“Maybe Miss Gabriel can tell us the correct answer?”
I jumped. I had been looking out the window for about ten minutes or more—I couldn’t tell.
“Miss Gabriel?” Ms. Weaver stood in front of my table looking at me with accusing eyes.
“Sorry, I’ve been distracted.”
“So, can you answer the question or not?”
I shook my head, ashamed. I knew I had been lacking concentration since I’d passed the last test.
“Can anyone?” Ms. Weaver addressed the whole class now and I turned back to the window.
“Nineteen-Thirty-nine,” I heard a male voice say. I recognized it as Gregory’s and returned to my own thoughts.
Had Adam lost interest after I had proven not be what he had expected, what he wanted? Why hadn’t he turned up again? He had always found me before. Was it because he didn’t want to find me. Was it about the usual stuff—one attempt, and if you didn’t end up in bed together, the boy lost interest…
I locked the doubting voice away, back into the darkest parts of my mind. Adam tried to talk to me, I told myself. That was more important than everything else. My thoughts started circling again.
The bell rang and Gregory’s hands shook my shoulders.
“Wake up, girl!” he whispered into my ear. I sucked in a startled breath and nearly fell off the chair.
“Don’t do that again,” I shot Greg an irritated look and hurried out of the classroom. I didn’t like being torn from my thoughts.
* * *
I couldn’t wait to get out of the building after the long school day. I had almost reached the front door and lifted my hand to open it when Gregory held it open for me.
“Fancy a lift home?” He smiled at me sheepishly. Nice way of apologizing—something I could get used to.
“That would be nice, thanks.”
Greg led the way to his car and held the passenger door open for me. Then he jumped in the other side and we were on our way.
After a few moments of silence, he looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Claire, what’s been wrong with you the last few weeks?” His tone was cautious.
“What do you mean by wrong?” I faked unawareness.
“You’ve been so distant. Sometimes you seem to be miles away. I’m worried.” He looked at me for a brief second. “If there’s anything I can help you with…” His face was serious now.
I shook my head. “Everything is fine, Greg. I’m just a bit tired—of everything, you know. Don’t worry about me.”
“If you need someone to talk to—” he stopped the car in front of my house and turned to face me, “I’m here for you. Always.” He emphasized the last word and looked into my eyes.
“Thank you, Greg. And thanks for driving me home.” I jumped out of the car, glad to escape further discussion. Greg’s car rolled away slowly, and the sound faded into nothing after a few seconds.
I walked towards the front door, still lost in my thoughts, and searched my pockets for the keys; they had to be somewhere…Swoosh. Something brushed my legs and made me jump. I looked down and saw Antonio trotting around my legs. My heart missed a beat. If Antonio was here, Adam couldn’t be too far away. I looked around. Adam was nowhere to be seen. I knelt down and started stroking the dog.
“Hello, Antonio. Have you brought Adam with you?’ I asked and a small part of me nearly expected an answer.
The dog lay down on the porch and looked at me with big brown eyes.
“What? Are you hungry?”
Still looking at me, Antonio licked his muzzle enthusiastically.
“Wait here, I’ll get you something.” I got to my feet and hurried to unlock the door.
Inside Nigel was waiting for me to let him out. Seeing Antonio through the open door he hissed and spat once, darted out through the open door, and quickly vanished around a corner. Antonio backed away from the cat and whined miserably.
I searched the kitchen for something dog compatible. I found some ham and carried it with me back to the front door. As I stepped back outside, Antonio was sitting a few feet away, looking at me expectantly.
“Look, I got you some ham.”
Antonio got to his feet and trotted over to me. He took the piece of ham carefully from my hands with his soft brown mouth.
“Antonio!” The voice was unmistakably Adam’s. I turned to where the voice had come from, but I didn’t see Adam.
Antonio lifted his left ear for a second and sniffed, but he stayed with me and continued eating the ham out of my hands.
I concentrated on the nice brown color of Antonio’s fur rather than looking back to where Adam’s voice had come from. I just ignored that I had heard him. It was childish, but I couldn’t think of how to react when I saw him. And then I realized I didn’t need to think about a reaction. Adam’s sneakers had appeared behind Antonio and I was shocked; although I had known he was nearby. I didn’t dare look up. My hands started stroking Antonio’s head in a calming motion, though I was sure he wasn’t the one who needed to calm down.
“You cannot ignore me forever,” Adam said after a minute or two. I still didn’t look up.
“You can’t stand there forever waiting for me to stop ignoring you.” My eyes were staring at my fingers running through the soft fur.
A few moments of silence followed.
“I need to talk to you, Claire.” Adam’s voice was velvety soft. I forced my gaze to stay focused on my hands. I remembered having heard that sentence out of Adam’s mouth before.
“You ran away …anyway, it’s been two weeks since.” All the accumulated disappointment was evident in my voice.
