The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure

by Storm Constantine

  Chelone came to join her, having ordered a meal at the bar. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked.

  ‘I want to go back in time,’ she said, ‘to the moment before we shared breath. I’m sorry. I’m no good at this. I want to be, but I’m not.’

  ‘Because of the things that happened to you?’

  She nodded. ‘Yes.’

  He reached out and hauled one of her hands from her lap, where her fingers were clenched together. ‘I’m not offended. If you have secrets, that’s your business. I enjoyed being with you today. I like you a lot, Mima.’

  ‘You might need more than a lot of like, if you knew everything about me.’

  He laughed. ‘I’m willing to take that risk. You don’t turn psychotic during aruna and kill, do you?’

  ‘Not that I’m aware of.’

  ‘Well, I should be OK then.’

  Mima drank in one long gulp the glass of wine he’d put before her. He was watching her again and she wanted to tell him to stop it.

  ‘It’s been a while, hasn’t it?’ he said at last. ‘You know what I think – you were looking for somehar, and you chose me. Just how long has it been, Mima?’

  She stared at him directly, took a deep breath. ‘Since forever. My inception went wrong, because the hara who incepted me left me behind, before it was completed. My friends found me and healed me, but I’ve never taken aruna, Chelone. That is the problem.’

  He’d gone white. ‘I see. Then… how…?’

  ‘There are ways,’ she said. ‘Use your imagination.’

  ‘Why me? Why now?’

  ‘Because I don’t know you,’ she said. ‘Because you’re not so damned concerned about me. Because, with you, I have no past. And also, because I like you a lot too. Will that do?’

  He looked uncertain.

  ‘Was I supposed to ask first, or something?’ she said. ‘If so, I’m sorry. This isn’t the big responsibility you think it is. Really.’

  ‘You don’t have to ask. You just took me by surprise, that’s all. I wasn’t expecting it.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘I will be honoured.’

  Mima took a deep breath, wondered why she was having difficulty focusing on his face. ‘I have only one requirement.’

  ‘Which is?’

  ‘We both get drunk first.’

  When he took her to his apartment in the barracks complex, Mima was aware her life might be in danger. She had shared breath successfully, but there was no proof that his essence couldn’t kill her. Why am I willing to take this risk? she thought. Because it had to be done. She couldn’t go on unless she knew. If she was a freak and an accident, then maybe she’d be better off dead, but if she was something else, and proved it, then she could live fully and happily.

  She made him turn out the lights, because she didn’t want him inspecting her too closely. He held her naked on his bed and his strongly beating heart made her body vibrate. His breath smelled of alcohol and his hands were hot. She wilted beneath the heat of him. He put his fingers inside her and ignited five fires, one by one. ‘The soume aspect is strong in you,’ he said.

  She didn’t answer, trying so hard not to break her teeth, because her jaw was clenched tight. Reality was breaking down all around her. She was the earth and a great mountain was thrusting up from the soil. It made a sound like the heavens cracking. There was no pain, only a sense of something immense occurring, like the birth of a world or a universe. She was not in her own body any more. The mountain would erupt and hot lava would cascade down its sides, perhaps bringing death. The earth might be scorched, or might bear it. The earth might be stronger than the mountain. The fires inside her became volcanoes. She was erupting too and the whole world was flame. For a moment, she opened her eyes, expecting reality, but it had gone. This was no vision. It was real. She was looking upon an alien place so bizarre she could not identify the objects around her. The air was like glass and it had begun to splinter. She felt a rush of heat within her and thought that if these were to be her final moments, she must live them in the steam of his breath. She pulled his mouth towards her, sucked in his scream of repletion and the universe shattered around them with a mighty crash. A wind that smelled of nothing Mima had ever smelled before seared over them. She felt it move her hair.

  Chelone collapsed onto her heavily, his breathing laboured. She was alive. Was she starting to burn up? No. If anything, she felt cool now. The room had reappeared, all the normal things like chairs and lamps, and clothes strewn on the floor.

  Chelone raised his head. ‘I don’t know what happened to you in the past,’ he said, ‘but you just took me to a very weird place. I thought we were dying. I thought we’d just shatter and disappear.’

