Sum of the Whole

by Brenda Murphy

  “Hey.” Deidre’s voice, rough from screaming, cut through the early morning quiet. It grated on Jaya’s ears.

  She kept her back to Deidre. Make the coffee. Make the coffee and get rid of her. She scrubbed her eyes, hoping and wishing when she turned it would be Sarah standing in her kitchen. Wishing it was Sarah’s sweet morning smile and her voice soft and easy in her ears, instead of the mercenary harpy standing behind her.

  “Aren’t you the quiet one this morning?”

  Jaya winced at the sharp tone of Deidre’s borderline whine.

  “You’d think licking you until you screamed would at least earn me a good morning.” Deidre yanked the refrigerator open. Jaya resisted the urge to spin and slam it shut.

  “Don’t start.” Jaya poured herself a cup of coffee and took the first sip. It was burning hot and she didn’t care. She walked away from Deidre, leaving her to find a cup on her own. Deidre poured herself a coffee. She added enough milk and sugar to make it smell like ice cream.

  Jaya paced. Restless energy flooded her. She wanted to wrap Deidre in her coat and shove her out the door. Oblivious to Jaya’s discomfort or perhaps enjoying it, Deidre draped herself over the armchair. She’d found one of Jaya’s shirts and wore it with the sleeves rolled up. The hem brushed the top of her thighs. Once upon a time, Jaya would have rushed her coffee, anxious to fuck Deidre on the kitchen table before taking her back to the bedroom for all-day sex. But not anymore. She tilted her head back. So easy. It would be so easy to let Deidre stay. Knowing someone wanted to be with you because of your money certainly was easier than navigating feelings. Jaya was a businesswoman and knew how to negotiate a deal. Feelings were unpredictable, messy, hard, and didn’t last. Maybe they did. She knew no matter how long she lived or how many lovers she had, she would not ever get over her love for Sarah. She sat down on the couch.

  “We should talk.” Deidre had shifted from her place on the chair and now sat across from Jaya on the opposite couch. She propped her legs on the coffee table, letting the shirt ride up to expose herself to Jaya. She met Jaya’s gaze.

  Jaya closed her eyes and lowered her chin to her chest. “No. What happened was a one-off.” She heard Deidre get up, and the couch shifted with Deidre’s weight as she leaned into Jaya’s shoulder.

  “I don’t believe you. I think you miss me. That you miss us. I know I screwed up. But give me a chance, Jayjay. I can do better.” Deidre rested her hand on Jaya’s thigh.

  Jaya hated when Deidre called her Jayjay. It was a private name, a name that reminded her of when she’d walked away from what was expected of her and found Deidre. Jaya slid away from Deidre’s touch.

  “No. You left. You left me because Andrea had more money, and you left her because the money ran out. I don’t do whore.”

  “Ha. That’s funny, because the last time I checked you had no problem paying for what you wanted.” She stood. Buttons flew as she ripped off Jaya’s shirt before dropping it at her feet. “Look. Look at me.” She held Jaya’s gaze. “This.” She held up her breasts, displaying their plump fullness and hard nipples. “This is what I have to work with. I didn’t get the fancy boarding school and the family business. So, fuck you and your ‘I don’t do whore.’ You were fine doing me for ten years. You didn’t love me. You loved the idea of me. Not me. Not ever. Not really. Fuck you.” She spun on her heel and stomped down the hall.

  Jaya sipped her coffee slowly, unwilling to go through the dance again. The first time they’d had this fight, she’d chased Deidre down the hall and they’d fucked each other until the anger and the pain had left both of them. The last time they’d fought, Deidre had stomped out and Jaya had let her go. And she would this time. Asshole. I’m an asshole. Why’d I let her in? Why’d I fuck her again? Because you want what you want. Because I’m an idiot. I take what I want even when it makes no sense, even when it will hurt in the end. Sometimes especially when I know it will hurt in the end.

  Deidre rushed past her, wrapped in her coat from the night before, not looking up. The door slammed hard enough Jaya was happy she had chosen tremor hooks to hang the pictures in her flat. The sun rose and colored the building next door a rosy shade of pink. She found her phone and texted Sarah.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “WE SEEM TO always be here when things are hard.” Sarah leveled her eyes at Jaya.

