Heartsong

by TJ Klune

  I turned my thoughts to better things. “How’s Brodie?”

  “As well as can be expected,” Aileen said. “He’s hurting, of course. But your little friend Tony refuses to let him sleep anywhere else but in his room.”

  “He’ll be safe with Tony and his parents,” Patrice said. “We’ll make sure of it.”

  “We’re heading back in the morning,” Aileen said. “We just came out here for—”

  “For me.”

  She shrugged. “You weren’t ready before.”

  “Am I now?”

  “Are you?”

  I looked back at this pack of mine. This ridiculous, wonderful pack. At the way they moved in the moonlight, the way they sang together, the way they loved each other with their whole hearts.

  I had known that love once, or so I’d been told.

  I knew it now, yes, but I thought it could be different.

  I thought it could be more.

  I said, “Okay.”

  Aileen nodded, satisfied. “Then we’ll begin.”

  “You’re going to spit on dirt and leaves and make me eat it, aren’t you.”

  Patrice chuckled. “Someting like dat.”

  * * *

  It was exactly like that.

  * * *

  I left them in the clearing.

  I walked through the woods, knowing I wouldn’t be alone for long.

  My path was lit by the moon and stars.

  I trailed my hands along the trunks of trees, the bark rough against my skin.

  I thought of my mother, so fierce and wild, telling me that I was the guardian of the forest.

  I wondered what she would think of me. Of who I’d become. Of what I’d made for myself.

  I heard footsteps behind me, and I fought back a smile.

  I was being hunted.

  I took off running.

  A howl rose up behind me, and the chase was on.

  I ran as fast as I could, branches slapping against my arms and chest, the wind whipping through my hair. I didn’t shift. I didn’t need to. I was alive, alive, alive, and in this place, in this magical territory, the blood of all those who’d come before me sang in my veins.

  I burst through the tree line, the lights of the houses bright.

  I barely made it halfway to the blue house when a great weight landed on my back, knocking me to the ground. I hit the ground with a crash, a growl at the back of my neck, the breath hot. I gasped as a wet nose pressed into my hair. “Asshole.”

  There came the grind of muscle and bone, and I closed my eyes.

  “Got you,” Kelly whispered. “Got you, got you, got you.”

  “You did.”

  He rolled off me, panting at my side. I turned my head, grass poking against my ear. His eyes burned orange as he looked at me, searching for something.

  I nodded.

  He sighed. “You’re sure?”

  I was. Now more than ever. “Yeah. For you. For them. For myself.”

  He grinned, wild and beautiful. His teeth were sharp.

  It was so simple, wasn’t it?

  This.

  Him and me.

  So I said, “I love you. No matter what happens.”

  His expression stuttered and broke. He turned his face toward the sky. His chest hitched, but he got it under control. “Me too.”

  I rose slowly, pushing myself off the ground. I looked down at him spread out on the grass, naked and comfortable.

  I held out my hand.

  He didn’t hesitate.

  I led him toward the house.

  * * *

  He followed me up the stairs to our bedroom. It was just as we’d left it. His duty belt hung off the back of a chair near the desk. The closet door was open, our clothes hanging together, our scents mingling. Two stone wolves sat on the windowsill, pressed together.

  It was here. Us. The evidence of a life lived together. I was scared, but fear only strengthened my resolve.

  He closed the door behind us, shutting us away from the world. He leaned against it and looked at me.

  I let my gaze trail over him, stopping at the mark on his neck.

  My mark.

  A fiery sense of satisfaction rose within me, seeing it there. Knowing what it meant.

  “Like what you see?” he asked.

  “More than you know,” I said honestly. Then, “Are you… okay with this? I know sex isn’t—”

  “Asexual people have sex,” he said quietly.

  “I know. But I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do. I need you to be okay. That’s more important.”

  He pushed himself off the door. “Strange.”

  “What?”

  He chuckled. “You said the same thing to me the first time we had sex. That you were worried that you were making me do something I didn’t want to do. I loved you for it then, and I love you for it now.”

  “Oh,” I said, face growing warm. I scratched the back of my neck. “I guess some things don’t change.”

  “I guess they don’t,” he agreed, taking a step toward me.

  I stepped back. My legs bumped into the edge of the bed. I sat down.

  He stood in front of me, miles and miles of skin on display.

  There was heat here, rumbling within me, low and warm, almost like fire.

  He lifted my shirt up and over my head, then let it fall to the floor.

  He pressed a hand against my chest, pushing me back on the bed.

  He crawled on top of me, hands on either side of my head, knees against my hips.

  He leaned down and kissed me, long and slow. He deepened the kiss slightly, his tongue swiping against my lips, but he didn’t push further.

  I brought my hand to the back of his head, holding him in place.

  He hummed against my mouth. I opened my eyes to see orange up close.

  My fangs itched in my gums.

  “You’ll see it,” I whispered. “Aileen said you’ll see it all when I do. You’ll see everything.”

  He said, “I know,” and he kissed me again and again and again.

