by Sarah Delany
Watching her out of the corner of my eye I see her lie her head down on her folded arms like she’s going to sleep. Her eyes face the front with a neutral expression so I can’t tell if she’s interested or not. I shift in my seat and rest my arms on the desk. She doesn’t move at all. I glance down at her, she’s so tiny and helpless. Turning her head she rests on the other side so her face is away from me and her ponytail hangs down like a curtain hiding her from me. I wonder what she’s thinking. Do her thoughts hurt her, like mine hurt me? Or is it something else? Is it a person or situation which has her looking so wounded? How I desperately want to know. I don’t know this girl and what I have seen of her, should have me keeping my distance. For some unknown reason she draws me in, like a moth to a flame. Maybe I’m about to get burned.
Chapter 2
---Tamsyn---
I’m drowning. I’m drowning in pain, hurt and in grief. So overwhelmed I can’t think. I am numb. The pain is so strong it’s made me numb to everything and everyone. I plaster on my fake smile and do what’s expected of me. No one thinks anything is different because I don’t give them a reason to. But everything has changed. Why can’t they see? Why can’t they feel the pain radiating off of me in waves? It’s suffocating me. I can’t breathe. Why won’t they save me? Will someone save me please? Help me, I’m drowning.
Six months ago
As I enter the dimly lit room I feel the chill in the air. Quiet. We all anticipate what we are about to see. A few more steps into the room and I’m glancing down at him. He looks so peaceful. Strangely like himself but strangely different. Eyes closed, lips tightly shut. He could be asleep. But he’s not. I watch him closely, waiting for his chest to rise and as I stare at him, I can trick myself into thinking it does. But it doesn’t. It’s my heart torturing me and my mind playing tricks on me. My cheeks are wet and my vision goes blurry from more tears. I didn’t think my heart could hurt more than it already did. Tentatively I stretch out my shaking hand to touch his pale forehead. So cold and hard. It doesn’t feel like him. Where has his warmth gone? I run my hands over his chest to get closer to him. Oh how I wish I could hug him and hold him tight in my arms. My shaking hand travels down his arm to his hand. These hard working hands. I try to capture them in my memory so I won’t forget these hands. The hands which held mine when we’d cross the road. The same hands which would squeeze me tight when I’d leave. The fingers which would wiggle at the T.V. like it was helping him to focus on the screen better. The hands that worked hard all his life to provide for us. I will truly miss these hands.
So consumed in the moment I don’t realise I am alone. Where did they go?
“Oh Daddy how I miss you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. Please come back. I need you back, Daddy.” Can he hear my whispers? I can’t see now with the river of tears unleashed. Turning around to grab some tissues to wipe my face the door squeaks open and my mum appears. Her face drops when she sees me so distressed.
“Oh love we shouldn’t have left you alone in here. Come let’s go,” she says as she urges me to leave. She wraps her thin arms around me and tries to tug me from the quiet room, away from him.
“No. I want my Daddy,” I cry. I plant my feet and won’t budge. I’m bigger than her and her efforts won’t shift my stubborn feet. “Please, a bit longer?” I plead. She relents and releases me. Eyes back on his chest again in case it rises. I watch and watch. I wonder if he can hear my heart breaking where he is. Can he feel my pain? I cling to his stone cold hand like it will keep him with me. I don’t want to let go but I must. I would stay here all day if I could but the others are ready and I don’t want to burden them by saying I need more time. Begrudgingly I let go of his hand and bend down to give him a final kiss on his forehead. “Bye Daddy. I love you,” I whisper. My feet unwillingly lead me away from him. My heart and head are crying out to go back in there and stay with him but I must go. I must leave. Breathe. Just breathe I tell myself as my feet take me further away from him. My heart cracks more with every step, leaving pieces of me behind in the cold, quiet room. Pieces of myself I don’t know how to get back. Pieces which leave me cut open and wounded and I don’t know how to stop the pain those wounds cause. I am broken now and I don’t know how to fix it.
