The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down: How to Be Calm and Mindful in a Fast-Paced World

by Haemin Sunim

The end of a sushi roll, with the filling sticking out,

  is often tastier than a piece sliced neatly from the middle.

  Someone slick and well-put-together can come across as cold and alienating,

  while an average guy without pretense is more genuine and attractive.

  Do you know why that conversation is so boring?

  Because we are trapped in politeness, unable to speak from the heart.

  Any conversation can become interesting and lively

  as soon as we start speaking with real honesty.

  When someone swears at you,

  stay calm and collected for thirty seconds.

  Then, that is the end of it.

  But if you fight back and demand,

  “What is your problem?”

  you will have to spend more time with that unhappy person.

  People say hurtful things because they themselves have been hurt.

  When you encounter someone prickly and malicious,

  think about what kind of miserable situation he must be in.

  If he is too much, and you don’t have time,

  just whisper, “Bless you,” and move on.

  When you criticize someone, see if you are doing so out of envy.

  Your criticism reveals more about yourself than you realize.

  Even if you are correct, people still may find you unappealing.

  If you wish to communicate effectively with others,

  better to describe what you are feeling rather than go on the offensive.

  For instance, say, “I am very sad to hear that,”

  not, “Why do you always make me sad?”

  You want people to hear you rather than have to defend themselves from you.

  When you are disappointed, don’t wait too long to say so.

  When you bottle up your feelings,

  the river of emotion swells,

  making it difficult to cross over and speak calmly.

  Do you have a lot of enemies?

  Then be humble and stop speaking ill of people.

  Those who do not make enemies are more powerful

  than those who have the strength to fight them all and win.

  The noise from a motorcycle

  assaults the driver more than anyone.

  The driver has only himself to blame

  when he is old and can’t hear anything.

  When you speak ill of others,

  it hurts you more than anyone—

  because your negativity is loudest within you.

  No matter how hurt you are, you don’t need to have the last word.

  The last word can obliterate even the good memories.

  Although things have changed,

  is it necessary to discard all your memories, especially the happy ones?

  When blinded by anger, we make choices we later regret.

  Leaving the room before the bridge is burned is a sign of maturity.

  The best way to get even with someone who has left you

  is to meet someone new and become happy again.

  Plotting for revenge and remaining jealous after many years

  is a formula for endless misery.

  He complains about her behind her back.

  She, without knowing anything, approaches him

  and says the kindest words.

  The best revenge is love.

  Even the most beautiful music gets tiresome if I listen to it constantly.

  But if I listen to it after some time away, it becomes wonderful again.

  The problem is not the music itself. It is my relationship with it.

  Even my best friend gets annoying if I am with her for too long.

  But if I see her after a break, she is wonderful again.

  The trouble is not the person. It is my relationship with her.

  There is a saying in an early Buddhist scripture:

  “Paper wrapped around incense smells of incense,

  and string binding fish smells of fish.”

  Whether we like it or not,

  we naturally become influenced by our surroundings.

  Ask yourself, “Who do I want to emulate?

  Is that person physically or mentally nearby?”

  If we help someone in the hope of getting something in return,

  this is not giving but lending.

  True giving is done without expecting anything in return.

  It also means we relinquish control over what we have given.

  When conversation turns to someone’s flaws,

  try not to participate and gently redirect the conversation.

  When we speak too much, it is easy to speak ill of someone.

  So when you feel talkative, just be mindful.

  When you are asked to do something,

  determine if you can do it.

  If you cannot, then decline as soon as possible,

  the way in a restaurant you would send back the wrong order.

  If you don’t send it back immediately, you will have to pay for it.

  There is a reason people flock to certain individuals.

  They are warm, nurturing, and magnanimous.

  They are generous with their time, money, and compliments.

  If you try to lead people only by stressing rules and principles,

  they will leave you, one by one.

  A good leader knows this, and thus tries to cultivate virtue.

  According to the wise Confucian scholar Jeong Yak-yong (1762–1836):

  “The best way to hide your wealth is to give it away.

  If you are generous with your wealth,

  the money that would have disappeared sooner or later

  becomes an everlasting jewel, deeply engraved in the heart of the recipient.”

  The air I inhale enters my body and becomes part of me.

  The air that I exhale moves into someone else and becomes part of her.

