by Tahereh Mafi
I meet his eyes. I’m afraid to approach him.
“Please,” Castle says to Alia and Winston—the two standing closest on either side of him—“help me up. I’d like to greet our newest visitor.”
He’s not talking about me.
Castle gets to his feet with some difficulty, even with everyone scrambling to help him. The entire room suddenly feels different: lighter; happier, somehow. I hadn’t realized how much of everyone’s grief was tied up in Castle’s well-being.
“Mr. Warner,” Castle says, locking eyes with him from across the room. “How very nice of you to join us.”
“I’m not joining anyth—”
“I always knew you would,” Castle says. He smiles a little. “And I am pleased.”
Warner seems to be trying not to roll his eyes.
“You may let the guns down now,” Castle says to him. “I promise I will watch them closely in your absence.”
We all glance up at the ceiling. I hear Warner sigh. All at once, the guns float to the floor, settling gently onto the carpet.
“Very good,” Castle says. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m in desperate need of a long shower. I hope you won’t mistake my early exit for rudeness,” he adds. “It’s only that I feel quite certain we’ll be seeing a lot of each other in these next weeks.”
Warner’s jaw tenses by way of response.
Castle smiles.
Winston and Brendan help Castle to the bathroom, while Ian shouts eagerly about grabbing him a change of clothes. Me, Warner, James, Alia, and Lily are the only ones left in the room.
“Juliette?” Warner says.
I glance in his direction.
“A moment of your time, please? In private?”
I hesitate.
“You can use my room,” James interjects. “I don’t mind.”
I look at him, shocked he’d offer up his personal space so freely to the likes of me and Warner; especially after having seen his brother’s outburst just now.
“Adam will be okay,” James says to me, as if reading my mind. “He’s just really stressed out. He’s worried about a lot of things. He thinks we’re going to run out of food and stuff.”
“James—”
“It’s really okay,” James says. “I’ll hang out with Alia and Lily.”
I glance at the two girls, but their faces reveal nothing. Alia offers me only the slightest of sympathetic smiles. Lily is staring at Warner, sizing him up.
I finally sigh, relenting.
I follow Warner into the small storage closet, closing the door behind me.
He doesn’t waste any time.
“Why are you inviting your friends to join us? I told you I didn’t want to work with them.”
“How did you find me?” I counter. “I never pressed the button on that pager you gave me.”
Warner studies my eyes, his sharp green gaze locked on to mine as if trying to read me for clues. But the intensity of his gaze is always too much for me; I break the connection too soon, feeling untethered, somehow.
“It was simple deductive reasoning,” he finally says. “Kent was the only member of your group with a life outside of Omega Point; his old home was the only place they’d have been able to retreat to without causing a disturbance. And, as such,” Warner says, “it was the first place I checked.” A slight shake of his head. “Contrary to what you might believe, love, I am not an idiot.”
“I never thought you were an idiot,” I say, surprised. “I thought you were crazy,” I tell him, “but not an idiot.” I hesitate. “I actually think you’re brilliant,” I confess. “I wish I could think like you.” I look away and look back at him too quickly, feeling a lot like I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.
Warner’s face clears. His eyes crinkle in amusement as he smiles. “I don’t want your friends on my team,” he says. “I don’t like them.”
“I don’t care.”
“They will only slow us down.”
“They will give us an advantage,” I insist. “I know you don’t think they did things the right way at Omega Point, but they did know how to survive. They all have important strengths.”
“They’re completely broken.”
“They’re grieving,” I tell him, annoyed. “Don’t underestimate them. Castle is a natural leader,” I say. “Kenji is a genius and an excellent fighter. He acts like an idiot sometimes, but you know better than anyone else that it’s just a show. He’s smarter than all of us. Plus, Winston and Alia can design anything we need as long as they have the materials; Lily has an incredible photographic memory; Brendan can handle electricity and Winston can stretch his limbs into just about anything. And Ian . . .” I falter. “Well, Ian is . . . good for something, I’m sure.”
Warner laughs a little, his smile softening until it disappears altogether. His features settle into an uncertain expression. “And Kent?” Warner finally asks.
I feel my face pale. “What about him?”
“What is he good for?”
I hesitate before answering. “Adam is a great soldier.”
“Is that all?”
My heart is pounding so hard. Too hard.
Warner looks away, carefully neutralizes his expression, his tone. “You care for him.”
It’s not a question.
“Yes,” I manage to say. “Of course I do.”
“And what does that entail, exactly?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I lie.
Warner is staring at the wall, holding himself very still, his eyes revealing nothing of what he’s really thinking, what he’s feeling. “Do you love him?”
I’m stunned.
I can’t even imagine what it must cost him to ask this question so directly. I almost admire him for being brave enough to do it.
But for the first time, I’m not really sure what to say. If this were one week ago, two weeks ago, I would’ve answered without hesitation. I would’ve known, definitively, that I loved Adam, and I wouldn’t have been afraid to say so. But now I can’t help but wonder if I even know what love is; if what I felt for Adam was love or just a mix of deep affection and physical attraction. Because if I loved him—if I really, truly loved him—would I hesitate now? Would I so easily be able to detach myself from his life? His pain?
