Don't Think. Just Breathe. (TNT trilogy Book 1)

by Sarah Delany

  The lunchtime bell will go soon so I put the star back where it belongs. I place my feet on the cold floor, swing my bag over my shoulders and step out of the stall. Luckily I don’t wear makeup because my face would be a mess otherwise. My eyes are all bloodshot so I turn the tap on and splash cold water on my face trying to freshen myself up. I drag the scrunchie out of my hair so I can readjust it, pulling it back up into a ponytail and fastening it. Inspecting myself in the mirror, I look as normal as I can get. No one will notice anyway. No one ever does. The ringing of the bell has me leaving the bathroom in search of the cafeteria to meet my friends.

  Arriving at the chaotic cafeteria, I line up to fill a tray with food which will mostly go uneaten. I locate my usual table and see Blake and Parker are already there. He didn’t apologise for getting wasted on Saturday when he was supposed to be driving. All he did was text on Sunday to ask if I got home alright. I guess it’s more than the girls did. I didn’t hear from them until English today. I couldn’t be bothered listening to them talk about Maddox anymore. Apparently he had taken them to another party so I’d ignored them and looked out the window instead. I guess I can’t blame them, they probably thought I was fine with Blake and Parker. It would be nice to be considered when they make decisions. I’m growing apart from the girls. We don’t have much in common anymore and their drama is so trivial to me now.

  As I’m lost in my thoughts, I shuffle forward in line collecting a sandwich today instead of my usual salad. I grab an apple as well in case hunger strikes though it rarely does these days.

  Carrying my tray to our table, I catch a glimpse of a familiar blond head exiting through the side door to the benches outside. Following behind him are Rafe and Scott. It must be where they eat their lunch as most of the students have a favoured spot they keep. I take my seat next to Blake as Chloe and Leyla join the table. They all start talking about the party on Saturday and what happened.

  “You girls missed Snotty Scotty spewing his guts out after you left,” Parker tells us, chuckling.

  “Ewww, gross,” Chloe says, with her nose scrunched up like she got a whiff of something disgusting.

  “Where’d you get to Tam? We didn’t see you before we left,” Leyla asks. I have to think quickly before replying.

  “Oh, I was in the house chatting to one of the girls from my human bio class,” I lie, and then quickly take a bite of my sandwich hoping my full mouth will conclude the questioning of my whereabouts. They all accept my lie and continue on with their break down of events.

  Leaning in close like she’s about to tell a secret, Leyla lowers her voice and says, “You know Elijah said he caught an eye full of some couple going at it on a pool chair while he was playing volleyball.” The bit of tasteless sandwich gets lodged in my throat making it hard to swallow all of a sudden.

  Chloe screeches, “OMG does he know who it was?” I hold my breath for the answer, because I know me and Tate were the only ones on the pool chairs, for the majority of the night.

  “No, he said all he could make out was the back of the guy’s head and the fact he’d angled himself to hide the girl. She was probably giving him a hand job,” Leyla says, with a laugh and the others all join in while I force the food down my throat and hope I’m not turning bright red.

  “Something crazy always happens at Penny’s parties. Remember the time Josh got so drunk and put his hand into the bonfire and they had to call an ambulance?” Chloe chirps in. This leads to them all reminiscing about past events and adding stories they remember. It gives me a minute to think back to my little freak out in human bio and I realise Tate was holding my hand and he was still taking notes. If I revise the theory for today, it will help better prepare me for tomorrow and I won’t be a mess like I was today. I see this as a way to escape.

  When there’s a break in their chatter I say, “Guys I’m gonna get some notes I missed from human bio before next period. I’ll catch up with you later.” I kiss Blake on the cheek, pick up my bag and take my apple with me leaving my half eaten sandwich and their liveliness behind me. I don’t know if I left them because of my notes or the desperate need I have to see the boy I now crave. Either way, it has me pushing open the side door and stepping out into the sunshine in search of him.

