Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  The whole time, I’d never considered it could have been him, because out of stupidity I’d assumed he’d died.

  “I could spend the rest of my life apologizing to you and it will never be enough.” I hated myself for what I’d done. Bobby had been a mistake from the beginning. I can’t believe that I’d let myself fall for him and considered having his child. The thought made me cringe. “What if we don’t work out? What then?”

  “First of all, I’ve already forgiven you, at least for the Brooklyn part. Now, me being a guy, I can see where you’d think that Bobby was a good catch. He seems nice on the outside and, given your circumstance, I can understand how him offering to take care of you was a good idea. What I don’t understand is how you could let someone physically hurt you more than once. That is what bothers me. It’s the only thing that I can’t let go of, especially since I’ve spent my whole life looking out for you.”

  “I’m weak. Losing you broke me. Knowing what we could have been shattered my soul. Once I knew I’d made a horrible mistake, I just ran. I didn’t stop driving until I was sure that I wouldn’t be found. Facing any of you would have been impossible. I thought I had things under control, but I started getting sick and then I discovered I was pregnant. I know my decisions were prompted by desperation. I’ll admit to that. I’ll also admit that after time, I developed feelings for Bobby; feelings that may or may not have blinded me from a lot of things. The problem with falling for someone else was that I knew I was letting you go. When I thought you’d died, I snapped. I think a part of me died with you that day, even though you obviously weren’t dead. I gave up hoping and settled for what I already had. Was it a mistake? Probably. At the time, I didn’t have many options.”

  “Not until I showed up,” he added.

  He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers. They fit perfectly together, as if they were made to be connected.

  I squeezed his hand and looked up at him again. “When I found out you were alive, I didn’t even tell him. I ran right to you. I had to see you, to touch you and know that it was real. You can’t imagine what I went through. I was miserable. It was hard to even take care of B. My heart hurt for her never being able to know you. I couldn’t let go, because I wanted to believe that someday we’d be together. I’ll always run to you, Brooks. It’s why I know that this time is different. Our time apart taught me that my life is nothing unless you’re in it. B needs her real father, not a replacement. She needs to grow up understanding what real love feels like. I will do anything to make what I did up to you and prove that no matter where I was, or who I was doing it with, I never gave anyone my whole heart. I fell in love with you when we were children and it’s never gone away.”

  He laughed and looked right at me. “Me too.”

  I shook my head and smiled. “No, I think I even remember the exact moment. We were all three in the tub together. I guess we were around five. I’d asked my mother if she’d stop making me take baths with you two, because Branch made fun of me all of the time. Remember he used to point at me and laugh because I was different?”

  Brooks smiled and pulled me closer against his chest. We both looked over to make sure B was still sleeping. “Yeah, I remember. He only picked on you, because he liked you.”

  “Don’t take up for him.” I slapped him lightly on the chest. “Anyway, this one time he said I was ugly. It made me cry. You pushed him against the faucet and it cut his back. He got out crying and ran and told on you. Then you looked right at me, as innocent as it probably was, and told me-” He cut me off before I could finish.

  “You’re pretty to me. That’s what I said, wasn’t it?”

  I couldn’t believe he remembered it after all of the years that had passed. “Yes.”

  “Well, you were always pretty, until you hit puberty. Then you became beautiful.”

  His words took my breath away. I looked right at him and saw him smiling and I began to cry. “I don’t deserve you.”