  Just by looking at how the air moves,

  we realize we are all connected to one another,

  not just figuratively but also literally.

  “Whether we like it or not, we are all connected,

  and it is unthinkable to be happy all by oneself.”

  —HIS HOLINESS THE DALAI LAMA*

  The whole universe is contained in an apple wedge in a lunch box.

  Apple tree, sunlight, cloud, rain, earth, air, farmer’s sweat are all in it.

  Delivery truck, gas, market, money, cashier’s smile are all in it.

  Refrigerator, knife, cutting board, mother’s love are all in it.

  Everything in the whole universe depends on one another.

  Now, think about what exists in you.

  The whole universe is in us.

  The Journey of Forgiveness

  The person who betrayed you and left, the person who stole from you and disappeared, the person who stabbed you in the back and acted as if nothing happened—forgive them.

  Not for them, but for your own sake—truly, completely, for yourself. Not because they deserve your forgiveness; not because they are only human.

  Forgive them.

  So you can be free. So you can be happy. So you can go on living your life.

  It won’t be easy, and it will feel unjust. A sudden gush of anger may pass through you. Tears of bitterness may roll down your face. Allow those feelings to surface, and let them be. Treat them kindly, with your compassionate heart.

  After honoring your tears, ask yourself softly: “Do I want to keep carrying this resentment in my heart? Do I want to live as a victim forever?”

  When you feel ready, muster your courage and make up your mind. Although your heart won’t listen to your mind’s decision, resolve to forgive and
to free yourself from emotional bondage.

  And then revisit your feelings of anger and bitterness. Give them your full permission to express themselves. How do those feelings manifest in your body? Do they become tense muscles, a rapid heartbeat, flushed skin? Do they emerge as shallow breathing, as pressure in your chest?

  Let the waves of sensations surface and recede. Attend to the sensations moving through your body.

  When the waves become a bit calmer, look deeply and see what is beneath them. Are there any hidden emotions beneath the anger and bitterness?

  Do you see fear, shame, or grief? Is there loneliness and insecurity? Rather than drowning in them, observe them.

  As your heart becomes more tender and open, turn your attention toward the aggressor. Can you look beneath that person’s mask and feel what is underneath such violence and dishonesty?

  Can you sense his fear, insecurity, and unworthiness? Can you feel loneliness or shame under the surface? Rather than surrendering to him, observe him compassionately.

  Inside of us there is a steep mountain of fear and a deep river of grief. But there is also the compassionate eye witnessing your inner landscape. May you find your inner witness, the source of freedom and healing.

  When we hate someone,

  we think about him a lot.

  Unable to let him go,

  we gradually begin to act like him.

  Don’t let him become a long-term tenant of the heart.

  Evict him right away with a notice of forgiveness.

  Does the person you hate

  deserve to be carried around in your heart?

  Keep in your heart only those who love you.

  If you carry around with you people you hate,

  it causes only angst and depression.

  In your relationships,

  assume you will need to give more than you receive.

  We remember so well what we have done for others

  but easily forget what others have done for us.

  Even if you feel you are owed a little,

  it’s likely you have received close to what you have given.

  Seeing that I am a monk,

  some people put their palms together in greeting,

  and I involuntarily do the same.

  Some nod,

  and I involuntarily do the same.

  Humans are like mirrors:

  We reflect each other.

  When a wise person wants something from others,

  she first does what she desires from them,

  exemplifying rather than asking for it.

  If you want a friend to remember your birthday,

  remember hers first.

  If you want your husband to give you a massage,

  give him a massage first.

  If you want your children to watch less TV,

  turn off your TV first.

  Don’t just wait for what you want to happen. Act first.

  The wise man ducks his head

  when someone swings at him.

  If he swings back just because he was swung at,

  he will be seen as the aggressor and fail to win people’s hearts.

  Although it may seem unjust,

  refraining from reacting out of anger shows true character.

  People turn sullen over a trivial emotional matter,

  and then attack the person later

  with an unrelated but logical-sounding pretext.

  When you lower yourself, the world elevates you.

  When you elevate yourself, the world lowers you.

  When you arrive at the peak of enlightenment,

  you will understand:

  Your peak is the same height as your neighbor’s.

  At the peak, you see everyone’s holiness.