  ‘We nearly did,’ Mima said. ‘Isn’t that normal?’

  ‘No. No.’ He rolled off her. ‘It felt to me like we left this world. What are you, Mima?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she replied. ‘Nohar does.’

  Mima knew she should return to the boat now, because Flick and the others would be beside themselves with terror for her, but before she did, there was one other task to accomplish. She could tell Chelone was nervous of having her touch him, because he didn’t want to go back to that strange place. She had proved to herself she could take aruna as soume and not be killed, but the biggest test was to see whether she was capable of being ouana. That would be the strangest thing, but the absolute proof she was har. Her ouana-lim was not as developed as Chelone’s was, but she already knew it was functional, having experimented herself with it many times. He hadn’t noticed its deficiency, because the ouana-lim always shrank and retracted when a har was soume.

  They had lain in silence for some minutes, but now she leaned over him and breathed over his face. He stared at her rather wildly and when she reached down to touch him, he stayed her hand. ‘Please,’ she said. ‘Let me.’

  He closed his eyes, let go of her. He felt beautiful, slippery and silky, and it stirred her. She could smell him and it reminded her of lilacs. He made a small sound when she entered him and his soume-lam contracted to seize her. Reality did not splinter this time, not so drastically. She kept her eyes open and watched the room, while waves of sensation coursed through her body like a pulse. She saw the air begin to fold around itself and light from somewhere else seep through. She could tell that their union created this and that it so easily could engulf them. It was dangerous, uncontrollable. Light had become hard, made up of geometric shapes. She should stop. She knew she should, but she couldn’t. Fortunately, release was quick. She realised she could make it happen that way, although hara probably wouldn’t normally do that, opting instead for a slow languorous climax. Chelone didn’t complain. When he opened his eyes, he looked terrified.

  ‘Thank you,’ Mima said. ‘I had to know. You do understand that, don’t you?’

  She saw his throat convulse. He couldn’t speak.

  She got up and went to the window. It was very late. No doubt Flick and Ulaume would be searching for her. She felt wonderful, as if her body was made of white light. Slowly, she pulled on her clothes. When she was ready, she stood at the foot of the bed.

  ‘Will you help me?’ she asked.

  Chelone raised his head. ‘I think you have to be careful,’ he said. ‘Something’s not right. I can’t help you with that. I wish I could, but I can’t. You need an adept, a Nahir Nuri, or something.’

  ‘No, I mean with meeting Lord Swift.’

  His head flopped back. ‘Oh, that. Yes… maybe. I’ll ask Leef.’

  ‘We are still friends, aren’t we?’ she said.

  He propped himself up on his elbows. ‘OK, I have to ask. I’ve been lying here thinking… Are you the Tigron in disguise?’

  Mima laughed. ‘No! Really I’m not. But thanks. I’m flattered.’

  ‘We’re still friends,’ he said, lying back down again, his hands over his eyes. ‘Go! I don’t want your companions beating down my door.’

  Mima ran down the stairs outside his door and through
the apartment complex. She thought she could very easily fly now, if she put her mind to it. She ran through the town, waving a greeting to any har she came across, and there were not many, because it was so late. When she arrived back at ‘Esmeraldarine’, she was greeted by a tearful Lileem, who told her the others were still out searching for her.

  ‘Where have you been?’ Lileem cried. ‘Were you with that har? Flick and Lormy think so. They went to the barracks after work, and somehar told them you’d gone off with him. How could you? What happened?’

  ‘Hush!’ Mima said. ‘I can’t tell you when you’re gabbling.’

  Lileem sat down on the couch, pulling Mima with her. She stared at Mima’s face for a moment, then her jaw dropped open. ‘By Aru, you didn’t! Tell me you didn’t!’

  ‘I did,’ Mima said. ‘I took aruna with another har. In fact, I’m absolutely rooned out.’

  Lileem squeaked and pressed her hands against her mouth for a moment. ‘But couldn’t he tell about you?’

  ‘No, not a hint of a suspicion. This is it, Lee. We don’t have to hide any more. We have our secrets, and our differences, but we are har. I’m sure of it.’