  He ran his hand through my hair as he spoke. “You know, Kat, I told my Mom once that I was in love with you. I think we were around ten and we’d all three been up in the tree house playing. You had those Barbie’s up there and Branch kept throwing them out and making you climb down and get them. About the third time he did it, I grabbed his arm and yanked it until he cried. I remember him running to tell on me and when Mom asked me why I did it, I looked right up at her and said ‘because I love her’. I think my mom always knew that it had never gone away. She even suspected something the night of our first kiss, or maybe my brother ran in and tattled about what we were doing. She kept giving me an evil eye all night, silently accusing me of something. Maybe I just felt like we’d done something naughty. At any rate, she knew how I felt about you. So did my dad. He pulled me aside when you started dating Branch. He told me that there were plenty of other girls out there for me. He didn’t get that I didn’t want any other girls. It’s the reason I started bringing random girls home. Part of it was because I thought you’d get jealous and want me instead of Branch. The other part was because they both pulled me aside and asked me if I was okay with you being with him. I couldn’t admit that I wasn’t. Mom made a huge deal trying to keep me occupied while you were doing your own things and making out with Branch. Finally, I knew they wouldn’t stop until I showed them that I didn’t care. It wasn’t always an act. Some of those girls were fun.” He started laughing, knowing he’d gotten to me.

  “I guess I deserve that.”

  “Stop. Kat, no matter who I was with, in my eyes, they were always you. Besides, I wasn’t innocent. I lost my virginity to a girl who didn’t even know it was me. You could hate me forever for that one alone, but I went and did it twice, because I couldn’t say no to you. I couldn’t go and get Branch, when I knew I could be what you wanted. I used to dream that halfway into it you’d say you knew it was me the whole time. I was pretty messed up.”

  “You know, the first time, it was only my second time. It’s probably why Branch didn’t even understand what I was talking about. I wasn’t running around sleeping with your brother. It took me a long time to do that. Maybe I always knew that it wasn’t right.”

  “Damn, if I’d have known that I probably would have told you, seeing as I know I was better. I watched a lot of porn while you were out with my brother. You can learn so much if you turn the volume down and fast forward through the story part.”

  “Eww, don’t tell me that.”

  He laughed. “You should see the collection we had overseas. It gets real lonely.”

  I decided to nix the conversation before I learned even more that I didn’t want to know.

  “I wish we could go back.”

  “Don’t,” he said as he kissed the top of my head. “We’re here now. All of that bullshit that we’ve gone through has only made what we have stronger. I’m not living in the past, Katy. It’s time to move forward. I’ll be by your side if you want to divorce Bobby. If you’re not ready…”

  “Not ready? It should have never happened. I think everyone is forgetting that I didn’t marry him because I wanted to. I married him because I was out of options. Bobby was good to me for the most part, but I will definitely be divorcing him, the sooner the better.”

  “Just checking. So, about the plan. Will you go along with it?”

  I placed my hands on his chest and leaned my chin on them. “I’ll do whatever you want me to, Brooks.”

  He raised his brows. “Don’t tell me that. I’ll start making lists.”

  I reached down under the covers, first touching his thigh and then what was waiting in between. He got ready to say something else, when we heard someone climbing off the bed next to us. Brooks noticed her first. He held out his arms for her to climb up and join us. “There’s my girl. Come up here. Let’s get Mama.”

  She jumped up, already fueled with energy. I removed my hand and pulled the covers up over my body, so she wouldn’t see that we weren’t dressed. Brooks offering to tell
his parents that he knew about B would definitely make me feel better. Then all I’d have to feel guilty for was leaving Branch at the alter after sleeping with Brooks.

  They were still going to hate me anyway.

  The most important thing was B’s safety. As long as we had a home to sleep in until I could figure things out, nothing else mattered. Even if they hated me, they’d love her.

  Chapter 42

  Pulling up in front of the house that I’d grown up in was bittersweet. My parent’s house next door was for sale again. Brooks got out and stretched before getting B out of the little back bench seat. Our eyes met before we walked up the sidewalk and he came around to take my hand. “We’re in this together, Kat.”

  I was scared to death to see these people and even more concerned about life in general. With so much on my plate I worried if visiting them was even a good idea.

  Brooks knocked on the door, and when I heard footsteps coming I began to freak out. I started to back up, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me back at his side.

  The door opened and all eyes were on me. I couldn’t see what was happening, because Danica was already hugging me. “Katy, oh my God. I can’t believe it’s really you.” The tears were a given, and feeling her holding me made my worries all seem to begin to fade away.

