Heartsong

by TJ Klune

  “We’re trying,” Joe said quietly. “It’s complicated.”

  “Is it?” she asked. “Because as far as I can tell, you’re all together once again. It may not be like it was, but it’s a start.” Then, without looking at him, she said, “Rico, stop scowling.”

  “I’m not,” Rico said, scowl deepening.

  She flicked him in the forehead. “Stop it.”

  He growled at her, sounding more wolflike than any human I’d ever heard.

  “Eat this,” she said to me again, holding out her hand.

  I gave it one last try. “But if it’s about Kelly, maybe he should be the one to eat it.”

  “Oh, that’s right!” she exclaimed. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “Really?” I hadn’t expected that to work.

  “No. Not really. Don’t be ridiculous. Do I need to get the others to hold your mouth open? I’ll massage your throat to make sure you swallow.”

  “Bet he’s never heard that before,” Carter muttered. Then he looked at me. “Have you ever heard that before? I mean, I know Kelly is ace and all, but—”

  “Enough,” Patrice said. He turned to me. “Dis is your mate.”

  I looked down at my feet. “So I’ve heard.” I winced as Kelly sighed. “That came out wrong. Do you really think this could help him?”

  “I don’t know,” Aileen admitted. “But we’re running out of options. What do you think Robert Livingstone is doing right this second? Licking his wounds? Biding his time? He’s not, boyo. He’s planning. What, we don’t know. Hell, we don’t even know where he is. But you were taken from him. Whatever he had in mind for you, whatever he was grooming you for, he’s had to course correct. Out of sight is not out of mind with him. We don’t know what he’ll do, but he won’t stop.”

  I felt sick. “All those wolves in the compound. Will he hurt them? There are children there. Cubs.”

  She hesitated.

  And that was enough.

  I grabbed the mess from her hand and shoved it in my mouth. I bit down, grimacing at the taste. I swallowed, and almost immediately my stomach cramped. Before I could say anything else, Aileen stood in front of me, her palm inches from my face as she muttered under her breath.

  The cramps increased as she pulled her hand away and blew a quick breath in my face.

  “Shit,” I muttered as I bent over, clutching my stomach. “What did you do to me?” The grass at my feet swayed side to side as if in a breeze. But then it started rubbing against my boots, leaving green smears against black leather. I yelped and hopped back, trying to get away from it. I looked up, and all the colors of the forest started to bleed together. “Um. What?”

  Aileen was squinting at me, and I squeaked in horror as her eyes began to move around her head. The left went to her forehead. The right settled just above her lips. “I might have dosed him a little too much.”

  “Ohhh shiiiit,” I breathed as her lips flew away from her mouth and settled in a tree branch overhead. “Your mouth is a bird.”

  “We must hurry,” Patrice said, grabbing me by the arm and jerking me through the trees. “Get to da clearing. Now, Bennett pack. As if your lives depend on it.”

  * * *

  By the time we reached the clearing, I was convinced the ground was lava and that Rico was going to die.

  He wasn’t amused when I threw him over my shoulder.

  “You’ll melt,” I snapped, hopping over the crack in the earth filled with boiling lava. “I know you don’t like me, but I won’t let you die.”

  He pounded his fists on my back. “I swear to god, I will end you. Chris! Give me my gun!”

  “Nah,” Chris said, seemingly unaware that his nose had migrated to his chest above his right nipple. “Think that would be a bad idea.”

  I jumped over another lava hole. The clearing ahead looked safer, so I set him down. “There,” I told him, leaning forward until my cheek grazed his. “You’re safe.”

  He shoved me away. “Pendejo. Don’t touch me, you fucking weirdo.”

  Aileen pressed down on my shoulders. I sank to the ground as the grass danced around me. I grinned goofily at Kelly as he sat across from me, his knees bumping into mine. “I don’t love you,” I told him. “And I know that makes you sad. But I like your face. It’s a good face. You should keep it.”

  His lips twitched. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He touched the back of my hand. “I like your face too.”

  I puffed out my chest. “I worked hard on it.”

