Don't Tell My Secret

by Mark Stewart

  LILLY FELT too excited to sleep. She could hardly wait for Jack to step off the ship. Dressing before daybreak, she left the house at 6:00am. The morning air felt crisp. She suspected the temperature might steadily rise before it rained later on in the day. She didn’t care about the weather; all she wanted was to be walking next to Jack. He would help her to feel safe, dry and warm. Lilly even pushed the Old Clunker from her mind, if only for a short time.

  Lilly walked briskly towards the Port of Melbourne. By 6:30am she sat on the sand not far from the base of the pier searching the bay, watching for the first Navy ship to arrive.

  A woman about Lilly’s age, walking along the shoreline stopped to stare out across the peaceful water. She folded her arms tight. She didn’t know Lilly sat watching her. The dress she wore looked homemade; rough around the edges. Lilly wondered how many years it might take before the fashion changed from morbid dark to happier colours. Lilly shook the sand from her dress, strolling over.

  A short distance away from the woman, Lilly saw her sink to her knees.

  “Are you okay?”

  The woman looked up, nodding. “I take it you’re here to meet a ship?”

  “Yes I am,” replied Lilly. “What about you?”

  “I’m here for the same reason.”

  When the woman stood, her shoulders were down at the ends. She acted as though the whole world rested on her shoulders. The woman went to walk on, stumbling slightly in the soft sand.

  “You look cold. Here, have, my cardigan.”

  “Thank you.” The woman slipped her arms through the sleeves. Taking hold of the open edges of the cardigan, she dragged the thin material, so the edges overlapped each other. Again, she wrapped her arms around her. “Now you look cold.”

  “I’ll be fine, the sun will be up soon,” replied Lilly, thinking up a suitable reply.

  “You’re right about the sun. However, nothing will ever warm my chilled feelings,” moaned the woman.

  Lilly stared directly at her face. The stain from her tears gave away more information than she probably wanted to say.

  “Is your husband alive or dead?” asked the woman.

  “My Jack’s alive. He was wounded, but he’s alive.”

  “I have to go,” the woman whispered, turning her head away.

  “I’ll come too. If nothing else, it’ll save you from being by yourself.”

  “I’d rather be alone.”

  The woman picked up her pace. The narrow gap between the two grew rapidly. The gentle lap of the waves tickling the sand hardly made a noise. A seagull flew overhead towards the fishing boats being tied up at the pier.

  “I don’t mean to impose. The ship Jack is on won’t dock for a couple of hours yet. I wouldn’t mind talking to someone. It might help to pass the time,” hinted Lilly, running up.

  “I won’t be much of a conversationalist,” complained the woman.

  Lilly shrugged. “I don’t care if we walk in silence.”

  The woman flashed a half-hearted smile. “I apologize for sounding rude. Don’t think I’m trying to brush you away.”

  “I’d never think such a thing. I’m Lilly Barrett.”

  “I’m Martha Greene. I don’t want to spoil your moment. You deserve to see your husband.”

  “Aren’t you happy your husband will be home?” asked Lilly.

  Martha stood next to Lilly staring at the sand between her feet. “It’s a strange feeling knowing I can’t cry anymore. Does that make me a bad person?”

  “No. If I were to guess I’d say you’ve been crying most of the night.”

  “All night,” corrected Martha.

  “Is your husband coming home on the 8:00 or 9:00 o’clock ship?”

  “He’ll be here at 8:00 o’clock.”

  “I have to wait a further sixty minutes.”

  “I wish I were forced to wait,” croaked Martha.

  “I’d prefer to have Jack home at eight.”

  “No, you don’t,” spat Martha.

  “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “Did you read yesterday’s newspaper?”

  “No.”

  “Now I understand why you’re confused over which ship you want your husband to be on.”

  “What’s wrong with being on the first ship?”

  “It’s the dead ship,” replied Martha, abruptly.

  “Who’d say such a thing?”

