Tom Bites Back

by Steven Banks

  HALLOWEEN COSTUME PLAN

  Dress up as Vincent Van Gogh for school-day costume contest.

  Impress Art teacher, Mr. Baker, by being his favorite artist, and get a good grade in his class.

  Impress Annie by dressing up as her favorite artist.

  Win Best Costume Contest, because Mr. Baker is one of the judges and so is Mr. Kessler, who wanted to see something “new and different.”

  Not look like a Vam-Wolf-Zom at school for once.

  * * *

  Mom got excited when I told her about my idea that night.

  “Van Gogh! I love it! He’s my favorite artist.”

  She had a green coat that looked just like the one in the painting. It was a woman’s coat, but I didn’t care, it looked perfect. Later that week, she found an old hat in a junk store and dyed it blue. We put a piece of blue fake fur on it, so it looked exactly like Van Gogh’s.

  I needed to get a pipe and a red beard. I decided to wear a beard, even though he didn’t have a beard in the painting, because it would make me look older and more like Van Gogh. This is called artistic license.

  Mom made Emma take me to the Halloween store that Saturday. It’s a giant store that sells masks and costumes. She wasn’t very happy about it.

  “Am I Tom’s personal chauffeur now?” she moaned. “Why do I have to take him?”

  “Because it would be a nice thing to do,” said Mom.

  “Great!” said Emma. “Should I go around and ask every kid in the neighborhood if they need a ride to the Halloween store?”

  “That would be very nice, Emma.”

  “I was kidding!”

  “I know,” said Mom, handing her the car keys.

  * * *

  Emma complained the whole time she drove me to the store.

  “I can’t believe I am doing this!”

  I decided to change the subject. “What are you going to be for Halloween?”

  “Lucas wants us to be a disco couple.”

  “They’ll probably have that at the store.”

  “Yeah, and it’ll probably cost a fortune.”

  We parked and walked toward the store entrance.

  “Okay,” said Emma. “You’ve got five minutes to get your junk, then I am leaving.”

  I could spend a whole day in that store looking at everything, but I was with The Worst Person to Take You to a Halloween Store. They have a million masks and costumes hanging all over the place. We walked in and Emma saw a Cleopatra costume.

  “I would look so good in this. And Lucas can be a mummy.”

  Emma checked out the price.

  “Oh my God, this is so expensive!” said The Queen of Complainers.

  They make the employees at the Halloween store wear costumes so people will want to buy them. One of the workers, a big guy in a ninja mask and costume, looked up and yelled at us.

  “Hey! Can’t you read, kid!”

  He pointed to a sign behind the counter.

  DO NOT TRY ON MASKS!

  “Take off that mask right now or you gotta buy it!”

  I started to say, “It’s not a—”

  Emma interrupted me and said, “Shh!”

  She turned toward Ninja Guy and gave him one of the most intense glares I’ve ever seen. It was like she was going to chop his head off. Then, she walked over and got right in his face.

  “It’s not a mask, you freaking idiot!”

  I couldn’t believe she yelled at him. Especially about me. She never does stuff like that. The guy got flustered.

  “Oh. I-I didn’t…” He looked over at me. “Are you that Vam-Wolf-Zom kid?”

  I nodded.

  Emma pointed her finger about three inches from his face. “You have just entered a world of trouble!”

  “Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

  “Where’s your manager?”

  “Please don’t call my manager,” he begged.

  “I am so calling your manager!”

  “No, no, no! Please don’t!”

  Emma put her hands on the glass counter and leaned forward.

  “Okay, Mr. Ninja…. Are you going to give us a fifty percent discount on what we buy today?”

  “What?! I can’t do that!”

  She turned around and said, “Where is the manager? Can someone get me the manager, right now?”

  Ninja Guy freaked out. “Okay, okay! But I can only give you a twenty-five percent discount. That’s what they give employees.”

  Emma’s voice got quiet.