  Then I heard her gasp. I turned to see her looking at B. She was clinging to the strings of Brooks’ army hoodie and hiding her face.

  Danica looked from me and then back to Brooks. He broke the silence. “Mom, I think you should let us in.”

  She backed up, while staring at our daughter. Once we got into the foyer, B turned and started looking around. That’s when she knew, without a doubt, that the child was a Valentine. “I’d like you to meet my daughter, Brooklyn.”

  The woman broke down, covering her mouth as she began to bawl. Brooks walked up and hugged his mother for the first time. When she pulled away, she just kept looking at her, crying. B swatted at her face. “No cry.”

  Danica smiled and dried her eyes. “Hi. I’m your grandma, Brooklyn.”

  “We call her B, so she doesn’t get confused when she hears my name,” Brooks explained.

  Then Danica turned to me. I was a babbling mess, trying to manage the feelings of betraying them and also the lies that we were about to tell. “I’m so sorry,” was all I could come up with.

  Then Walt walked into the room. He was looking down at his camera. “Sorry, I just needed to replace the batteries.” He looked up and saw us standing there, two women in tears, a son with a big smile, and a child completely confused.

  “Hey, Dad. Long time no see.”

  Brooks took my hand as he watched his dad look at B and then turn to me. Before he could ask, Brooks cleared his throat. “Look, we know we have a lot of explaining to do. Can we get settled for a while first? B needs a fresh diaper and I know she’s probably starving.”

  Danica took over, going into complete parent mode. “I’ve already made a turkey, and Dad got those sweet rolls you both love.”

  Brooks stopped her. “Mom. Breathe. I know it’s a lot to take in, but we’ll be here for a week, so how about we take a breather, go unpack and meet you in the dining room?”

  She nodded. “Okay.”

  B wanted to get down. She wriggled her way out of his arms and Brooks finally let her stand. She looked up at Danica and started swinging her body from side to side.

  Danica bent down to her eye level. “Do you want something to drink?”

  “Chocate mulk.” I laughed when I heard her respond.

  Danica smiled while tears still ran down her cheeks. “Well, okay. Let’s go see if we can find some of that.” She looked up at me. “Is it okay? I can change her, if it helps?”

  I handed her the bag. “Sure. Thank you.”

  Walt walked over to me. It took him a second, but then he pulled me into his arms. “Welcome home, Katy.”

  I clung to him, finally realizing that I never should have left. We were a family, after all, and we could have worked through things. “I missed you,” was all I could say. “I missed you so much.”

  I was crying so hard that Walt couldn’t let go of me. Brooks finally came up and patted me on the back. “Let’s go up and get settled.”

  I pulled away from Walt, feeling a little embarrassed. Then I saw the tears in his own eyes. “We really missed you. Both of you.”

  Brooks shook his dad’s hand. “I’m sorry it’s been so long, Dad. We just needed time.”

  I felt his hand grabbing mine as we walked up the stairs. When we got to the hallway he stood there for a second. “Yours or mine?”

  I shrugged. “Yours?”

  We went into his room, which was exactly how he’d left it. I sat down on his bed and watched him kneel in front of me. “How are you doing?”

  “They don’t hate me.”

  He placed his hands on my knees. “I know you’re freaking out. Close your eyes and breathe, Kat.”

  I did as he said and my breathing finally calmed.

  “Is it better?”

  I nodded. He stood up. “We should probably put B in your room. I bet Dad even has some of those things in the attic so she won’t fall out of bed.”

  “How can you be so calm about this?” It was driving me crazy.

  “Because they can’t change anything. We’re here and B’s here. It is what it is. It’s also the same reason that I came after you that first night. I couldn’t change what’s happened, but I sure as hell could change the future.”

  “You told me that we’d never be together.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “I said that so you’d push me away. If you were happy then I wasn’t going to ruin it for you.”

