Hesitant Hearts

by Jerry Cole

  “Oh,” Patrick said. That would actually make sense. He pinched the bridge of his nose. It had clearly been a long time since he’d had to do this if every little interaction was making him second guess himself. Isaac didn’t deserve that, actually, so he shook himself out of it, typed out something like get one!!!, then focused back on Rebecca. “How do I stop this?”

  Rebecca sobered, squeezing Patrick’s leg again. “Sabotaging your own happiness?”

  There was a horrible feeling settling in Patrick’s chest, but he just nodded.

  “I don’t know, Patrick. I wish I could tell you.” Rebecca’s voice dropped, sounding soft and careful. It was a Moment, Patrick realized, and tried to force himself to listen. “Therapy helped you. At least, you said it did. Maybe speak to someone again.”

  “No,” Patrick said. He held up his hands when Rebecca made to protest. “I don’t – I don’t think it’s that bad right now. I promise I will if it does, but I just – this is new, all right? I think I need some time to adjust and then we’ll figure it out.”

  It didn’t help that he and Isaac hadn’t started out on the best of terms. They’d made a plan to pretend, which had fallen apart pretty quickly. That didn’t stop everything from feeling weird, not quite right, and like the rug was going to be swept out from under Patrick’s feet at any moment.

  Rebecca didn’t look happy, but she let go of Patrick, and gave him a soft approximation of a bright smile. “If you say so.”

  “I do,” Patrick pressed. “Now where’s Eddie and that pizza?”

  It didn’t take long for his trip to wrap up, and thankfully it did so a day earlier than expected. Though Patrick had been texting Isaac most of that time, things devolving into emoji battles and contemplations about late night television, he could still feel the excitement of being able to see Isaac in person.

  The day he was due to fly home, he didn’t hear from Isaac until he was due to board. It was a quick, GET HOME SOON! text that had Patrick grinning as he made his way to his seat. Rebecca and Eddie had already flown home, leaving Patrick to wrap up the rest of the meetings, and honestly, Patrick wanted to go right home and collapse into his own bed. There was nothing like the feeling of his own mattress and pillows. Usually, he would ignore everything else and do just that, but Isaac had promised he would be over as soon as Patrick landed, and Patrick was damned if he was gonna wait until the next day, when Isaac was adamant that he’d be there.

  There was a short delay with landing, and Patrick sent a text as soon as he was able to turn his phone back on, to let Isaac know not to bother, to come over the next morning. It was late, and as much as Patrick wanted to see him, he wasn’t about to fuck up Isaac’s sleep schedule.

  Isaac sent back several unhappy emojis, but nothing else, so Patrick assumed he’d received the message and wouldn’t be there.

  I’m back, he sent to Rebecca. Don’t expect me in work tomorrow.

  Unsurprisingly, as he battled his way through arrivals and baggage claim, he hadn’t received a reply from Rebecca. She was probably asleep, which was where Patrick desperately wanted to be, and as he pulled up a local cab company for a ride home, he was startled when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

  “Hey,” Isaac said, grinning nervously.

  “Isaac?” Patrick asked, kind of stupidly. “What are you doing here?”

  Isaac looked startled and then uncomfortable. “Shouldn’t I be? I know you said not to come, but I thought I—”

  “Don’t listen to me,” Patrick said immediately, grinning despite himself. “I clearly don’t know what I’m talking about.” He dropped the handle of his bag and curled his hands into Isaac’s jacket. “Hello, I missed you.”

  Relaxing, Isaac smiled brightly, wrapping his arms around Patrick’s shoulders. He pressed a kiss against Patrick’s temple and then another to his jaw. “I missed you too.”

  Patrick relaxed a fraction more, burying his face into Isaac’s shoulder. It was a comfort he didn’t think he should allow himself, but he couldn’t stop it. Isaac huffed something, probably a laugh, but he didn’t relax his grip, and he kissed Patrick’s head again. It would be so easy to stay this way forever, but Patrick’s body was reminding him that it was exhausted, and he needed a bed.

  “I don’t think I’m gonna be good company.”

  “Good,” Isaac said easily, pulling away, but keeping one arm around Patrick’s shoulders. He even bent down to pick up Patrick’s bag, and fuck, Patrick had really found himself a good one. “Because my plan was to take you home and share your bed.”

