by Sarah Delany
“Hey,” I reply distracted, while I’m trying to peek back at Tate. I catch a glimpse of Tate squinting down at his lap with a smile on his face. I wonder if his smile was meant for me but I missed it.
Not long and we are outside my house, and I’m waving goodbye as I walk down the path to my front door. While traipsing inside, I let my mum know I’m home and head up the stairs to my room. I drop my bag, kick off my shoes and flop on the bed. I pull the paper out of my pocket and unfold it. I’m holding the paper tight in my fingers like it’s a lifeline, staring at it like it has all the answers in the universe. I have thoughts of stars and darkness, of objects that shine and lastly of green eyes. Vivid green eyes connected to the boy who sees me when no one else does.
Chapter 4
---Tamsyn---
Monday morning rolls around quickly and I’m distracted by thoughts of Tate while getting ready for school. He consumed my thoughts all weekend. I wonder what he thinks of me and what persuaded him to give me the drawing. Could he possibly see through my facade I show the world? I’ve stared at the small picture he drew for me all weekend and the edges are a bit frayed now from holding it so tightly. Shine! I don’t know where to start with shining. It’s the last thing I’ve had on my mind lately. I’ve been so consumed by my grief for my dad I haven’t let anything else penetrate the haze around me. I’ve lost myself to my grief and I don’t know how to find me again. I don’t know if it’s possible for me to find her again if I wanted to. She’s lost. I’m so far under the waves I don’t know how to surface, breaking through to catch a breath here and there then I’m drowning again. I’ve become so accustomed to this pain, I don’t know what it’s like to be normal anymore. I can’t remember a time when my heart and soul weren’t devastated by this grief and hurt. I’m so numb most of the time because I know if I let myself feel, I will get swept away in it. I need an anchor to keep me grounded so I don’t lose myself further. It’s much easier staying numb.
I’m nervous to see Tate. Will he say anything about the note? Or will he expect me to say something? Okay, nervous is an understatement. I haven’t felt anything except numb for so long I’ve forgotten what anything else feels like. In the space of a few days this guy has made me angry, nervous and if I’m honest a bit nauseous too. How does he do it? He’s under my skin. He’s awakening parts of me I forgot existed.
‘BEEP, BEEP’.
“Crap,” Blake’s horn beeping disturbs my thoughts and I rush to finish getting ready. Running my fingers through my knotted hair I untangle it the best I can and secure it in a ponytail on the top of my head. Grabbing my school bag off the floor I’m about to leave but remember the drawing. I race to the drawers beside my bed, where I’ve been keeping it and pull the fragile paper out of my top drawer. Folding it delicately, I place it in my pocket and turn to leave my room. Rushing out of the house I find Blake waiting in his car.
“Hey Tammy, you’re extra cute today,” he says as he leans in and kisses my cheek as I sit down in the passenger seat.
“Hi Blake, how was your weekend?” I ask him, though I’m not interested in the answer.
“Would have been better if I’d seen you,” he replies, smiling at me. “Me, Parker, Chloe and Leyla went to a party.” I return his smile not listening to anything else he says. He prattles on without noticing I’m not fully listening. I stare out the window not seeing anything as we pass; it all turns into a blurry mess as we speed past. My mind wanders off these days, not being able to focus on anything, like it’s given up and doesn’t have the energy to do its job.
Before I know it, we are pulling up to the school car park. Blake puts the car in park and we get out. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close to his side as we walk with his bag tossed over his other shoulder. We pass a few other friends on the way into school and Blake chats to them oblivious my mind is somewhere else. My eyes scan the car park searching for the blond boy with the vivid green eyes. I think those eyes are firmly implanted in my brain. At least my brain works sometimes. I don’t see him anywhere. Blake is distracted by a conversation with another guy in our year and I make my escape. I get up on tippy toes, give him a light kiss on the cheek signaling goodbye. He quickly turns my way with a smile then is back to his conversation leaving me alone. The bell isn’t due to go for another ten minutes so I rush to English in the hopes of seeing Tate.
I enter the empty room and take my usual seat at the back. I must be early if I’m the first one here. That’s a first. I pull out my books and pens and set them on my desk waiting impatiently. I start tapping my foot on the floor as the class slowly fills with other students but still no Tate. I glance at the clock on the wall and there are still a couple of minutes before class.
The class is almost full now and my friends arrive and take their seats next to me. Going on about the party from the weekend I nod and smile because it’s what they expect me to do. I accidentally knock one of my pens on the floor so I bend down to pick it up and hear the door open. I glance up and there he is. He rushes to his seat at the front of class. The one I made him take on his first day here. Guilt eats at me for the way I treated him on the first day of school. I was mean to him and look at what he’s done for me. He’s the only one who has noticed something isn’t right with me. He has been nice and tried to connect with me through the note. I don’t know why he’s doing this but I hope he doesn’t think I’m a lost cause. Hope, now there’s something I haven’t felt in a long time.
Fast forward an hour and the bell is ringing. I don’t know what went on in class today, I spent most of it staring at the back of Tate’s blond head as he and Scott shared a hushed conversation. I wonder what he was saying. I should learn to read lips. Oh my goodness, I wasted a whole class staring at this guy’s head. This is so not good. I slowly pack up my things, taking my time because I don’t want to walk past him. Please let him leave before me. Man, why am I so awkward? The girls must have said goodbye while I was zoned out because when I finish packing my bag they are gone, along with everyone else including Tate. Phew, at least he’s gone now. Thank God for small miracles.
“Shit,” I mumble under my breath, remembering it’s Monday and I now have human bio where I sit directly next to him. Breathe Tam, breathe. You can do this. Stop acting weird. It’ll only be awkward if you make it awkward. I wander to the science lab and take a deep breath before I push open the door. Eyes to the ground I drag my feet to my seat between Tate and Scott who are both already sitting there talking to each other.
“Excuse me,” I say, as I pull my seat out. I place my bag on the back of my chair, squeeze onto my seat and shuffle forward. I force myself not to look at them and lay my head down on my arms like usual. I can pretend the note thing didn’t happen. My heart beats so loud, I hope he can’t hear it. I stare at the board like I’m paying attention but my mind is focussed on the boy who sits so close to me yet is so far away. I don’t know anything about this guy and my thoughts have been consumed with him since Friday afternoon. All I can do now is just breathe and try not to let on, he’s gotten to me. I’ve been so numb and closed off for so long now I don’t know how to start up a conversation with him. I think it’s better if I wait for him to say something. I’m sure he will.
---Tate---
A delicate floral essence grabs my attention away from Scotty. Tamsyn. She smells heavenly. How did I not notice her smell before? She squeezes past me into her seat, her skirt brushing against my leg as she sits down. She doesn’t acknowledge me at all. She leans down onto her arms, resting her head in her usual pose. I peer at Scott and he shrugs his shoulders like what can you do? I think he’s started to notice how spaced-out she is in this class. Her head is turned away from me so I watch her without her catching me. I’m sure she knows the picture was from me as she looked at me in the car. I saw the hint of a smile she had as she stared at me. She must have realised it was me. But she hasn’t said anything. I wonde
r if she will or does she not want to make a big deal out of it? Are her thoughts keeping her from approaching me? I need to persevere and keep trying. I want to connect with her but I don’t know how. I don’t want to be pushy about it and I don’t want to embarrass her. I should wait and see if she talks to me first.
I probed JP with questions about her over the weekend and now he thinks I’ve got a crush on her. I don’t, I want to help her. I’m a total mess at the moment, dating is the last thing on my mind. Girls aren’t on my radar. I guess we have something in common, Tamsyn and I are both pretty messed up inside. Well I know I am anyway. Plus she’s with Blake. JP said her dad died some time last year but he didn’t know much else as he isn’t privy to what goes on in her group of friends. It looks like we are both suffering silently.
