Zombie Lover

by Piers Anthony

  “Some things take time,” Millie said. “I did not understand zombies at first. Maybe Chameleon does not.”

  “Could be,” Dolph agreed. He turned to Breanna. “Do you want to see the rest of the castle?”

  “I am curious,” Breanna said. “If it's not too much trouble.”

  “I will be happy to give you a tour,” Millie said. “I don't see many living women here.”

  “I guess you don't.” Breanna agreed half ruefully. She glanced at Dolph. “You won't mind waiting?”

  “Go ahead,” he said. “I'll tell Jonathan about your experience with the werewolf.”

  “Thanks.” Breanna looked as if she were suppressing a grimace.

  The old woman and the young woman went off. Dolph turned to the Zombie Master, who was looking at him with a question mark. “We encountered a zombie werewolf coming to the Isle of Wolves. Breanna used to be scared of zombies, but once she worked it out with King Xeth she defends them. She got the werewolves to accept a zombie.”

  “Oh, that would be Stigma. He had hoped to be with his own kind. But often there can be prejudice. How did she do it?”

  “She kissed him on the mouth.”

  “But he doesn't have any lips.”

  “She kissed his teeth, I guess. It was a nervy thing to do. After that they couldn't deny him. They were shamed into it.”

  “She must be more of a person than she looks.”

  “I think so. She can be feisty and blunt, but she means well, and she learns from experience. After that, she was curious about Castle Zombie, so I brought her here for a visit.” Dolph paused, then remembered something else. “She is more than she looks. Justin Tree is with her.”

  “Justin Tree! But isn't he firmly planted in the North Village?”

  “Yes. But he craved some human adventure, so made a deal with Breanna. He shares her adventure, in exchange for his good advice. So she has the advantage of a truly mature perspective.”

  “Interesting things are happening. I would never have thought of that.” The Zombie Master changed the subject. “Have you learned who is to be married at Castle Roogna? We received an invitation, and will attend but we wonder.”

  “No word yet.” Dolph said “We're trying to help the Werewolf Prince Jeremy find his true love, so that we can get back in time for that ceremony But it’s not going well. He is cursed not to know his true love until she comes to him, but she doesn't know it either, so won't come.“

  “That is a bad curse,” the Zombie Master agreed.

  “I understand that the Curse Fiend Woman who made it was really angry. She wanted him to truly suffer, and she succeeded.“

  The women returned “It's such a lovely castle,” Breanna said “Millie showed me everything.”

  “It was nice to have an appreciative audience,' Millie said “You must stay for tee and crumples.“

  It was now full night “I think we had better get back to the Isle of Wolves before we are missed,” Dolph said with regret.

  “We can wait a little longer,” Breanna said

  So they stayed for the refreshment, and it was good. Breanna asked for the recipe, and Millie gave it to her. Then at last they departed.“They're really nice,” Breanna said. “I'm glad we visited.“

  “To fly at night, I must assume another form,” Dolph said “It may not be as comfortable for you.”

  “That's okay I needed to unwind, after—after Stigma. This worked just fine.“

  Dolph became a large night hawk She made herself halfway comfortable in his talons, and he launched into the night sky. His vision in this form was excellent.

  “Oh, look—there's Xeth and Zyzzyva walking south,” Breanna said.

  He looked down, and sure enough, there they were. He had forgotten that her talent was to see in darkness. Obviously it was a good one.

  They reached the Isle of Wolves, which did not seem to fade out the way the other isles did. Maybe they could relate to it because other members of their party were there. It would have been real mischief, otherwise! Dolph glided in for a landing near the grove set Breanna down, and changed back to manform.

  “Thanks Prince Dolph,” she said “I needed that break.“

  They walked into the grove, and found the others sleeping Prince Jeremy was in wolf form, and Jenny Elf was snuggled against his side, and Sammy Cat was snuggled against her side. Bink and Dor were nearby, with their own beds of funk. Funk had turned out to be good material for doing nothing on.

