Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  I was immediately overwhelmed with emotions. I didn’t want to die. After so much pain and suffering, after feeling like I’d never be happy, I had a beautiful daughter and a chance to be with Brooks. Though poetic, I couldn’t die yet. I had to fight for myself and that future that I could almost taste.

  While I waited for help to reach in and pull me out, my ears began to ring. Then I lost the feeling in the tips of my fingers, followed by my vision becoming blurred. I felt my hearing fading. Then everything turned to black.

  Chapter 51

  My eyes were heavy and I felt like I was ready to open them, though the voice talking had my attention.

  “Katy, please wake up.” I heard sniffles and recognized the voice. “I feel like this is all my fault. If I’d just been honest with you, you wouldn’t be here like this.” More sniffles. “They need you. He needs you. I’ve never seen him like this. They had to sedate him, Katy. He’s losing it, blaming himself for not following you. It’s like he’s dying without you.” Then I heard sobs. I opened my eyes, but saw that Branch’s hands were covering his face. “Just come back to us. I get it now. I see what I was never able to let myself see before. You were never meant to be my wife, because you were supposed to be my sister. You’ve always been his, even when you weren’t together. I’ll take whatever I can get as long as you wake up and come back to us. Brooks needs you. We all do.”

  I reached my hand over and touched his elbow. He looked over and seemed shocked to see me looking at him. “Still here.”

  He stood up and ran out of the room without saying anything to me. I couldn’t move to see if anyone else was around, and it scared me.

  At first, I had no idea how I’d gotten to the hospital. I remembered being in the pool with B and Brooks.

  Then it hit me. The moments played out in my mind, all rushing back at the same time. Danica came in with B in her arms. Walt followed behind her. I could tell that she’d been crying. It was impossible to smile, or even say much, so I accepted her hand when she reached to touch mine. “You had us so worried.”

  B was freaking out as she tried to get to me. “B.” My throat felt like I’d eaten sand. “Drink.”

  Walt ran out the door and came back in a few seconds later with a nurse. She asked the family to stand back while she checked out my vitals. “I’ll have the doctor come in and examine her and then I’ll be able to get her something to drink. Hang tight, Mrs. Parsons. The doctor’s coming.”

  My eyes must have popped out of the back of my head. She’d said my married name. Danica was still fighting with B to stay calm, while I tried to think of reason to explain why I’d lied to their faces.

  I could feel tears falling down my face as I silently cried to myself, knowing that I’d let them down again.

  The doctor came in, checking my sight, asking me questions, poking at my body, and finally ordering that the nurses get me more comfortable. I was relieved when he did the examination of my feet and I was able to feel both of them as well as my legs. The last thing I remembered was losing feeling in them.

  What made me feel even better was when the nurse came in with a cup of ice water and stuck the straw in my mouth. Immediately the dry pain went away, and I opened my mouth and was able to speak. “Thank you.”

  “How are you feeling? Do you have any pain in your neck?” The nurse removed the soft collar that was apparently keeping me from moving my head.

  “It’s stiff.”

  “Good. The x-rays didn’t show any damage.” She started moving the bed to recline my body and when she got to a certain point it became excruciating.

  “Ouch! It hurts.”

  She took my legs and put a pillow under my knees. “This should help. How’s that feel?”

  I noticed the immediate relief. “It’s better.”

  “You dislocated your hip and injured the muscles around it. It’s been reset, but the pain is going to last for a while.” She handed me the wand that was hooked to my bed. “This controls the television and a button to call for a nurse. If you need anything or experience any pain at all, just hit it and we’ll be right in.”

  As she walked out, I noticed that Danica and Branch had stepped outside of the door. As happy as I was to see their faces, I noticed that B was gone. When I tried to sit up it hurt too much, so I sank down in the bed. Then of course, I had to think of what to say to them. There was only one thing on my mind. “Where’s Brooks?”

  “Walt just went to get him. They gave him something to calm him down and it put him to sleep.”

  “What happened to him?”

  Danica came up to the bed and touched my hand. “I’m not going to ask you anything right now about it, but once you’re out of here I’m going to expect answers. As for Brooks, well let’s just say that when he found out you were gone he thought you were hiding again. He went inside without asking me if I’d seen you.”

  “By the time he did ask, that man had already taken you from the house. Brooks hopped in his truck and went after you. He arrived at the scene of the accident before we could catch up. You can imagine how it was for him, seeing the vehicle and the shape it was in. They’d already taken you by ambulance and were still working on your husband.”

  I cringed when I heard her call Bobby my husband.

  “Brooks rode in the ambulance with Bobby. He’d come to and was threatening you when they were loading him inside of it. The paramedic heard everything, thank the Lord, but it didn’t make what Brooks did okay. Apparently he went at him in transport several times, while Bobby continued threatening you and even B. The paramedic had to keep coming between them.”

  “I’ve never seen my son act violently, albeit no one had ever threatened his family before. Once they arrived at the hospital, they subdued Brooks and took Bobby to a room.”

  “We arrived a few minutes later when Brooks and the paramedic were telling their story to the police officer doing the report. Luckily, Bobby’s blood alcohol level was well over the limit and you’d been abducted. Taking that into account, and the fact that Brooks is an active duty officer, they weren’t going to look into it any further.”

  “I don’t understand why he’d need medicine.”

  “Katy, Brooks had a panic attack. He was having chest pains and felt like he couldn’t breathe, just like you used to have. They gave him something to calm down and it made him tired. He’s been in the waiting room sleeping for the past four hours.”

  “Is he okay?”

  Branch came walking up to the bed. “He will be when he sees that you’re alright.”

  “That doctor didn’t even say what was wrong. Why were you so upset earlier?”

  “They were worried about swelling on the brain. Apparently if you don’t wake up after a certain amount of time, it’s more likely that you’d have swelling. They told Mom that your head looks clear, aside from having this syndrome that makes you pick the wrong men and run away from your family.”

  I rolled my eyes and Branch started laughing. “Very funny.”

  He lifted my hand and kissed it. “You had us all scared. Just so you know, we could have taken him down. You didn’t have to leave the house. One scream and we would have kicked his ass.”

  I saw Danica standing there and felt so ashamed. “I didn’t want anyone to know about him. I just wanted to forget about him myself.”

  “We know what he did to you, Katy. Brooks told us everything. We know that man hit you.”

  I started crying, feeling like I was the stupidest person on the planet. “I know you won’t understand, but he used to be my friend. He helped me when I thought I was all alone. He knew how I felt about Brooks and said it didn’t matter, but when I couldn’t love him, he changed.”

  Danica came up beside Branch. “Katy, we’ll talk about it later. Right now we need you to recover. Your body is all beaten up and you’re going to be in a lot of pain.”

  I saw Branch start backing up away from the bed and I knew he was there before I even saw him. Dan
ica stopped talking and smiled as she backed up as well. Then I saw him, holding B with one arm as they approached the bed. “There she is, bug. Just like you said. Tell Mama hi.”

  “Hi, Mama.”

  “Hi, baby.”

  Brooks reached down and grabbed my hand. He immediately had tears in his eyes. “Don’t you ever do that to us again. My heart can’t take it.”

  I began to cry again. “I’m so sorry. I just wanted to get him away. I didn’t mean to cause the accident.”

  “What do you mean? Bobby was intoxicated; way over the legal limit. He shouldn’t have even been conscious.”

  “I hit him in the face with the bottle of bourbon. He was hurting me and threatening me, saying he was going to take B away. I just wanted him to let me go. I wanted it to stop.”

  “You stopped it alright, and almost died doing it. You weren’t even wearing a seatbelt,” Branch added.

  “I’ve got this, bro. Why don’t you take Mom for a walk and give us a minute?” Brooks looked at me the whole time he spoke and I didn’t like the look he had on his face.

  Branch and his mother left the room. When the door shut, Brooks pulled up a chair and let B down. He handed her a small bag of crackers and she was spinning around shoving them in her mouth.

  “You know I’m mad, right?”

  I shrugged and could feel the muscles in my body aching. “I had my reasons, Brooks. I didn’t want him in your parent’s house.”

  He closed his eyes like my explanation pained him or something. “Kat, I got out of that pool and B jumped back in. I had to retrieve her before I could get a towel and come inside to look for you. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I never assumed that Bobby had driven all that way to kidnap you.”

  “I’m sorry,” I cried. “I didn’t know what to do. All I could think of was getting him away from you and B. I knew she was safe, no matter what happened to me.”

  “Listen to yourself. What about me, Kat? Did you ever consider how you being gone would affect me? Do you even think that being without you again would kill me? We’re a team, remember? No more lies or secrets. You promised.”

  I shook my head. “I did what I had to do, whether you believe me or not. I wanted you to save me, but I didn’t have time to think about it. I had to get him away from our family.”

  “He could have killed you, Kat. Tell me something. Did those marks on your face and arms come from him, or the accident?”

  I cried more, knowing he was right. I should have called for help. I could have stalled him until Brooks came into the house. I should have done a lot of things different, especially the decision to marry him in the first place. “Please don’t hate me.”

  He squeezed my hand and looked right into my eyes. Tears ran down his cheeks. “Have you ever felt so happy that you’re almost wondering when something bad is going to happen?”

  I knew exactly how that felt, so I nodded.

  “Then you know what it was like to pull up to that accident and know that I could have prevented it.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  Brooks looked at B and then back to me. “It doesn’t even matter anymore. He won’t be bothering you again.”

  “Did he get arrested? Is he going to jail?”

  “He didn’t make it, Kat. He passed on during surgery.”

  I felt like my heart stopped beating. The room began to spin and my monitor starting beeping rapidly, setting off an alarm.

  This couldn’t be happening to me. Brooks had to be joking. There was no way that Bobby was gone. There was no way that I’d killed him.

  This couldn’t be happening to me.

  I was trying to get free, not end someone’s life.

  How was I ever going to live with knowing that I’d caused that accident? I’d caused Bobby to become the man that he was and I’d been the reason that he was lying in a body bag with no future.