  It wasn’t fierce, the way he loved me. It wasn’t the burning fire of passion. It was heavy and soft. It was love unlike anything else I’d felt. My hands tightened in the comforter as he kissed my chest, hands on the button of my jeans. He pulled the zipper down, reaching inside and holding on to me, his hand hot as he caressed me.

  He didn’t take me in his mouth, but he didn’t need to. Instead he brought his hand to his lips and, while he knew I was watching, licked his palm slowly. And then his hand was back on me, slick and hot, moving up and down, squeezing just right.

  And later, much later, when we were both slick with sweat, our pupils blown out, me above him, his legs over my shoulders, his cock half-hard against his stomach, he said my name like a whispered prayer. In my head a rattling metal door shook in its frame as I thrust into him with a snap of my hips. His claws scratched my back, and it was almost here, it was almost time, and I couldn’t stop, I wouldn’t stop, not for anything.

  Right before I came, he whispered, “Use the memory of my fangs in your skin.”

  And then he reared up, face elongating, and I cried out as he bit down, as he loved me, as he loved me, as I—

  * * *

  I

  I

  I

  I am standing in front of a wooden door. My stomach is in knots. I’m nervous, so fucking nervous, but this is important. I calm my heart, even though they have to hear it. Hear me. Alpha Hughes’s voice is still whispering in my head, telling me to keep my eyes open for anything and everything and to tell her all I see, no matter how small, no matter how minute.

  I knock.

  The door opens.

  “Wolf,” this strange and wondrous human says.

  I grin at him. “Ox. I come in peace and bring tidings of great joy. My name is Robbie Fontaine. You may have known my predecessor, Osmond.”

  It’s the wrong thing to say.

>   Wolves snarl just out of sight.

  “Yeah, probably not the best idea to mention that name. That’s my bad. Won’t happen again. Well, I—”

  I

  I

  I

  I want him. I don’t know why. I’m supposed to watch them and report back East, but I’m starting to leave little details out, starting to keep things hidden, and it’s dangerous, it’s wrong, but I can’t bring myself to stop it. He’s here, Ox, and he’s unlike anyone I’ve ever known before. I tell myself it’s just a crush, I tell myself it’s just infatuation, but there is this pulse in my chest, this light, and I think it’s because of him, and I—

  I

  I

  I

  I kiss him.

  He pushes me away.

  He tells me no.

  It’s not a broken heart I feel.

  But it’s close.

  I run, I run as fast as I can, howling under the moon, and I—

  I

  I

  I

  I am standing on the porch of the house, and there are people coming, people I don’t know, and Ox is there, he’s saying be ready, be ready, and Elizabeth’s eyes are more alive than I’ve ever known them to be, and Mark is frowning, and Rico and Chris and Tanner are moving side to side, nervous, unsure of what’s happening, what’s coming for us.

  Men.

  Four of them.

  Heads shaved.

  One’s a witch.

  Three are wolves.

  I don’t know them.

  But my pack does, and I stutter over that thought, I almost break at it, because this is my pack, these are my people, these are the ones who I would do anything for.

  One is an Alpha.

  Two Betas.

  One witch.

  And there’s something about one of the Betas I can’t quite put my finger on, can’t quite grasp. It’s like a little bird, wings fluttering in the back of my mind, but then it flits away, gone before I can stop it. I don’t like this, I don’t like this, I—

  I

  I

  I’m moving faster now. I’m like a comet trailing light and stardust behind me. I can’t stop, and it hurts, oh my god it hurts, but there’s a voice from somewhere deep inside me, and it’s saying here here here look here look here LoveMatePack see me see me very well and I—

  I

  I

  I

  I open my eyes.

  Kelly Bennett says, “What are you doing out here?”

  I squint at him. The sunlight is bright, and I smell grass and what seems like lake water, which is strange, given there’s no lake nearby. “I’m thinking.”

  “About what?” He sounds suspicious, but I tell myself it’s because he doesn’t know me very well yet. Richard Collins is dead, and Joe and Ox are mated, and we’re breathing.

  I shrug. “Things. Nothing too important.”

  “You’re weird.” He says this, but he isn’t leaving. I don’t know why. But it doesn’t bother me. He’s… well. He’s Kelly. He’s a little cold, but sometimes I catch myself watching him when he smiles.

  “I was reading,” I tell him. “And then I just decided that I wanted to think.”

  “What were you reading?”

  I waggle my eyebrows. “A pirate story. He was plundering some booty.”

  He grimaces as I show him the cover, a woman in a frilly dress pressed against the bare chest of a pirate with the terrible name of Captain Peter Longhook. “Ox said you read those books.”

  I snort. “Those books. Wow. That was a lot of disdain in just two words. Congrats, I guess.”

  And then he laughs.

  In the scheme of things, it should be nothing.

  It’s small, and it surprises him as much as it does me.

  Later, when I’m trying to sleep, I’ll replay it over and over again in my head, this moment, these few seconds, as it’s the first time I ever made Kelly Bennett laugh.

  He doesn’t leave.

  He sits next to me.

  He doesn’t talk much, but that’s okay. I talk enough for the both of us. I—

  I

  i

  i am wolf

  i am wolf and kelly

  needs food

  kelly must have food

  deer i will kill him a deer

  biggest deer

  there you are deer

  i will kill you

  deer is faster than me

  stupid deer

  i hate you deer

  something else

  i run back to house

  i find a box

  crackers

  kelly likes crackers in yellow box

  i bring them

  i bring them to him

  he isn’t taking box

  why

  moon is bright and he won’t take crackers

  i put them down

  push them

  he growls at me

  i growl back

  he

  he

  takes box

  shakes head

  box breaks

  crackers in grass

  not deer but okay

  he eats crackers

  better than deer

  i

  i

  I

  “I need to tell you something,” I say, my voice strong. “And I know it might be surprising to hear from me, but I think… I think you’re amazing. I think you’re wonderful. I don’t know if there’s anyone like you in all the world, Kelly. And I know you probably don’t think of me the same way, and that’s okay. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I would never do that. I just… I look at you, sometimes, and my heart is in my throat and I can’t breathe. I guess that means you take my breath away, ha, ha, but… goddammit. This is fucking awful.”

  I shake my head in disgust

  My reflection in the mirror in my bedroom does the same.

  I sigh as I drag my feet toward the door. I’m late for training, and Ox will kick my ass if I take any longer. It’s probably for the best, anyway. Kelly doesn’t see me like that. There’s no scent of arousal when I’m around him. And Kelly…

  …is standing on the other side of the door, arm raised as if to knock, but he’s frozen, his eyes wide.

  Well, fuck.

  “Please tell me you didn’t hear anything just now,” I beg him.

  He drops his hand, blinking slowly. “Um.”

  I put my face in my hands and groan.

  He says, “I take your breath away?”

  I drop my hands. “All right. Have at it.”

  “Have at what?”

  I grind my teeth together. “Laugh it up. Make fun of me. I know I’m being stupid. I know I’m—”

  “You’re serious?” he demands.

  “Ye-es?”

  He takes a step back. It’s like he’s stabbed me right in the chest.

  “I won’t bother you,” I mutter, looking down at my shoes. “Just… forget it.”

  I start to push by him when he says, “No.”

  I stop. “No what?”

  “I’m not going to forget it.”

  “Um, why?”

  He nods. “I’m… okay. With it.”

  I gape at him, unable to form words. Okay with it isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement, but I have to stop from howling for everyone to hear.

  His nostrils flare, and he rolls his eyes. “I’m not going to have sex with you. Stop it.”

  I have no fucking idea what he’s talking about.

  He says, “Look. I… might like you. At least a little bit.”

  I say, “Oh. Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Uh. Me too. A little bit.”

  He says, “I figured.”

  I say, “What gave it away?”

  He says, “The crackers. You brought me crackers.”

  And I say, “I tried to kill you a deer but it was too fast and oh my god, are you for real right now?”

  And it happens again. That little laugh, and I swear to god I never want
to hear anything but that sound ever again.

  He smiles at me.

  I smile back.

  I—

  I

  I

  I

  I don’t see it coming. The first moment. And that’s what makes it so extraordinary; it means so much because it’s so small. One moment I’m telling Kelly a story about how I once got fleas as a wolf, and he’s laughing, laughing, laughing, and then he stops laughing, looking at me with a curious expression. I’m about to ask him what’s wrong, about to tell him I don’t still have fleas, if that’s what he’s worried about, when he leans over, light and quick, and kisses the corner of my mouth.

  He pulls away just as fast, cheeks darkening as he leans back against the tree we’re sitting under.

  “What was that for?” I ask him quietly.

  He says, “Because I wanted to.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Can you maybe do it again some time?”

  He smiles. “Yeah. Maybe.”

  I—

  I

  I

  I

  I ask, “What is this?” as we walk through the woods.

  He laughs, taking my hand in his. “It’s nothing. Just… why do you ask so many questions all the time?”

  I bump his shoulder against mine. “I need you to come with me. That’s what you said. You have to know how that sounds. All mysterious.”

  “It’s… goddammit. I’m not trying to be mysterious.”

  I don’t believe him. But it doesn’t matter. Because there is nowhere else I’d rather be.

  He says, “I know,” like he can hear my thoughts. Maybe he can. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Having someone know me like that. It’s not the same as hearing the wolf thoughts through the bond. That’s a matter of pack. This is a matter of the heart.

  I go with him, because even if he’s being mysterious, I would follow him everywhere.

  He takes me to the tree where he kissed me for the first time.

  (And where I kissed him the second time a few days later.)

  He’s working himself up toward something, and I think I should be nervous, think that something’s wrong, but he’s green, he’s so green like he’s relieved, and I don’t know what it could be.

  And then he says, “I have something for you.” He slides the backpack off his back, putting it between us. He leans back against the tree.

  I look down at the bag. “Like a present?”