Zombie Lover

by Piers Anthony

  Bink let go of her hand and touched her shoulder It was cold “I suppose that wouldn't make you comfortable to sleep beside,” he said.

  “Well, it's not cold all the time, only when I turn it on.“

  “Can you make it hot too9”

  “No, only cold I seldom bother.“

  “Does it make you shiver?”

  “No, that doesn't bother me. But I guess the heated exchange from my shoulder makes my heart hot and I hate being hot-hearted while cold-shouldering folk.“

  The ground of Ptero was now rushing up, and they had to concentrate on their landing But Bink continued to think about what he had learned Tipsy had a warm heart, which no one appreciated. She had already done him a favor by giving him time to think instead of constantly trying to seduce him. She wasn't pretty, but she would be good for any man who cared about character more than appearance. That was of course the problem he knew of no men like that. Even he himself liked Chameleon much better when she was beautiful than when she was smart.

  They landed The girls were surprised “There's no bump!” Davina cried.

  “This is a dream, remember,” Dor reminded her “But it will become more solid as you get used to it “

  “I think it's fascinating,” Fiona said “I love dreaming like this.“

  “Now where can we find some princes?” Dolph asked

  “We'll have to ask,” Dor said with regret “That means exchanging a favor.“

  “Maybe that tower will know,” Tipsy suggested, pointing to a nearby tower that seemed to be made of eyeballs.

  Dor considered “I wonder whether eyeballs are animate or inanimate7 I can talk to them it they are the latter.“

  They went to the tower, which turned out to be huge. Big solid eyeballs braced the four corners of the base, and smaller ones were piled up to a towering top, where a single monstrous eye stared around.

  “You can talk to it and see whether it answers,” Bink suggested.

  “What are you?” Dor asked it.

  “I am the Eye-full Tower,” it replied “I see everything.“

  “Can you see where a number of princes are?”

  “Certainly. Do you want to know where they are?”

  “Yes”

  “What service will you exchange for that information?”

  “Well, I can talk with the inanimate.“

  “I can see that, old man Now what will you exchange?”

  “What do you want?” Dor asked

  “I want to get rid of that club soda that lurks too close.“

  They looked, but saw only a sparkling pool “Where?” Dor asked.

  “Go drink some soda and see.“

  “I’m thirsty,” Davina said. She knelt and dipped a little cup into the soda. She sipped it.

  Suddenly she was flat on her back Fiona rushed to help her sit up. “It clubbed me,” Davina said dizzily. Tiny planets whirled around her head.

  Now Bink appreciated why the Eye-full Tower might not appreciate having the pool so close. Any splashing would get an eyeball clubbed.

  But how could they move a pool? It happened to be in a hollow, with the land rising in all directions.

  “I could push it somewhere,” Dolph said “If it were solid.“

  “I can make it solid,” Tipsy said

  Dolph looked at her “How can you do that?”

  “Like this “ Tipsy rolled back her sleeve so that her shoulder showed. It looked faintly blue, oddly. She lay down so close to the edge that the bare shoulder overlapped the pool She angled her body so that the shoulder touched the surface of the liquid.

  A film appeared on the pool, spreading out from the point of contact. Soon it thickened “Hey, I'm cold!” the pool protested.

  “That's ice!“ Bink exclaimed “From the cold shoulder.“

  The ice reached across the pool and penetrated to its base “I think it can be moved now,” Tipsy gasped.

  Dolph changed into a bull dozer, perhaps inspired by the one they had seen on the Isle of Bovines, put down his horns, and pushed. The ice slid out of the hollow in one thick disk Dolph shoved it on across the landscape, until it went over a ridge and slid down the far side, away from the tower.

  “Now, if you care to tell us where those princes are—” Dor said

  “Fair enough Follow the direction of my gaze to the horizon. There you will find Prince Town, where all the unemployed princes are getting educated. But you will have to cross more than one comic strip on the way.“

  “Thank you,” Dor said. He oriented on the direction the towering eye was looking.

  But the others were not quite ready. Fiona had gotten Davina to her feet, and the tiny planets had faded. But Tipsy remained on the ground Bink went to her “May I help you up?”

  “Don't touch my shoulder,” she gasped. “You'll freeze.“

  So he reached down and put his arm around her waist. It was quite warm. He lifted her and she fell against him. Her chest was burning hot. No wonder she was gasping. It had been a considerable heat exchange.

  “How can I help you?” he asked, concerned.

  “No. I'll be all right when I even out “ But she seemed to be in real distress. That amount of heat exchange must have stressed her system to the breaking point, even in a dream.

  “How can I help you?” he repeated.

  She blushed, but that might be another effect of the heat “If you could stand to—to kiss me—”

  He kissed her. Heat flowed from her face to his, warming him throughout. It wasn't physical heat, but emotional warmth. Because her heart was hot. She needed release from the agony of unrequited warm-heartedness.

  He held her while her body returned to normal. Her shoulder warmed up and her bosom cooled. “Thank you,” she murmured at last.

  “Thank you,” he replied. “You enabled us to get the information we need.”

  They set out for Prince Town. Dolph could have changed form and carried them, but might have confused the direction, so they stayed on the ground.

  Soon they came to a comic strip. “I think we had better mark our direction carefully and fly over this,” Dor said grimly.

  “Why?” Davina asked. “It looks like an innocent border.”

  The three men sent a glance circling around. They shrugged. Some things were best learned the hard way.

  They stepped onto the strip. There was a pretty flower in the shape of a stomach. “Oh, what a pretty posy!” Fiona said, learning forward to sniff it.

  “Wait!” Dor said sharply. “What is that?”

  “That's a cute gastritis,” one of several nearby crosses replied. Each of them was garbed in a dress. “Sniff it and you'll have one heaven of a stomachache.”

  Fiona jerked her head back. “Thank you for the warning, cross dressers,” she said.

  Suddenly a swarm of bright red ants crossed in front of them. Wherever they stepped, fire broke out. “Those fire ants are ringing us with fire!” Dolph cried.

  They retreated—and fell with several splashes into a foul pond of soapy water. “What is this?” Dor demanded as he struggled to get out of it.

  “Lake Hogwash,” the pond replied. “To wash pigs like you.”

  There were even toys floating in the dirty water. Bink grabbed one that was in the shape of a word: LET. It was attached to a string that disappeared into the murky depths. “What are you?” he asked.

  “Isn't it obvious, sewer-breath? I'm a Toy Let.”

  It figured. But it could be useful. Bink jerked hard on the string.

  There was a loud sucking sound, and the level of the hogwash descended.

  “What did you do?” Tipsy asked as she fought to stay clear of the small whirlpool that was forming.

  “I flushed the Toy Let.”

  Soon they were standing around the drain in the bottom. All the hogwash has been flushed.

  They looked for a way to climb out of the empty pool. Dolph felt among several disks that were perched near the edge. “Quit that, you bleepi
ty bleep!” a disk swore villainously. It was of course a disk cuss.

  Fiona found a way that led through another pool, one that had not drained. But she hesitated to try it. A number of small bug-like creatures floated in it. “What are you?” she asked it.

  “I'm a sep tic tank,” it replied.

  “Those are sep tics!” Bink said, recognizing them. “They live in sludgy bays. They'll suck out our minds in the filthiest way.”

  They finally found a shallow section and helped each other out. Here there were a number of elastic loops. Whenever someone picked one up, it played music. Since they were easy to pick up—they stuck to shoes and clothing—soon there was a discordant medley. “I hate rubber bands,” Dor muttered.

  Bink came up against a clump of big-leafed plants. They bore fruit that hung down and pointed up. “Eat me!” the fruit begged.

  Tipsy reached for one. “I am suddenly hungry,” she said.

  Bink stopped her. “Wait till we get out of the comic strip. Those fruits will drive you crazy.”

  “Why? What are they?”

  “Bananas.”

  Meanwhile Fiona had brushed a huge toad. “Oooo, I'm going to fight the whole world!” she cried, looking for a weapon.

  Dolph grabbed her and looked at her hand. “I thought so: you've got warts.”

  “Let go of me!” she raged. “I have battles to fight.”

  But Dolph got a piece of cloth and scrubbed at her hand until the warts came off. Then she relaxed. “Those were WARts,” he explained. “They make you go to war.”

  “Oh,” she said, abashed.

  Tipsy saw a nice-looking pillow. “Maybe I'll sit on that and rest,” she said.

  “First let me check,” Dor said. “What are you?”

  “Sit on me and find out!”

  “Don't get fresh with me. What are you?”

  “Awww. I'm a pun cushion.”

  “I don't think you want to sit on that,” Dor told her.

  Bink kept his mouth shut, though he was curious what would have happened. It might have made jokes about getting to the bottom of things. Or bad smelling puns might have erupted beneath her.

  The far side of the comic strip was close. They lunged for it, but a nasty little canine creature growled and menaced them. “Pay no attention to it,” Dolph said. “That's a pet peeve. My sister Ivy used to have them all the time.”

  They charged by the peeve and burst out of the strip. They were in sad shape, with their clothing stinking wet and torn. The three girls had their hair straggling in assorted tangles, and their faces were smudged.

  “We need to get cleaned up,” Fiona said. “I see a pool over there.”

  “Why clean up?” Dor asked. “This is only a dream.”

  The girls circled a glance that said “Men!” Then Fiona spoke again. “All the same, we want to be clean—in and out of the dream.”

  “That's a cess pool,” Dolph said innocently.

  Fiona looked as if she had gotten another wart. But Tipsy spied a better prospect. “There's a well.”

  They considered the well. “What kind of well are you?” Dor asked it.

  “Midas well,” it replied.

  “Might as well,” Dolph agreed, and started lowering its bucket so as to haul up some water.

  But Dor was more cautious. “What does your water do?”

  “If you touch it, it turns you to gold.”

  Suddenly the girls lost interest in the well. “But we still must clean up,” Fiona said desperately.

  Then Bink saw a big bow. It had huge pretty colorful loops of ribbon, and several big arrows. “I believe that's a rain bow,” he said. “That should do it.”

  He picked up the bow, and fitted a white arrow to it. “I forget which color does what,” he said, “But we can try them all.” He looked at the girls. “You'll need an enclosure.”

  “Why?” Davina asked.

  “So you won't freak us out as you strip to wash.”

  She nodded. “Point made. If you freaked out, we might be stuck here with no escape. But what is there to make an enclosure?”

  “What is there?” Dor asked the surroundings.

  “Ahem.” It was an oval sign:

  “Content ahead?”

  “Go find out,” the sign said.

  So they walked in that direction, and found a huge tent made of corn. It had a number of sections, and it was possible to draw on the corn silk strands to open the top to the sky. “This will do,” Davina said. “It's corny, but sufficient.”

  “But there's no water,” Fiona protested.

  “The rain bow arrows will make rain,” Bink explained. “I'll fire them over the tent. Just say when.”

  The three entered the tent. In a moment items of their clothing were strung up over the edge of the enclosure. “When!” Davina called.

  Bink fired the white arrow. As it passed over the tent, a sprinkle of rain came from it.

  “Is that the best you can do?” Fiona called.

  Bink fired the blue arrow. A mild shower descended.

  “That's better,” Davina said. “But we could use more.”

  So he fired the red arrow. A wild torrent poured from it. “Eeeeek!” the three cried. “It's cold!” One of them jumped so high that enough of her showed to put a temporary freak on Bink's left eye. Dor and Dolph were watching too, but neither complained. Bink wondered which one they had seen. It wasn't the kind of thing he felt free to inquire about.

  Soon they were done. Their clothing remained wet, but it was clean.

  “Now it's your turn.” Fiona said. “We'll fire the arrows.”