  Patrick raised his eyebrows.

  “To sleep,” Isaac protested, a blush covering his cheeks, and Patrick grinned, nudging him with his hip.

  “I’m joking, Isaac. Sleep sounds really great.”

  Isaac nodded decisively, though he was still smiling and looked pink. It was a good look on him, Patrick thought. Isaac’s car was outside and even though it would be a nightmare to get back into the city, Patrick slid into the passenger seat gratefully, settling back against the headrest.

  “All right?” Isaac asked, leaning over the center console to kiss Patrick softly. Patrick moaned softly, following Isaac’s lips with his own when they pulled apart. “Let’s get you home, yeah?”

  The motions of the car lulled Patrick into a doze. There was the soft music from the radio that Isaac was playing, some oldie 80s tune that Patrick could vaguely remember, but he was drifting somewhere between wakefulness and sleep. The next thing he knew was Isaac shaking his shoulder gently.

  “Patrick?”

  Patrick jerked awake, heart hammering in his chest, and it took him a moment to realize where he was and who he was with. “Isaac.”

  “Yeah,” Isaac said, looking concerned. Patrick felt a familiar flush of shame, but Isaac squeezed his knee. “It’s okay. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out where I am.”

  “Yeah,” Patrick breathed, but he still closed his eyes, brushing a hand over his face. He could see the building looming up over them and raised his eyebrows. “You brought us here?”

  “Where else would I take you?” Isaac asked, confused.

  “I thought you’d drop me off somewhere before going home.”

  “Patrick,” Isaac said, tugging on Patrick until he shifted in the seat and faced Isaac head on. Leaning across the center console, he brought Patrick in for a slow, careful kiss. “I told you I’d stay with you, and I meant it.”

  Patrick nodded, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “Okay, good.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” Patrick said, letting himself believe it. “We should go inside.”

  Isaac smiled, and it was bright enough that Patrick’s breath caught again.

  Chapter Eleven

  The next morning, Patrick didn’t want to open his eyes.

  There was a strong arm around his shoulders, and his head was pillowed on a comfortable shoulder. The soft rise and fall of his upper body told him well enough that Isaac was currently asleep beneath him. Though once he was awake, he would usually have to get himself moving or risk falling back to sleep, he didn’t want to go anywhere.

  The room was a comfortable temperature, the duvet pooled around their waists, and Patrick shifted enough to rest his cheek against Isaac’s chest, breathing out slowly. He didn’t want to wake Isaac up, and knew he would if he kept moving, so he tried to even out his own breathing, let himself enjoy the moment.

  No doubt his phone would be blowing up, wherever he’d dropped it the night before, and for the first time in a long while, he didn’t want to reach out and grab it, didn’t want to throw himself into work when he had Isaac here, in his bed. It wasn’t – he didn’t even feel the need to make anything of it, which was a pretty big fucking deal if you asked him.

  Not that he thought Isaac was the kind to fuck and run.

  The opposite actually.

  “I can hear you thinking,” Isaac said, his voice rumbling under Patrick’s ear.

/>   It startled Patrick enough that he shifted, chin on Isaac’s chest and he blinked, one side of his mouth quirking up. “Sorry if I woke you.”

  “You didn’t,” Isaac said, stretching out his legs and shifting, arm still tight around Patrick’s shoulders, trying not to dislodge him. “I usually wake up around now, go for a run.”

  “Ew,” Patrick said with feeling, grinning when Isaac laughed gently. “You don’t have to go on one this morning, do you?”

  Isaac raised his eyebrows, pretended to think about it. “That depends on whether I get a better offer.”

  Patrick propped his chin on his hands, settling more fully over Isaac’s body. It would be easy to shift his hips the right amount, to feel what Isaac was no doubt sporting in his shorts, what Patrick’s were definitely sporting, but he didn’t. And Bec and Eddie thought he had no restraint. “Waking up with me not good enough?”

  “Dunno yet,” Isaac said, his voice soft.

  Patrick’s chest constricted and he swallowed, brushed his fingers over Isaac’s chest. Isaac tugged his bottom lip between his teeth and the moment was charged. Just charged enough, perhaps, to move it along, but Patrick dug in his heels – metaphorically – and kissed the skin beneath his chin. “Ten out of ten from me, Carter.”