  “Listen to me…carefully…. Because I am only going to say this once: You are going to give us a fifty percent discount or I am calling your manager…and the newspaper…and the TV news…and the police…and have you arrested for Vam-Wolf-Zom shaming.”

  Ninja Guy gulped. “Okay…. I’ll give you fifty percent.”

  She smiled. “Thank you. Where are your beards and pipes?”

  He pointed, and it looked like his hand was shaking. “Aisle two.”

  We walked down the aisle. You could tell that the other employees were afraid of Emma. They stepped back when we walked by.

  “Thanks, Emma,” I said.

  “What?” she snapped. “I did it for the discount on my Cleopatra costume.”

  I think she did it for me too. Sometimes Emma is nice. But only about two or three times a year.

  A girl in a pirate costume was taking rubber brains out of a box and putting them on a shelf.

  “Excuse me?” I asked. “Do you have any red beards?”

  She looked up and said, “Arrgh, matey! Are ye going to be a salty old pirate, now? Sure, ye be coming to the proper place then, laddie! Will ye be needing a hook and eye patch and hat and scabbard, me bucko?”

  You could tell she liked her job.

  “No,” I said. “I’m not going to be a pirate. I’m going to be Vincent van Gogh.”

  Her voice changed to normal. “That is so awesome! I love Vincent van Gogh. He is, like, my favorite artist.”

  He seemed to be a lot of people’s favorite artist. Pirate Girl found me a red beard and a plastic pipe.

  “You should carry a sunflower too! He loved sunflowers.”

  She found a fake, plastic sunflower for me.

  “Okay, come on, let’s go,” said Emma impatiently.

  Mr. Ninja gave us the fifty percent discount. We saved a ton of money.

  “Uh, sorry that I thought you had a mask on,” he said.

  I shrugged. “It’s okay.”

  As we left, Emma glared at him one more time.

  33.

  Who Are You?

  Finally, it was Friday morning, the day before Halloween. I decided to carry a paintbrush and a palette, one of those roundish, flat wooden things artists squeeze paint on. Emma had one when she thought she was an artist for a week and made those pathetic flower paintings.

  I put on the jacket, the hat, the beard, and the white bandage over my ear and went down to the kitchen to show Mom and Dad. I couldn’t see myself in the mirror, so I had to ask them how it looked.

  Dad put down his cup of coffee when I walked in and said, “Don’t look now, but Vincent van Gogh has just walked into our kitchen.”

  “Tommy, you look fantastic!” said Mom.

  “Seriously, you’ve got a shot at winning that contest,” said Dad.

  I knew Mom and Dad would say something like that, but Emma would tell me if I actually looked good or not. That’s one thing she’s good at.

  “How do I look, Emma?”

  She looked at me for two seconds.

  “Good.”

  That’s a huge compliment coming from Emma. I decided to add some blood (Emma’s red nail polish) to the bandage. There wasn’t any blood in Van Gogh
’s painting, but he did cut himself, so there had to have been some blood. And it made the costume feel more like Halloween. And maybe Mr. Baker would think it was more realistic and give me first place in the contest.

  * * *

  Zeke and I got on the bus in our costumes.

  “Looking good, Speedster!” said Bus Lady. She called me Speedster because of the time I ran faster than the bus so I could catch it. “You’re that Van Gogh dude.”

  I always knew she was a smart person.

  She looked at Zeke. “Are you The Evil Easter Bunny?”

  “No. I’m Randee Rabbit.”

  “Whatever you say. Take a seat.”

  We walked down the aisle past kids dressed as Star Wars, Harry Potter, and superhero characters, three pirates, two cheerleaders, and a kid dressed as a piece of bacon. He made me hungry.

  Nobody knew who I was dressed as, but I didn’t care. I wanted to see what Annie and Mr. Kessler and Mr. Baker, the costume contest judges, would say.

