by Tom Marcoux
So now I’m able to have clarity and focus. I’m being genuine and intentional when meeting people. I can focus on the conversation. I can focus one hundred percent on the other person.
And, I’m able to notice certain patterns and help my clients to avoid certain tough outcomes. A friend of mine, a psychologist, speaks of “the patterns that we do determine our behaviors.”
You become aware of the pattern of not really knowing your own voice. It’s evidenced in not being able to establish boundaries. You’re not able to say no to certain things. This comes up because you want to please other people. You really don’t have a clear sense of who you are. So, you’re thinking that the easiest thing is to just please other people. If somebody calls you, you’re jumping.
You’re measuring things by outside appearances. Some people look at what a successful person does, and it looks effortless. It’s important not to just go by the outside appearance and think you can just imitate that person’s success.
When you work with a coach, you look inside and value what you bring to the table.
You focus on being who you are, and then you perform at your maximum potential.
LaChelle Adkins, also known as “America’s SuperMom,“ has created a movement to empower women to overcome stress, depression and limiting beliefs.
LaChelle and her husband Jerome have 15 children (13 of which they had together) and 2 sons from other relationships. LaChelle has experience with juggling motherhood, military family life, career and life in the ministry, all of which led to a search for perfection which was unobtainable. This quest to acquire something not possible led to a downward spiral of depression which resulted in three hospitalizations.
After the last hospitalization in 2016, LaChelle decided to walk away from the victim mindset and embrace a victory mindset in order to teach others to successfully overcome these obstacles in their lives. She created a strategy she coined as “Fresh” start (https://bit.ly/2KxKmuJ) that allowed her to overcome stress, depression and limiting beliefs.
LaChelle serves as a life coach, guiding clients in how to implement this strategy to overcome similar obstacles in their lives. She believes her success is due to her ability to be transparent with her clients, which builds trust and helps them to be comfortable while removing masks and emotional walls.
She currently has programs for one on one coaching, group coaching, and she does public speaking. Her platform has extended beyond her business to include community outreach with such organizations as Haven House, Children’s Hospital of Atlanta, Communities in Schools (https://bit.ly/2KAtjs2)
Henry County Schools and a National 30-day organizational campaign alongside Rachael Ray and organizing guru Peter Walsh.
LaChelle feels grateful for her challenges because they have allowed her to serve and add value in the lives of others. Her experiences have helped her to be focused, empathetic and comfortable being herself without seeking validation from others.
LaChelle can be followed at
https://www.lachelleadkins.com
and on LinkedIn and Facebook.
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Be Heard-20 Method #3
Run in Better Races
Years ago, I was feeling overwhelmed. I told my sweetheart, “I’m like a racehorse.”
“Run in better races,” she replied, encouraging me to be more selective.
Good point. This led to my idea: I need to be in an area where a big payday is possible.
This proved to be true the first time I earned $1,000 in one hour. At the time I was earning $14 an hour as a marketing assistant.
My question was: Is there something I can do that comes easy to me, but is hard for other people—and people will pay me to do it?
Write down your own possible answers to this question, which I will repeat: Is there something I can do that comes easy to me, but is hard for other people—and people will pay me to do it?
I knew I could study, synthesize information, and convey it in an entertaining way.
Acclaimed television host Johnny Carson said, “People will pay more to be entertained than to be educated.” So, I earned $1000 in one hour by speaking to a group on a topic which I had never presented before. (This was so many years ago.)
An interviewer commented, “It sounds like it takes chutzpah and courage to try new things and put yourself at risk.”
Often, one needs to act with courage. My audiences like my phrase, Courage is easier when I’m prepared. The point is that I prepare every day for my next speech, interview or book that I write. In recent years, I often read up to 82 books in one year. I prepare by keeping up with my fields of interest.
How does one get into a better race?
It’s about your skills in building relationships. And the essence of effective networking (for jobs and more) is building good relationships. Many opportunities that I have enjoyed have come from building business and personal relationships. Years ago, my first opportunity to be marketed by a speaker bureau at the $5,000 level came from years of building a relationship with the bureau’s team members. This is how you get in a better race. You are friendly, trustworthy and helpful in all your dealings with people. Then people bring you opportunities.
Along the line of building relationships, Natalie Glebova reveals insights about coming across with confidence and authenticity.
Interview with Natalie Glebova
Tom: To come across as confident and trustworthy, what does a person need to do?
Natalie: On a more spiritual level, I would say that in order to be confident and trustworthy, be authentic. That’s the number one important thing.
The common cliché is to “be yourself.” But what does this really mean? Being yourself means being present with yourself and being present with this moment.
You’re being in touch with your body and in touch with your emotions. Don’t let the thoughts overtake you. Feel the true essence of who you are. By focusing on your breathing and feeling the life inside of your body, you can experience and feel what it is like to be overtaken and to surrender to the present moment.
I believe that this is the key to appearing authentic and to convey your truth to other people. So, whatever you say comes from a place not driven by your ego. It’s not driven by some concepts in your mind. But it’s from a true place within yourself. That’s the number one thing I recommend.
Tom: To appear confident and trustworthy, what is best for someone to avoid?
Natalie: Pay attention to your body language. Don’t fidget. Don’t play with your hands.
Instead of appearing like you’re nervous, be still and be calm. Place your hands firmly on the table or at your sides as you avoid doing something constantly with your hands.
This is important because when people see you fidgeting, they get this feeling that you are nervous—or maybe you’re trying to hide something. You seem not confident and that you’re not really being yourself.
Tom: I have a follow-up question. There are people I talk with—someone comes up to me after I give a speech, and I would tell them the truth that you shared, be yourself. And, they would say, “This self? This nervous self I have? This scared self. If I was just tuned into the scared part of myself, then I don’t think I could convince anyone of anything.” So how do you make a shift to the true self?
Natalie: It doesn’t happen overnight. In very rare cases you might be able to make a shift like a giant quantum leap from one mindset to another. It usually comes from experience and a lot of inner work. It comes with time, I believe.
But you can’t just say, “I’m going to give it time.” You have to actually do something in order to change your mindset and change the way you behave. So, you can write a list of things that scare you and journal about them to understand your feelings.
It helps to meditate every single day and visualize yourself as how you want to conduct yourself—in a public setting—a speech or a small group at your work or social circle.
A lot of deep introspection is needed to understand one’s fear about how people are perceiving you or judging you. That’s why I recommend journaling about your feelings to let them out. You can acknowledge that they’re there, and then you meditate on that feeling. Every day meditate at least 10 to 15 minutes—more if you can. I recommend 30 minutes. Observe your thoughts and feelings about the situation. Just allow them to be—before you release them.
You pay attention to your feelings, and you actually acknowledge them without judging them. You feel them. What is this tightness in my chest or anxiety feeling in the pit of my stomach? Watch yourself become aware of that feeling, and it will dissolve. Whenever I’m anxious about something, I close my eyes and I go deep down into the feeling—and when I am conscious of it without any judgment and observe it—it quickly disappears on its own.
You have to meditate and do introspective work on yourself every day. Then put yourself out there into the situations that make you uncomfortable. Because the only way to grow is to put yourself out of your comfort zone to experience new things firsthand.
Tom: Knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently?
Natalie: I was shy when I was younger. At 13, I arrived as a Russian immigrant in Canada. I had the lowest self-esteem.
Knowing what I know now, if I could talk to my younger self, I would say,
“Always look for a different perspective. Any opinion you have of yourself or someone else, there is another angle you can look from.”
So, your job is to find that other angle, even if you don’t believe it at the moment.
If you have a limiting belief about yourself, it helps to ask, “Is this really true?” Often, the answer is, “No, this belief is not true.” You’ll learn to tell yourself, “There’s another angle here. Or there’s another angle over there.”
Whether you think that you’re not good enough or that you’re shy or that you’re not worthy—you can always disprove that limiting belief.
And the way to disprove a limiting belief is to replace it with an empowering new belief and then take action based on this new belief.
For example, my parents, as Russian immigrants, gave me some limiting beliefs about my being Russian and not being good enough.
But I decided to look at it from another perspective, and I realized that there are many Russians who are intelligent, cultured and sophisticated. I even started to believe that Russian girls are sexy, like the Bond girls in spy movies.
So, I chose to use these new empowering beliefs.
I realized that I wanted to let go of the limiting beliefs because they were not serving me.
So, what did I need to do? I needed to switch to the empowering beliefs that I learned from some positive people.
Even though in the beginning, I might have not believed the empowering beliefs, I resolved: “I am going to do it, anyway.”
I learned to improve my inner dialogue. I spend a few minutes everyday instilling a new, empowering belief in myself. I choose what I focus on with my mind.
Find something in yourself that you really love and appreciate and focus more on that.
Remember, confidence and assertiveness come with experience and with time. The more you put yourself out there in situations where you feel uncomfortable—but you do it, anyway—the more your confidence builds.
Continue practicing your mindfulness, awareness, meditation and presence.
Natalie Glebova is an empowerment coach, author and former Miss Universe. She has been intensely focused on women empowerment and gender equality activism for the last decade. As a He4She advocate, a campaign by UN Women, she is very passionate about encouraging young people to build their self-confidence and reach their biggest goals. She is currently teaching a course “Empowered YOU” at Bangkok University to international students about effective goal-setting, mastering self-discipline, finding a purpose in life, and positive thinking.
Graduate of IT Management from Ryerson University in Toronto, Canada, she also has a certificate in Nutrition and Sport from Washington State University. Natalie has been actively involved in charity work ever since she moved to Thailand in 2006, and was a spokesperson for world-wide and local organizations including Habitat for Humanity and Operation Smile.
She has written two best-selling books: Healthy Happy Beautiful and I AM WINNING—A Guide to Personal Empowerment. Her public seminars and online empowerment training courses are centered around having the habits and the mindset that will make you a winner in life. https://natalieglebova.com
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Be Heard-20 Method #4
How to Be Liked
We often come across the classic idea that one needs the other person to know you, like you and trust you.
People will do a lot for a friend. In directing a feature film, I expanded the part of the little girl who portrayed the daughter of the main character because I liked her and her parents. They were a joy to work with. I had no hesitation in rewriting the script to expand her part.
On the other hand, I have worked with people who were disruptive. I arranged the schedules so that they were off my movie set quickly.
Being likeable is a big component in getting a job, a movie role, an investment into your project and other opportunities. (You can call this The Liking Factor.) How can you encourage someone new to like you?
Use the L.I.K.E.–M.E.–N.O.W. process:
L – Listen
I – Interview
K – Kindle similarity
E – Express gratitude
M – Monitor time
E – Engage the person’s concerns
N – Note ideal clients
O – Open to humor
W – Watch and help
Listen – Listen first. Ask a gentle question such as, “So, how do you know our host, Matt?”
Interview – You can easily start a conversation and put the person at ease with a gentle question. Pick a question that is easy and even pleasant to answer. At a conference, you can ask, “Oh, is there someone you’re really looking forward to hearing?” At a social gathering, I might ask, “When you’re taking it easy, do you like to read or see movies?” Asking “What are your hobbies?” can be helpful because people frequently enjoy their hobbies more than their current jobs. Or you can ask, “What are you looking forward to?”
Kindle similarity – A conversation warms up when people have a “I’ve experienced that, too!” moment. You often you hear this kind of comment: “Oh, you like skiing, too? What’s your favorite resort?”
Express gratitude – You can say, “Thanks for your time,” or “Thank you for your efforts on this one.” In an e-mail, it often helps to begin with “Thank you for … ”
Monitor time – Respect the person’s time. Say things like, “This will be quick. I know you’re busy.”
Engage the person’s concerns – Ask gentle questions to find out what is causing pain or inconvenience for the person. Then you can show how you hold similar concerns. This creates connection.
Note ideal clients – You can ask, “Who’s your ideal client?” or “Are you looking for specific types of people? Perhaps, I can help send some folks your way.”
Open to humor – Humor is something to be careful about. In fact, in one of my previous books, I covered 30 Secrets of Humor. I emphasize that it is helpful to observe what the person finds funny and flow with it if possible. One author states that the people he loves are the ones he laughs with.
Watch and help – You can ask, “How can I be supportive of what you’re doing?” This is a better question than “How can I help you?” because many of us recoil when hearing a salesperson ask that question in a brick-and-mortar store.
Create more Trust and Connect Well
The process is to Note Value and Gratitude. Remind the person of the value and benefits she will enjoy now that she has agreed to your proposal. This helps the sale or negotiated agreement stay solid. Remember, each sale or negotiate
d agreement is ideally part of a good long-term business relationship.
The second point is to effectively thank the person for working with you. People appreciate a heartfelt “thank you.” The crucial thing to remember is that each individual has a preferred way to receive appreciation and gratitude.
Along this line, while researching how people build healthy relationships, I discovered Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. In this book, Gary Chapman points out that each person has a personal “love language.” If you speak the person’s language, he or she will truly experience your gratitude. Here, I will focus on these love languages: Words of affirmation, Gifts, Quality time, and Acts of service. (The fifth language does not apply to our conversation here.)
Our goal is to appropriately and effectively express gratitude and create positive feelings.
You want to express your gratitude in a way the person can readily accept and feel. Here are examples related to the love languages:
Words of affirmation – “Joe, thanks for all your efforts. You were really effective in finding solutions to help our two teams work together. Thank you.”
Gifts – A small, appropriate gift that relates to the person’s hobby can be helpful. It’s great when we honor people this way.
Quality time – When meeting with a new customer, turn off your cell phone. When someone acts as though taking a cell phone call is more important than talking to us, it hurts. Don’t let this happen with your new customer.
Acts of service – Often, a customer will appreciate receiving a link to an article or YouTube video that relates to the hobby of her son or daughter. In this way, you can enrich your business relationship with the customer. The idea of service is that you extend an extra effort for the other person’s well-being.