  ---Tate---

  Sitting outside eating our lunch, my thoughts wander to Tamsyn like they always do lately. I’m worried about her. I don’t know what it was about the eyeballs in class but they freaked her out. I’m glad she let me be there for her too. Holding her hand again felt amazing. I honestly didn’t think I would get to hold it again, well not anytime soon. Does this mean Saturday night has changed things between us? I can hope.

  “Hello, earth to Tate. Come in, Tate. Are you still with us?” Scott’s mocking tone has me looking at him, while JP and Rafe cackle opposite us.

  I give Scott a playful shove saying, “Shut up, man.”

  Laughing back he replies, “You’re always away with the fairies these days man. We’ve all noticed it. And we all know the reason why.” Looking at each of them, they all give me their knowing smiles.

  “Yeah, yeah whatever guys,” I reply, but they laugh at me thinking my daydreaming is funny. Rafe’s phone pings and he opens the text smiling at his phone.

  “Who has got you smiling?”JP asks him.

  “This hottie from the party,” he replies, looking up at us with a cheeky grin.

  “Bro, not the one I pulled you away from who has a boyfriend, I hope,” JP questions.

  “Nah dude, it’s this other chick I met before her, when I was lining up to use the bathroom,” he explains, getting back to his phone.

  I take the cap off my water and while taking a swig, Rafe puts his phone down and pipes up with, “You know Elijah is spreading a story about a couple getting wild on the pool chairs at Penny’s party,” and the water comes flying out of my mouth before I can hold it in. “Umm dude, what the hell?” Rafe grumpily says, wiping his now wet face.

  “Sorry man, you caught me off guard,” I tell him.

  “Why would you be caught off guard?” And I see the exact moment his brain connects the dots because he gets a twinkle in his eye and a big smug grin on his face. “You sly dog. It was you, wasn’t it?” he accuses. Scott turns to look at me, gauging my reaction and JP lowers his head shaking it.

  “No it wasn’t, I was in the house most of the night,” I defend. “I’m shocked someone got crazy at the party. I didn’t believe you when you said they got out of control.” He looks at me a second longer, trying to read my face and while he’s watching me his eyes move over my shoulder to something that caught his attention. Then my ears hear the sweetest sound.

  “Tate?” Tamsyn quietly says behind me, so I turn around so I can see her. Her eyes are bloodshot like she’s been crying. It’s all the motivation I need. I’m instantly on my feet reaching for her. Grabbing her arm gently because I don’t think she’d appreciate me picking her up and carrying her away like a caveman.

  I gaze into her eyes and ask, “Did something happen?” She shakes her head.

  “No, no, nothing like that. I didn’t get to take notes in human bio so I wondered if I could borrow yours so I’m more prepared for tomorrow,” she gives me a half-truth, because I can see through her facade. I know she’s been crying. She must have been more upset than she let on this morning.

  Turning my back to the guys to try and hide her expression, I ask quietly, “Are you sure there’s nothing else bothering you?” Her eyes bore into my soul like she’s trying to tell me without using words.

  She says, “It doesn’t matter.” My heart aches for her. What in the world has made this girl think her feelings don’t matter? Whenever I try to delve deeper with her I get the same response, ‘It doesn’t matter.’ My blood begins to boil thinking about anyone making her feel unimportant. I clench my jaw trying to contain it.

  “It does
matter. You matter. You matter to me,” I firmly tell her, hoping she hears the sincerity in my voice. Her lower lip trembles. I didn’t want to upset her so I run my hand down her arm to her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze to let her know I’m here for her. A small smile creeps onto her face letting me know she isn’t going to cry at this moment so I drop my hand to my side and regret it instantly. I’m addicted to her touch already but she’s not mine and I don’t want people talking about us and causing trouble when nothing is going on. This rumour about the pool chairs is bad enough. Hopefully no one recognised us.

  Staring at each other she breaks our bubble by saying, “So can I borrow your notes?”

  “Yeah you can take mine for the night; I will copy Scott’s in my next class,” I tell her.