  When I saw Annie on the bus, I thought she was dressed up as Abraham Lincoln. She had on a black suit with a long overcoat, a beard, and a black top hat, and for some weird reason she was holding a pole with a little sword on the end. Then I noticed she had a thing on her left leg that make it look like a wooden leg.

  “I didn’t know Abraham Lincoln had a wooden leg!” said Zeke. “Excellent!”

  “He didn’t,” said Annie. “I’m not Abraham Lincoln. I’m Captain Ahab from Moby Dick. He was captain of a whaling ship. This is my harpoon.”

  Moby Dick was a ginormous book she had read, even though she didn’t have to read it for school. I got worried. The judges might like her costume. It looked amazing.

  “Tom, your costume is incredible,” Annie said.

  “Thanks.”

  “What do you think of my costume, Tom?” asked Capri.

  She was dressed like a hippie, with a colorful shirt and fringe vest and jeans. She had daisies in her hair, a headband, and a lot of necklaces. On her vest were buttons that said “Peace” and “Love” and “No Global Warming.” The judges might like her costume too, because some of them were old and could have been hippies. She looked like a picture of Gram when she was a teenager.

  “Capri, you look like my grandmother,” I said.

  “What?!”

  That didn’t go over too well. I tried to tell her it was a compliment, but she didn’t believe me. I just meant she looked like a real, authentic hippie.

  Zeke said, “I’m Randee Rabbit.”

  “We know,” said Annie and Capri at the same time. They remembered his costume from the year before and the year before that.

  That’s when Tanner Gantt got on the bus.

  The whole bus went dead silent.

  For the first time, he was wearing a costume.

  34.

  Breaking the Rules

  Tanner Gantt was wearing a Dino World baseball cap, with a picture of a T. rex playing a guitar on it, that said “Dinosaurs Rock.” Just like the one I’d worn the second day of school, after I found out I was a Vam-Wolf-Zom. He had white makeup on his face, sunglasses, plastic fangs in his mouth with blood on the tips, a pair of wolf hands with claws, and two furry ears. He was holding a plastic bloody arm, which he was pretending to eat.

  Tanner Gantt was dressed up as me.

  I have to admit it was an amazing costume. Had he put the whole thing together by himself? How much money had he spent? Or had he gone to the the Halloween store and shoplifted everything?

  Some kids on the bus started laughing and looked at me. Tanner Gantt walked down the aisle and smiled.

  “Guess who I am?”

  “Somebody stupid!” said Zeke.

  I couldn’t believe Zeke said that. I also couldn’t believe that Tanner Gantt didn’t punch him.

  “You’re right, Zimmer-Dork! It is somebody stupid, and you’re sitting right next to him!” Tanner sat down in the row across from us.

  “Not funny!” said Annie from behind me.

  “Oh yeah, Barstow? Then why is everybody laughing?”

  He had a point. A lot of kids on the bus were laughing.

  “Why are you dressed up as Abe Lincoln, Barstow?”

  “I’m not talking to you,” said Annie.

  Tanner Gantt smirked. “You’ve got a stupid costume too. But not as stupid as yours, Zimmerman. Why do you wear that same lame bunny outfit every year?”

  “He’s a rabbit, not a bunny!” said Zeke. “You’re going to get in trouble. Principal Gonzales said no vampires or werewolves or zombies!”

  Tanner Gantt smiled. “Yeah. I know. But, I’m not a vampire or a werewolf or a zombie. I’m a Vam-Wolf-Zom.”

  Technically, that was true. I was impressed he’d thought of that. But I bet they’d still make him take it off.

  “And who are you supposed to be, Farts? Some pirate that got shot in the ear?”

  “He’s Vincent van Gogh,” said Capri. “One of the world’s greatest artists.”

  “He looks like The World’s Greatest Lame-O.”

  I didn’t care what Tanner Gantt said. I wasn’t going to look lame when I won the contest.

