Heartsong

by TJ Klune

  “It doesn’t?”

  “No,” he said. “Because even though I’m not a wolf, and even though shit is always flung at us, and even though you don’t remember everything we had, you’re still here.” He smiled, and it trembled. “You said we.”

  I looked down at my hand on his knee. “What do you mean?”

  “I asked you if I was dying. And you said no, and that I wouldn’t until we were very, very old.”

  My face grew warm. “Oh. Um. Well. That’s….”

  “Good. That’s good.”

  “It is?”

  “Yes.”

  You are loved.

  He burned so bright. It was all grass and lake water and sunshine, and I wanted nothing more than to have it for my own.

  I said, “Kelly?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Can I kiss you?”

  He gaped at me.

  I waited nervously, forcing myself not to fidget or take the words back.

  He grimaced. “Oh Christ. You’re serious. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you not hear what I sound like? Something must be wrong with your eyes too, because I’m leaking from almost every opening I have. And I can’t even begin to imagine what I must smell like to you—”

  I kissed him.

  Again.

  For the first time.

  His eyes were open, and my eyes were open, and I was drowning in him, drowning in this, and I didn’t want to be saved. I wanted it to close over my head and pull me down until all there was in this world was him.

  It was chaste, this kiss. I saw a tear trickle from his right eye before I closed my own. I was about to pull away, sure I’d gone too far, when he wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, holding me in place. He sighed against my lips, and I wondered if this was happiness, if this clawing in my chest was how I felt when we’d done this before. Because if it was, then I understood why Gordo had said I must have fought like hell. If someone had tried to take this away from me, the memory of him and the way he felt against me, I would have done everything in my power to fight back.

  Even as I felt consumed by him, a low, fiery hatred burned in the pit of my stomach at the thought that it had been taken from me.

  My pack.

  My home.

  My mate.

  Eventually he pulled away, eyes wide. “Wow,” he whispered.

  “Wow,” I whispered back to him.

  “I’m still pretty gross.”

  “You are.”

  He snorted. “And I feel like crap.”

  “I know.”

  He looked shyly at me. “But….”

  “But?”

  He shrugged before jerking his head toward the other side of the bed.

  It took me a moment before I realized what he was asking.

  And I could barely restrain the urge to howl and shake the bones of the house.

  I toed off my boots, letting them fall to the floor. I turned, carefully climbing over him so I didn’t hurt him. He pulled back the comforter, and I got underneath. He was almost wolf-warm because of his sickness. He moved down on the bed and laid his head on the pillow. I did the same, our faces only inches apart. He pulled the comforter up and over our heads, surrounding us with semidarkness. Our scents mingled, and though his was human and dulled with illness, it was enough.

  His eyes searched mine, and as we watched each other, I forced myself to search the furthest corners of my mind for something, anything that I could remember. There was nothing, of course. The void was absolute.

  And I was so angry because of it.

  He brought his hand between us and poked a finger against my cheek. “Stop that.”

  “Stop what?”

  “You’re thinking too hard. I can see it on your face. Just be here. Right now. With me.”

  And how could I refuse that?

  I said, “I’m here.”

  “You are.”

  “Right now.”

  “Yes.”

  “With you.”

  And god, how he smiled at me. Here, in this little cave we’d created for ourselves, this little section of life we’d carved out, he smiled. It was bright and fierce, and I reached up to brush another tear away from his cheek before it could fall onto the pillow.

  He said, “My father loved me.”

  I said, “He did. Very much.”

  He said, “I don’t know why I never realized it. How deep it went.”

  I said, “How could he not?”

  He said, “We’ll fix this.”

  I said, “If we can’t?”

  He said, “Then we start again. From the beginning. It may take time, and there will be days when we both get frustrated, days when you’ll wonder if I’m not better off with someone else, and I’ll tell you to stop acting like such an idiot. You’ll scowl at me, and I won’t pay it any mind because I’ve had enough with the sheer amount of martyrs that we seem to have in this pack. But those days will be few and far between because every day will be us. You and me. And I won’t stop. I won’t ever stop. Even if I lose you again, if you somehow forget all of this, I’ll do it again. And again. And again.”