  “The newspaper reported the soldiers or sailors who are on the first ship are all dead.”

  “You can’t believe everything you read. There must be some soldiers alive.”

  Martha’s eyes were cold. Her shoulders sagged lower. Lilly felt uncomfortable standing so close to the woman. In fact, she wanted to run. Get away.

  Looking directly at Lilly, Martha spoke in a long monotonous deep whisper.

  “I’m not particularly interested in any other soldier; my dead husband is in a box on the ship due to dock at 8:00am.”

  Lilly didn’t know where to look. A wave of guilt swept over her. She wanted to be happy Jack will be home soon. At the same time, she felt upset Martha’s husband will be arriving in a box. Lilly watched the woman bow her head before she shuffled away.

  “Why don’t we walk to the pier together?” called Lilly running up to her again. “I want to be standing next to you when your husband comes off the ship.”

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to feel guilty. It’s a part of life.”

  Lilly stopped walking, allowing Martha to keep going. Turning her head, Martha whispered.

  “I’d like it if you’d walk me to the end of the pier.”

  Lilly walked next to Martha. Strangers started flooding the end of the pier. Lilly saw a gap in the crowd. Taking Martha by the hand they squeezed through, ending at the railing. Both Martha and Lilly stared out across the bay in silence. There didn’t seem to be anything left to say.

  By 7:45am, the Navy ship came into view. The sea of faces swarming the pier seemed to be doubling every few minutes.

  It took fifteen minutes for the ship to dock. A gangway was wheeled into place bridging the gap between the ship and the pier.

  “Thanks for waiting with me,” said Martha. “I can’t avoid the inevitable. This part I have to do alone.”

  “I’d like to stay by your side until the end.”

  “I’ll be fine. Knowing your husband will be walking off the next ship gives me some comfort. I pray you have a good future, Lilly.”

  Martha walked off to the other side of the dock, mingling amongst the other widows. Lilly sighed heavily at the morbid scene. Wives of dead husbands, children in tow all standing around staring at the ship, waiting to take their husband to the cemetery.

  When Lilly finally turned away, she spied the next Navy ship. It sat low in the water. Lilly pushed her way back to the railing so she could watch the ship creeping towards the dock. A gangway was pushed close to the edge in readiness.

  The large ship slowed. Its mighty engines were finally silenced. A sailor threw a thin rope narrowly missing Lilly before the worker on the dock gathered it up so he could drag the ship’s thick mooring rope towards the solid steel cleat. The ship was tied off, and the gangway wheeled into place. Before disembarking from the ship each sailor or soldier saluted then shook the hand of the Captain.

  Lilly overheard the person pushing the gangway; ‘the walking wounded was on this ship.’ She didn’t like the title. If her Jack was onboard the ship, she wanted to be the first person he saw.

  10:00 o’clock came and went. Lilly felt her emotions sink. She started to think if the list of names in the newspaper was even correct. She glanced across at the other ship. Maybe Jack was on that one. She witnessed Martha leaning over a coffin. A military man looked to be talking to her. Before she saw Martha step back so the coffin could loaded into a truck a different army truck blocked Lilly’s view. Feeling frustrated at losing sight of Martha she returned her attention to the ship in front of her. There were several large holes ne
ar the deck where paint was burnt off when she sustained damage. Then Lilly saw that the side railing had been torn away.

  Seeing more men limping through the open hatch, Lilly watched them salute the Captain. They turned and hobbled down the gangway to the arms of wailing women.

  Lilly spied a bearded man. His hair looked straggly. His uniform looked worn, even ripped in several places. The man saluted the Captain before shaking his hand. He walked slowly down the gangway, leaning heavily on his walking stick. Halfway to the ground, he stopped to study the faces of the ladies. He spied Lilly pushing her way through the thinning crowd. She waited at the foot of the gangway, looking up at Jack through excited eyes.

  “Jack,” she called.

