Wishful Thinking

by Evangeline Anderson

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Swann? Hey, Swann?”

  Phil looked up from the patch of asphalt next to her Volkswagen to see her best friend running towards her. Even in her distressed state, she couldn’t help noticing that he moved very gracefully for such a tall guy. She was also relieved to see that Josh was carrying several bags in one hand and one of them was her purse. She’d been in such a hurry to get out of the BB&D building that she’d completely forgotten about it. So for the last fifteen minutes she’d been pacing beside her car in the hot parking garage, trying to work up the nerve to go back for it. But after that scene with Dickson she hadn’t felt able to face any of her coworkers again. Not today, anyway.

  “Hi, Bowman,” she said listlessly as he jogged up to her and handed her the purse.

  “Thought you might need that.” He smiled at her but there was a concerned look in his deep brown eyes. “Hey, Swann, you wanna tell me what’s going on? I heard through the grapevine that you yelled at Kelli and Alison, and some of the other paralegals were saying that you told Dickhead Junior where he could put it during your review.”

  “I didn’t yell at them,” Phil mumbled, looking at her feet. “I told Kelli to shut up and called Alison a slut. Oh, and I think I threatened to trash Alison’s car if she parked in my spot one more time.”

  Josh broke into surprised laughter and raked a hand through his thick brown hair. He was wearing a dark blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up, exposing a few inches of tan skin on his wrists. “Damn, Swann! And the thing about Dick Junior?”

  Phil sighed. “That’s true too. He…” She peeked up at Josh, but glanced away quickly. “He told me that I’d had three complaints filed against me and hinted that if I was willing to…to sleep with him…” She was unable to go on. “I’m sorry, it makes me nauseous just thinking about it.”

  “That asshole.” Josh’s voice deepened and she thought she could see his biceps flexing beneath the blue shirt. Suddenly he seemed twice as large. “I’m going to give him more than a virus this time,” he growled. His brown eyes were flat and cold and Phil thought if Dickson Junior could see him at that moment he would run away with his tail between his legs.

  “No, Josh—don’t.” Phil put out a hand to stop him. “Don’t go all alpha male on me. Bad enough I got my own self fired. I don’t want you to lose your job too.”

  “Phil, don’t you know the only reason I stay in this job is—” Josh broke off, shaking his head.

  “What?” Phil looked at him, a feeling of unease plucking at her frayed nerves. “Josh, are you trying to tell me something? You’re not…you wouldn’t stay here just because…because of me, would you?” It sounded so ridiculous leaving her mouth that she wanted to unsay it at once. They were best friends, but of course Josh wouldn’t stick around in a dead end job for her—that was well above and beyond the call of friendship. Wasn’t it?

  Josh looked at her for a long moment, his full mouth still tight with anger and his deep brown eyes full of indecision. At last he let out a breath and she was relieved to see his fists unclench. “Now why would I hang around this dump just for you, Swann?” he asked, trying to grin. “I mean, you’re a great friend and all that, but you have to know I’m sticking with BB&D for all the intangible benefits—like seeing my coworkers in their oh-so-fashionable swimwear at the beach party.”

  “Of course.” Phil laughed uneasily. She had a feeling that a very awkward scene had narrowly been averted and she didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. “Too bad you’ll have to watch the parade of bathing beauties without me this year.”

  Josh looked surprised. “Oh—you’re not fired. No way can you get out of here that easily. I mean, you have to go to an HR review tomorrow, but you didn’t lose your job.”

  “Yet,” Phil said morosely. “Dickson’s cousin is the head of the BB&D Human Resources department. That’s one reason I never complained about him before.”

  “Doesn’t matter.” Josh frowned. “Go in there and tell it like it is, tomorrow. You think you’re the first person to make a complaint against Dickhead Junior? They’re a law firm, Swann. They know you could sue and what it could do to their rep. Doesn’t matter how inbred the damn BB&D staff is, they’ll have to take you seriously.”

  “You think so?” Phil lifted her head, feeling a glimmer of hope.