Present day
I rest my head on my folded arms on the desk and try my best to pay attention to my human bio teacher. Breathe Tam, breathe. You can get through this day. It’s one day, you can do it. Stuck sitting between Snotty Scotty and the new guy Tate has me already dreading this class. Why did I have to get stuck between them of all people? Gosh I was such a bitch to Tate in English. Tate. Why does his name sound familiar? Ugh I’m sick of treating people like dirt but I can’t help it. He didn’t do anything to me and I was a cow. I’m so pathetic and stupid. I need to stop hanging out with those girls. Why do I need to impress them by putting other people down? It’s because they don’t care about me so they don’t see the darkness warring inside of me. I can keep it contained around them. They can’t see it leaking out of me because they don’t want to see it. No one wants to see because no one cares enough to see. Breathe, just breathe. In and out. In and out. Why would anyone care about me anyway? I’m too messed up inside, too broken to fix.
I glance at the clock on the wall and realise I’ve been spaced out for most of the class. This is going to be my new normal. I straighten my back and shift to a sitting position so I can pay attention and try to catch the last bit of class. As I’m adjusting myself in my seat my arm grazes against warm flesh. I peer up and notice Tate watching me with a weird expression on his face like he can read my thoughts. Shit, can he read my thoughts? Great, now I’m going crazy thinking the new guy has super powers. Shit Tam, you’re cracking now. Why is he still gawking at me?
“You can stop staring at me now,” I whisper yell at him angrily trying to get him to break eye contact. His eyes crinkle and his lips curve up then he turns his attention back to the teacher. Jeez, who is this guy? I was a bitch to him in English and here he is smirking at me like he finds me funny. I sit there fuming for the rest of class waiting for the bell to ring so I can get some distance from him. A few minutes later and the bell dings. Quickly I push my chair back, grab my bag and I’m out the door before anyone can stop me. I stomp down the hall and my hands start shaking. I duck into the closest bathroom and lock myself in the last stall. I clench my fists to stop the shaking and notice I’m breathing hard. What’s going on? What’s wrong with me? I close my eyes to try and calm down and I’m reminded of bright green eyes smirking at me. Tate. Breathe, just breathe. And it’s when I realise... I’m angry. It’s the reason I can’t catch my breath. I haven’t felt anger in a long time since……Before. My heart is pounding. I can’t remember the last time I felt it beat or cared for that matter and now it’s beating so fast, it’s going to rip out of my chest. All because of Tate.
By the time I’m able to calm myself down enough to leave the stall, the bell is ringing for the end of the third period. Shit, I missed my class. I stagger to the mirror and inspect my face. I see hollow eyes lack any life. I see a pale face with sharp cheekbones. I used to have more fat on my face, so I must be losing weight. Guess a lack of appetite will do that to you. My hair is a giant mess. I pull the scrunchie out and brush my hair out with my fingers. Strands of hair come away and I let them fall to the floor. My once thick voluminous hair is thin and lifeless. I try to fluff what hair I have and replace my mask with the fake smile. There she is; the imposter. The face belongs to me but I have no connection with it any more. With this face firmly in place, I make my way to the cafeteria for lunch. I drag my feet to the swinging doors and push my way in, searching the crowded tables for my friends. I line up with a tray to grab some food. Picking up a salad and an apple which I won’t eat, I walk to my usual table and take an empty seat. Greeted by smiles, I return one and let them continue their conversation they were having.
Weight across my sho
ulder draws my attention back to the present. Four sets of eyes are on me and I’ve got no idea what they want from me.
“Huh?” is all I can say. Laughter comes from my side and I turn to focus on where the weight is coming from. It’s Blake’s arm, my boyfriend’s arm.
“Silly Tammy, you must have zoned out. School boring you already?” he smiles at me. I return his smile like it’s the reason I didn’t hear what they were saying.
“We were talking about the new guy, JP’s cousin and how he’s made friends with Snotty Scotty. He must have social suicide if he’s hanging out with him,” he mockingly comments. “Although he is JP’s cousin so can’t give him too much of a hard time.” Everyone around the table snickers so I join in like I agree. I could add my two cents worth and tell them I’m stuck sitting between Scott and Tate in class but I can’t be bothered. I can’t wait for this day to be over.