  “Why did you come here?” he questioned the moment his feet touched the wooden dock.

  Lilly hugged his neck. “I wanted to welcome you home.”

  “I still remember where we live.”

  “I know. I wanted to be here for you.”

  “Before you ask, yes I’ve been wounded badly. I got a medal for being a hero. Big deal. They said thanks and gave me a walking stick for my heroism.”

  “I don’t care about the stick. I’m just happy you’re home,” sobbed Lilly. “Come on, let’s go.”

  “It’ll take us three hours to walk home,” whimpered Jack.

  “Good, it’ll give us a chance to catch up on what’s been happening,” replied Lilly.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she studied Jack’s face. He looked and sounded different. When he left her, he displayed a look of pride. He was a man with a goal. He knew what he wanted. Now he appeared to be a changed person. Lilly suspected the war had left him bitter, broken and cold. She saw him slouch over the stick. She heard him cursing each step he made. He seemed to have lost his patience, his will to be happy. He came across as a man who wanted to die.

  Lilly slipped her arm around his waist. “Let me help you,” she whispered.

  Pushing her away Jack growled. “You can help by staying away. Look at me. I’m a cripple. I’ll never work again. I’m worthless now.”

  “Don’t talk or even think such horrible thoughts,” croaked Lilly, choking on her words. “When we get home, you’ll be alright.”

  “I’m never going to be right.”

  “Jack, please, kiss me.”

  Glaring, he jeered at the command. He turned his head to stare at the ship. He seemed lost in his thoughts.

  “Jack, please, I love you, I’m here to help in any way I can. I’ve missed you so much. Jack, look at me. Say you love me. Kiss me. Promise you’ll never leave me again.”

  “I should have died out there. At least you could’ve met a man who has the full use of his legs.”

  “I don’t want anyone else. Jack, I want you. Take me home. I need you to make love to me.”

  Hesitantly Jack returned his stare to his wife’s face. Seeing the tears in her eyes, he caved in. He stepped closer allowing her to slip her arms around his waist again. Slowly he bent his head downwards. The moment their lips touched Lilly could feel they were cold, unfamiliar. She sensed they were lips that might never feel warm again. In a nightmarish way, they reminded her of Carlisle’s lips.

  Lilly and Jack walked slowly towards their home. Lilly quietly sobbed, wondering what on earth had happened to change her husband so much. She wanted to ask Jack a million questions. Thinking better of it, she knew they could wait for a later time. Instead, she held him tighter. Turning her head to hide her tears she mumbled.

  “In a few weeks, you’ll be okay.”

  Seeing a long wooden seat near the shops, they stopped for a rest.

  “Let me into your world,” whispered Lilly gently. By placing her hand on Jack’s arm, she hoped the act might reassure him. She gazed into his eyes willing him to shed some light on what happened.

  “I’m never going to tell you what I went through. You won’t understand. I saw things a person should never have had to see. I wish I’d joined my three mates when they jumped off the ship. They drowned four hours out from Melbourne.”

  “Don’t talk that way. I’m glad you didn’t. Give it a few weeks. You’ll get a job then things will be different.”

  Jack slapped Lilly’s hand away. “Can’t you understand nothing will ever be the same again? If I don’t use my walking stick, I won’t be able to go anywhere. If they didn’t confiscate my gun, I’d have killed myself.”

  “Please, Jack, I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Are you?”

  “Yes. I don’t care if you have to use a stick. There are men worse off than you. I met a woman today her name is Martha. Her husband came home in a box.”

  “At least she’ll get over her loss. Each waking moment you’ll see me for what I am; a cripple.”

  “You’re alive,” blurted Lilly. “It’s what I care about.”

  “What about work? We’ll be starving for the remainder of our lives. In a few years, you’ll be looking elsewhere for a man who will be able to support a family.”

  “We’ll manage. I’ve been working.”

  “No wife of mine is going to be working. I’ll be the joke amongst the men.”