  “Oh, good.” Isaac lifted his free hand to Patrick’s head, ran his fingers through Patrick’s hair, which he really needed to wash. He was gross from the plane ride and probably smelt just as bad, not that Isaac had said anything about it. “Shower?”

  “Yes,” Patrick groaned, the noise more sexual than he would have wanted it, but it didn’t lead to anything significant. Patrick had never been good at leaving things alone, and thinking about the shower, he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. “Together?”

  There was a small silence, and Patrick opened his mouth to take it back, to make some quip, but then Isaac was dragging Patrick up for a kiss, uncaring what Patrick smelt like, apparently, or whatever bed hair and state he looked in after their late-night ride.

  “Whatever you want,” Isaac said immediately, which was probably going to get Patrick’s back up eventually, but was still endearing enough for now.

  “What I want,” Patrick said, shifting so that he could straddle Isaac in a more comfortable position. He leaned close to Isaac’s ear, teased his earlobe between his teeth. “Is you however I can get you.”

  Isaac closed his eyes, breathed in slowly, fingers still running absently through Patrick’s hair. “You already have me, Patrick.”

  Not in the way I want, Patrick thought. He stretched, pulling back from Isaac and letting the sheet drop away completely. He still had his briefs on, but it was obvious he was sporting a semi, and Isaac’s eyes immediately dipped to his crotch, tongue darting out to lick the corner of his mouth.

  “Come on, Carter,” Patrick said, grabbing Isaac’s hands and tugging him up. “I do wanna shower together.”

  Isaac moved easily, muscles pronounced in the light spilling through the gap in the curtains. Patrick rarely remembered to close them, and it was obvious how tired he had been the night before when he couldn’t remember Isaac doing so. Isaac really had taken care of him. Again, his chest constricted, and again, Patrick ignored it. Shoving Isaac in the direction of the bathroom, he kept kissing Isaac’s face, cheek, chin, wherever he could land a quick peck.

  Laughing, Isaac backed up into the bathroom, eyes widening slightly at the luxuriousness of Patrick’s en suite, but Patrick had never let himself savor it; it was a means to an end, of course, and something to show off with whenever he brought someone home. With Isaac, it felt different, not that Patrick wanted to analyze why that might be. He grinned into Isaac’s mouth as he reached out blindly for the shower, letting out a triumphant, “ha,” against Isaac’s lips when the water started thundering out of the showerhead.

  “You’re gonna love this,” Patrick said, throwing open the shower door.

  “Pretty sure I already am,” Isaac said, hauling Patrick closer, hands on his ass, and hooking his thumbs in the waistband. “Probably wanna drop these first, no?”

  Patrick shucked the briefs, and tugged on the leg of Isaac’s shorts, leaning up for another kiss. “Drop yours. Only fair.”

  “Oh, is it?” Isaac said, raising his eyebrows. He shoved the shorts down his thighs though, and Patrick made an obvious sweep of his eyes over Isaac’s body. It was meant to be light-hearted and fun, but then he caught sight of Isaac’s cock, thick and curved, a generous size. Patrick could only remember a handful of times when he’d seen something as thick. Longer, perhaps, but Patrick was all about girth, not length. It would be a joy to get up close and personal with and God, Patrick wanted that.

  He managed to shake it off, caught a blush on Isaac’s cheeks as his eyes ran over Patrick’s dick, now fully erect, though nowhere near as interesting to look at as Isaac’s. Patrick drew his attention back to the shower, a gentle steam already filling the bathroom.

  “I don’t want…,” Patrick started, unable to believe he was actually saying the words. “I wanna wait. All right?”

  “Of course,” Isaac didn’t even hesitate. His eyes were serious, one of his thumbs brushing against Patrick’s cheek. “Whenever, I’m in no rush.”

  Patrick sighed dramatically. “Not hot enough, huh?”

  Isaac rolled his eyes, and manhandled Patrick into the shower. It was doing wonders for Patrick’s dick, which was definitely not okay with Patrick’s reluctance to turn this into something sexual, but whatever. “That’s never going to be a problem.”