Blake’s grip on my shoulder tightens as he pulls me closer into his side. I turn my face to his and turn my lips up into a smile because it’s what he expects. A girlfriend should smile at her boyfriend right? She should feel something? But he doesn’t take away the numbness. He must believe the smile, leaning forward he brings his lips quickly to mine. I peck him quickly and snuggle into his side. He doesn’t know anything is wrong with me. He hasn’t noticed a change. You would think being with him for over a year he would see how I’ve changed. Blake, more than anyone should notice but he doesn’t. I don’t think he cares. They start talking about plans for this weekend so I zone out again. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of trying, tired of being me.
The rest of the day passes in a blur, which I can’t remember much of. Next thing I know, I’m getting dropped off at my house by Blake. I lean over the seat and give him a kiss on the cheek.
“See you tomorrow,” I say as I exit the car. He beeps the horn as he drives away. He stopped asking me to hang out during the week since I made an excuse my mum needs me home to help her. I walk up to the house and enter the unlocked front door. I find mum sitting in the lounge watching some game show on T.V.
“How was your day love?” she asks without taking her eyes off the screen.
“It was good Mum, I think I’ll be able to do better this year,” I lie.
“That’s good to hear, dear.”
“Well I’ve already got homework so I’ll be in my room. Call out when dinner’s ready.” More lies.
“Okay dear.” I trudge up the stairs to my room. Turn the handle and breathe. It’s always easier to breathe in here. Dumping my bag by my door I crawl into bed, kicking off my shoes so I can pull my legs up to my chest and hug myself tight. A hug so tight, I hope I can hold myself together by doing it.
“Dinner’s ready,” Mum yells from the bottom of the stairs. I shake myself out of my brain fuzz and plod downstairs to the kitchen. Glancing at the clock as I enter, I see it’s been about three hours since I entered my room and all I did was stare at the wall. I need to get myself out of this funk. Mum has already plated my food so I sit at the table and force myself to eat as I’m not hungry.
“How’d you get on with your work?” Mum asks.
“Good,” I reply. Her gaze is on me so I lift my eyes in question.
“You okay dear?”
“Yeah Mum, it’s been a long day and I’m tired.” Happy with my answer she continues to eat, adding in some commentary about her day. I nod along like I’m paying attention. Piling a spoonful of unappetizing food into my mouth, I excuse myself saying I’m in need of an early night. She lets me go as she clears away the dishes into the sink. As I travel up the winding stairs I think about having a shower but I can’t be bothered. I go to my room, strip my uniform off and change into a tank and sleep shorts and snuggle under the covers. I’m so tired. So tired yet sleep doesn’t come. I lie in the dark yearning for sleep to take me.
I am two different entities sharing one body. There’s the numb person who goes through the motions and does what she needs to, to get through her day. And then there’s my soul who’s caged and trapped inside me. My soul’s screaming out in pain for someone to see me and save me. The numb person has so firmly pushed the caged being down, I fear no one will ever see or hear my silent screams for help. And I don’t know how to free her myself, I’m not strong enough. I don’t know who I am anymore so how can I free her?
Chapter 3
---Tate---
The rest of the week goes by uneventfully and before I know it, it’s Friday. I’ve gotten into a daily routine riding with JP to and from school then spending most of the afternoon kicking his ass on the Xbox. At night I’ve been going on runs trying to push my body to its breaking point so it has to sleep to recover. I also have an ulterior motive. I have been keeping up the running hoping luck would be on my side and I might come across Tamsyn again but no luck yet. We share those two classes together so I sneakily watch her out of the corner of my eye every chance I can, trying to observe her. Let’s face it, my eyes automatically find her whenever she is near and there’s no stopping them. Every day she pretends around her friends she’s paying attention and everything is fine but once she gets to human bio she does the same thing. Arms folded on the desk with her head down like she’s going to sleep. Staring straight ahead at the board she doesn’t move, I don’t think she’s listening. She doesn’t have any of her regular group of friends in this class so it’s where all the pretending stops. She can let go of the facade and be herself, her withdrawn, fragile and fading self. She doesn’t talk to me or Scott although we don’t try and engage with her either. To be honest she doesn’t look like she’d hear us if we did. I wonder how I can help her. Thinking about her is another reason I haven’t been able to sleep. Worrying about the girl I hardly know. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence. I am protective of her and I know nothing about her. Her question echoes in my head. Would you jump in and save me if I was drowning? That begs the question, what could she possibly be drowning from?