  She’s gone. Gone from me. Again. Sarah’s eyes gave nothing away, like their first meeting in this noisy cafe.

  “And I always seem to be asking you for something you don’t want to give.” Jaya worked hard to keep her tone measured.

  Sarah didn’t speak. Her silence was more annoying than a screaming argument would be. Jaya knew anger and hurt and pain. She knew how to handle those feelings; how to spin them into something more. This unyielding silence was worse. She knew how much Sarah could take without breaking; she had uttered her safe word only twice during their relationship. The ache in Jaya’s heart grew as she remembered her cold no when Jaya had asked her the first time to live with her. She had not understood her refusal then, and didn’t understand it now.

  “You’re asking me to change my life for you.” Sarah twisted the coffee stirrer. “Again.”

  “A better life. A safe life.”

  “A life you control. I didn’t leave Rowan House for you. I haven’t worked my ass off for the last ten years to give up my freedom now. I’m not writing my dissertation for fun.”

  “I don’t want to own you. I never said I did.”

  “But you do. You want what you want. You’ve never once asked me what my plans were after my defense. You assume what you want for me is best. I’m a woman grown, not the young girl you met at Rowan House. I’ve plans for my career, but you wouldn’t know because you’ve never once asked me.” Sarah’s eyes were full of fury and hurt.

  Stung, Jaya sat back, heat rising in her face. True. All true. Beyond boarding school drama and fumbling high school sex in cars, she had always paid for what she wanted. Always assumed that anyone who wanted to be with her wanted her money. She had lived a life of commerce, not love. Never love. Never that. Money, yes. Power, yes. And emptiness. A deep shame filled Jaya as memories and regrets washed over her.

  “There you are, darling.” Deidre’s dulcet tone cut through Jaya’s pain. Not here. Not now. She watched in horror as Deidre crossed the cafe, her heels clicking on the floor in her mincing steps. Deidre had gone all out, dressed in Jaya’s favorite color. Her emerald-green sheath dress hugged every curve as she walked toward them, her eyes locked on Jaya’s face. She watched Sarah’s face as she took it all in: the dress, the mink, the shoes and handbag to match. Sarah’s mouth settled into a thin line and her eyes went flat. Her expression shuttered.

  Deidre stopped at their table. She turned to Sarah, her lip curled in disdain, eyebrows raised as she looked Sarah over.

  “Slumming, I see. She doesn’t seem your type at all.” Deidre shifted her hips in a challenge to Sarah and rested her hand on Jaya’s shoulder. “Well, you always did like a little rough now and then. Introduce us, darling, don’t be rude.”

  Jaya ducked her head to avoid the look she saw on Sarah’s face. The guilt she had managed to ignore bubbled up and left a bitter taste in her mouth.

  “No need. I’m leaving.” Sarah stood up and picked up her bag. Jaya pushed Deidre’s hand off her shoulder.

  “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” She caught Sarah’s wrist as she turned to leave.

  “But it is.” Sarah’s eyes burned into Jaya, and she didn’t bother to hide the disgusted expression on her face. “Take your hand off me.”

  Not like this. Jaya cringed. Not like this. She let go of her wrist as if it were on fire. Sarah took two steps away from the table and turned back. Her eyes were dark and her brow furrowed.

  “Sarah, I’m—”

  Sarah cut Jaya off with a wave of her hand. She walked back to the table and reached up to yank off the torque. She tossed it on the table. It clattered on the
Formica top. The ringing sound burned Jaya’s ears.

  “Add this to your collection.” She swept out of the cafe.

  “What a lovely piece.” Deidre reached out to pick up the torque, and Jaya grabbed her wrist. She squeezed hard. Deidre winced.

  “Mission accomplished.” Deidre’s mouth twisted into a horrible smile. “Maybe next time you’ll think twice about who you call ‘whore.’” Jaya let go of her arm and she walked away, head high and hips swinging. She turned at the door, winked at Jaya, and blew her a kiss.

  Jaya slipped the torque in her jacket pocket. She wiped the sweat from her forehead with a napkin. A few people looked up. Most went back to their phones, heads down, ignoring the drama. She tossed a twenty on the table for their check and rushed after Deidre.