  I was shaking. I couldn’t stop. “Why?”

  “Because you filled a hole in me I didn’t even know was there. You make me complete. You make me happy. I see you, Robbie. I see you.”

  He pulled me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. I buried my face in his neck, breathing him in as I shuddered and shook. He whispered quietly to me in that gravel-sick voice, saying, “Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, you’re here. You’re with me. You’re safe. You’re home. You’re home. You’re home.”

  I was breaking, collapsing in on myself. It ripped through me, tearing everything that stood in its way. In the dust and ruins of all that remained, there was only him and me hidden away from the world that moved around us. I was scraped hollow and raw, and I tried to find the words to say what it meant, what I was feeling, how desperate I was to believe every single thing he’d said.

  And when I finally spoke, I spoke from the depths of everything I had left.

  I said, “I’m going to love you again, okay? I promise.”

  He held me tighter, and his breath was warm in my ear. “I know.”

  Eventually we slept.

  blood

  The end of this life hidden behind a barrier of magic began on a Tuesday in the middle of June.

  This is what we saw:

  I sat at the front desk at Gordo’s, frowning at the appointment calendar. Chris had taken a few calls while I was at lunch, and he’d screwed something up. He’d apologized, patting me on the shoulder telling me he just knew I could fix it.

  I scowled after him as he walked back into the garage, whistling as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

  My bad mood didn’t last. Kelly brought me lunch again, and we sat out on the sidewalk in front of the garage, eating and talking about nothing in particular. We hadn’t forgotten everything that was looming around us, but we acted like we had. If I tried hard enough, I could almost convince myself that everything was fine.

  The sun was out.

  The air was warm.

  There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. If I looked hard enough, I could see the faint sliver of the moon suspended above us. We sat close, his shoulder pressed against mine.

  He said, “I don’t want you to sleep in the basement anymore. You don’t need to. You have a room, Robbie. You need to use it.”

  “I know. Ox said the same thing yesterday.”

  “You should probably listen to him. He usually knows what he’s talking about.”

  “Usually?”

  Kelly rolled his eyes. “He’s an Alpha. You know how they are.”

  “I can hear you!” Ox shouted from somewhere inside the garage.

  “Good!” Kelly yelled back. “I wanted you to!”

  And I smiled at him because I could. I felt settled in my skin, and things weren’t perfect, but we could pretend. We could pretend we were
just two guys getting to know each other without worrying about everything that lay ahead.

  It all came tumbling down an hour after Kelly left to head back out on patrol.

  It started with Gordo.

  He was saying, “Tanner, give Mrs. Warren a call. Tell her that we have to order the parts to—”

  Something crashed inside the garage.

  I was up before I even thought about it.

  I burst through the door into the garage. Gordo was on his knees, his tablet lying on the ground, the screen cracked. He held his hand against his right ear, his stump against the other, and his face was twisted painfully. His tattoos were bright and moving, the roses underneath the raven twisting their barbed vines as the bird bowed its head.

  Rico kneeled next to him, hand on his back, asking what was going on, what happened, are you okay, are you okay, Gordo?

  Chris and Tanner’s eyes were orange. I saw the hint of fangs in Tanner’s mouth.

  Ox stood near one of the open bay doors, eyes red and violet, hands clenched into fists as his chest rose and fell rapidly. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth as he got himself back under control.

  “What is it?” I demanded. “What happened?”

  “The wards,” Gordo muttered. “Something hit the wards.” He groaned as he dropped his arms, nodding at Rico, who helped him to his feet. He moved until he stood next to Ox, staring out into the street.

  “North end,” Ox said.

  “Yeah,” Gordo said, stretching his neck side to side until it popped. “It hurts, Ox. Whatever it is, it hurts.”