  When you keep clashing with someone,

  it may be the world’s way of asking you to look closely at yourself.

  When you don’t like someone, try to figure out what it is you don’t like;

  see whether you have a similar flaw within yourself.

  The flaw that you immediately notice in someone you meet

  is probably a flaw of yours, too.

  If you didn’t have it,

  you wouldn’t have noticed it so quickly.

  No one is inherently good or bad.

  Only the circumstance in which we encounter each other is good or bad.

  A criminal who happens to stop a car from running over me

  is an angel sent by God.

  A Nobel Peace Prize winner who happens to bump into me on the subway

  is a jerk.

  In a gathering of seven or eight people,

  we will surely meet one or two who like us a lot

  and one or two who are not that fond of us.

  Don’t take it personally; this is just the way of the world.

  Let people have their own opinions—

  they are entitled to them.

  It is when you want to change their opinion problems arise.

  This is not only impossible and futile but also unnecessary.

  How boring would the world be if everyone thought exactly the same way?

  When you grant people freedom, you will find yours, too.

  What is the use of someone carrying a designer handbag

  when her behavior lacks the same refinement?

  The more you try to change your spouse, children, or friends,

  the more difficult and strained your relationships become.

  People do not change easily,

  unless they suffer tremendous hardship or have a life-altering experience.

  I was once told by a Buddhist master that

  there are two kinds of children in the world:

  those born to repay the kindness of their parents,

  and those born only to take what their parents have.

  Ask yourself:

  Which kind of a son or daughter are you to your parents?

  When you think your spouse won’t change

  and you worry how you will live the rest of your life together,

  ask yourself:

  Am I perfect in my spouse’s eyes?

  When faced with a problem in a relationship,

  it will never be solved

  if you begin by asking, “Why can’t he understand me?”

  or “Why won’t he just do what I say?”

  It is because this approach begins with a demand.

  Instead, begin by asking,

  “What is it that makes him unhappy and feel misunderstood?”

  or “What past experience is making him respond in this way?”

  When you begin with the intention of understanding him,

  your heart is released from the prison of your views

  and opens up to feel his pain.

  People who easily ignore others do so

  because they are afraid of being ignored.

  Why can’t you trust that friend?

  Because you know all too well

  that you, too, are capable of lying

  in a similar circumstance.

  What makes us truly happy

  is meeting someone who accepts us for who we are.

  Even if we are successful,

  we can still feel inadequate and insecure

  if we are made to believe that something is wrong with us.

  According to some psychologists,

  happiness can be assessed with two simple questions.

  First, do you find meaning in your work?

  Second, do you have good relationships with those around you?

  Are you lonely because you are alone?

  According to the Talmud,

  every blade of g
rass has an angel who protects it.

  The angels whisper to each blade,

  “Grow! Grow!”

  If even a blade of grass has an angel,

  wouldn’t each of us as well?

  If you feel lonely,

  think of the angel on your shoulder

  and be grateful that you are cared for.

  A mosquito has been in my room for the last two days,

  and it still hasn’t bitten me.

  Okay, let us live together.

  We must share some karmic affinity.

  We live among countless relations:

  family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc.

  Life is good when these relationships are good.

  Being happy by yourself doesn’t last long.

  For spiritual practitioners,

  relationships are the final test.

  Even if you have awakened to your enlightened nature,

  there is still further to go in your spiritual journey

  if you’re not living harmoniously with others.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Love

  First Love

  Between us, Mary, there stands an unknown god.

  —KAHLIL GIBRAN*

  I WAS IN tenth grade when I first came across Kahlil Gibran’s books. I dove into his words without knowing who he was or where he was from. I had not yet tasted the sweetness of love or the bitterness of life, but his love poems and spiritual prose enthralled me. It was probably his poems that first put me in touch with something ineffably beautiful and sacred within myself. As I read The Prophet and Jesus the Son of Man, I felt a deep sense of reverence for, and intimacy with, Jesus. This was a new experience for me, as I had previously been exposed only to dry, moralistic Christian teachings of good and evil.

  Even more fascinating were the love letters between Gibran and Mary Haskell, his close friend and spiritual partner. The letters upended my inexperienced teenage heart longing for true love. I ended the many long nights of my high school years reading Gibran’s poetry. I still remember how Gibran described his love in this following simple, yet elegant, sentence: