The Engineer

by Rachel Renee

  Eliza is sobbing, reaching for me, but I pull back and stand up. “You did,” she cries out. “I’m just…I’m just…insecure or…I don’t know. I questioned it all. I wanted to tell you before you left.”

  “You knew before I even left?” I feel my voice rising, my blood at a slow boil in my veins. When she nods her head, I have to turn away. I have to calm myself. Of all the things that can make me lose my mind, my cool, it’s this woman!

  The chair squeaks on the floor. “Liam, stop.” A loud beeping sound follows her words, echoing through the room.

  I turn to see my wife standing from the chair she’d been in. There are multiple cords attached to her, a couple running to a machine that’s all lit up and going crazy with alerts. I’m back at her side within seconds, trying to sit her back in the chair. Two nurses have entered the room and they’re guards at my side.

  “Let’s get her to the bed. She needs to lie back down.”

  They take her from me, nudging me out. I stand back and watch as they lie the woman I love in the hospital bed. I’m noticing all the swelling in her legs and feet as they are propped up on pillows before being covered in compression devices. One nurse shoots something into the IV tube while the other tends to the machine. The one who puts the medicine into her fluids bends down and whispers something into her ear. Eliza nods, and the woman pats her on the head before wiping her hair back from her eyes and turning to me.

  “Your wife has pre-eclampsia. Her blood pressure has been causing a racket for her and the babies. We need to keep her calm.”

  My head tilts forward, confirming I heard her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t…No one informed me why we’re here.”

  “Now that you know, you can help us make sure she stays relaxed.”

  “I will.”

  She pats my arm before walking from the room. The other nurse finishes what she’s doing and leaves as well. We’re alone again, or so I thought. Cooper and Martha are standing right inside the room. The scuffling of feet had me turning to check the situation.

  The look I give must tell them I want to be alone. Cooper shoots up a wave before Martha pushes him back through the door, shutting it on their way out.

  Eliza hiccups back the last of the tears. She’s got a nasal cannula attached to her nose and she’s breathing in and out in a steady rhythm. Calm. Relaxed. I need to keep myself in the same frame of mind.

  “I’m not going anywhere. I’m just…I don’t know what I’m feeling. Frustrated, mad, sad, angry, excited.” I smile with the last word. I’m truly overwhelmed by the situation but mostly, my heart is swollen with the fact that I’m going to be a dad.

  Sitting on the edge of the bed, I grab Eliza’s hand. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too. So much. Please forgive me.”

  “I do. I will,” I add, trying to be honest. It will come, I know it will. I’m allowed to be hurt for a short time, though. I missed this special period in our relationship. All the appointments, the heartbeats, finding out the sex of the baby.

  “Do you know”—I rub her protruding stomach—“what we’re having?”

  She grins, and I do the same. “No. I didn’t want to find out without you.”

  My smile widens when she reaches up and pulls my beard, dragging me closer to her own face. She peppers my cheeks and lips with kisses. When our eyes meet, she stops and we stare. “Liam. You should know…” She keeps pausing and her eyes are welling up once again.

  “Please just say it. I won’t be upset. I need to know so we can move forward.” Is she going to tell me this baby isn’t mine?

  After a sharp intake of breath, she sighs. “We’re having twins.”

  “Twins.” It feels foreign on my tongue. “Twins,” I say it again. Not that the baby isn’t mine. That we are having twins. More than one baby.

  I hear the beeping from the machine, slower and less intrusive than before. “Calm down,” I tell Eliza, but I’m also warning my traitor heart. “This is good. Right? Two babies. Two. At once.”

  Eliza’s gaping at me when I stand from the bed. “I was shocked too.” It’s her turn to use the instruction I gave her.

  The words come out before I think them through. “Would you have given birth without me knowing? Would you have let that happen?”

  “No. No. Your chief knew. He was ready to call you home when he got the urgent message you needed him for the mission. I was so scared. I wanted to call you, but I was commanded not to. He said he’d have you to us as soon as possible.”