  “Sure I do,” Josh said gently, giving her a more genuine grin. “You’ll probably have to answer for telling off Kelli and Alison too, but what the hell—they had it coming.” He cleared his throat with a low rumble. “There was, um, I mean, I did hear one more thing though…about, uh, what’s his name? The dark-haired lawyer that Alison’s always hitting on?”

  “Oh.” Phil felt miserable all over again. “Davis Miles.”

  “Yeah, uh…” Josh sounded uncomfortable. “Now this is crazy, but you know how office gossip is. I heard that you, uh, asked him to, uh, to take off his clothes.”

  “No, I didn’t,” Phil protested. “I only said I wondered what he looked like naked.” She could feel her cheeks burning with shame. “And it wasn’t because I really wanted to see him, uh, you know, naked. It was just…haven’t you ever looked at a pretty girl and thought that she’d look good without her clothes?”

  Josh coughed into his hand. “Uh, sure, Swann,” he said, looking uncomfortable. “But ya know, I try not to tell her, I mean, them to their faces. That’s usually the kind of thought you want to keep to yourself.”

  “Well that’s just it. It’s, well…it’s really hard to explain.” Phil crossed her arms over her chest and looked up at him, wondering how much about her bungled wish the FG’s magic would let her tell. She would have to phrase things carefully or Josh wouldn’t hear anything but a buzzing sound.

  “Try.” Josh frowned slightly. “I’m listening.” And, as always, Phil got the feeling that he really was. It gave her hope that she might be able to find a way to make him understand.

  “See, lately I have this…this thing where everything I’m thinking seems to come right out my mouth,” she said hesitantly.

  “Go on.” Josh motioned for her to continue.

  “No matter how insulting or inappropriate it is—it just pops right out,” Phil said. He was getting it! She could tell by the look on his face. What a relief to be able to explain to someone. “It’s almost like having Tourettes Syndrome. I can’t stop it, I just—” She broke off, her eyes widening as a new thought occurred to her.

  Josh was her best friend—the one person in the world she didn’t want to drive away. Up until now she’d been so preoccupied with the office debacle that she hadn’t had any embarrassing thoughts to reveal. But what if she thought and then said something so awful he never wanted to talk to her again? At this point she didn’t know what might come out of her mouth. Phil froze, her mouth still open.

  “What? What is it?” Josh leaned forward, one large hand out as though to take her arm.

  Phil backed away from him. “Look, Josh, no offense but I have to go. I can’t… I don’t want to say…” Please don’t let me say anything to hurt him! Please don’t let me say anything that will ruin our friendship!

  “What?” You don’t want to say what?” He followed as Phil backed away, her sensible black pumps scraping against the concrete of the parking area.

  “Josh, please!” Phil was feeling desperate now. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. “Please,” she said urgently. “Just go! I’ve told off or offended everyone in my life today. I don’t…I don’t want to drive you away, too.”

  “Is that all? You think you can get rid of me by telling me to fuck off like you did Dickhead Junior?”

  “I didn’t say I wanted to tell you to…to do that,” Phil said. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb… “I just, I don’t know what I might say. And I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to lose your friendship. Please, Josh!” She had backed all the way around he
r car now and she was leaning on the bug’s passenger side door, clutching her purse and looking up at him appealingly. If only he would leave her alone before she said something that would damage their friendship irreparably.

  “Phil, don’t you know nothing you could say would make me want to stop being your friend?” Josh stopped in front of her and crossed his arms over his broad chest. There was amusement but also concern in his deep brown eyes. Phil could see herself reflected in their depths, looking like a frightened rabbit. “Okay,” he said, “Come on, hit me with your best shot.”

  “What?” Phil was still trying to keep the nursery rhyme lodged in her brain but it was breaking up. Mary had a little…a little…a tall, sexy coworker. No, that isn’t right!

  “You heard me.” He had a serious look on his good-natured face now. “Give it to me with both barrels. I want you to say whatever comes to mind about me and I promise not to be offended. Nothing off limits, just go ahead and get it over with.”

  “Josh, please don’t make me.” Phil felt like she was going to cry. Mary had a little lamb was dissolving into a senseless blur of syllables. Soon her traitorous thoughts would begin leaking out.