  So the three kings had to go in and strip, and soon they were drenched by the rain arrows. But they got clean. They put the wet clothing back on and emerged.

  Tipsy looked at them. “That's better. Now we can meet the princes.”

  Davina turned to Dor. “The next comic strip we come to—fly over it!” she said severely.

  The men smiled. The point had been made.

  They got their direction and resumed travel. When they came to the next comic strip boundary, they made sure of their direction and then Dolph changed form and carried them all over it.

  Finally they came to Prince Town. This was protected by thickly tangled ivy vines, some of them leagues long. Dolph flew them over, and they landed in a nicely laid out pattern of streets, buildings, and parks.

  “Girls ahoy!” someone shouted.

  Immediately they were surrounded by princes. They ignored the kings and focused on the women. But soon that focus narrowed to Davina and Fiona; dull Tipsy had been tuned out.

  She rejoined Bink. “Even in a dream, I can't get the attention of a prince,” she said with resignation.

  “But you're a fine person.”

  “I think we've already been over that.”

  “A problem has occurred to me,” Dor said. “How can living Xanth women marry dream princes? The two realms don't overlap in reality.”

  “That bothers me too,” Bink said. “I was hoping we would figure out a way.”

  “I can think of something that might work,” Tipsy said.

  They turned to her. “If you can do that, we'll be in your debt,” Bink said.

  She smiled sadly. “But you can't marry me, even if you wanted to. So forget it. Here is my notion: maybe we don't need to have the realms overlap. All we need is to have plenty of that dreaming potion, so the women of the Isles can visit Prince Town whenever they want. They can marry princes here, and do whatever they want with them, and when they want to rest, they can simply wake up and be where no man can bother them. Most of them would appreciate that, though they wouldn't say so in mixed company.”

  Dor nodded. “That sounds good, for the women. But wouldn't the princes object?”

  “I think they would be glad to see the women any time the women appeared. Apparently they are a long way from Princess Town. And they probably need time for their studies. So they might like half time too, especially sinc
e the women would be coming with romance in mind. I understand that men do have other interests, like jousting and gambling and watching nymphs run, that they don't necessarily care to share with women.”

  Bink nodded. “Astute assessment. Let's put it to the princes. Would they like part-time marriages to lovely women?”

  They discussed it with the princes, and it turned out that the princes were indeed interested, provided they got to pick the women themselves. Davina and Fiona already had commitments from suitable princes. In fact they were not yet ready to wake; they had hot dates in mind.

  So Tipsy Troll returned with the three kings. They simply went outside of Prince Town, held hands, and concentrated on waking up.

  They woke in the retention pool. Davina and Fiona remained asleep. But Tipsy was able to make the report. “In short,” she concluded, “every woman can have a prince in a dream marriage, without leaving the Isle. The princes are eager to meet all of you. All you need is the sleep potion and a place to lie down.”

  The others were not convinced. But they released the three kings to roam the Isle while the matter was being settled. When Davina and Fiona woke, they would compare notes.

  But Bink hesitated as they departed the pool. “What of you. Tipsy?” he asked. “There doesn't seem to be much for you in Prince Town.”

  “There's not much for me anywhere,” she said sadly.

  An idea had been simmering in the background, and now it moved hesitantly forward. “Would you consider marrying a non-prince?”

  “I'd marry anyone who wanted me. But no one does.”

  “How about a man who molds things into other things?”

  “Sure.” It was significant that she didn't qualify her agreement, or ask whether the man was handsome or nice.

  “I know a man who wants a wife. In fact he agreed to tell us something we want to know, if we bring him a wife from the Isle of Women. His name is Phil Istine. He's not a prince.”

  “But he wasn't thinking of a troll.”

  “But I think he might settle for one, with a bit of management.”

  “All right.”

  “Then stay with us. We must find Breanna and make sure she's all right. Then, when the women are satisfied with the dream princes, we can leave the Isle, and take you along.”

  They set off on the path toward the house Breanna had entered. But before they had taken many steps, there was Breanna herself coming toward them.