  Chapter Sixteen

  JAYA CAUGHT UP with Deidre on the street. She grabbed her wrist. Spinning her around and twisting her arm behind her back, Jaya pulled her close. To the casual observer, they would look like lovers overcome with passion about to kiss, but with one twist Jaya could break Deidre’s wrist and Deidre knew it. She relaxed into Jaya. Her eyes were full of tears and defiance.

  “You going to hurt me? Go ahead. Break my wrist like you did my heart.”

  Jaya snorted and released her grip. “Forget it, Deidre. You can try the hurt act with Andrea. I know you don’t mean it.”

  Deidre rubbed her fingers over the red mark on her wrist where Jaya’s fingers had dug into her skin. She pushed her bracelet up to massage her wrist, and Jaya saw them. Five round burns. Like Sarah. Same mark, same pattern. Same scars.

  “Fuck is that, Deidre?” She pointed at the pattern on Deidre’s wrist.

  “‘Fuck’? My, you are upset.”

  “Don’t test me.” Jaya stepped closer. “What are those burns on your wrist?”

  Deidre pushed her bangle bracelet higher. She shoved the sleeve of her mink up and held her wrist out to Jaya. “Andrea gets off on it.” She pirouetted on the street, holding the edge of her mink coat. “She rewards you for it, but it is hell.” Deidre frowned. “You know I can take any kind of pain for a price, but damn, I never expected you would find someone else. I think I’m jealous.”

  “Don’t talk about her. You aren’t fit to wipe her ass. What the hell were you trying to do, Deidre? Make me mad so I take you back? I’m done with angry sex. And with you.” Jaya leveled her gaze at Deidre. “Leave me alone. Don’t come near me or Sarah again.”

  “What’s it worth to you?” Ever the mercenary, Deidre shifted on her heels, leaning back to taunt Jaya. Under her gaze, the shame of every time Jaya had paid for what is priceless when freely given filled her. Jaya lowered her head and, with her fists clenched, she walked away.

  “WILL YOU BE needing me tonight?” Ever calm, Julie piloted the car through rush-hour traffic.

  “No.” Jaya thumbed through her messages again. Two days since she had walked out of the coffee shop and Sarah had walked out of her life. She had lost track of the times she had checked her phone. She had texted her apology, asking to see Sarah to talk, and had no response. She stuffed the phone back in her pocket. Why would she return my texts? She replayed the scene from the cafe. Bile rose in her throat. The car stopped in front of her building. “No, Julie, I’m in for the night.”

  She checked the front of the building before she went inside. She still had not changed the entry code. Sloppy. She snorted annoyed with herself for being so lax. What the hell is wrong with me? Gooseflesh prickled her skin when she saw the envelope tucked into the doorframe of her apartment building. Her name was written on the front in a spidery script. She opened it and skimmed it to see who had signed it. Sarah. Why a note? Why not text? She stuffed it in her pocket and went inside.

  On the ride up in the elevator, she read the letter, rushing through it in the hope that Sarah had changed her mind, that she might make it up to her, to let her try again. Her heart fell faster than the elevator rose. No forgiveness, no surprises. A request to leave her alone, to never contact her. She blew out a breath.

  When did the wheels come off the cart? Not hungry, she tossed the letter on the table. She picked up her phone to text Sarah, ready to demand that she see her, to listen. But that’s the point. I don’t listen. I ignored her desires. She remembered Sarah taking her on the couch and flushed. She had opened herself to Sarah as Sarah had opened to her. She trusted me. She’s honest. And I fucked Deidre anyway. We never talked about an exclusive relationship. But wasn’t that what I wanted? Wasn’t that what I asked her for? She refused to give in, to give up. Sarah was worth fighting for, worth changing for. This time Jaya would listen.

  “I CAN’T DO this anymore.” Sarah sat back in the booth. “I know the people in this coffee shop must think we’re insane, and right now I agree with them. I’m done, Jaya. I’m ready to get off this crazy train.”

  “I screwed up. I know it.” Jaya fidgeted with the napkin. “Let me have another chance. Please.” She reached for Sarah’s hand.

