by Dean, Ali
“Everything about you turns me on,” he confesses a little sheepishly. “But especially watching you figure this out on your own terms. First you decided to watch Shred Live so you could be ready to handle whatever comes your way. Now you’re opening up, showing vulnerability to the same crowd you never wanted to deal with in the first place. The same people who hurt you before, who were even responsible for that concussion. All to go after what you really want.”
“You mean you?”
“Yeah, me.” Beck doesn’t deny it. “But also competing, and loving skateboarding without being afraid. Not having to hide.”
“Sounds like you’re really in love with me.”
“I really am.”
“I’m sort of amazed how much sense you’re able to make while you have this boner literally moving around trying to get closer to me. How can you focus? I know I’m struggling.”
Beck laughs. “I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t paying attention. But I’m serious, it all turns me on.”
“Better do something about it quick, Beck, because I want to hit Riptide before anyone else shows up.”
“Really? I thought you’d jump off me and demand we get going.”
I sigh dramatically. “I can’t skate in this state either.” Beck smiles before moving into action, sliding my underwear all the way off before getting to his own. I wouldn’t have thought a quickie could also be loving and sweet, but Beck has it down. By the time we emerge from the van, already sweaty and flushed, I’m in the perfect state of mind to tackle the park that’s starred in my nightmares on occasion these past few months.
Beck
I look at Jordan as I hand over her board. She’s standing outside the van, glaring at Riptide like it’s her nemesis. As soon as the board is in her hands, she hops on and skates off. If I didn’t know better, I’d be a little insulted I’m forgotten so quickly. But I do know better. She wants me here with her when she does this. I was there the first time she skated after the crash, and I’ve been there for each milestone since. Jordan needs me, and she’s okay admitting that to herself now.
The ocean is calm this morning, which means there aren’t any surfers out. With the exception of a few walkers or joggers, we’ve got the area to ourselves.
My eyes flick to the half pipe, the giant structure that’s taken so many down, including Jordan. I’m excited for her as she faces her demons head on, but there’s also a rage simmering inside me. I don’t have anyone to take it out on, not even an inanimate object like the Riptide half pipe. After all, it’s the same structure that brought us together nearly a year ago.
There’s nothing to be done about Felicity, assuming she’s the stalker, for the moment at least. And we still don’t know who the bubblerollie Instagram is. Even if that particular threat isn’t present anymore, I’m not so confident there won’t be others. I’ve got no way to stop them or defend her, not in a way that will actually be effective. It keeps me up at night, this inability to do anything but attract the sharks in the first place.
Now she’s going to open up, make herself more vulnerable, and I understand why she’s doing it. But it makes me want to shield her somehow, and since there’s no way to do that, I have to swallow down that instinct and let it ride. It’s getting harder to do.
I wonder sometimes if I shut Dad out because he was an easy target, one that I should’ve dealt with even before Jordan came into my life. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t have any regrets about it.
Jordan’s skating around the park, checking out the features, but not actually hitting any of them.
“Want to drop in with me?” I call out as I balance on the coping of the smaller bowl.
She skates over and balances next to me. Jordan doesn’t say anything but the intensity coming from her is fierce. She turns to look at me and when our eyes connect she drops in.
I’m right behind her as we carve figure-eights and pick up speed. When she catches air and exits the bowl after only a minute, she doesn’t slow down or take a break. Instead she heads straight to the bigger bowl. Jordan pauses at the ledge of the steep drop in, but only to glance over her shoulder and smile at me. “You coming in with me?”
“You want me to?”
She nods and then turns to face the vert. With one deep breath, she tilts her board forward and disappears from sight for an instant before coming back into view. Jordan’s tucked low, and as usual, I’m too mesmerized by her to think of anything else. It isn’t until she grinds the coping on the other side and skates back in my direction that I remember I’m supposed to be dropping in too.
We skate like this, side by side, moving from one feature to the next, until others start to show up.
I’m not surprised when Jordan picks up her board with the new arrivals, but when she looks at me and tells me she’s going up to the half pipe, I can’t stop my jaw from dropping.
Before I can respond, Jordan’s moving in that direction.
“Jordan, wait.” I snap out of my state of shock. She’s already to the stairs and I jog to catch up.
“I know I’m not ready, Beck.”
I should be encouraging her, but when it comes to this particular demon, the truth is she’s not ready. “Hotshot, your technical skills have improved so fast these past couple weeks it’s unreal.” She hasn’t slowed her pace up the stairs, and I struggle to find the right words before we reach the top. “But you still aren’t one hundred percent yourself on a skateboard yet.”
“It’s okay Beck, I know.”
“In some ways, you’re a better skateboarder than you were before the crash. And your style is like no one else’s. But there’s something missing, maybe confidence or a sense of ownership, I don’t know.”
Jordan stops at the last stair as I attempt to explain why the half pipe is a bad idea without crushing her spirit. She places a hand on my chest. “Beck, I’m not going to drop in. I just want to sit up here and take it in, okay?”
“Shit, my heart is beating out of my chest. I wish you’d said that when you charged over here.”
“Sorry, the idea popped into my head and I didn’t want to psych myself out. I think it will be good for me to just be up here.”
I follow her the last step and stand beside her as she looks down the giant vert and across to the other side of the structure. I’m still shaken from watching her first crash from the parking lot nearly a year ago, and the second one from some random person’s video back in December. Just being up here isn’t easy for me anymore, and I can’t imagine what it’s like for Jordan.
She turns around after a moment and walks to the other side of the platform, sitting down on the end and looking out at the ocean.
My legs follow, and I sit beside her, understanding why she needs this. She might not be dropping in, but this is still facing her demons. Telling them she’ll be back. Some day. And I know she will, even if the thought of it alone nearly gives me a heart attack.
“I know I tried to talk you out of it just now, Hotshot, but that doesn’t mean I think you’ll never be ready. You will be.”
“I’m not in a hurry for this one,” she says quietly. “It’s not the kind of thing I can test out first, dip my toe in, you know? I can’t afford another head injury.”
“A lot of people would be terrified just sitting here with their legs dangling over the edge, so I know it’s not fear holding you back. You’re being smart, and I admire that.”
She’s always been pretty fearless when it comes to skateboarding, maybe to a fault.
“No, there’s some fear,” she corrects me. “But it’s a healthy dose, in this case at least. I’m listening to it. The other stuff I’m afraid of? Needing you, getting attacked by strangers online? I’m not listening to those fears anymore.”
My hand moves to her thigh, face up, and she takes it. “If it helps, I’m scared of those things sometimes too. But you’re right, those kinds of fears don’t deserve our respect.”
She moves her gaze from the
beach to me. “This one though,” I say, nodding in the direction of the vert. “It demands respect, yeah?”
“I get that now,” she whispers. Jordan leans her head on my shoulder. “You can still drop in though if you want. I’ll take the stairs down.”
I don’t want her to have to take the stairs down alone, just in case she lets a sense of defeat sneak in. “Nah, I’ll take the stairs with you.”
This time, we go down hand in hand. I might be scared about the contract being up tomorrow, about going public and knowing Jordan will take some hits as a result. But most of all, I’m happy I can finally do this, be real with her all the time, everywhere.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Jordan
We caravan down to Southskate in three vehicles. Beck’s in his van with Brie, Naomi and Summer. Taylor’s driving his car with Moses and Griff, and I’m with my roommates in Zora’s car.
I turn to Ellie in the backseat with me. “Hey, will this be weird? Sharing a rental house for a couple days with Taylor?”
She waves me off. “Nah, there are a lot of us and he’ll be busy competing.”
I know her well enough not to buy it.
“Ellie, what happened with you guys? It all seemed to be so good and then you’re telling me in a text that you broke up with him.” She doesn’t answer right away, gazing out the window. “I know it’s been a while now,” I continue, “but I guess I never really understood what happened, and since we still hang out with him a lot, I thought maybe I should?” I don’t want to pry, but Ellie’s usually super forthcoming, so I figure it can’t hurt to ask.
“We want to know too,” Zora pipes in, turning down the music as she does.
Ellie rubs her hands over her knees. “I don’t even know anymore. I really don’t,” Ellie finally says.
Lucy turns around in the passenger seat. “You said you had fun thinking about marrying him and everything but once you realized that might actually happen you freaked out.”
“What?” Zora shrieks. “He was going to propose?”
“No!” Ellie corrects, sounding horrified. “I mean, maybe someday, like in a few years, but still. That would mean that he would be the last guy I ever dated, if we stayed together all that time. And even though he’s so hot and totally into me and everything, or maybe because he’s all that, I was just like, wait. I’m not actually ready to be with the same guy my entire life. You know?”
None of us respond. Lucy and I exchange glances because, well, we’re taking that chance in our relationships, aren’t we? But even Zora doesn’t say anything.
“Okay, sorry,” Ellie says on a cringe. “I know you two are headed in that direction. But maybe it’s different for you. With Taylor, he had this reputation as sort of a player, flirted with everyone, a real charmer type. I thought it would be a challenge just to get him to commit to being my boyfriend, let alone for more than a few weeks. And then he was all in, and I did get him to change his ways. Like, was he ready to change anyway or was it because I’m super special? I don’t know.”
Words are pouring from Ellie now and Zora’s giving me big eyes from the rearview mirror, silently saying, “Well, you opened this can of worms!”
“I don’t doubt he loves me. Loved me. Whatever. But he’s twenty-two, in a different place in his life.”
Zora coughs.
Ellie huffs. “Fine, Coby is twenty-two and Beck’s like, thirty-two or something.”
“He is not. He just turned twenty-six last month!”
Ellie’s kind of laughing now, and I can tell it’s partly authentic but also slightly hysterical too. “Well, that brings me back to my point. I don’t really know why I did it! It doesn’t even make sense! I’ve got all these excuses, age being one, but two of my best friends are making it work so maybe I made a mistake.” Her lower lip trembles. “I really made a mistake,” she repeats with more conviction. “I know I did. Oh shit. You guys! I’ve even tried flirting with other guys and I don’t know what my deal is but I can never go through with it.”
She’s sobbing now, and I unbuckle my seatbelt to slide to the middle so I can comfort her. “It’s been months and I’m still not over Taylor. I don’t know what to do.” She hiccups and sniffles as I wrap my arms around her. “What if he brings girls back to the house this weekend?”
As I rub her back and try to soothe her, Lucy reaches and pats Ellie’s knee. “Do you really want him back, Ellie?”
She nods as she soaks my shirt with her tears. “I got scared and made a mistake.”
“I can relate, Ellie. I did that with Beck. He took me back.”
Ellie starts to wipe her tears and take deep breaths. “But that’s not the same.”
“No two relationships are the same,” Lucy says in her wise motherly voice. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to Taylor about this.”
“But it’s Taylor Sly. I’m sure he’s moved on. I don’t even want to think about what he was up to while he was traveling to competitions all summer after I dumped him. That was my other excuse, by the way. But clearly, if Beck and Jordan can do long distance for months, that’s a lousy excuse too.”
“From what I’ve heard from Beck, Taylor’s still moping around over you,” I say, uncertain if I’m breaking some sort of code by sharing this. But it seems to be the right thing to say, because Ellie’s tears stop and she sits up straighter.
“Really?”
“I don’t know everything that’s going on with him, but from what I’ve seen, he did change when he was with you and he hasn’t gone back to the way he was before.” I hope I’m right. I don’t want to set Ellie up for heartbreak. Then again, she’s clearly already suffering from heartbreak. If I’ve learned one thing this past year, it’s that we need to go after what we want, even when it’s scary. Give it a shot, even if we fail. Ellie seems to realize what she wants, and is ready to admit she made a mistake. We all make mistakes. It’s how we handle them afterward that counts.
* * *
“I love these posts, Jordan! You really put it out there and I think it will resonate with people more than you think,” Phoebe tells me on the phone the next morning. “I mean, people need to know you’re not perfect and then maybe they’ll be nicer to you,” she adds.
“We’ll see. No mean comments or messages yet.”
“Well you’ve got a team of like a dozen of us monitoring and waiting to pounce so I’ll actually be kind of disappointed if you don’t get one jealous bitch hating on you.”
“Just wait until Beck tells everyone I’m his girlfriend. That will bring them out.”
I’m the first one awake in the rental house, unable to sleep with the anticipation of competing today. As I finish catching up with Phoebe and she heads to work, Beck comes down. His hands slide around my waist and his lips go to my neck as I pour coffee.
“Mmmmm,” he mumbles into my collarbone.
I grab a second cup and pour some for him too. “I love your morning noises.”
“Morning noises? I have morning noises?”
“Yeah, you have a morning voice too. Like you’re not quite ready to talk yet. It’s sweet, because I know I’m the only one who gets to hear it.”
I turn to give him his coffee and he’s eyeing me suspiciously. After taking a sip, he asks, “Really? I didn’t know this about myself.”
“That’s what happens when you’re with someone a while. I’m starting to know more about you than you know about yourself. Freaky, huh?”
“You have way too much spunk first thing in the morning, Hotshot,” he tells me, still with his grumbly sleepy voice.
“I already know this about myself, Beck. You’ll have to keep trying.” Okay, probably too early to throw sass but I’m really excited to hit the park today.
“I’ll start breakfast,” Beck offers. “Maybe by the time I’m done I’ll have my normal voice back.”
The others trickle in over the next hour and most of them get on their phones as soon as they hit the coffee pot. I
sent the second post, the second half of my little story, earlier this morning, and as the others zone out on their screens, I decide to check the status. Just like yesterday, within an hour of posting, every single one of my friends, including Phoebe, Wyatt, Levi and Devon, have liked and commented something encouraging.
“You guys are quick,” I tell everyone in the kitchen.
“It’s an awesome post. Both of them,” Taylor tells me. “Good for you for sharing all that.”
“Yeah,” Moses agrees with a nod. “It’s obvious you’re not after attention, that you genuinely want to be real and share what it’s like coming back post injury. Half the posts about injury are for dramatic effect, but yours is understated. I know plenty of people will appreciate it.”
Brie comes over and takes the chair beside me at the kitchen table. “How you feeling about today?”
“Excited. Thanks again for letting me take your spot.”
“I’ve been skating with you these past couple weeks, remember? I know you’re ready to kill it out there.”
My friends continue to fill me up with praise and positivity as we make our way to the park. I’m not usually comfortable being the focus of attention, especially since three of these guys are competing today too, but I’m getting better at handling it. They need this too. They need to know they’re doing what they can to help me move forward, and I can appreciate that.
Once we arrive, much earlier than we need to, I’m grateful I’ve been pumped with confidence for the past couple hours. It’s already crowded, and I know this is only a portion of what’s to come once the contest begins in a few hours. Not only that, but a few of the faces are familiar, and not in that warm fuzzy way. As expected, Sarah Kase and Camila Gonzales are here.
I’m not sure how I avoided thinking about it, but somehow I wasn’t really prepared for Camila accosting Beck yet again. Maybe I thought she’d been putting on a show for the cameras. Maybe I figured since nothing really happened, she’d walk away with her tail between her legs, kind of like Sarah Kase seems to be doing. Maybe I just feel like everyone should know by now that Beck is my boyfriend, dammit!