  “My chief knew? Everyone knew but me? The first person who should have been told of the news.”

  “Liam. I’m sorry. I am. It got out of hand so quickly. And then, I started having a lot of trouble. I passed out twice at work. The second time, they rushed me here. That’s when I got the diagnosis.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me then? I called, I texted…I was worried. Scenario after scenario took root in my mind. And Cooper called. Told me to come home. What was I to think?”

  “I know. I know.”

  The beeping speeds up, the frequency louder than before. I sit back down and grab my wife’s hand. “It’s okay. We’re going to be okay. I just need time to digest.” I try breathing in and out, willing my heart and mind to settle down.

  The door flies open once more, the older nurse rushing to the bedside. “If you two can’t keep it together, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” She’s glaring at me when she speaks.

  “Maybe I should step out for a few minutes.”

  “No, Liam.” The beeping is as frantic as Eliza’s words.

  “I’ll come back. A cup of coffee and a short walk.”

  The nurse grabs ahold of Eliza’s free hand. “I think that’s a great idea.” She glances between the both of us. “I’ll stay with you while your husband takes a little time out. I’m sure this is a lot to take in, in such a short amount of time.” She smiles timidly as she glares in my direction again.

  I take her cue and reach over to kiss my wife’s forehead. “I’ll be here in the hospital. If you need me.”

  She holds on to my hand until it’s only our fingers touching before she decides to let go.

  The nurse is whispering as I leave the room.

  She’s right. I need time away. To process. My thoughts are coming in short bursts. Baby. Babies, plural. More than one. Pre-eclampsia. Secrets. I try to shut that one down. But it’s here. Secrets. I thought we were past that. If we’re not, what does it mean? Should I trust her? Yes. I trust her.

  I love her. I’m going to be a dad. I’m going to be a dad times two! Two. Holy shit! I think that thought trumps all the others.

  The cafeteria is bustling, so many different voices calling out to each other. People giving orders, others chatting with a friend or a loved one. I find the coffee station and order the biggest cup they have.

  “Here. Let me get that.” Coop’s hand reaches over the counter with a five spot for the lady. “Keep the change,” he tells her.

  I don’t thank him. I don’t even know why. Stubbornness. Spitefulness. I grab my extra-large cup and walk in the opposite direction. “Wait up,” he calls after me. His hand grasps my shoulder and I wince. He got me in the sweet spot.

  “What do you want?” I whirl around, uncertain of what I’m about to do. In the arm opposite of what he used on me, sits a smiling little baby I hadn’t noticed before. I barely recognize little Willow, but the warm brown eyes matching her dad’s confirms her identity. “Sorry man. I’m just…just not in the mood.”

  “I can understand. I wanted her to tell you. I begged her so many times to call. I dialed the number but she pressed end when I handed her the phone. When she got sick, I made the choice for her. That’s what I’m supposed to do, right?”

  “You should have told me. You had the gall to send a message, but not the decency to tell me the whole story. I could have died not knowing.”

  Willow hides her face in Cooper’s shoulder. My temper that’s getting the best
of me frightens her. “What if you were me? Do you remember when you found out Heather was pregnant? You wanted to be there. I wanted to be here,” I add, more calmly.

  Coop looks down at his little girl, the memories of her announcement seeming to be flooding back to him. “You’re right. God, I wish I had thought it through. I mean, thoroughly let the whole scenario sink in.”

  “Listen. I need time to think over everything. It’s not going to be forgotten overnight. But holding grudges is not an option. Deep down, I realize everyone meant well. Or at least I think they were trying to do the right thing. I don’t know.” I shrug.

  Little Willow is reaching up to her daddy’s face, smacking his cheek softly with her chubby little hand. He’s beyond in love with her. The look in his eyes says everything his words cannot. I’m envious of the connection, eager to experience the same.

  “You want to hold her?” Cooper caught me staring.

  “Nah, man. I need to get back to my wife. Thank you.”