  Chapter Twenty Three

  In Galhea, the old seasonal festivals are strictly observed, a tradition that began long before Terzian had taken over leadership of the local Varr factions. And despite their reputation as warriors and conquerors, the average Varr had always been a farmer: well-tended farms surrounded Galhea. It might be that the Varrs in that area had been drawn mainly from the sons of the humans who’d once owned the land, but in any case, the Galheans knew how to get the best from the soil.

  Four of the major festivals celebrated the harvest, beginning with Cuttingmas, the summer solstice, when the first sheaves were cut, to the great festival of Shadetide, the Rite of Death at the end of Fall, when the last of the fruit was gathered, already bitten by the first frost.

  The hara with whom Ulaume and Flick worked were already talking about Shadetide, the next festival, which would take place in two weeks time. There would be huge fires throughout the countryside, on every hill and in the gardens of the bigger houses. Ulaume became almost sick of the invitations to join a party that were offered every day. There was only one house he wanted to be invited to, and he wasn’t yet sure how to wangle it. From where he worked, in a har named Gortana’s fields, he could see the hill where ‘We Dwell in Forever’ crouched amid a court of ancient cedars. Sometimes, he could see figures moving in the gardens, carts and horses going up the wide drive. Cal had been there and perhaps even Pellaz too. Flick and Ulaume habitually remained taciturn with strangers, in order not to attract interest, and this was a habit that was now hard to shake off. Ulaume, however, once asked a har he worked with how he could get to meet Lord Swift. The har merely laughed at him. Swift was too busy and too important to bother with every traveller who came to Galhea. Ulaume was tempted to mention that he knew the Tigron, but guessed this would be met with equal amusement, if not utter disbelief. So, in the dawn of the day when he and Swift returned to ‘Esmeraldarine’, having been searching for Mima all night, he was not as angry with her as Flick was. She had made a contact, and all she wanted to tell them was that her new friend would try to organise a meeting with Swift.

  ‘What have you been doing all night?’ Flick demanded.

  ‘Talking,’ she replied.

  She wasn’t telling the truth, of course, and both of them knew it, but Mima had already proved herself to be quite a private person. Clearly, whatever had happened to her had not been upsetting or dangerous. She was glowing. When she felt ready, she might reveal what she’d done, but no amount of interrogation would prise the information from her. Flick knew this too, so he didn’t push it.

  He and Ulaume went to their cabin to sleep for a couple of hours before going to work. Flick sat on the narrow bed and whispered, ‘What do you think?’ The walls were thin on the boat and they could still hear Mima murmuring to Lileem in the main salon.

  ‘We both know,’ Ulaume answered. ‘It’s pouring out of her like smoke.’

  ‘She must be different to Lileem, then.’

  Ulaume shrugged and pulled off his shirt. ‘Perhaps. I think that if you weren’t looking for abnormalities, you might not notice them.’

  Flick got into bed. ‘I wonder. Maybe she told him the truth.’

  ‘Mima?’ Ulaume grinned. ‘I doubt that very much.’

  ‘She’s very like Pell,’ Flick said. ‘Headstrong and wilful.’

  ‘It’s her life,’ Ulaume said. ‘I understand why she did what she did. It must be eating her up. She wants to be har, Flick, that’s all. I just hope this Chelone can organise a meeting for us.’

  ‘He might only be able to get Mima in.’

  ‘And you, of course, don’t want to go. Why?’

  Flick frowned. ‘I don’t know. I feel strange about it. Part of me wants to know everything, to have the answers we’ve sought, but another part doesn’t want to set a toe over the threshold of that house.’

  Chelone did not make contact for over a week, and Ulaume could see Mima getting restless about it. He knew she was considering going back to the barracks, but pride prevented her doing so. Whatever had happened between her and the Parsic, he clearly wasn’t eaten up with desire to see her again. He finally turned up early one evening, a week before the festival. Mima was up on deck with the others for a tidying session when Chelone rode his magnificent horse to the river bank and dismounted. Ulaume noticed that Mima flushed vigorously when she saw the Parsic. He was without doubt a fine specimen.