  It took Patrick a moment to figure out what Isaac was saying, and he smiled, the warmth he felt taking him by surprise. “You’re allowed to want things.”

  There was a lull, Isaac pressing them both under the spray, and Patrick let out a groan of appreciation. The water felt great on his skin, washing away yesterday’s plane, and sleep, and groaned when Isaac’s hand roamed his body, drawing him into a wet kiss, faces turned out of the spray.

  “I do want things,” Isaac said eventually. His eyes were serious, Patrick close enough to see how blue they were, and fuck, he’d never been the type to wax lyrical about someone’s eyes, but Isaac’s – he shook his head, Isaac was still talking. “I want you so bad, it wouldn’t take much to have me fuck you right here, but I want this to be – I want it to be good for both of us.”

  Patrick didn’t know what to say to that, throat thick with emotion, and he curled his hands around Isaac’s biceps, letting the water run off them both. “Good. Me too. Waiting, or whatever.”

  Isaac didn’t seem to mind that it didn’t make total sense, his mouth on Patrick’s hair, soft kisses even with water swirling around them. It was the first time Patrick had ever shared a shower with someone and not fucked them during. It was a strange experience, but he let it happen, relishing the skin contact with Isaac as he carefully washed them both. Patrick wasn’t the kind of guy who liked that sort of thing, being taken care of, even when he spent most of his time letting Eddie and Rebecca invade his personal space and work time, but Isaac – Isaac was something else.

  “You ever had someone do this?” Isaac asked, as if he could read Patrick’s mind.

  Patrick watched the soap suds slide down his legs, pool at his feet. He didn’t insult Isaac’s intelligence by pretending he didn’t know what he was talking about. “It usually ends up being something else.”

  There was a lull, Isaac squirting a generous amount of shampoo into his palm. Patrick raised his eyebrows, wondering if Isaac was gonna wash his hair for him now. It was obvious Isaac was pretending to think about it. There was a part of Patrick that wouldn’t have minded Isaac’s hands working through his hair, massaging the shampoo into his scalp.

  The moment shifted, and Isaac was rubbing the shampoo into his own hair, creating a lather. Patrick watched him for a moment, grabbing for the bottle, stepping into Isaac’s space, and watching the way Isaac’s eyes tracked his movements, the small curve to his lips.


  The shower passed quickly after that, rinsing off the shampoo and watching Isaac condition his hair. The shower was large enough for the two of them to comfortably move around each other, and Patrick finished rinsing himself off, grabbing a couple of the towels from the rack.

  “Don’t think I’ve ever done something like that,” Isaac said, shutting off the water, and wrapping the towel around his waist, rubbing at his hair with another. The tops of his cheeks were pink, and he ducked away from Patrick’s searching look, stepping out of the shower.

  “Not even to,” Patrick started, not knowing what to say as Isaac shook his head.

  “Is that weird?” Isaac still wasn’t meeting his eyes.

  Patrick knew this was a moment, and he didn’t want to ruin it by being flippant or weird. Besides, there wasn’t anything wrong with wanting to share a shower with someone, was there? Whatever, Patrick had done worse things for less. He nudged Isaac with his elbow, waiting for Isaac to meet his eyes. “I’m no poster boy for what’s conventional in a relationship, but you liked it?”

  “Yes,” Isaac said immediately. He tilted his head, looking more defiant, and Patrick’s stomach flipped comfortably.

  Patrick pushed up on his feet, kissed Isaac soundly on the mouth. “Then who cares whether it’s weird if we both liked it?”

  Isaac curled an arm around Patrick’s shoulders, drawing him in for another kiss, this one long and wet, and Patrick’s dick gave him a half-hearted reminder that it was still concerned with being next to a naked Isaac and not being touched.

  They stood there for a while, not talking, and it was actually nice. Patrick didn’t feel the need to run away, just leaned into Isaac and let himself be kissed.

  “So,” Isaac said, brushing a hand through Patrick’s wet hair. Patrick could get used to that, having someone brush their fingers through it, reminded him he was cared for. He made an internal face at his own thoughts and focused back on Isaac. Get a grip, Wright. “How much work do you have to do today?”

  Considering Patrick had just come off of a week-long boardroom drama, he was hoping not much. “Why?”