  She gazes at me with a worried expression and says, “Are you sure Scott won’t mind?”

  With no hesitation I yell over my shoulder to him, “Hey Scott, can I copy your human bio notes next period so Tamsyn can take mine please?”

  He doesn’t second guess it, replying instantly, “Sure thing man.”

  “See, no problem at all,” I quietly say to her. I’m mentally restraining myself from grabbing her hand in mine.

  “Thanks Tate,” she quietly says.

  “Come, I’ll give them to you now,” I say, as I step back to the table. I gesture at the guys and say “You guys know Tamsyn? And Tamsyn, you know the guys don’t you?”

  She timidly lifts her hand and says, “Hi,” looking at each of them in turn.

  Surprisingly they all smile at her and say, “Hi,” back as I’m digging in my bag for my notes.

  Rafe cheerily says to her, “Tamsyn, I see an apple in your hand, do you want to join us and finish it?” She inspects her hand with a furrowed brow like she forgot she was holding it. Her eyes connect with mine and she bites her bottom lip unsure whether to sit with us or not. “Take a seat Tamsyn, we won’t bite,” Rafe playfully encourages her. I nod, conveying it’s fine to sit with us. Scott shuffles over to make room for her between us. I locate my book, pull it out and sit down. She swings her legs over the seat, tucks her skirt underneath her and sits down too.

  “See, it’s exactly like human bio class,” Scott jokes, breaking the ice and we all laugh. Tamsyn joins in and I notice this time, it reaches her eyes. Peering up at me, she smiles wide and takes a bite of her apple. Her smile remains on her face as she chews. The boys fall back into their friendly banter and although Tamsyn doesn’t say much, the permanent smile on her face says it all. All too soon, the bell for the next period is ringing and we go our separate ways. I hand my book to her before I forget, and watch as she hugs it tightly to her chest, walking away.

  Chapter 8

  ---Tamsyn---

  That night I lie face down on the floor with my school books surrounding me, kicking my legs in the air behind me. I pick a random playlist Spotify generated for me and music fills the air. I’ve been stuck in this fog for so long. Nothing mattered. I was going through the motions trying to survive each day. But today, today was different.

  It started off horrible and bawling my eyes out in the bathroom can’t be classed as good but from lunchtime onwards, I felt so much lighter. It was all thanks to Tate, and hanging out with his friends at lunch. They are the polar opposite to my friends. They don’t thrive on gossip or putting people down. They like each other and enjoy each other’s company. It makes me a tad upset, I’m in my final year of high school and I don’t have a good group of friends like they do. I’ve wasted my school years with people who could care less if I’m there or not. With Blake, there’s something missing. It might have been good before my dad died but since then my relationship with him has fizzled out. I don’t know why he’s still with me. We hardly see each other outside of school, we don’t talk on the phone anymore and we barely text. And the only time we are the least bit affectionate is when we are saying goodbye which at this stage is a formality more than actual romantic feelings. I don’t think it’s a good sign, especially when I’ve been more touchy-feely with Tate than my own boyfriend in the last few days.

  Tate. Thinking of him makes me remember his human bio notebook. I pull his book towards me and flick my thumb over the pages. There’s a page in the back with a piece ripped out of it. The shape of the hole is familiar for some reason. I keep flicking through his pages and there’s another ripped out page. My brain clicks and I think of the notes he’s given me. I push myself up off the ground and take a couple of steps to my bedside table to retrieve his notes I keep there. I pull them both out, having already placed the star back there after school to keep it safe. I sit down on the carpet and cross my legs finding the ripped pages. First is the page that was ripped out. I get the note with ‘You are enough’ on it and line it up. It fits perfectly. Excited for what is to come, I flick the pages to the one I need and place my star in its spot. It’s a bit worn around the edges from all the times I’ve held it but otherwise it fits exactly in the space. So it’s this book, his notes come from. Having it with me makes me more connected to him in a way. Wanting to do something special for him like he does for me, I try to think of a note I could leave him but nothing comes to mind. All I want to gain from it is a smile. With that in mind, I flip to the inside back cover and in the bottom right corner I draw a smiley face. Not too big though, I don’t want it to be obvious. Hopefully he will come across it one day randomly. Fingers crossed he makes the connection and realises it’s from me. On second thought, being brave I flip to the next blank page after his notes on eye dissection. Right at the top, so he won’t miss it, I write my name and number. This way he can use it if he wants to which I’m sure he will. And if he doesn’t, I can pretend like he hasn’t seen it. It will take the sting out of his rejection.