  “You’re unbelievable.”

  “I’d like to think I’m generous.”

  “Not fighting for me is stupid, plain and simple.”

  “It’s a good thing I didn’t have to. You came to your senses faster than I thought you would.”

  He leaned in and kissed me, so softly that it instantly became more. We went from sitting in front of each other, to him lying on top of me on his bed. My hands were under his shirt running up his warm skin. I wanted him to make all of my worries go away. Finally he pulled away, and laughed. “We need to go downstairs.”

  I grabbed him between the legs. “Are you sure?”

  Brooks stood up and readjusted himself, so his erection wasn’t as noticeable. I couldn’t stop staring at it and licking my lips. He pointed at me. “Stop it. You can have your way with me later. Right now we need to go downstairs and clear the air. You’re clearly stalling.”

  I rolled my eyes and held out my arms for him to pull me to a standing position. When I got up next to him, he brushed my lips with his thumb. I closed my eyes and whispered, “I love you, Brooks.”

  He kissed me one more time, passionately. “Not as much as I love you, Kat.”

  We changed our clothes since it was no longer chilly outside, and headed downstairs. Walt and Danica were sitting at the table with B. She was propped up with old phone books eating some cut up turkey. They both smiled when we came in. “Grab the mayonnaise when you walk by the refrigerator, will ya?” Walt acted as if no time had passed. I smiled and grabbed it, while Brooks sat down next to B. It was a little awkward sitting there in silence as they thought about what to ask us first.

  I knew they’d have one burning question and I was fully prepared to answer it. Rather than have them nervous about asking, I decided to just blurt it out. “She’s Brooks’ daughter. When I found out I was pregnant I had them check on the date of conception several times. I wasn’t with Branch at all the whole month of December. Brooklyn was born September 11th, if you need to check on the math.”

  Not only did I shock both Danica and Walt, but Brooks put his hand on my knee and gave me a crazy look. “Now that you know, can we talk about something else?”

  For a few seconds the room felt extremely tiny. I felt like the biggest idiot. “Sorry. I
know you were going to ask and I also know that Brooks and Branch have identical DNA. Anyone would want to know.”

  Danica reached over and smiled. “Katy, we weren’t going to ask.”

  I was confused. I’d been engaged to Branch and was claiming that one night with Brooks had gotten me pregnant. Anyone would question that. “I don’t understand. You’d just believe me?”

  Walt cut in. “We assumed Branch told you. When he proposed to you, we told him to tell you.”

  “Tell her what?” Now Brooks wanted to know.

  “Branch can’t have kids. He was born with a tumor on his testicle and they had to go in and cut out part of the tube that sends the semen into the penis. He’s sterile.”

  My mouth dropped. “He knew I wanted children,” I mumbled.

  Brooks started laughing uncontrollably. “That bastard. I can’t believe the levels he stooped to keep us apart. You’re telling us that he knew he couldn’t have kids?”

  “That’s exactly what we’re telling you, son,” Walt stated.

  Brooks grabbed two rolls and dropped one on the plate in front of me. “This day just keeps getting better.”

  I kicked him with my foot under the table, as if we were kids again. He was acting inappropriate and he knew it.

  “Sorry, we were just worried that you’d think we were lying to keep Branch from B.”

  Walt folded his hands. “I’m feeling a bit disturbed myself, Katy. It seems there’s a lot of things that Branch did that we weren’t aware of. If we would have known, we never would have let you accept his proposal.”

  Danica cut in. “Of course not. Katy, we knew how Brooks felt about you. I never could understand what made you pick Branch. I mean, I love both of my sons, but they’re very different. I should have said something back then, I suppose.”

  I placed both of my hands palms down on the dining room table. “Brooks and I have decided that we’re not going to dwell on what’s already been done. We can’t change any of it.” I looked at Brooks. Aside from his shoving half of a sandwich into his mouth all at one time, he was still smiling. “We just want to move forward, with our daughter and our future.”