  Rather than disturb the others, they shaped their own beds and lay down. The night was warm, so they needed no covers. In a moment Dolph was asleep.

  Chapter 13

  LOVE'S LABORS

  Jenny woke to find the others sprawled across the glade, on beds of funk. The funk didn't smell bad anymore; her nose had gotten used to it.

  Today they had to find Jeremy's perfect woman, so he could be happy and focus on training for the werewolf kingship, and so the three kings could return to Castle Roogna and rehearse for their roles in the big wedding. The womenfolk, who paid much more attention to such things than menfolk did, were getting frantic.

  Her eye fell on Breanna of the Black Wave. The girl was impetuous and assertive; Jenny liked that. She and Dolph had disappeared in the evening, so as not to interfere with the practice; Jenny wondered where they had gone. She would ask when they woke.

  Meanwhile, Jenny and Jeremy would go to the Isle of Women, because there were many women there who were looking for princes, and he hadn't been there before. So that was the most likely place he would find his true love. She and the others would try to coach him through the interviews. With luck, they would have success. Otherwise—

  She didn't finish the thought. They had to get him settled. Not just because they had business elsewhere. Because he was a nice wolf under an awful curse. Jenny was especially sensitive to the problems of wolves.

  “Say, maybe Sammy could find her,” Jenny said aloud, seeing her cat. “Sammy, where is Jeremy's True Love?”

  But Sammy simply rolled over, asking to be stroked. Jenny did so, sighing. Sometimes he was like that. He could find anything except home, but he had to want to. Evidently he didn't care about this case. He was no longer a young cat, and had less energy than in times past.

  Then she thought of something else, so obvious she marveled that it hadn't come up before. The Good Magician! Jeremy could go to him to ask about his true love. It would cost him a year of service, but it would be worth it, because it would get him the rest of his life happy.

  The wolf opened his near eye. “Oh, did I wake you?” Jenny asked, feeling guilty.

  He changed part way: just his head. “Your thoughts did. The Good Magician? Do you really think he could do it, despite the curse?”

  “Yes, he can find the answer to anything. I don't think any curse could stop him. So I think that if you don't find your true love today, you should go to him.”

  Jeremy nodded. “I shall do so. You folk have given me hope, and now you have given me the way too. I thank you for both.”

  “You're welcome. But maybe you'll be able to save that year, by finding her today. I understand there are many beautiful women on the Isle of Women.” Then she thought of something. “But if they have all found dream princes now, maybe they won't be interested. Including your True Love, if she's there.”

  “I think a woman should prefer a real prince to a dream prince, if she has a choice,” Jeremy said. “If she doesn't, then she's not the one for me.”

  Jenny smiled. “Maybe she would prefer to take both. One for her waking hours, the other for her sleeping hours. Would that bother you?”

  Jeremy pondered. “I don't like to seem jealous, but yes, it would. I think that my dream woman should love me completely, as I would love her, and not be interested in anyone else, awake or asleep.”

  Jenny nodded. “That makes sense to me. You don't want the wrong woman; the right woman wouldn't want the wrong man, either. So if she's there, she'll welcom
e you. I hope she is and does.”

  The werewolf prince smiled. “Thank you. But there is also one big problem. They don't let any prince off their isle unless he marries one of them. That's why I never went there before. I knew that if my ideal woman were not there, they would force me to marry a non-ideal woman.”

  “But they can't make you marry one you don't want to!”

  “Oh, they can, they can. They have ways.”

  “I don't see how. I mean—”

  Breanna sat up. “They do have ways, Jen. The three kings would never have escaped, before, if Bink hadn't figured out a better alternative for them. He sent them to look for princes on Ida's moons.”

  “Oh, those! There would certainly be princes there!”

  “There are. But to visit them, you have to be asleep. So if one of the Isle of Women, women is right for Jeremy, she'll probably be satisfied to be with him instead of with one of the other princes.”

  “I should hope so!”

  Breanna looked suddenly stricken. “I just thought—suppose his ideal woman is on those dream worlds?”