  “Cute,” Aileen muttered. “Ox, behind Robbie. Joe, behind Kelly. Everyone else, spread out, but make sure you’re touching a member of your pack. You need the connection.”

  The others formed around us. Carter and the timber wolf sat near Kelly. Carter put his hand on Kelly’s knee, and the timber wolf laid his gigantic head in Carter’s lap. Elizabeth sat on the other side of Kelly, laying her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. Joe knelt behind them, hands in Kelly’s hair.

  I tilted my head back when heavy hands fell on my shoulders. Ox looked down at me, and he was the biggest man in the entire world. His head was surrounded with a halo of stars. He looked like a god.

  I was distracted from this thought when Gordo crouched next to me. His tattoos glowed fiercely, and the raven in the roses jerked its head from side to side. He reached up and delicately wrapped his hand around Mark’s throat. The wings of the raven twin fluttered.

  “Where’d your other hand go?” I asked sadly, looking down at the stump pressed against my knee. “You lost it.”

  Gordo grunted. “Long story, kid.”

  “Do you miss it?”

  He sighed. “We’ll talk about it later.”

  “Okay. Oh, hey, Tanner.”

  Tanner grinned at me as he leaned against me. “Hey, Robbie.”

  “Sorry I almost murdered you.”

  “Um. Thank you?”

  I nodded. “I don’t know you either, but you seem like a nice guy. I wouldn’t hurt you unless you were trying to hurt me. You too, Chris.”

  Chris shook his head from the other side of Tanner. “It was magic, man. We get that.”

  “Rico doesn’t think so. But don’t tell him I said that. He’s standing right there.”

  Rico glared at me as he stood behind Tanner. Jessie rolled her eyes and pulled him to the ground. She held her brother’s hand, and Rico grumbled under his breath as he hooked his chin over Tanner’s shoulder. “At least we’re not all naked this time.”

  That sounded like a good idea, but Ox stopped me before I could take off my clothes. I looked back up again, and I swore he was the center of the entire universe. His face was the moon, and I wanted to howl for him to hear me.

  “Alpha,” I whispered to him.

  He brushed a lock of my hair off my forehead. “Little wolf.”

  Aileen and Patrice circled around us. Patrice’s lips were moving, but no sound came out. He was bathed in a white light that seemed to emanate from within. The rusty freckles on his face swirled on his cheeks.

  “This isn’t going to be easy,” Aileen said. “Not after everything you’ve been through. I can’t promise anything will come of this. You’re fractured. There are cracks. Unless you believe in one another, believe in your pack, it will remain that way.”

  Rico opened his mouth as if to speak but snapped it closed. He shook his head instead.

  I startled when Kelly took my hands in his. He was watching me with those blue, blue eyes. Something stirred deep within me, something primal and brutal. I wanted to tear apart everything that would ever hurt him. It was grass and lake water and sunshine.

  I said, “I’m sorry.”

  He said, “For what?”

  I said, “I don’t know.”

  He said, “That’s okay.”

  Before I could tell him it wasn’t okay, that I wished I could be the man he needed me to be, the man he remembered, that I didn’t think anyone had ever looked at me the way he was now, Aileen said, �
��It begins.”

  And I—

  * * *

  —am alone.

  (not alone here we’re here we’re)

  i look up at the night sky.

  it’s bright.

  so many stars.

  the brightest are red and pulsing.

  others surround them like beacons in the dark.

  i reach up to touch them.

  they don’t burn me.

  it’s the surface of a lake.

  the stars ripple.

  they laugh.

  they howl.

  they sing.

  they say

  (BrotherSonLoveFriend)

  and

  (packpackpack)

  and it hurts.

  it hurts.

  it hurts because i can’t find them.

  i can’t reach them.

  i can’t touch them.

  these stars are

  “Hey,” Kelly says, and I say “Hey” back.

  He’s smiling, and it might be the best smile I’ve ever seen.

  I dreamed of this, I think. Once.

  It’s familiar, like we’ve been here before.

  “What is this?” I ask as we walk through the woods.

  He laughs, taking my hand in his. “It’s nothing. Just… why do you ask so many questions all the time?”