  Lilly continued the conversation by speaking softly.

  “Two years ago, I started to think about what if you couldn’t work when you came home. I got an idea about starting a business. We can do it together.”

  “Don’t be stupid,” he spat. “The bank will never lend us any money. Forget it. Why even think up such nonsense.” Jack scanned the shops. Spying the doors to the pub opening, he glared at Lilly. “Got any money?” he growled.

  “I have some from the lolly business I’ve started. Jack, they’re selling. I’ve scrimped and saved enough cash to go into full production. I thought I’d have to buy the old bullet making machine. Jack, I got it for nothing. It’s at our place right now. There’s enough surplus money left over to buy the ingredients to make at least a thousand lollies.”

  Jack started to laugh. The gargle made Lilly cry. Leaning on his stick, Jack managed to stand. Hovering over Lilly, he held out his hand.

  “Give me the money.”

  “No. I’ve saved hard so we can have a future.”

  “There is no future. I’m going to the pub. Give me the money,” Jack demanded.

  “Our future isn’t, you, going to the pub to drink away the pain. You’ll be dead long before your pain goes. If you listen to me, we’ll have a future.”

  Jack raised his hand. He looked more than willing to slap Lilly across the face. She glared at him, hurt and dumbfounded that he would even raise his hand, let alone act like he might hit her at any moment.

  “Give me the money,” he growled.

  Lilly bowed her head. She loved Jack, but there was no way he’d get her money so he could drink it away. Finally, she lifted her head and stared at him through her tears.

  “I’m scared of you,” she whispered.

  “Good. Give me the money.”

  “No. What are you going to do, hit me? Is that what you want to do for my disobedience?”

  Jack raised his hand higher.

  “Go on. If it makes you happy, hit me. You fought the enemy. The war is over. If you want to put it all behind you, I’m not the one you need to fight. I want my old Jack back.”

  “He’s gone. He’ll never be back.”

  “I don’t believe you. Jack, you’re not the only one who struggled; I’ve struggled too.”

  “You don’t know the meaning of the word.”

  Lilly slowly stood. Jack pushed her to the ground next to the seat. Leaning over her he spat at her face.

  “Give me the money.” Bending, he reached for his wife’s throat.

  Lilly just managed to slide backward out of the way and jumped to her feet.

  Jack glared up at her. Leaning on the walking stick, he slowly straightened.

  Lilly’s tears were flowing, staining her cheeks. Jack glared at her through cold, wild eyes. Again, he reached out for her mo
ney. Lilly pushed his hand away. Again, he raised his hand to hit her.

  “Okay, Jack, you win.”

  Lilly pushed her hand into her skirt pocket. Taking out two pounds, she dropped the money on the ground.

  Jack reached down to take it.

  Lilly slammed her foot down on his hand. “Before I give you what little money I have, I’m going to have my say.”

  He stared up at her with murderous eyes.

  “If you take the money across the road and drink the lot, just so you can piss it out against a wall, go right ahead. I’ll be a good wife so you can brag about how good you have it when you’re drunk. I’ll cook, and I’ll clean. I’ll let you screw me. I’ll raise our kids. My lolly business will be a success. The money you’re about to take from me is all you will ever get. You want money, find a job. For your information, Jack, I know what it takes to survive. I’ve done things I should never have had to do. So, don’t you ever come crying to me that I’ve no idea what you went through. Stop for a minute and think about what I might have needed to do. You step inside the pub, you’ll always be there. You will never be a husband to me.”

  “What did you have to do?” questioned Jack.

  “I vowed to someone I’d never tell anyone our secret. I’ll keep my vow to the grave. It’s your choice. Me or the pub.”

  Lilly took her foot off Jack’s hand. She turned her back on him and started to walk home. Jack stood watching her leave, expecting her to turn and run back. The moment Lilly turned the corner Jack hobbled towards the pub. He opened the door and entered the building, mingling amongst the other sailors.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN