A tall stranger chases me through the rainy streets, but my legs are stiff and heavy, full of pins and needles so that I can’t run properly. The stranger’s feet thud against wet pavement. He’s gaining on me and all I can do is stagger in slow motion, as though I’m caught in concrete. Terror grips my chest and squeezes. Sweat drips into my eyes. I know I won’t be able to outrun him so instead I cross the deserted street and start banging on a wooden door that looks like it belongs to the apartment above.
I scream and yell for someone, anyone, to open up and let me in. The stranger is almost upon me. With my left hand I pound on the wood, and with my right hand I push the doorbell. Leaving my finger on it so that the ringing is continuous, becoming louder and louder. But I know it’s no use. It’s dark. It’s late. No one is going to answer the door. No one will save me.
With a gasp, I sit up and open my eyes, my heart speeding like a juggernaut over a cattle grid. The details of the dream have disappeared, but the sense of terror still drenches me. My body is damp with sweat, my mouth dry, my ears ringing. And then I realise that the ringing is, in fact, my doorbell. It’s dark in the room, so I reach out and switch on my bedside light and glance at my alarm clock – almost four in the afternoon. Discovering what time it is only makes me feel more disorientated, the blackout blinds making it seem like the middle of the night. My temples still pound from the headache I was trying to sleep off, the ringing doorbell not helping matters. Shakily, I slip out of bed and creep over to the window, lift the blinds and peer down to the street below. It’s gloomy and drizzly outside – the recent aftermath of a storm.
The doorbell rings again. Through the blurry rain, I make out the top of a red umbrella. I’m not expecting any visitors. Maybe I should just ignore them. I’m sure whoever it is will soon give up and go away. And then the umbrella tilts back and I find myself staring down at a bedraggled-looking woman. It’s Lainy. She’s seen me. I give a short wave to let her know I’ve seen her too and let the curtains fall closed once more.
I sigh and move away from the window. I love her to bits, but she does have this annoying habit of dropping round unannounced. And as I work from home, it’s tricky to tell her that I’m busy without sounding rude. Today, she’s caught me in my pyjamas, which is even worse. She’ll think I’m so lazy. I grab my dressing gown off the chair and pull it around me, tying the cord tightly. In the wardrobe mirror, I check out my reflection and wince. I’m going to have to resort to dark glasses.
I make my way down the dark staircase, reluctant to put on the hall light. Maybe Lainy will see I’m in my pyjamas and leave. I cross the small hall and pull open the front door, the scent of wind and rain making me realise how sealed off from the world I’ve been recently. I spy Lainy’s retreating back down the front path, her umbrella bobbing above her.
‘Lainy!’
She turns and I see that beneath her raincoat my sister-in-law is dressed in her teacher clothes – a smart print dress, with a green cardigan. She beams at me, and then frowns as she takes in my sorry appearance. ‘Faye, hi! Sorry to disturb you. I wasn’t sure if you were going to come down.’
‘No, yes, of course I was. I was just having a rest. Bit of a headache, hence the sunglasses.’ I’m trying and failing to sound upbeat.
Lainy walks back up the path towards me. ‘Thought you’d gone all rock star on me.’
‘Ha, I wish,’ I reply, hearing the utter weariness in my voice. I really need to brighten up a bit.
Lainy leans in to give me a hug, but instinctively I cringe away from her, regretting it immediately. Lainy frowns. ‘What? Do I smell or something?’
‘No, of course not. Come in.’ I mentally kick myself. Why did I invite her in? Now I’ll have to offer her a drink and she’ll want to talk, when all I want to do is crawl back into bed. Even the thought of another nightmare won’t deter me from closing my eyes.
Lainy follows me into the gloomy hallway. ‘I’m not stopping, just popped in to pick up my cake tins.’
I exhale with relief. ‘Oh, yes. Sorry, I should’ve returned those ages ago. Come through, I’ll get them for you.’
‘It’s the school cake sale next week and I really can’t get away with shop-bought cakes. Not again.’ She pulls a face.
‘No one will know the difference, surely.’
‘You’d be surprised,’ Lainy drawls.
I’m not even sure how I’m managing to have a normal conversation; my head feels as though it’s about to split into pieces. We walk into the kitchen. I’m too out of sorts to feel embarrassed by the state of it. The little room is dank and cold, the odour of stale food hanging in the air.
‘Sorry to hear you’re not feeling too good.’ Lainy tilts her head. ‘Can I nip out and get you anything?’
‘Thanks, but I’ll be fine,’ I lie. ‘A twenty-minute nap should sort me out.’
‘Where’s Dyls?’
‘Playdate with the infamous Rafael Di Martino.’
‘Oh, wow, he’s in with the cool crowd.’
‘I know. It’s all he’s been talking about this week. His mum’s having three of them over and I don’t have to pick them up for another couple of hours. I hope he’s having a good time.’ I drag a stool across the floor, wincing at the loud scrape, and clamber up onto it to reach the high cupboard where I’m hoping I’ll find Lainy’s cake tins.
‘Careful,’ she warns as the stool rocks precariously under me. ‘It’s a bit dark in here. Can you even see what you’re doing?’
As I spy the tins and ease them out from beneath a couple of baking trays, Lainy opens the venetian blind to let more light in, and comes over to steady the stool as I pass down the tins.
‘You really shouldn’t be balancing on the stool like that, you could break your neck.’
‘You worry too much.’ I gingerly climb down.
‘I’ll get out of your hair and let you rest. Thanks for these.’ She waves the cake tins at me, just as my sunglasses slip down my nose. Lainy gasps, her mouth hanging open. ‘Your eye!’
I push my glasses back up onto my nose, but I can tell it’s too late. She’s already seen.
‘What happened?’
‘Fell off a stool?’ I give a bitter laugh, knowing she won’t believe me.
‘Faye! Seriously, what happened? You have a black eye!’
I shake my head, feeling the weight of everything pushing me down. I realise too late that I should have ignored the doorbell. I should have stayed in bed. No, what I should have done is returned Lainy’s cake tins ages ago. ‘Let’s just leave it at the fall explanation. It’s easier than the alternative.’
Lainy swallows. ‘Faye…’
‘I’m fine, honestly.’ Maybe it’s not too late to fob her off. I give a forced laugh. ‘It’s embarrassing. The kitchen cupboard door swung open and the corner got me in the eye. Such a clumsy idiot.’
But her expression darkens. ‘He’s hurting you, isn’t he?’
My stomach drops. ‘What? What are you talking about?’ I turn away and start to move the stool back to its original position, unwilling to let my sister-in-law see my face. Unwilling to let her see the truth written there.
‘Faye, you don’t have to pretend. Not with me.’
I stare out of the window through the slats of the blind to the courtyard garden, where the rain is beginning to hammer down.
‘Faye, talk to me. It’s Jake, isn’t it? He did that to you.’
I shake my head, denying it, but I know my eyes are telling a different story.
‘Oh God, is he hurting Dylan, too?’
I turn robotically to look at my sister-in-law, numbness filling my brain, replacing the sharp headache. ‘He hasn’t hurt Dylan,’ I whisper with a surge of dread. ‘Not yet.’
‘Oh Faye, no.’ Lainy’s forehead creases and her eyes fill with concern. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? How long has it been going on?’
I shrug, unwilling to do the maths.
‘Weeks? Months?’
I r
emain silent.
‘Not years? I don’t believe this.’ Lainy wraps her arms around herself. I’m thankful she doesn’t wrap them around me. ‘You need to tell me what’s been happening, Faye.’
Still I don’t reply.
‘Come into the lounge.’ Lainy puts the cake tins on the counter and gently takes my hand, her fingers cold and damp against my warm, clammy skin. She leads me through to the little living room and sits me down on one of the battered leather sofas. ‘I’m going to make you a cup of tea, and then we’re going to talk about this.’
‘I can’t,’ I stammer, panic filling my veins.
‘Just stay there. I’ll be back in a minute.’
Lainy heads out of the room, leaving me alone. I feel as though I’ve stepped out of my body, unable to believe she guessed what’s been happening. How did she know? Most people would have accepted my story, wouldn’t they? Jake is her brother. Why would she jump to the conclusion that he’s been hurting me? Why would she believe me over him?
Back in the lounge, she shoves some paperwork aside and places one of the mugs on the side table next to me. Somewhere, deep inside my brain, I realise that I must have gone into shock or something. I’m sitting exactly where she left me, motionless, staring straight ahead.
‘Drink your tea,’ she says gently. ‘I put sugar in it.’
I manage to nod absently but I can’t seem to make any move towards it. Lainy sighs and sits opposite on the smaller sofa. She blows on her drink, then sets it on the coffee table. I realise she wants me to open up about Jake. She’s probably wondering how to ask the question. I suddenly realise that I can sit here in silence, or I can unburden myself. She’s already guessed what’s been going on, so what have I got to lose? Before I can stop myself, I begin to talk.
‘When Jake and I first got together, it was magical.’ I sink back into the sofa. Thinking back to those early days, it’s like it happened to somebody else. Jake was a different person back then. Or maybe he wasn’t – maybe he was just a good actor. ‘We were so in love, I couldn’t bear to be away from him for a minute. And he felt the same about me. He really did. He used to call me his Pre-Raphaelite princess – corny, I know, but he adored me. Back then, I had no idea of the man behind the mask.’ I give a little shudder, my throat closing up. But I can’t stop now. I swallow and force myself to continue.
‘I should have realised something wasn’t right, because he always wanted to take charge of everything. At the time, I thought it was simply Jake being romantic and masterful. Hah. What a fool I was. I graduated from art college with so many opportunities to show my work. I was excited to begin my career. Looking back, I can see the ways that Jake subtly undermined my confidence and made it seem like it was my idea to give it all up. I think I lied to myself that it was what I wanted – to help him with his business and become a mother at such a young age. I’m still lying to myself today. It’s what I always do. I suppose it helps me to accept my reality. Don’t get me wrong – I adore Dylan. In fact, he’s my only reason for living. But back then, all I wanted was to be an artist. And I never had the chance to even try for that dream.’
‘How did I not see any of this?’ Lainy mutters.
I look up, almost startled to realise she’s still there. ‘How could you see any of it? Jake’s an expert at showing the world only what he wants them to see.’
‘But why did you stay with him for so long? Once you found out what he was like?’
She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes. ‘I didn’t find out what he was like in one shocking revelation – it was a slow thing. The odd barbed comment here, a few little guilt trips there. I always felt like it was my fault he got angry. Not his. And anyway…’ I put a hand to my belly, remembering. ‘I fell pregnant with Dylan within that first year of being with Jake – we were bound together after that. I was nervous about telling him my news, but I needn’t have been. He was ecstatic. We were both so excited to be parents. He proposed. I said yes. It was a whirlwind romance. Well, you know all that. You seemed pleased for us at the time.’
Lainy shakes her head. ‘I’m so sorry. You always seemed so happy together.’
‘No need to say sorry – it’s not your fault.’ I give Lainy what I hope is a reassuring smile. I can’t blame her for her brother’s behaviour. ‘Anyway, after that first year of marriage, Jake became even more controlling. I can just about deal with that aspect of his personality. But these days it’s his unpredictability that… well, it terrifies me. I don’t know what will set him off. I have no idea what he’ll do from one hour to the next.’ My heart starts thumping again at the image of his scowling face. Or worse, at his smiling face – the smile that’s not quite a sneer. The one that means he’s enjoying himself.
‘And you really never thought of leaving?’
I stare at her. A stare of frustration. At her utter lack of comprehension. But it’s not her fault. ‘Lainy, leaving is all I think of. I dream of it. I imagine this mythical life where I’m free. But every time I think of the when and the how, it all becomes impossible. Especially when I imagine what he would do to me. Every night I wake up drenched in a cold sweat with everything going round and round in my head. All the impossibilities of my life. What if I leave and he gets custody of Dylan? What if no one believes me? What if he kills me?’ I know I’m sounding more and more hysterical now. My fingers are shaking, and my breathing is shallow. Everything I’ve bottled up over the years is pouring out in a torrent. I’m not even considering the consequences. The very thought of those consequences terrifies me.
‘Well now you have me. I believe you.’
‘Thank you.’ My shoulders drop and I push my fingertips into my forehead, not sure if it’s relief I’m feeling or deep, deep regret. ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d take my side. If you’d think I was making it up.’