  * * *

  When we got off the bus at school I saw Abel in his suit and tie, carrying his briefcase, like always.

  “Good morning, Mr. Marks. Or should I say, ‘Mr. Van Gogh’? Your costume is quite clever. I would venture to say you have a good chance of winning the costume contest.”

  “Thanks. How come you’re not wearing a costume?”

  He smiled. “I am.” He pulled a pair of dark glasses out of his briefcase and put them on. Then he put an earpiece in his ear, with a curly wire that went into his pocket. “Secret Service agent. Guarding the president.”

  A bunch of kids were crowded around Dog Hots in front of school. He was dressed up as Frankenstein’s monster. It was an incredible costume. His face was greenish gray and he had a realistic-looking scar on his forehead and bolts in his neck. He looked like the monster in the old black-and-white movie that Gram and I have watched a million times.

  The makeup was good, but Dog Hots sort of looks like Frankenstein’s monster anyway. He’s got a big head and a gigantic forehead. And he’s tall too. Dog Hots would probably win first place in the contest. But maybe I’d at least get second place or third.

  “Awesome Frankenstein costume!” said Zeke.

  I corrected him. “He’s Frankenstein’s monster, he’s not Frankenstein. That’s the name of the doctor. Who did your makeup, Dog Hots?”

  “My mom’s girlfriend. She’s a professional makeup person,” said Dog Hots.

  Personally, I think that’s cheating. I thought about saying something to the judges but decided not to.

  * * *

  Principal Gonzales was standing at the front entrance, making sure everybody followed the costume rules. I couldn’t wait for him to see Tanner Gantt. It didn’t take long.

  “Tanner Gantt! Get over here!” said Principal Gonzales, as soon as he saw him. “You can’t wear that. No vampire, werewolf, or zombie costumes allowed.”

  Tanner Gantt looked over at me for a second and grinned. “But, sir, I’m a Vam-Wolf-Zom. That’s different. The rules don’t say we can’t dress up as a Vam-Wolf-Zom.”

  Principal Gonzales shook his head. “You can’t wear that, Tanner.”

  “But I didn’t break the rules!”

  “You’re dressed as a fellow student.” He pulled out the rules sheet and read it. “ ‘Costumes may not make fun of any group or individual.’ ”

  I smiled.

  Then, Tanner Gantt smiled, which is never a good sign, and pointed at me. “What about Tom? He’s breaking the rules.”

  “How?” said Principal Gonzales.

  “He’s got excessive blood and he’s got a pipe. You ca
n’t have pipes at school.” He pointed at the rule sheet. “No prohibited substances or paraphernalia.” Then he pointed at Annie. “And she’s got a weapon.”

  Principal Gonzales looked over at us. “Annie, Tom, and Tanner come with me.”

  “It’s not a weapon, it’s a whaling tool!” said Annie.

  “If you’re a whale, it’s a weapon,” said Principal Gonzales.

  We followed him to his office. As we passed Dog Hots, Principal Gonzales said, “Great Frankenstein costume!”

  I was going to correct him but decided I probably shouldn’t.

  35.

  Second Offense

  Tanner Gantt, Annie, and I sat in the principal’s office. It was my second time there in two months. Annie didn’t seem very upset. I couldn’t figure out why. There was another kid with a fake knife through his head and one with a bloody chainsaw, and an eighth-grade girl wearing pajamas.

  Principal Gonzales pointed at each of us. “Quentin, get rid of the knife in your head. Gunnar, leave the chainsaw here. Sinclair, have a parent bring you other clothes. Tom, take off your bloody bandage and get rid of the pipe. Annie, leave the harpoon in here and pick it up after school. Tanner, take off the furry ears, the fangs, the white makeup, and the hat…and leave the arm here.”

  Everybody started to do as they were told, except for Annie.

  “Stop, you guys! We don’t have to change,” she said.

  “Miss Barstow, I don’t think you want to push this issue,” said Principal Gonzales.