  “How many?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think we’re under attack.” He grimaced again. “But something’s not right.”

  “Another Omega?”

  Gordo hesitated before shaking his head. “No. It’s more. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

  “Do we need to sound the alarm?” Rico asked. “Warn the town?”

  Ox looked to Gordo, who shook his head. “Not yet. We can let Dominique know just in case. She’ll be able to turn it on if needed. The people know what to do then. I don’t want to cause a panic.”

  “Chris,” Ox said without turning around. “Tanner. Call the others. They’ll have felt it. Have them meet us near the motel. Tell them to hurry. We need to move. Now.”

  “Don’t worry about calling Mark,” Gordo muttered as he rubbed his forehead. “He already knows. He felt it when it hit me. He’ll know where I am.”

  “On it, boss,” Tanner said, already tapping on his phone before holding to his ear. He began to pace, gnawing on his thumbnail.

  “Shit,” Chris said with a sigh, pulling out his own phone. “I hope it’s nothing that wants to kill us. I really hate it when that happens.”

  * * *

  Ox tried to tell me that I should stay behind, just in case.

  It was Rico who shut him up, surprisingly, telling him that we couldn’t leave anyone behind, that if we were going to be pack, we needed to act like one. That meant all of us.

  Ox stared at him for a moment.

  Rico didn’t look away.

  Ox nodded slowly. “You’re right. Thank you, Rico.” He glanced at me. “You up for this?”

  I needed for him to believe in me. I said, “Yes, Alpha. I can do this.”

  He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I know you can, Robbie.” He looked tired as he dropped his hand back down to his side. “Just… stay close. Either to me or Kelly. And if it looks as if this is a trap, I want you to run.”

  I took a step back. “What? I’m not going to run—”

  “They can use you against us,” Ox said, and my stomach twisted painfully. “And I can’t let that happen. Not again.”

  I looked down at the ground. He had a point, but it hurt more than I expected it to. He was the Alpha. He had to think of the safety of his entire pack.

  He put a finger under my chin, tilting my head back so I would look directly at him. He towered over me, and I bared my neck. His eyes flared as he trailed his finger along the line of my jaw and the skin of my throat. “I need to keep you safe,” he said. “I don’t know if we’d survive if we lost you again. I won’t let anyone take you, but if I tell you to run, you run. Do you hear me?” And underneath, hidden in the swirling storm amassing itself inside me, I heard his voice, faint but strong.

  packpackpack

  I nodded, helpless to do anything but.

  Rico came back across the street from the diner. I could see people standing in the windows, staring out at us. Dominique was in the doorway, watching Rico’s back as he jogged back to the garage. “She’ll wait to hear from one of us,” Rico said. “And she’ll keep the others here too.” He shook his head. “They want to come out all guns blazing. Remember when it was this great big secret? Now everyone knows, and everyone wants to shoot something. Fucking humans, man. Now, where are my guns? I want to shoot something.”

  Kelly pulled up outside the garage in his patrol car. The light bar across the top was dark, and there was no siren. It was easier to keep things quiet for as long as possible.

  He opened the door and climbed out, nodding at me before looking to Ox.

  “Robbie, you’re with Kelly,” Ox said. “Rico too. Tanner, with me. Gordo, you follow in your truck with Chris. The others?”

  “On their way,” Chris said, putting his phone back in his pocket. “Jessie wants me to tell you that she’s on summer break and that she’s not pleased you’re making her leave the house. But no worries!” he added quickly as Ox turned to stare at him. “She’s just kidding. I think she wants to hit someone with a crowbar.” He frowned. “We’re really violent. I don’t know why I’m just realizing that now. Huh.” He shrugged. “Eh, what can you do? Let’s go fuck some shit up.”

  “Fucking werewolves,” Ox muttered, but I could hear the pride in his voice.