  I bump my shoulder against his. “I need you to come with me. That’s what you said. You have to know how that sounds. All mysterious.”

  “It’s… goddammit. I’m not trying to be mysterious.”

  I don’t believe him, but it doesn’t matter because there is nowhere else I’d rather be.

  He says, “I know,” like he can hear my thoughts. Maybe he can. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Having someone know me like that.

  He

  (here here here)

  stops. Grimaces. His face contorts. He says, “It hurts, Robbie.”

  “No,” I tell him. “It can’t hurt. Not like this. You have to say it isn’t anything bad. That you hope it’s good. That I’ll think it’s good. That’s how it’s supposed to go. That’s how it’s supposed to—”

  His back snaps viciously as his face turns toward the sky. His mouth is open, but no sound comes out. The cords in his neck stick out sharply. His eyes are wide, and he’s gripping my hand so hard, I think the bones will turn to dust.

  But I don’t try to pull away.

  I can’t.

  I won’t.

  Not now.

  Not ever.

  Symbols appear on his throat, dirty things that split his skin and glow with a sick light. His mouth stretches farther than should be humanly possible, and I cry out as the snout of a wolf appears between his teeth, fangs bared.

  Something’s wrong.

  Because the wolf is sick.

  The hair on its snout is patchy, the skin underneath dry and cracked. The tongue is coated with a thick film, and more symbols crawl along it. One fang falls out of its mouth and bounces off Kelly’s chest before hitting the ground.

  The wolf is rotting.

  Before Kelly swallows it back down, I catch the brief glimpse of orange eyes, dull and lifeless and I—

  am alone.

  he’s gone.

  the stars are gone.

  i am alone in the dark.

  except.

  a white wolf approaches.

  there is black on its chest and back.

  its eyes are red.

  i am afraid.

  i am not afraid.

  i am both.

  it circles me.

  it doesn’t speak aloud.

  it whispers in my head.

  it says

  (little wolf, little wolf, what do you hear?)

  i don’t know. i don’t know. I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW I DON’T

  (you think yourself lost, but your pack is near.)

  i scream in the dark.

  the white wolf is gone.

  all that’s left is the void and i—

  * * *

  —opened my eyes.

  I was lying flat on my back, my head in someone’s lap.

  I blinked.

  Kelly stared down at me.

  “What happened?” I croaked.

  He tried to smile, but it crumbled. “Don’t worry about it. Just rest.” He traced a finger over my eyebrows, and I leaned into the touch. I was at peace. I felt safe. And warm.

  It didn’t last long.

  “—and we can’t help you, Alphas,” Aileen said from somewhere off to my left. “Not when you’re so broken. Your bonds—this pack—are stronger than any other I’ve ever encountered. You’ve got your missing piece back. But it’s not the same. There is dissonance. Much of it can be blamed on the magic in Kelly and Robbie. Even in Carter and Mark, though I think Ox has that mostly under control. But there is distrust here. In each other. In yourselves. You cannot hope to stand and fight for us all when you can’t even hold your own pack together.”

  “We only just got him back,” Joe retorted, sounding pissed off.

  “And it took how long for dat ta happen?” Patrice asked, voice soft.

  There was no response.

  “Shards,” Patrice said. “Pieces of a whole. But dere sharp. Dey cut. You slice yourselves even as you know it’s wrong.”

  Joe tried again. “If Rico would just—”

  “It’s not just Rico,” Aileen snapped. “Or Kelly. Or Robbie. You’ve been hurt. I get that. I do. Lord knows I do. But it’s coming from all of you. You are a pack divided. And divided you will fall. Because he will exploit it. Whatever he wants, whatever he’s after, he won’t stop. This is nothing but a setback to him. He’ll come again and again and again until either he wins or you stop him. The fate of all of us rests in your hands, and you are not ready.”

  “Go easy, Aileen,” Patrice said quietly. “Even if dey weren’t as dey are, we don’t know what would have happened. It’s old, dis magic. Unlike anyting I’ve ever seen.”