  Chapter 52

  Suddenly my prognosis seemed irrelevant. I needed to know if I'd killed Bobby; if I'd killed my own husband who'd only put himself in the dire situation because of me. Just weeks ago we were seemingly happy, even moving forward with our feelings and our family. Being with Brooks had changed everything. It had destroyed a man's life and cost him his existence. All I could do was sob, not for the husband who'd become violent or possessive, but for me, the wife, that had caused his plummet and then eventual demise. I felt like my own devil, as if trying to justify what I’d done would only make that fact truer. I wanted to close my eyes and take it all back. I knew there could have been better choices that weren't made out of desperation.

  I could have been more understanding of his feelings instead of selfishly diving into something with Brooks and basically throwing it all in his face. I should have understood that his anger was out of being so completely crushed as a result of those decisions.

  It was all my fault.

  My guilt overwhelmed me, sending me to a place that I didn't want to be; a place where I'd begun to regret falling right into Brooks' arms. No matter what he said to me, or anyone for that matter, they couldn't know how conflicted I was inside.

  Especially not Brooks.

  He tried to talk to me, to comfort me and be my protector. I knew I was shutting down, giving up on whatever it was that we were creating together, but I couldn't stop it. I was in shock.

  That evening when everyone else went home to rest, Brooks sat by my bed holding my hand. He was crying silently to himself, perhaps knowing what I was already thinking. Our happy time together had come to an abrupt halt. "Kat, please say something to me. I don't understand why you're doing this. He put your life in danger. You did what you thought you had to do."

  "I ended his life."

  "The accident ended his life."

  "I caused the accident. I killed him."

  "His drinking killed him, Kat."

  I shook my head. "No. He used to tell me that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy. He didn't mean it like this, Brooks. I ruin everything I touch. I always have."

  "That's your pain medicine talking."

  I raised my hand as far as it would go considering I was hooked up to monitors and one was in the process of taking my blood pressure. "No. I’m a very selfish person that went after what I wanted, not even considering how drastic the consequences would be. I can't do this right now, Brooks."

  I couldn't lay helpless in a bed and know that Bobby was downstairs in the morgue. My hitting him on the head with that bottle kept playing out in my mind. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop it.

  "If we don't talk now, it's going to have to be over the phone. I've got to fly back to Fort Jackson first thing in the morning to report back for duty. Mom's going to take care of you and B until I can fly back next weekend." I was too hurt to even understand the amount of pain that Brooks was going through, having to leave us both and report for duty. Inside, deep in that hidden place everyone hides their feelings, I knew him leaving was hurting me. More than anything I wanted him by my side, albeit I didn't deserve it. I no longer deserved to have everything I wanted, not when being with Brooks hurt so many other people. I looked right at him, feeling like I was stabbing myself in my own heart. "So you'll call?"

  Brooks was devastated. He reached for my hand and I closed my eyes. I could feel my lips quivering. "Kat, we'll get through this. I promise. Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you're thinking. Don’t do it. Please don't push me away."

  I had to turn my head away from him so he couldn’t see me falling apart. "I'm so sorry, Brooks. Please don't look at me like that."

  He stood up and finally I couldn’t keep my eyes away. "I love you with everything I have in me. I know what it's like feeling like you caused someone's death. I can see it all over your face. They train us to handle those situations, so when you're ready to talk about it, rationally, you pick up that phone and I'll be there.” He leaned in and kissed my lips, then put his mouth close to my ear. "I will never give up on you."


  Brooks left the room, not because he had to right away, but because he couldn't stand looking at me and not feeling what he feared was going to happen.

  Nobody hated me more than I hated myself. I looked around the empty room and felt as if it was where I was supposed to be.

  Alone.

  Brooks loving me was his weakness. He couldn’t see the truth, because he was blinded by that love. I caused pain, no matter where I went or who I was around.

  That night was difficult, but the next few days were even harder. Brooks called me every morning, then at lunch and one last time before he went to bed.

  His voice soothed me, even if it were only a temporary fix. Danica brought B to the hospital each day until I was finally released on Wednesday. My hip was still in a bit of pain, but manageable with medication. Walt had rearranged the furniture so that I could maneuver a temporary wheelchair around on the first floor.

  It was good to be out of the hospital, but I had other things clouding my mind. Since I was Bobby’s wife, it was up to me to take care of his body, transporting it home and arranging a funeral.

  I didn’t know where to begin.

  Finally, after making calls to his family, I was left staring at the phone, knowing I had to call Sarah and Dave. My stomach was in knots and I broke down.

  Danica came running in, with B following close behind her. “What’s wrong? Does something hurt?”

  Aside from a bunch of bruises, the only thing that was wrong with me was that I’d dislocated my hip. I still had a killer headache and my body felt like it had been thrown into a cement maker. That aside, I wasn’t incapable. “No. I’m okay. I just need to get home. I have to be there to do all of this in person.”

  I could tell she was conflicted with what she should say. It was understandable that Danica didn’t want me leaving, on account of B. She wanted to be with her as much as she could and us being a few states away was hard on everyone.

  “Danica, please. I need to get home.”

  She grabbed the phone and started dialing before she would say what she was doing. “Hey, it’s me. Remember what we discussed last night? Yeah. I’ll call you when we get there. Love you too.”