I’ve worried so much about Adam these past weeks—the effects of his training, the news of his father—but I don’t know if it’s been out of love, or if it’s been out of guilt. He left everything for me; because he wanted to be with me. But as much as it pains me to admit it, I know I didn’t run away to be with him. Adam wasn’t my main reason; he wasn’t the driving force.
I ran away for me. Because I wanted to be free.
“Juliette?”
Warner’s soft whisper brings me back to the present, hauls me up and into myself, jarring my consciousness back to reality. I’m afraid to dwell on the truths I’ve just uncovered.
I meet Warner’s eyes. “Yes?”
“Do you love him?” he asks again, more quietly this time.
And I suddenly have to force myself to say three words I never, ever thought I’d say. “I don’t know.”
Warner closes his eyes.
He exhales, the tension clear in his shoulders and in the line of his jaw and when he finally looks at me again there are stories in his eyes, thoughts and feelings and whispers of things I’ve never even seen before. Truths he might never bring himself to say; impossible things and unbelievable things and an abundance of feeling I’ve never thought him capable of. His whole body seems to relax in relief.
I don’t know this boy standing before me. He’s a perfect stranger, an entirely different being; the type of person I might never have known if my parents hadn’t tossed me away.
“Juliette,” he whispers.
I’m only now realizing just how close he is. I could press my face against his neck if I wanted to. Could place my hands on his chest if I wanted to.
If I wanted to.
“I’d really love for you to come back with me,” he says.
“I can’t,” I say to him, heart racing suddenly. “I have to stay here.”
“But it’s not practical,” he says. “We need to plan. We need to talk strategy—it could take days—”
“I already have a plan.”
His eyebrows fly up and I tilt my head, fixing him with a hard look before I reach for the door.
TWENTY-THREE
Kenji is waiting on the other side.
“What the hell do you two think you’re doing?” he says. “Get your asses out here, right now.”
I head straight into the living room, eager to put distance between me and whatever keeps happening to my head when Warner gets too close. I need air. I need a new brain. I need to jump out of a window and catch a ride with a dragon to a world far from here.
But the moment I look up and try to steady myself, I find Adam staring at me. Blinking like he’s starting to see something he wishes he could unsee, and I feel my face flush so fast that for a moment I’m surprised I’m not standing in a toilet.
“Adam,” I hear myself say. “No—it’s not—”
“I can’t even talk to you right now.” He’s shaking his head, his voice strangled. “I can’t even be near you right now—”
“Please,” I try to say. “We were just talking—”
“You were just talking? Alone? In my brother’s bedroom?” He’s holding his jacket in his hands. He tosses it onto the couch. Laughs like he might be losing his mind. Runs a hand through his hair and glances up at the ceiling. Stares back at me. “What the hell is going on, Juliette?” he asks, his jaw tensing. “What is happening right now?”
“Can’t we talk about this in private—?”
“No.” His chest is heaving. “I want to talk about this right now. I don’t care who hears it.”
My eyes immediately go to Warner. He’s leaning against the wall just outside James’s room, arms crossed loosely at his chest. He’s watching Adam with a calm, focused interest.
Warner stills suddenly, as if he can feel my eyes on him.
He looks up, looks at me for exactly two seconds before turning away. He seems to be laughing.
“Why do you keep looking at him?” Adam demands, eyes flashing. “Why are you even looking at him at all? Why are you so interested in some demented psycho—”
I’m so tired of this.
I’m tired of all the secrets and all my inner turmoil and all the guilt and confusion I’ve felt over these two brothers. More than anything else, I don’t like this angry Adam in front of me.
I try to talk to him and he won’t listen to me. I try to reason with him and he attacks me. I try to be honest with him and he won’t believe me. I have no idea what else to do.
“What’s really going on between you guys?” Adam is still asking me. “What’s really happening, Juliette? I need you to stop lying to me—”
“Adam.” I cut him off. I’m surprised by how calm I sound. “There’s so much we need to be discussing right now,” I say to him, “and this isn’t it. Our personal problems don’t need to be shared with everyone.”
“So you admit it then?” he says, somehow angrier. “That we have problems, that something is wrong—”
“Something’s been wrong for a while,” I say, exasperated. “I can’t even talk to y—”
“Yeah, ever since we dragged this asshole back to Omega Point,” Adam says. He turns to glare at Kenji. “It was your idea—”
“Hey, don’t pull me into your bullshit, okay?” Kenji counters. “Don’t blame me for your issues.”
“We were fine until she started spending so much goddamn time with him—,” Adam begins to say.