  She glared at him. “I know. But they’re not helping. They’re spinning their wheels. What exactly is your plan, Alphas? You let yourselves become distracted by the Omegas, you watched as a member of your pack was taken from you, and what have you done? How much longer will this go on before you decide to act?”

  “Aileen,” Patrice warned as Ox and Joe looked contrite.

  She sighed. “I know. I just… I thought the mate bond between Robbie and Kelly would be enough, even if it’s stifled. But it’s like it was for Gordo and Mark, only on a bigger scale. Richard Collins had his wolf stifled, shoved down and locked into a box. This… this is like Kelly has been stripped of his wolf. I’ve never seen anything like it. Done to witches, yes, but never a wolf. Do you even feel him like the others?”

  “No,” Ox said. “Not… it’s not the same. With him or Robbie.”

  I looked up at Kelly.

  He was staring off into nothing.

  “We may need ta figure something else out,” Patrice said. “Just in case.”

  “But the Bennetts are our best chance. Our only chance. If they can’t lead, then who will? What hope do we possibly have? We’re running out of time, Patrice. All those witches that turned against us, that were taken out by the Omegas… our numbers are dwindling. And we’re just letting it happen.” She glanced at Ox and Joe. “Figure it out. Before it’s too late.”

  “It’s okay,” Kelly whispered. “We’ll figure it out.”

  I would have given anything to believe him.

  * * *

  They didn’t stay long after, saying they had other matters to attend to. It felt forced, and even though their hearts never stuttered, I thought they were lying. I could see the worried expressions on both their faces.

  Before they left, Aileen pulled Kelly aside. He wouldn’t look at her when she spoke. I thought about listening in to what she was saying, but I didn’t. It wasn’t right.

  I let them be.

  not this again/you loved me

  Bright an
d early the next morning, Gordo appeared in the basement. He didn’t have to kick the line of silver away because there wasn’t one. Ox had told me I could take my old room the night before, but I’d gone to the basement instead.

  And stared at the ceiling for most of the night.

  I was groggy and exhausted by the time Gordo came down, a stern look on his face, arms full of clothes.

  “Get up,” he said.

  I didn’t know why I thought it would work. Last time I’d gotten the hose. But still, I turned away from him on the cot, pulling the blanket over my head.

  “Last chance, Robbie.”

  “Fuck off, Gordo.”

  “All right,” he said. “If that’s how it’s going to be.”

  I thought he was going to leave.

  I should have known better.

  One moment I was in my blanket cocoon, and the next the cot was tipping over, sending me tumbling to the floor. “Hey!”

  “Shut up. I don’t want to hear it. Get dressed.”

  “No.”

  He bent over me, eyes narrowed. “Tell me no one more time, I dare you.”

  I steeled my nerves, looked up at him, and said, “No.”

  * * *

  Five minutes later I was glaring daggers at his back as I followed him up the stairs. The clothes he’d given me were a little tight, but they smelled like oil and metal and wolves. The shirt had a patch on it, my name stitched neatly into it.

  “The sun isn’t even up,” I grumbled.

  “It’s good to know your powers of observation are still intact.” He paused at the top of the stairs. I almost bumped into his back. He turned around, looking me up and down. He sighed and reached into the pocket of his work pants, which matched the ones he’d given me. He pulled out a pair of glasses and handed them over to me. “Put those on.”

  “I can see without them.”

  “Good. Then I’ll just break them.”

  I yelped as he started to do just that, snatched them out of his hands, and put them on. Something soft crossed his face before he rolled his eyes. “You look stupid with those on. You’re a terrible werewolf.”

  “You just handed them to me.”

  “I know. And I hate myself for it. Come on. You’re not going to be late on your first day back. You’ve already missed enough time as it is, and I will not hesitate to fire your ass.” He was about to turn around, but he stopped. His brow furrowed and he frowned. Then, gruffly, “I know you think that it didn’t work with Kelly because of you. But that’s not it. Or at least that’s not all of it. If he’s anything like me, he would rather have you here as you are than not at all. No matter what happens, no matter how long it takes, don’t ever think you won’t get to where you need to be. And we’ll be right there, every step of the way. Okay?”