  Chelone came aboard and uttered a formal greeting to all present, then said to Mima, ‘Do you still want to go to Forever?’

  She nodded. ‘Yes.’

  ‘So do I,’ Ulaume said quickly.

  Chelone cast him a glance. ‘I can get two of you in, on the festival night. I have an invitation, and so does my friend, Leef. Two of you can come as our escorts.’

  ‘You go, Lor,’ Flick said. ‘I’ll take Lileem to the party in the town.’

  ‘Fine,’ said Chelone. ‘Come to the barracks just before seven. Dress up – if you can.’

  ‘We’ll be there,’ Ulaume said.

  Chelone nodded shortly and made to leave the boat. Mima took hold of his arm and said, ‘Thank you. I appreciate it.’

  He looked at her hand. ‘I said I would.’

  She let go of him quickly.

  Everyhar finished work early on the festival day, so Ulaume and Mima had plenty of time to get ready. Ulaume realised he had quite a task ahead of him, because he hadn’t taken much care of himself recently. Flick applied himself to the same restoration work, because Lileem wanted him to do so, and now he resembled more the idealistic and somewhat wide-eyed har whom Ulaume had first met. His heart turned over as he looked at Flick. He felt sad for him, which was odd.

  Mima was silent and moody, and Ulaume could feel tension building up, which he could tell was about to explode. At half past six, the explosion happened.

  Mima was brushing out her hair, when she uttered a cry and threw the hair brush across the cabin. ‘I’m not going!’ she announced.

  ‘What?’ Ulaume turned her to face him. ‘Why not? You have to.’

  ‘I can’t,’ she hissed. ‘The way he looked at me. I just can’t.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Ulaume said. ‘That means I can’t go either, and it’s what I’ve been waiting for, as you full know.’

  ‘Oh, you can still go,’ Mima said caustically. ‘He won’t mind if I don’t turn up. You saw the way he was. Take Flick instead.’

  ‘I don’t want to go,’ Flick said hurriedly.

  Lileem suddenly looked hopeful, but Flick said to her, ‘And you certainly won’t be going!’

  ‘I can’t go alone, it’ll look odd,’ Ulaume said. ‘Mima, stop being stupid. This is what we’re here for: answers about Pell. Who cares what the Parsic thinks of you?’

  ‘I care,’ Mima said. ‘I don’t want to see him again.
It was a mistake.’

  She must have noticed that neither Flick nor Ulaume asked the obvious question of ‘What was?’, but she didn’t comment upon it.

  ‘Flick, you have to come with me,’ Ulaume said. ‘Please.’

  ‘Yes, please do go with him,’ said Mima. ‘I just can’t face it.’

  Flick hesitated a moment, then said, ‘Oh, all right. If I must. But I don’t feel good about this. I’ve a feeling there will be unexpected consequences, and they won’t be to our liking.’

  ‘Well, I don’t feel that at all,’ Ulaume said, ‘and it was once my job to feel things like that. It’s you. You’re paranoid. Are you scared you’ll run into Cal there or something?’

  ‘No,’ Flick said, visibly bristling. ‘It’s not that.’

  He looked so drawn, Ulaume could tell Flick had a real fear, but his own desire to get information, to possibly find an avenue to Pellaz, shouldered aside any empathy for Flick.

  On Shadetide night, it is traditionally the time when the veil between the worlds is thin, and things can slip through from the other places. Ghosts ride the winds on ragged clouds and fly from the face of the moon. The trees talk loudly and if a har is lost in the thick woods around Galhea, sometimes he might find himself understanding their words. On this night, the past can come back.

  Ulaume and Flick walked to the barracks, and Ulaume’s heart was beating fast in anticipation, even though Flick was dragging his feet. Ulaume put a hand through Flick’s right elbow, in an apparent gesture of affection, but really to speed him up a little. ‘Mima is a temperamental creature,’ Ulaume said. ‘I can’t understand why she backed off like this.’

  ‘She liked him,’ Flick said.

  ‘So? That’s all the more reason to see him again. She must’ve freaked him in some way. She could make amends somehow, I’m sure.’