  * * *

  “Bambi,” Rico said into his phone in the back seat, “I can’t talk long. I’m in the back of Kelly’s cop car and—what? No, I haven’t been arrested. I didn’t do anything! Would you just—oh. Right. Yeah, I guess that was illegal. But that was one time, and no one knows about it except for you and every person in the pack, which, now that I think about it, is a lot of people. I’m with Robbie and—oh man, you know I love it when you get all hard-core. Yes, baby, I’ve got my guns. If there’s shooting, I’ll make sure it counts just for you. Your man is gonna take care of shit—you are not a better shot than me! You just got lucky—you’re right. That was uncalled for. I’m sorry. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. If I was a wolf, you would be my moon.”

  “Does he know we can hear him?” I whispered to Kelly.

  “Yeah,” Kelly said. “He just doesn’t care. He says it’s part of his charm, but that can’t be right.”

  I bounced my leg, shifting in my seat. Ox and Tanner were in front of us, Gordo and Chris behind us. We quickly left the main thoroughfare of Green Creek behind, but not before I saw people in the shops watching us through the windows. Ox said they’d be ready if it came down to it, but that didn’t go very far toward making me feel better. They were all human, and I didn’t know if they could stand up against wolves or witches or whatever fresh hell was heading toward us.

  It didn’t help that I was distracted thinking about what Ox had said. About the hold that was over me, how a few uttered words could strip everything away and make me turn against them. The very idea made me fear for all those around me. I would fight it as hard as I could, but I remembered being in Caswell, all those times Ezra had stood near me, whispering his poison in five simple words.

  Would you hear me, dear?

  I didn’t want that to happen again.

  Kelly settled his hand on my bouncing knee, and I sighed.

  “We’ll be fine,” he said.

  He couldn’t know that, but I thought it was for him just as much as it was for me. It wasn’t a lie when I said, “I know.”


  Kelly squeezed my knee. “We’re together. All of us.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “No, it’s not. But that won’t stop us.”

  “You’re carrying a gun.”

  He pulled his hand away. “Saw that, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  Kelly’s hand tightened on the steering wheel. “Ox and Joe thought it was a good idea. I can’t fall back on being a wolf. I need a way to protect myself.”

  I didn’t like the sound of that. “Know how to use it?”

  He glanced in the rearview mirror. “Rico taught me.”

  “That… doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.”

  “Oh, fuck you, lobito,” Rico said. “I’ll have you know that I’m amazing when it comes to shooting—yes, my love. I know. But being humble has never been in my nature. You can’t tame me, no matter how hard you try. I am a man, and I—Bambi, I swear to god, if you don’t stop laughing, I’m going to hang up on you.”

  “If it comes down to it, stay behind me,” I said to Kelly.

  His eyes narrowed. “I can take care of myself.”

  “I know, but I—”

  “I did the entire time you were gone. So don’t think you can tell me what to do. Not now. Not about this. Not when it comes to pack.”

  “I think they’re about to fight,” Rico whispered into the phone. “I gotta go. Yes, I’ll call you back later. Jesus, woman, would you get off my—and she hung up on me. I deserved it.”

  “It’s not about that,” I snapped, suddenly and unnecessarily angry. It was weirdly vicious, this need to impress upon him that he could break, that he could break so easily, and we wouldn’t be able to save him. If he got hurt, the bite wouldn’t work. Not with what Livingstone had done to him. “I’m just trying to keep you safe.”

  His hands tightened on the steering wheel until his knuckles were bloodless. “I don’t need you to keep me safe, Robbie. Everyone helps everyone else. That’s how a pack works. Just because I’m human doesn’t mean I’m going to stand on the sidelines.”

  “He’s got a point,” Rico said, and I turned in my seat to glare at him. He held up his hands to placate me. It didn’t work. “Take it from one of the dwindling members of Team Human. We can hold our own. And I’ve trained your boy. He knows what he’s doing. Give us some credit, huh? We may be human, but we’re still part of this pack. We’ve made it this far.”