  “I can take it,” he said. “You want to tell me I’m a pig or that I need to shut up or—”

  “You smell really good,” Phil heard herself say as the wish took over. “And I love your laugh—it’s all deep and rumbly and it makes me feel warm just to hear it. And when we talk, I always feel like you care about what I have to say.”

  “I do.” He gave her that charming, lopsided grin that had drawn her to him from the start. “That’s all you got? Gotta tell you, Swann, so far I’m not impressed.”

  “I like the way you touch me,” she went on, helpless. “You’re always so gentle and your hands are so big and warm…” Oh God, this was so inappropriate. She was probably making him horribly uncomfortable.

  Josh had an odd look on his face, but all he said was, “Go on.”

  “I…I think that’s all,” Phil said with relief. But then a little voice in the back of her brain spoke up. The dream? What about the dream? But that was definitely out of bounds—far past the invisible barriers Phil had always kept between herself and her friend.

  “I had this dream about you once,” she heard herself say. “About us, actually.”

  He cleared his throat. “Do, uh, do you want to tell me about it?”

  “No,” Phil moaned. “But…but I can’t help it. I…I…” She bit her lip, but it was no good. “I was sitting in a chair, in my dream, I mean. And you came up behind me and reached around and started stroking me…my…” She gestured helplessly to her chest. She could feel herself sweating beneath her white silk blouse.

  “Okay, so I was uh, touching your breasts?” Josh raised an eyebrow and cleared his throat.

  Phil nodded. I’m embarrassing him, and humiliating myself. He doesn’t want to cross the line either! And yet she couldn’t stop. “And then we were suddenly in…in bed. You know how that goes with dreams where suddenly you’re someplace different than you were a minute before?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “So we were in bed, uh, naked and…and…And you were kissing me. We…were kissing each other.” Phil felt like her face might set fire to her blouse. What would Josh think of her when she was done? “We…you…were touching me again. All… all over.” Phil swallowed. “And your hands felt just like they do in real life—big and warm and gentle. And I was…I was…” She felt like she might strangle on the words. She was gripping her purse so tightly her knuckles were white. “There was…was more but mostly I remember that then you were…on top of me. And I was…I was saying, was begging you to…to…to…And you did and it felt so…so…”

  “So we made love?” Josh asked gently, interrupting her halting words.

  She nodded, grateful to him for summing it up so neatly. “Yes! God, I’m so sorry, Josh. I can only imagine what…what you must think of me now.” She put a hand over her eyes, her purse still gripped tightly in the other. Tears of humiliation were wetting her hot cheeks and she was actually shaking with shame. Could this stupid wish get any worse?

  “Hey, come on, now, Phil. It was just a dream.” Josh pried her hand away from her eyes and lifted her chin. “Seriously, don’t cry,” he said softly.

  “I can’t… I can’t believe I told you that.”

  “Hey.” He tried to smile. “Did it upset you that much to have one X-rated dream about me?”

  “No.” Phil bit her bottom lip, anxious to make him understand. “It didn’t upset me to have it. But…but…you’re my best friend, Josh, but there are some things we just…we don’t talk about. You know what I mean.”

  He nodded and rubbed his chin, making a faint sandpapery sound as his fingers brushed over his five o’clock shadow. “Yeah, I know, Swann.” He took a step forward and looked at her intently. “There’s a lot that’s unsaid between us,” he said, his deep voice dangerously soft.

  “There is,” Phil agreed. She could feel a current of barely grounded electricity flowing between them. “I mean…I never…I would never want to make you feel uncomfortable. I don’t want you to feel around me the way I feel around Dickson when he starts talking nasty and trying to cop a feel.”

  The tension abruptly lessened as Josh let out a surprised snort of laughter. “Is that what you think? Listen, Phil, believe me, you don’t have to worry that you make me feel the way you feel about Dickhead. I promise you that.”

  Phil swiped at her eyes with a shaking hand. She was relieved that they had kept the invisible barriers between them intact—barely. “So you don’t think I’m some kind of pervert?”