  For an instant Jenny felt panic. Then it passed. “It doesn't matter.”

  “Doesn't matter!”

  “Because every person who ever lived in Xanth, or ever will live, or ever might live there, is in those worlds. That includes the ones who are in Xanth now. So of course his ideal woman is there. But she must also be here in Xanth. Because why would the Curse Fiend Woman bother to curse him if it were meaningless? She knew that there is a perfect love for him here in Xanth, so she cursed him to stop him from getting her.”

  Breanna pondered, then nodded. “That works for me. So she is accessible, if we can only find her in time. And I agree: the Good Magician should know. He solved my problem—not in the way I expected, but just as good, really—and he can solve Jeremy's problem. So let's give it one whale of a try today, and if that doesn't work, take him to the Good Magician. That will take care of him, and the rest of you will still be able to get back home in time for your big event.”

  Jeremy changed all the way, and stood up. His clothing came automatically with his human form, fortunately. Such things varied; some shape changers, like the naga folk, had to don their clothing each time they changed. “It sounds good. But what way do you have to get me off that isle unmarried, if we don't find her there?”

  Breanna glanced at Bink, who was just waking up. “I'm sure there will be some way.”

  Jenny wasn't satisfied. “It's risky. We need to be sure, before going there. Otherwise he might be forced to marry the wrong woman, and right after that the right one could turn up. That would really crown the curse.”

  “She's right.” Jeremy said. “I think I would be better off not to risk it. I can go directly to the Good Magician. It is better to pay a year, than to risk a lifetime.”

  Breanna shrugged. “Sometimes things you never thought of turn up to change things. Like the lip bomb.”

  “Like the what?” Jenny asked.

  “Oh, you don't know about that? I'll show you.” Breanna delved into her clothing and found a packet. She opened it and dipped her finger into its red paste. She spread that on her lips. “I wonder if this works on same-gender kisses?” she said musingly.

  “On what?”

  “Let's find out.” Breanna approached Jenny, and without further warning, kissed her on the mouth.

  Jenny was so astonished that she almost fainted. Her mouth erupted into a shower of candy kisses. She seemed to be floating on a warm sea of rose petals.

  “What was that?” she asked as she wafted to the pleasant shore.

  “I detonated some lip bomb on you,” Breanna explained. “It has quite an effect, doesn't it?”

  Jenny wiped off her mouth as her heartbeat settled back toward normal. “Yes. Don't kiss me again.”

  The girl laughed. “For sure not! I'm saving this for a boy. When. Eventually.”

  “I wonder whether that would help me find my woman,” Jeremy said.

  “No,” Breanna replied. “Because it's artificial. You don't want to trick a woman, or force her; you want her to come to you, naturally. Lip bomb is more like effect without substance.”

  Jenny had to agree.

  Suddenly the duck-footed boat waddled into the glade. “All aboard.” it said. “Now's the time.”

  “But—” Jenny started to protest.

  “It will be all right,” Bink said, climbing in. “They let us go before.”

  “But you made a deal! Jeremy isn't part of that.”

  “Sure he is,” Dolph said. “He's with us now.”

  “But the risk—” Jenny looked at Breanna. “You're a woman. You must have some sense. If that island is a man trap—”

  “It's okay.” Breanna said, helping Jenny into the boat.

  “But—”

  Jeremy shrugged. “They want to do it,” he said, climbing in. “So let's do it.”

  Frustrated, Jenny gave up and got into the boat. She hoped that the others knew something she didn't. But she didn't trust their weird confidence. There was more than a whiff of a hint of disaster in the air.

  The boat moved out of the glade, through the trees, and onto the beach. It plunged into the water and moved swiftly for the neighboring island.

  “Who arranged this?” Jenny asked.

  “I did,” Dor said. “Last night, after we decided to try the Isle of Women.”

  “But we hadn't considered the risk then.”

  “I think it will be all right.”

  Jenny shut up. Sometimes the logic of men escaped her. But why did Breanna also agree to this risk? She at least should have more sense.

