen, you can—would you look at me?”

  I thought about ignoring him. I turned around instead.

  He looked exasperated as he pushed himself off the wall. “There. Was that so hard?”

  “Where’s your shadow?”

  “Fuck if I know.” He shook his head. “I ditched him in the woods. Figured it’d give me a few moments alone with you. He’s not going to be happy when he finds me, but fuck that guy. You know how hard it is to jerk off when a wolf is watching you?”

  I gaped at him.

  He rolled his eyes. “Don’t look so offended. We don’t have boundaries here. The quicker you learn—relearn—that, the better off we’ll be. It’s probably not healthy, but it works for us.” He paused. “Well, most of the time.” He shuddered. “I could have gone through the rest of my life without knowing Joe is a screamer.”

  I laughed. I didn’t mean to. It caught me off guard. He looked just as surprised as I did. He stared at me in wonder with that dopey look I was coming to expect from him. I knew what he was going to say next even before he opened his mouth. “I missed that. You. Laughing. It’s a good sound, man.”

  I looked away.

  He sobered. “Anyway. My dad….” He swallowed thickly. “My dad used to bring us down here when we were little. Told us that it wasn’t a place for us to play. But you know how it is. You tell a kid not to do something and they just have to do it. He yelled at us a few times. Especially when they had this rogue wolf down here who—uh, doesn’t matter. I stood where you are now. A couple of years ago.”

  I lifted my head. “Why?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know how much I’m allowed to tell you.”

  “Then why are you here?”