  Josh laughed again. “Hardly. You can’t help what you dream. I’ve had some pretty, uh, interesting dreams myself from time to time.”

  “About me? I mean, us?” Phil asked before she could stop herself. “No, wait, forget I asked that. I’m sorry.”

  “Apology accepted,” Josh said with a grin. “Now, come on, get yourself together and let me take you out to lunch.”

  Phil took stock of herself. She was sweating and trembling and she still had tears on her cheeks and a lump in her throat. “I’m sorry, Josh. But I’m not in any shape to be seen in public. I don’t want to go out to a restaurant right now.”

  “Who said anything about a restaurant?” He took her hand, twining her fingers through his, and led her through the parking lot to where his car, a blue Toyota Hybrid, was parked. “I’m talking about a picnic al fresco.” He held up the other bag he had been carrying and Phil saw it was his lunch bag. “I was just going to lunch when I heard the office scuttlebutt and came out to give you your purse.”

  Phil tried to smile. “Are you sure you want to have lunch with a mouthy bitch like me?”

  He grinned. “Absolutely. So what do you say, Swann? I’m inviting you to lunch at Chez Bowman. It doesn’t have much atmosphere but I promise you the ham and cheese sandwich is divine. Five star cuisine all the way.”

  “I say…yes.” Phil grinned at him, feeling a deep relief flood through her. She had said the worst, most embarrassing things her mind could come up with and Josh hadn’t been offended. He still wanted to be around her. After the way everyone else had reacted to her birthday wish, it was wonderful to know that at least one person in her life didn’t want to ditch her for speaking her mind.

  “Great.” Josh opened the passenger side door and helped her into the car with a smile. “Let’s go to lunch.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  They drove to the park but it was too hot to sit outside in the Florida summer sun. Phil was already feeling wilted from her fifteen minutes in the hot parking garage and she had cried most of her makeup off. So they parked in the shade of a large natural oak tree with streamers of Spanish Moss dripping down from its branches and ate in Josh’s car. He kept the air on low and after a while, Phil began to feel more like herself.

  “Okay, let’s see what’s on the menu today.” Josh reached for
his refrigerated lunch bag and unzipped it with a flourish. Besides the ham and cheese sandwich he had promised her, he had a bag of chips, a grape soda, and an apple. There were no plates, but he had several paper towels and Phil spread one primly over her lap as she ate her surprisingly tasty half a sandwich.

  “You were right,” she said, taking a potato chip from the bag that was open on his knee. “Five star cuisine. This sandwich is really good.”

  “It’s the mustard that does it,” Josh said modestly. “I buy it in a little gourmet shop around the corner from my apartment. Made with only the finest mustard seeds and dry white wine. Imported directly from France, I believe, because the name on the bottle is French’s.”

  “Bowman!” Phil slapped him on the shoulder with her free hand. “You had me going for a minute there. And I suppose the ‘little gourmet shop’ around the corner from your apartment is a 7-Eleven?”

  “It’s a Shop Kwik, thank you very much. And I buy all my high-end groceries there.” Josh grinned at her. “Thirsty?” He opened the bottle of grape soda and offered it to her.

  “Thanks.” Phil took a sip and smiled as the sweet fruity flavor filled her mouth. “You know, I haven’t had grape soda since I was a little girl.”

  He grinned. “I drink it by the caseload. My one vice. Well, you know, besides the cloning farm I keep in my spare bedroom.”

  “Uh-huh. And what have you cloned so far?

  “Well…” Josh took another drink of grape soda and handed her the bottle. “I started on mice and I’ve been working my way up the evolutionary ladder. Eventually I hope to clone myself so one of me can go to work and the other one can just goof off and have fun all day. Of course there are the obvious drawbacks to having a clone of yourself.”

  Phil raised an eyebrow. “Well, it would be the ultimate in identity theft.”

  “Huh-uh.” Josh gave her a lopsided smile. “Nope, hadn’t even considered that. Actually, I was thinking more about the inevitable fights with my clone over who gets to wear the special pair of jeans that make my ass look hot. You know, that kind of thing.”