  Sarah drew her hand back. She held Jaya in her gaze. “I’m going to say this once, so you need to hear me. I am trying to finish my dissertation. I don’t need this drama in my life. I have to do this. I left Rowan House and my old life behind for a reason. I can’t live like this. I can’t trust you to not get mad and fuck someone else because I told you no.”

  Jaya opened her mouth to interrupt, but the fierce look in Sarah’s eyes stopped her.

  “I need someone I can depend on; a grown up, not a stunted woman-child who thinks she can fight or buy her way out of anything. I live in the real world. I’m done with you and this, whatever we’ve had. I should have never agreed to see you again. I left Rowan House because I wanted a different life. A life I control.”

  “What can I do?” Jaya hated the pleading sound in her own voice.

  “I gave you a chance and it was wonderful, but I don’t trust you. Not now. Not after you went running back to Deidre after what we had because I said I didn’t want to live with you. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than worry that every time you don’t get what you want you storm off and fuck someone else.”

  “We didn’t have an exclusive agreement. What about this?” Jaya tossed the torque on the table, the ringing of the metal lost in the din of early morning in the cafe. “Why did you agree to meet with me again? Why not leave me another letter?”

  Sarah frowned and raised her eyebrow. “What? What letter?”

  Fucking Deidre and her schemes. “Never mind. So it ends here? This is it? Look, I know about Andrea. Why didn’t you say anything when you saw her picture?” Jaya’s voice was loud and her cheeks were hot. Anger and pain dug at her heart.

  “That is what I’m talking about, Jaya. You get angry when you don’t get what you want.” Sarah leaned forward, her gaze hard, giving Jaya no quarter, and spread her hands out on the table. “I made it clear when we started this. Nothing about Rowan House.”

  Jaya blew out a breath. “I wanted you to tell me.”

  “Would it have made a difference? Knowing it was someone you knew?” She picked up the torque. She ran her fingers over the engraving before shoving it in her bag. “You don’t get it. And you don’t get me.”

  She picked up her messenger bag and scooted to the end of the booth. Jaya reached out to touch her arm. She pulled her hand back at a look from Sarah.

  “Sarah. Wait. Please help me understand.” Jaya kept her voice even. “Help me understand why you don’t want what I can give you. Help me understand what you want. When you refused to move in with me and refused to tell me about the burns, I thought you were with someone else. I don’t know why I went with Deidre. I’m an idiot. It’s okay if you still want to leave me, but help me understand why.” Jaya looked up, not sure what else she could do. “I’m sorry.”

  “How many times are we going to do this?” Sarah dropped her bag to the floor and sat back down. She pushed her hands through her hair.

  “This is the last time—if you let me pr
ove to you I can be what you want and need. I’ve spent my life surrounded by people who wanted to be with me because of my money. I haven’t been able to trust anyone.” The explanation sounded stupid to her own ears.

  “Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? Because I don’t. I’ve had to bust my ass or sell it for anything I’ve ever wanted. My oldest sister is married to the village idiot and will have a brood of children as stupid as him. My brother is married to a woman who runs him like a train, and my baby sister has a heroin habit that will kill her sooner than later. All of them will spend their lives working in my family’s fucking hot awful bakery until they are as spent as my parents. I’m out from under their control and expectations and I’ll be damned if anyone is going to control me again.”

  “You don’t know what I’ve done to come by my wealth.” Jaya let anger and resentment creep into her voice and her heart. “What do you know about how I’ve earned my money? Or about my family? My clients paid me to use my body to protect them. Paid me to do whatever it took to keep them safe.”

  “I don’t know what you’ve done for money, but after the beating you gave Jimmy I can guess.” She edged out of the booth and held Jaya with a level gaze. “At least you didn’t have to pretend to enjoy it.”

  The memories of their time at Rowan House played out in Jaya’s mind. “Were you pretending with me?’ Anger seeped into her voice, ugly and unwanted.

  “You have to ask?” Sarah shook her head. She pressed her mouth in a tight line and looked away from Jaya. “I don’t want your money. I don’t want what is yours. I want my freedom. I want to be equal.”

  Stung, Jaya sat back in the booth. “Then why are you mad about Deidre?” Jaya spread her hands out on the tabletop and looked into her eyes. “If you want to be free?”