On Friday, the last period of the day, I find myself sitting next to her, stealing glances her way, with her in the exact same sleepy position she’s taken up all week. The bell is about to ring for the end of the day and I don’t want to let her go for the weekend without saying something to her. Feeling brave, I decide to go for it. I don’t want to draw attention so I write her a note. Simple. I’m hoping to break through the barrier she projects to the world and embrace the lost girl inside she tries so hard to hide. Thoughts of blonde hair rise to the surface but I choose to focus on the task at hand and my breathing. Don’t think. Coming up blank on what to write, I quickly draw a star and shade all around it with my black pen so it stands out. Underneath it, I write the word ‘Shine’. I rip the paper off my notebook and fold it up. The bell is about to ring and I don’t want it to be awkward when I give it to her. I plan to make a hurried escape out of class as soon as I pass it to her. I pick my bag up off the floor, shove my books and pens into it and rest it on my shoulder. Staring at the clock on the wall, I wait until there’s a few more seconds left of the class and grab my chance. With sweating hands I carefully stretch over and slide the folded paper into her open hand lying under her folded arms . The bell goes and I’m off my chair, yelling a hurried goodbye to Scott and Rafe. I’m out the door before she notices what I’ve done. I hope it gets through to her.
As soon as I’m by myself I take a moment to breathe like Dr. Lawson taught me. Don’t think. Don’t think. I’m supposed to avoid triggers but I can’t resist her. If she does trigger me, it will be worth it to help her, won’t it? Don’t think, this is a temporary feeling and it will pass, I tell myself. Once I have it under control, I continue towards JP’s car and wait for him.
---Tamsyn---
Lying down in human bio I’m trying to pay attention but struggling to keep focus. It’s the same shit, different day. Class can’t be much longer, it’s gone on forever. Out of nowhere, I feel a small scratch on my palm, the
bell rings and Tate’s chair goes screeching back on the lino. I sit up and he’s up and out the door so quick I barely see his blond head disappear down the hall. He must be in a hurry to get somewhere. Feeling something in my hand, I peel my fingers open and find a piece of folded paper. How did that get there without me noticing? I stay seated in my chair while everyone around me chatters and packs up to head off for their weekend. I unfold the paper to see what it could be. There staring at me is a star. It’s been drawn like it’s been formed by the darkness surrounding it. Under it, the word ‘SHINE’. My breath catches in my throat and my ears block out all sound. Did Tate do this? It must have been, he’s the only one who was close enough to slip it into my hand unnoticed. I scan the room and notice it’s nearly empty. How long have I been staring at the picture for? I fold it back up and place it in my pocket as I grab my stuff and leave class to find Blake.
Lost in my own thoughts as I walk between cars to get to Blake’s car, I feel eyes on me. I scan the car park trying to locate the source. A few cars over to my right I lock eyes with Tate sitting in the passenger seat of JP’s car. He’s staring at me so intensely like he can see right through me. Shocked by his stare I stand there, glued to the spot. Does he see what I’m trying to hide? Can he feel my pain? I think of the folded paper in my pocket, is he trying to let me know he can see me? How did this stranger see what no one else can? My lips of their own accord lift into a small smile directed at him. An arm around my shoulders brings me out of my trance and I gaze up to see Blake smiling down on me.
“Hey cutie,” he says as he delivers a kiss to my temple.