  With that done, I get back to my homework. I find the notes that I need and begin copying them into my own book. I admire his handwriting because for a guy his writing is pretty and a bit dainty. I giggle to myself because I wouldn’t have expected that of him. He’s written on the notes I’ve received but there wasn’t enough written to get the full scope of his penmanship. With a smile on my face I get lost in the work, copying it word for word. I will have to read over it before bed so that I’m prepared for tomorrow. I hope I can hold it together long enough to get through the class. I finish copying what I need then pack all my books up in my bag so they’re ready to go in the morning. I put my precious notes from Tate back in their safe place beside my bed. With the main light on, I get into bed with Tate’s book to read over the dissection notes. While reading and rereading his work, my eyes get droopy and I fall into a soundless sleep with his book clutched to my chest.

  My alarm music stirs me from my slumber. The light is off but I’m sure I fell asleep with it on. Mum must have come in and turned it off for me. No dreams tormenting me last night. It’s the first night in a long time I’ve had a dreamless sleep and woken up feeling refreshed. I spring out of bed ready to take on the day, hoping human bio won’t affect me too negatively. With my new found positive attitude, I get ready for school hoping it will carry me through human bio without any major freak outs. I’m a girl. It should entitle me to at least one minor freak out when dealing with gross slimy eyeballs.

  ---Tate---

  After the events at lunch yesterday, I thought JP and the guys might give me the third degree about Tamsyn but they didn’t mention her at all. Maybe they’re coming around to the fact she isn’t as vile as they thought she was. It surprised the shit out of me too when she rocked up to our bench yesterday. I wonder if she can feel the pull, an invisible force at work drawing us both together.

  “You think Tamsyn will grace us with her presence at lunch again?” JP cuts through my inner thoughts, as I space out on our way to school.

  “Umm…. I don’t know man. She had a reason to come over yesterday,” I say to him. He stares at me as he pulls up to a stop sign.

 
“And you aren’t reason enough?” he asks, with a crinkling around his eyes and a tug of his lips.

  “Like you said, she’s with Blake. And I think we could both use each other as a friend more than anything else right now,” I tell him, while leering out the window. I don’t want to delve deeper into it right now. He must know not to go there so turns up the car radio to fill the silence so we don’t have to talk any more. This suits me fine.

  When he parks the car at school, I see Rafe and Scott greeting each other not too far ahead so I call out to them. An idea is brewing in my mind.

  “Hey guys, I have a favour to ask. Do you think you could lend me a hand in human bio today?” I say to them, as I get closer.

  “Yeah dude, what’s up?” Rafe says, as Scott says

  “Sure.” I have great friends who give their help willingly, without knowing what it is first. I fill them in on yesterday’s events.

  “So you probably didn’t notice, but Tamsyn was having a bit of a freak out yesterday because of the dissection.

  “Ah is this why she was fidgety when class first started?” Scott’s observing nature showing.

  “Yeah something to do with the eyeballs made her agitated. I’m not entirely sure what it was about. We are doing the actual dissection today so I thought we could work closely with her and try keep the atmosphere upbeat. Hopefully it will keep her distracted and her thoughts off whatever triggered her yesterday,” I fill them in on my plan. “You guys in?” I ask, unsure if they’ll agree.

  “Yeah no worries,” Rafe says.

  “You think she will freak out today?” Scott wants to know.

  “I don’t know man, she was bad yesterday, but I managed to keep her calm. I’m hoping we can do the same today,” I say with worry in my voice.