I could use a friend who knows what I’m going through but I don’t want to force it with her. The note was a start. I’ll have to see how else I can get her attention. Ms. Chadwick is droning on about our focus in class for the next few weeks. This gives me another chance to study Tamsyn without her noticing. Her magnet is yet again in full force. Her uniform is a couple sizes too big. Her shirt is hanging off her small frame. She doesn’t wear makeup I’ve noticed. She doesn’t need it either, she’s beautiful without it. She has two sleepers in each of her small ears. Her hair is pulled back into her usual ponytail. It’s like she ran her fingers through it then tied it up with little effort.
“Tate?” Ms. Chadwick’s voice penetrates my thoughts, and I peer up at her with a guilty face. Shit, did she catch me watching Tamsyn?
“Do you want to come up to the board Tate and fill in the next one?” she asks me, with a knowing smile on her face. Yep, she knows I was being a creeper. Glancing at Tamsyn next to me she still hasn’t moved. It’s like nothing can pull her away from wherever it is her mind has taken her. I push my chair back with a screech and walk slowly up to the front of the class examining the board as I go, trying to figure out what I was supposed to be learning. There’s a skeleton diagram with arrows pointing to different bones and a few already have names. Ms. Chadwick holds out a whiteboard marker for me to take. I’m guessing I have to fill in one of the bones names. “You can pick any one you want to fill in Tate,” she tells me.
Studying the diagram, I see a few of the easier ones are already done. I know the breast bone is the sternum so I fill in the line connecting to the middle of the chest in the picture. I click the cap back on and hand the marker to the teacher.
“Good work Tate, nice to see you were paying attention,” she smugly says, knowing I was not paying attention. I turn on my heels and shuffle down the aisle to my chair. Tamsyn is still in the exact position I left her in. I guess she won’t be approaching me today. I will make it a Friday thing then so I can make my getaway after I slip her a note. We don’t have to acknowledge it and it won’t be awkward. Feeling better now I have a plan when it comes to her, I settle into my seat and listen to Ms. Chadwick for the rest of the lesson.
The next few days are the same. Tamsyn doesn’t acknowledge me and I’m too scared to say anything to her so we go about our days not mentioning the note. It’s Wednesday now. The weather is pretty dreary, raindrops pelting down from the heavens so we are stuck indoors most of the day. I usually eat my lunch outside on the benches with JP and Rafe but the weather has made it impossible so I find myself eating in the cafeteria today. I can’t help but search for her as I usually only get to see her during our shared classes. The rest of school time we rarely cross paths so I’m excited to watch her interact with her friends. The cafeteria is filled with loud voices and laughter surrounds me. I’m sitting at a table with JP and Rafe. They are talking about some party going down this weekend. I guess they will be trying to drag me along to this party as well. Scott walks by then so I yell out to him to grab his attention. He spots me, smiles and comes my way.
“Hey man, never see you in here. The rain keeping you stuck inside today?” he says.
“Yeah, you wanna join us?” I ask him.
“Sure,” he replies, while setting his tray full of food next to me and pulling out the seat to sit down. He exchanges head nods with Rafe and JP gesturing hello and joins in the talk about the upcoming party.
With them distracted, I take a glimpse around the room not looking for anything in particular until I see her. She’s seated at a table facing the doors so I have the perfect side view of her. Blake sits on her other side engaged in talk with their friends. They’re all talking and laughing and she joins in where she’s supposed to but her smiles don’t reach her eyes. They’re forced. Her laughter stops before the others, like she’s laughing for the sake of it. Her elbow leans on the table and she rests her head in her hand, with her fork in her other hand as she pushes her measly salad around on her plate. She hasn’t eaten much. A banana lies on her plate untouched. I wonder if she eats at all. Her tiny frame makes me think she doesn’t or if she does, it can’t be much. She looks so out of place. Like she’s an outsider trying to fit in, surrounded but ultimately alone. I know that feeling, I can relate. Why can no one else see the pain she so cleverly disguises?