“You are right, Claire. I ran away. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”
He had actually come here to apologize, I couldn’t believe it. I looked up in surprise. His appearance caught me off guard. I had expected the perfect guy that had left me a few weeks earlier. Adam looked nothing like I remembered him. His hair was longer, his eyes seemed grayish instead of bright green and his smile was gone. The jeans he wore looked faded, the thick gray jacket was the only thing that seemed to be the same. My chest started hurting and my breath felt too shallow to fill my lungs.
“What happened to you?” I whispered. I couldn’t imagine why he would look so wasted after such a short time.
“Let’s say I had an interesting time.” He smiled, but it was a weak echo of the smiles I had gotten from his former self.
“Interesting?” He made me curious. I wanted to know everything.
“Can we sit down somewhere?”
“We can go inside, Sophie won’t be home util seven.” I glanced at my watch—ten to five—and started moving towards the front door. “Come with me, Antonio.” The dog eyed me suspiciously then looked around, obviously searching for signs of Nigel.
“The cat’s not here, don’t worry.” I encouraged him.
Antonio rose from the floor and trotted into the house behind me. Adam followed closely.
“Please, sit down.” I offered Adam one of the kitchen chairs. “Want something to drink?”
“Just water.” He nodded.
I got a glass of water for Adam and a cup of tea for myself and sat down opposite him, placing his glass between us in the middle of the table. Antonio curled up on my feet again and rested his head on his paws.
“Shoot,” I commanded.
“I didn’t get a lot of sleep over the past two weeks.” He stared at the kitchen table, pondering. “First, I had to study for an exam in anatomy,” he continued, “second, I had a lot to think about…And Third, I tried to ban some things from my life…”
“Including me,” I interrupted without thinking.
He smiled his weak smile. “No. I never had the intention of banning you from my life. Contrary, I tried to ban some things so I can keep you in my life.”
This was starting to confuse me. I gave him a questioning look.
“You said you don’t want a freak messing up your life.”
“I tried to ban the freakpart from my life.” He tore me from my thoughts.
“What do you mean?”
“I tried to ignore the things I perceive, or receive—sense from people. Remember what I told you the last time we talked?”
I nodded, suppressing the horror the memory of our last conversation inflicted.
“I tried to not receive anything. I looked at people and didn’t see anything. I tried hard and it worked—for a few days.”
“For a few days?” I shot him a questioning look.
“Yes. But it cost me a lot of energy keeping it under control.” He looked at me intensely. “If I could explain any better I would. It just seems I have a talent for perceiving people’s feelings and circumstances without having them tell me.” His face grimaced. “It’s scary. It freaks me out. I can’t imagine how much it might scare you when I don’t know how to handle it myself.”
A few moments of silence followed. His eyes were far away, still gray and lethargic, brows knitting together before he continued talking.
“As I said, first I tried to ban it from my life, but it cost me so much energy keeping it under control.
“When I started to ban it I couldn’t sleep anymore, I couldn’t concentrate anymore and worst of all, I couldn’t think of you anymore like I had before—The memory of your face was growing darker and it hurt, physically, to let go of you that way.” His voice embraced the word you as if it was breakable.
I felt my mouth falling open but no sound escaped.
“I’ve never been able to figure out where it came from, and since I can’t change it, I try to see it as a gift, like somebody else is gifted with music or art. If you take away a musician’s instrument you take away the essence of his life, the reason for his existence. They will never rest again until they find something to fill the hole you have created by robbing them of their most precious good.” He took a deep breath. “Suppressing my gift is like taking away my instrument. I need to feel the people around me. It’s my way of sensing the world. If I don’t perceive what is screaming for my attention, I ignore my second eyesight. I cannot ban what I am, Claire.” He shook his head as if to clarify his point. “I’m sorry.” His face grew harder with every word. “I just wanted to let you know that I tried. I’ll leave you alone now.” With these final words he got to his feet and headed outside, Antonio shuffling away behind him. A few seconds later the front door shut and Adam was gone.
I was paralyzed. Trying to regain control over my body I absorbed the details of the kitchen. The walls were white and clean. The cupboards were closed and made a nice contrast with their dark red surface. The table was bare and made of light brown wood. Adam’s cup was sitting where I had put it earlier. He hadn’t even touched it.
Adam. Adam. “Adam.” I finally found my voice. I got to my feet and headed for the door. When I stepped outside, Adam was gone.
I sat down on the stairs and rested my head in my hands. He had come to tell me he could not be what I wanted and in my confusion I had let him go. Why on earth hadn’t I said something to make him stay? After all—he was all I wanted.
I was still sitting on the stairs when Sophie parked her car in the driveway. Ian was with her.
“Claire!” Sophie exclaimed disbelievingly as she saw me sitting on the cold stairs in front of the open door. I didn’t know what I looked like, but I brushed over my face with the sleeve of my thin sweater, hoping to rub a different expression onto my features.
“Sophie, Ian, hi,” my voice sounded shaken and hoarse. I pushed myself up and went inside.
“What’s wrong?” Sophie asked, alarmed.
I had to smile at her horrified expression. It wasn’t like Adam had died, he had just made it clear that he thought it better to not be with me. I shrugged and forced a steadier smile.
“I had an unpleasant conversation with a—” What exactly was he? “—friend.”