‘Let me look at your eye.’ Lainy gets to her feet. ‘Do you need to see a doctor?’
‘My eye’s okay.’ I barely feel any discomfort from the results of last night’s punch to my face. There’s too much else to worry about. I decide that Lainy may as well see it all… ‘It’s not just my eye. There’s more.’
‘What do you mean?’ Lainy stares in mounting horror as I untie my dressing gown. I’m wearing vest-top pyjamas underneath. I slip the robe off my shoulders and let it puddle around me on the sofa, revealing my arms. They’re zebra-like – my pale white skin circled with black and purple bruising where he likes to grab me. To squeeze and pull, and yank and push.
Lainy chokes and puts a hand to her throat. ‘Jesus! Why didn’t you tell me before?’ she stutters. ‘Why didn’t you tell anyone?’
‘I told you, I didn’t think you’d believe me. He’s your brother. I thought you’d be more likely to take his side than mine. I thought you two were close. What Jake’s been doing to me… he keeps that side of him so well hidden. There’s far worse than this underneath my pyjamas but I don’t want to show you. I don’t want to show anyone.’ My pulse throbs. Acid burns my throat. What will this revelation mean for me and Dylan? I realise I haven’t thought this through properly. I was still half asleep when Lainy called round. Not in my right mind. Not thinking straight.
I quickly tug my dressing gown over my shoulders. ‘It never used to be this bad. He could go for months without losing his temper. I knew how to manage him. How to keep everything calm and on an even keel. But now he’s becoming more violent more often, and I know it’s nothing I’m doing to wind him up. I think he might be having worries at work.’ Panic floods my veins. ‘You won’t say anything, will you? Don’t tell anyone. Not even Tom. Promise me.’
‘Faye, we have to get you out of here. We have to tell the police.’
‘No! Lainy, please. Listen to me. I knew I shouldn’t have shown you. It was a moment of madness. Please, please forget I ever showed you this. I’m so stupid. Why did I say anything? Listen to me…’ I glare at my sister-in-law, shivers beginning to wrack my body.
‘He cannot know that I’ve told you. He’ll kill me. And I mean he’ll really kill me.’ My head swims at the thought of it.
Lainy opens her mouth to disagree, but then snaps it shut again. She sits back down. ‘What do you want to do?’
I bow my head. Twist my hands in my lap. Grateful that Lainy isn’t insistent. Isn’t being a do-gooder without fully grasping the situation. But now she’s started speaking again, saying all the wrong things…
‘Why don’t you pack a bag now and come home with me? We’ll pick Dylan up on the way.’
I snap my head up and fix her with a hard stare. ‘I can’t do that. He’ll find me. He’ll take Dylan. You really don’t understand what he’s like. You have no idea.’
‘I’m so sorry, Faye. If I’d known what he was doing…’
‘It’s not your fault.’
‘But I’ve always known he had a temper.’
‘That’s an understatement,’ I whisper.
‘I know you think you can’t, but you absolutely have to get away from Jake.’ Lainy’s face takes on a haunted look – a look I’ve never seen on her before. ‘There’s something you don’t know. Something I need to tell you… something I haven’t spoken about to anyone.’
I shake my head. ‘If you know what he’s really like, then you know how difficult it would be to get away from him. If I take his son, he’ll… I don’t know. I don’t even want to think about it.’
‘I know, Faye. I can’t believe this nightmare hasn’t gone away. I can’t believe he’s still the same as he was back then. I really thought he’d changed.’
‘He was like this before?’ I jerk my head up at a sound from the hallway. At the click of a key in a lock.
Time seems to slow down.
Lainy’s words cut through my fear. ‘Is that…?’
‘Oh no!’ I freeze. ‘It’s Jake. He’s home early!’
Forty-One
With trembling fingers, I hurry to fix my sunglasses in place and slip my arms back through my dressing gown, tying it securely at the front. ‘Don’t say anything,’ I hiss, praying that Lainy won’t give anything away. Wondering if she can act as convincingly as her brother. I take a deep breath, desperate to regain control of my emotions.
The Marriage Betrayal Page 19