“So, are you in?” Scott says, while elbowing my arm. I raise my eyebrows at him in question, I don’t know what he’s talking about. “You know the party on Saturday? Are you going to come with us?” he asks.
JP takes a peek to where I was looking a moment before and a knowing grin takes over his face.
“Are you stalking the Ice Queen now bro?” He laughs at me. The others follow his gaze to see who he’s talking about and they join in his laughter.
“You’re asking for trouble sniffing around her,” Rafe warns me.
“Why?” I question. Three sets of eyes all stare at me. Scott shakes his head before giving his two cents worth.
“Rafe’s right. She’s trouble man with a capital T. Her group of girls, to put it nicely, are straight up cows. How many times has she talked to you in Human bio?” he asks me. “She’s so zoned out in class I don’t think she knows what class we are in, let alone, you are sitting next to her. Face it, she doesn’t know you exist,” he mocks me.
“We won’t say anything else bro if you want to try and thaw the Ice Queen but you have been warned, it probably won’t happen,” JP chimes in.
“Now back to the party dude. Are you in?” Rafe cheerfully asks.
“Yeah okay, count me in,” I agree. Happy I’m part of their party group, they start making plans for Saturday night while I steal glances Tamsyn’s way without being too obvious. I don’t want any more shit from my friends.
Laughter comes from Tamsyn’s table. I look up and while they’re all laughing, she unzips her skirt pocket sneaking her hand inside. Pulling something out of it, she places it on her lap. It’s a piece of paper. She unfolds it and stares down at the paper hidden from view and gets lost in her own little world. She stares at it for a few minutes while everything around her keeps moving. She’s so entranced by the paper in her hands. Suddenly Blake turns her way and bumps her making the paper flutter to the floor. I move to get a better view of what could hold her attention so fiercely and I catch a glimpse of a star shrouded by darkness. My breath hitches and eyes widen as she bends to pick it up. It’s my star, the one I drew for her. She carefully folds it up and gently places it back in her pocket, zipping it up with the slightest smile on her face. Her eyes gaze up and she catches me staring. Her face transforms. She’s doing her best impression of a deer caught in my car’s headlights. I don’t understand. Why does she think she was doing something wrong? My lip curls up on one side to show her I saw what was on the paper but her face becomes blank and closed off. She turns away from me and back towards her group and doesn’t turn my way the rest of the lunch break.
Chapter 5
---Tate---
It’s Friday now. The rain has continued to grace us with its presence. Tamsyn is still closed off. She’s back to not ack
nowledging my existence. I thought I made a breakthrough with her when I gave her the note but she hasn’t said anything to me about it. And then we had the little incident on Wednesday in the cafeteria. It’s like she’s embarrassed. She didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know. She can be a bit hard to read sometimes. I’m determined not to give up. I won’t give up on another person who needs my help. Blonde hair…. Don’t think.
Here I am sitting in English listening to Mr. Barnes tell us about our latest homework assignment for the week. We need to come up with a question focussing on education and then use the question as a basis for our essay. We need to provide valid points and debate whether we are for or against the topic. It should be easy enough. I need to think of a question. He gives us the last few minutes to start brainstorming but instead of thinking about English, I think about Her.
It’s Friday and human bio is next period, our last class of the day. I need an idea for my note. I’ve been wracking my brain all week and haven’t managed to come up with anything. Well, anything great. I didn’t want it too long because I don’t want to scare her off with a novel and I want it to have meaning but sometimes less words don’t get my point across. I want her to know I see her and what I see is perfect. She doesn’t have to be anyone she isn’t and will be accepted for who she is. To me she’s more than enough as she is. I’ve got it. I sit up a bit straighter in my chair and Scott looks at me curiously.
“Have you already figured out what you are going to write your essay on?” he inquires.
“Something like that,” I tell him, with a smile in my voice. I’m about to work on my note for her but the bell rings for the end of the period so we start clearing our books away to head to human bio.
Walking down the halls to the science labs I’m lost in my thoughts about her and the note. Will she like this one? I wonder.