“She spent just as much time with him while we were still on base, genius—”
“Stop,” I say. “Please understand: Warner is here to help us. He wants to take down The Reestablishment and kill the supreme just like we do—he’s not our enemy anymore—”
“He’s going to help us?” Adam asks, eyes wide, feigning surprise. “Oh, you mean just like he helped us the last time he said he was going to fight on our side? Right before he broke out of Omega Point and bailed?” Adam laughs out loud, disbelieving. “I can’t believe you’re falling for all of his bullshit—”
“This isn’t some kind of trick, Adam—I’m not stupid—”
“Are you sure?”
“What?” I can’t believe he just insulted me.
“I asked you if you were sure,” he snaps. “Because you’re acting pretty damn stupid right now, so I don’t know if I can trust your judgment anymore.”
“What is wrong with you—”
“What’s wrong with you?” he shouts back, eyes blazing. “You don’t do this. You don’t act like this,” he says. “You’re like a completely different person—”
“Me?” I demand, my voice rising. I’ve been trying so hard to control my temper but I just don’t think I can anymore. He says he wants to have this conversation in front of everyone?
Fine.
We’ll have this conversation in front of everyone.
“If I’ve changed,” I say to him, “then so have you. Because the Adam I remember is kind and gentle and he’d never insult me like this. I know things have been rough for you lately, and I’m trying to understand, to be patient, to give you space—but these last few weeks have been rough on all of us. We’re all going through a hard time but we don’t put each other down. We don’t hurt each other. But you can’t even be nice to Kenji,” I tell him. “You used to be friends with Kenji, remember? Now every time he so much as cracks a joke you look at him like you want to kill him, and I don’t know why—”
“You’re going to defend everyone in this room except for me, aren’t you?” Adam says. “You love Kenji so much, you spend all your goddamn time with Kenji—”
“He’s my friend!”
“I’m your boyfriend!”
“No,” I tell him. “You’re not.”
Adam is shaking, fists clenched. “I can’t even believe you right now.”
“We broke up, Adam.” My voice is steady. “We broke up a month ago.”
“Right,” Adam says. “We broke up because you said you loved me. Because you said you didn’t want to hurt me.”
“I don’t,” I tell him. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to hurt you.”
“What the hell do you think you’re doing right now?” he shouts.
“I don’t know how to talk to you,” I tell him, shaking my head. “I don’t understand—”
“No—you don’t understand anything,” he snaps. “You don’t understand me, you don’t understand yourself, and you don’t understand that you’re acting like a stupid child who’s allowed herself to be brainwashed by a psychopath.”
Time seems to stand still.
Everything I want to say and everything I’ve wished to say begins to take shape, falling to the floor and scrambling upright. Paragraphs and paragraphs begin building walls around me, blocking and justifying as they find ways to fit together, linking and weaving and leaving no room for escape. And every single space between every unspoken word clambers up and into my open mouth, down my throat and into my chest, filling me with so much emptiness I think I might just float away.
I’m breathing.
So hard.
A throat clears.
“Yes, right, I’m really sorry to interrupt,” Warner says, stepping forward. “But Juliette, I need to get going. Are you sure you want to stay here?”
I freeze.
“GET OUT,” Adam shouts. “Get the hell out of my house, you piece of shit. And don’t come back here.”
“Well,” Warner says, cocking his head at me. “Never mind. It looks like you don’t really have a choice.” He holds out his hand. “Shall we?”
“You’re not taking her anywhere.” Adam turns on him. “She’s not leaving with you, and she’s not partnering up with
you. Now get lost.”
“Adam. STOP.” My voice is angrier than I mean it to be, but I can’t help it anymore. “I don’t need your permission. I’m not going to live like this. I’m not hiding anymore. You don’t have to come with me—you don’t even have to understand,” I tell him. “But if you loved me, you wouldn’t stand in my way.”
Warner is smiling.
Adam notices.
“Is there something you want to say?” Adam turns on him.
“God, no,” Warner says. “Juliette doesn’t require my assistance. And you might not have realized it yet, but it’s obvious to everyone else that you’ve lost this fight, Kent.”
Adam snaps.
He charges forward, fist pulled back and ready to swing, and it all happens so quickly I only have time to gasp before I hear a sharp crack.
Adam’s fist is frozen only inches from Warner’s face. It’s caught in Warner’s hand.
Adam is shocked into silence, his whole body shaking from the unspent energy. Warner leans into his brother’s face, whispers, “You really don’t want to fight me, you idiot,” and hurls Adam’s fist back with so much force that Adam flies backward, catching himself just before hitting the floor.
Adam is up. Bolting across the room. Angrier.
Kenji tackles him.
Adam is shouting for Kenji to let him go, to stop getting involved, and Kenji is yanking Adam across the room against his will. He somehow manages to haul open the front door, and pulls himself and Adam outside.
The door slams shut behind them.
TWENTY-FOUR
James, is my first thought.
I spin around, searching the room for him, hoping he’s all right, only to find that Lily has already had the foresight to take him into his room.
Everyone else is staring at me.
“What the hell was that?” Ian is the first to break the silence.
He, Brendan, and Winston are all gaping at me. Alia is standing off to the side, arms wrapped around her body. Castle must still be in the shower.