“And that leaves you sitting on the stairs lethargically?” She shot me a measuring look.
Sophie was right. It wasn’t right that it affected me so much. “For a moment. But I’m fine now.” I smiled again—an honest smile this time. I was thankful to have my sister. And I was thankful that she had Ian. He was good for her. She was a lot more even-tempered since they’d been together again.
It took me a few days to digest the shock of my last encounter with Adam. From a distance, everything he had said made sense—somehow. It wasn’t like I could tell why I suddenly found I could probably live with his gift, as he called it, but I definitely knew I would get used to it—if I got a chance.
And there still was the alien flash in his eyes—his beautiful eyes—I hadn’t thought about that for a long time. Honestly, I started to wonder if I had imagined it.
The workload they had put on us at school helped to take my mind off things a bit. There was barely enough time left to do much with Amber or Greg—Lydia was very busy spending every second of her free time with Richard. That also meant, there wasn’t a lot of time to even think about visiting the graveyard. We all groaned under the pressure. I spent most of the evenings at home or at Gregory’s, trying to catch up with the homework and study the most important issues to spread the risk in order to decrease my chances of failing a test. Greg tried to talk me into a movie night or similar evening activities several times. Luckily I always found a plausible reason why I needed to be elsewhere. But this tactic didn’t work forever.
“Why are you avoiding me,” Gregory asked over the rim of his notebook. Only his eyes were visible.
“I’m not avoiding you,” I objected. “We study together—eight days a week”
His eyes stayed guarded. “I know. That’s not what I mean.” He lowered the notebook to his lap. “You study with me, but you won’t spend time with me just for fun. I’m reduced to being a study partner.” His gaze snapped up.
I knew this bound to happen. “Our schedule is full at the moment. What do you suggest? Ignore it? Hang out at the movies until it crashes down on us?” I knew I was being unfair, but I was still trying to figure out what I should do with Adam—or without him. I didn’t have the patience for I’m-only-your-study-pal discussions at the moment. But Greg didn’t let it go.
“I would find some free time to just hang out with you.”
“Yeah, that’s because you are not as dim-witted as me,” I snapped at him.
“No,” he shook his head energetically, “that’s because you are important to me.”
Ouch!
“Claire?” His expression was serious. He looked more like a man than a boy, more mature. The square of his shoulders helped to enforce this impression. “I like spending time with you, even if it’s only studying. I like it because I do it with you.” He blinked several times and looked away for a moment, probably searching for words. I waited, not trusting that any action I could take would prevent him from what he was about to say.
“I’ve been trying to show you that you mean more to me than friendship.” And there it was. Surprise! “You just don’t seem to get it if I don’t say it out loud.” No honey, I’ve been successfully ignoring it—until now. I had to be honest or it would become worse.
“Greg,”I started, “I really, really like you. You’re one of the few people who know everything about my past, about my parents.” I didn’t know how to say it in a sensitive way, so I took the first phrase that came to my mind. “Greg, there is another boy I’m in love with. I’m sorry.” I realized what I had just said and my head stumbled on the words.
Gregory didn’t look surprised. “It’s that older guy, isn’t it? The one from the club.” It was no question.
I nodded, my gaze fixed on my hands. “I don’t want to hurt you, Greg. It hurts me
, having to tell you this; but, you’re my best friend, I owe you honesty.” It was right, letting him know. Keeping him in the dark would only make it worse for him.
He looked at me, thinking for a minute.
“Let’s return to page twelve. We still have a lot of work to go through.” He smiled; but it didn’t seem easy for him, holding his lips curled in place. As soon as he thought I wasn’t watching anymore, his face fell.
* * *
I handed in my homework and went back to my seat. Gregory had picked the seat behind mine. He stared through me absentmindedly as I packed my books into my bag impatiently. To make it easier for him, I had suggested we reduce the time we spent together, but Gregory had insisted on studying with me as always. I won’t let that bother our friendship, he had said the other night. For some reason I had believed him. On the other hand, I was sure that he wouldn’t be so tolerant when he saw Adam kissing me, if he ever kissed me again. My thoughts trailed off …I hadn’t seen Adam for too many days and I wasn’t sure if I would ever see him again, but …Again the newly gained knowledge exploded in my head, sending hot shivers down my spine. I was sure of one thing: I was in love with him.
I tried to focus on the lecture. I couldn’t do anything about my feelings. I wanted to tell Adam that I had decided, I didn’t care about his special talents. When I thought of them as supernatural and defined supernatural with its original meaning, as super—more than average—and natural, I was able to deal with them. By that definition he had talents that others didn’t. Who cared. I had known he was special right from the beginning; his talents were just another proof of this already old fact.
I was surprised how my love for Adam had made me feel differently about the things I had shied away from at first.
“What’s so interesting about Kant?” Amber babbled beside me.
Lydia shot her a bewildered look and shook her head. “You can’t understand the importance and momentousness of his work if you’re talking like that,” she said disbelievingly.
Amber frowned at her. I wasn’t interested in joining the conversation about the philosopher.
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