  I’ve missed enough. Life is short. I’m reminded of that so often in my line of work. Pushing my insecure thoughts deep down for the time being, I quickly go back to room 317.

  It’s quiet except for the beeping of the machine and another sound that is eerily similar to a heartbeat. A new nurse, one I’m acquainted with, is standing on the left of the bed. “You’re just in time,” Heather, Cooper’s wife, announces. “Want to meet your babies?”

  Climbing into the small bed next to my wife, I watch the screen as two perfect little beings are displayed before me. Two little sacks, holding pint-sized beings. I listen to the heartbeats as Heather moves the probe from one side of the stomach to the other. They’re fast, one more so than the other. I count their limbs, the ones I can distinguish. One round face is staring back at us, the other seems to be looking at their sibling, only the profile is visible, enough to see he or she is sucking its thumb.

  “Oh,” Heather squeaks. “Baby A is active.” She grabs my hand, placing it on Eliza’s stomach to feel what had interrupted her examination.

  Baby A kicks my hand. Once. Twice. I hold my breath, waiting for another. I’m not disappointed. When there’s one more pop of my hand, I’m already smitten.

  Eliza grasps me, holding as tight as her small hands will allow. I squeeze, encouraging her. Reminding both of us we’re in this together.

  32

  One month later

  ELIZA’S and my relationship has never been one without a few bumps in the road. We spent years apart, we kept big secrets, ones that could have broken us, but in the end, only proved we were stronger together than we allowed ourselves to think.

  It helped, me being home. Eliza’s blood pressure has been more stable. Enough so she got to come home. Under direct supervision, of course. We’ve had to check her blood pressure multiple times a day, make sure she got plenty of rest and her stress kept to a minimum.

  This month, I’ve tried to understand her point of view. The reason she kept the pregnancy secret and refused to fill me in on her health issues. It began as a small decision but grew into a huge lie over the months I was away. She’d hoped I’d finish my mission early and get back here. She didn’t think I’d be upset because she planned to make sure I arrived home before the babies were born. We discussed how the whole thing could have backfired, maybe I wouldn’t be back in time, because I wasn’t scheduled to be back in time. When she couldn’t bear to keep the secret from me anymore, she refused to talk to me, afraid the secret would come out. In her heart, she knew she’d went about the whole thing the wrong way and at that point, didn’t know how to fix it without possibly jeopardizing my case.

  The last conversation we had, I told her I believed things were coming to a head. We’d be done before I knew it. She thought if she could hold on to her confession a little longer, we’d be reconnected and she’d surprise me with the news, kind of like a welcome home, you’re going to be a dad type of celebration. Only, her pre-eclampsia got out of hand and I was so far down the rabbit hole only God knew if I was to survive.

  I’ve forgiven her. The rest of our untraditional family as well. There’s much to be grateful for and truly celebrate. The babies’ room is set up. It took quite a bit of work to get all the boxes unpacked from the guest room that had become a “catch-all.” But, we did it. Everyone had a hand in making sure there would be a comfortable place for our babies to lay their heads. Beds, blankets, wall coverings, a rocking chair, and clothes, a dresser full, have taken foundation in the back bedroom.

  The work kept my mind busy. Kept me from dwelling on the past and what I missed. Also, what I experienced during my time away. I didn’t intend to let it affect me, but it had.

  The first couple of weeks, I had nightmares, the same one I endured the first night home. Sometimes it was Selena in the coffin, and other times, it was Eliza. Those nights, I snuggled close in bed, wrapping Eliza in my arms and holding her there the rest of the night. I’ve seen a lot in my time with the agency, but what happened to Selena will never be forgotten. I can’t let it.

  After talking with Lieutenant, we decided to make a push for new and improved procedures that would require agents working in the field to be held more accountable for what they do during their off times and decisions they are making on missions. Starting with changing the measures in which an agent gets assigned to a case. This being another assignment where I encountered men going against everything they’d been trained to do, went to show how negatively the system had turned. A decision that ended with the death of a woman who was just beginning her career. Her life, really. She shouldn’t have been involved in it in the first place, and wouldn’t have been if procedures were followed. Hopefully, the new accountability tactics will improve field work.