  Soon they came to the Isle. The boat ran up on the land, making its way to the duck pond in the center.

  There was a crowd of beautiful women. Chief among them was one in indecent bra and panties. Naturally all four men went immobile as their eyeballs locked into place. They would be no help.

  “So you return,” the woman said.

  “Hello, Voracia,” Breanna said. “You know the three kings and me. The others are Jenny Elf and Prince Jeremy Werewolf. We need to discover whether his ideal woman is here. Presuming that you women remain interested.”

  “Yes, we all have dream prince boyfriends now, but we want something for our waking hours too. We don't want to dream our lives away.”

  “We figured as much. But first you'll have to turn off your clothing.”

  “Oh.” The woman's apparel became a halter and shorts. These remained somewhat too suggestive for Jenny's taste, but at least the men were able to draw their eyeballs away with only slight sucking sounds.

  “Let's just stay in the boat,” Breanna said. “While you parade your women by. We hope that one of them will be the one.”

  The boat, agreeing, relaxed. It sank slightly in the water, its feet moving just enough to keep it stable. Jenny knew, because she peeked over the edge.

  “But that's not the way we operate,” Voracia said. “We each must get our turn to fascinate him.”

  “You can do that right here.”

  Voracia shrugged. “Very well. I am first. How do you like me, Jeremy?”

  The werewolf eyed her thoroughly. Jenny could appreciate why. Voracia had the kind of face and figure Jenny knew better than even to dream of. “You look very interesting. But my concern is not how you look, but whether you are my true love. I will know only if you approach me, speaking love.”

  “I can do that,” she said. She walked toward him, her hair flowing, her halter jiggling, her shorts tightening and moving most suggestively. Jenny was privately jealous, being forcibly reminded that her own body would never fill out clothing like that, or move like that. So she would never be able to fascinate a man in that manner.

  “I love you. Prince Jeremy Werewolf, and want to marry you.” Voracia said dulcetly as her clothing turned translucent. Jenny was jealous again: she could never lie like that, either. Oh, the woman surely wanted to marry him, but how
could she love him, in just these few minutes? She just wanted to be a princess or queen.

  Jeremy shook his head. “You are not the one.”

  Jenny was privately gratified, though she knew she shouldn't be. It was just that she thought that things like bulging halters and semi-see-through shorts should not decide a lifetime relationship. What about character9 Compatibility? Harmony of lifestyle? Would Voracia even want to associate with him when he was in his wolf form? Yet the other women of the Isle might be no better.

  “But how can you be sure?” Voracia said, her halter shrinking so that her bosom had to struggle to stay partly inside. “Come out of that canoe and join me, and I will show you such a good time.”

  “I don't want a good time. I want my one true love.”

  Her expression became less pretty. Her upper garment assumed the likeness of brands and brass knuckles, which Jenny realized made sense for a bra. “Then go soak your stupid head!” she flared, turning away. Her shorts condensed into a G-string so that her flexing bottom looked bare.

  Jeremy's eyeballs began to steam. Breanna reached out to put her hand before his eyes. That broke his connection before the orbs were cooked. “Thank you,” he gasped.

  “Others will try something similar,” Breanna murmured to Jenny. “Be alert, and rescue him quickly. I'm going to take a nap; it's my sleeping time.”

  The other women tried to impress Jeremy, flashing their charms and speaking lines of love, but one by one he turned them down. Some were gracious, some not. Some cried. Jenny saw how guilty that made the werewolf feel, but he would not accept any wrong woman. It was clear that he was both decent and a person of conscience, and this was not the delight it might have been for another man.

  Jenny saw that the three kings, bored, were joining Breanna's snooze. Apparently the sheer amount of curvature being exposed had worn down their freakout circuits, and of course they had seen it before, when they were the ones being tempted.

  “I am Polly Tician,” the current woman was saying. “I love you. Prince Werewolf, and will make you happy for the rest of your years, with two carts in your garage.”