  Training classes are being developed under my supervision to give new recruits and old school agents alike the tools they need to properly engage their targets, to request assistance before they get in too deep, and to make sure the assignment being doled out is actually the right fit for them. There will now be more than one superior who has to okay the agent before they are sent out in the field. No one person will have the power to decide someone else’s destiny.

  I’m also working to change the measures by which our agents are to handle long-term assignments with regards to family. With all the advancements in security and technology, it isn’t necessary to keep all agents on assignment for months on end, without the possibility of contact with their loved ones. It’s not going to be straightforward to get people to change what has been happening for decades, but I’m determined to get the ball rolling. All the implementations Lieu and I have been in charge of has helped me process, to turn my focus onto something that will hopefully keep what happened to Selena and the trials of my marriage from happening again.

  I’ve gotten to work mostly from home these past few weeks. Spending every waking moment with my wife, preparing for our future. I never thought I’d want it, but a permanent desk job is sounding more and more appealing the closer Eliza gets to delivery. I don’t ever want to be away from my babies for weeks on end. Even if we roll out the new policies, I could still be forced to endure at least that much. Plenty can change in a month’s time. This I’ve realized the more time Willow has spent in my presence. One day she’s scooting across the floor on her butt, the next week she’s able to pull herself to stand beside to the coffee table.

  I’m sitting on my favorite chair, looking over a contract Lieu sent over when I hear Eliza call from the bedroom. “Liam. It’s time.”

  “Time? Uh, 11:35,” I yell back after looking down at the computer screen.

  “No,” she yells. “Time to go. My water just broke!”

  Tossing my computer to the side and gently lying the cat from my lap to the couch, I fly up from my spot and rush to Eliza. This wasn’t supposed to happen. We were to be induced next week at the hospital for the entire labor so they could keep a close eye on Eliza’s blood pressure.

  The bags are p
repared and, in the car, so the only thing I have to worry about is getting my wife and babies to the hospital safely. Eliza is waddling from the bathroom when I enter, her face pale as she grabs the protrusion with both hands in what looks to be agonizing pain. She breathes in and out, ragged but practiced. After the contraction lets loose of her, she stands. “Boy, that came out of nowhere.”

  The color starts returning to her face when I grab ahold of her shoulders, attempting to escort her out of the apartment. I trip over the cat who is watching us intently. He was standing in my way and decided not to move when we rushed through the hall. My very pregnant and laboring wife keeps me from wiping out, laughing about the fact the cat is trying to sabotage us.

  Eliza is in the passenger seat when Martha rushes out of the flower shop. “Are the babies coming?”

  “I think so,” Eliza calls out before I can shut the door all the way.

  “Rally the troops,” I tell her, pulling myself into the driver’s side.

  By the time we’re at the hospital and settled into a room in labor and delivery, I’ve got multiple messages alerting me to family in the waiting room wondering when they can come to see us. I told Eliza I’d take my cue from her on that one.

  “After I see the doctor,” she answers through a grunt.

  The contractions come on quickly once her water broke. Every few minutes, she’s doubled over, Lamaze breathing until they subside. It takes nearly thirty minutes from the time we entered the room for the doctor to arrive. By that time, Eliza is dilated six centimeters and is fifty percent effaced. “The babies will be here sometime today,” he tells us. “Try to rest while you can.”

  The man clearly has never been in labor. For someone who delivers babies on a day-to-day basis, he should know that when you’re contracting every few minutes, there’s no chance of relaxing.

  Since her pressure is elevated, Eliza is forced to stay in bed the duration of the labor. Eliza’s parents come in first. Her mother is beyond excited for the babies to arrive. She’s been at the apartment nearly every day since I got back. I can tell Dad is nervous. He can barely stand still or look at Eliza when she bears down on the contraction. They don’t stay long and remind me that they are to be the first to know when the babies make their entrance.