The Darkest Winter

by Lindsey Pogue

  “It does look like they’re dancing,” Thea said, voice brimming with excitement. “Is this what heaven looks like in the daytime?” she asked. We hadn’t talked about death much even though it surrounded us all winter.

  I didn’t know what heaven looked like, or if it existed, but I agreed, it would be a beautiful place. “I hope so. What do you think it looks like at nighttime?”

  “The lights, silly. Just like Jade said.”

  I smiled. “How could I forget?”

  Inhaling the sharp scent of ice and evergreen, I soaked in the snow-capped mountains that surrounded us, and the crystalline sky that shimmered.

  “We picked a good day to come,” Beau said.

  “We sure did,” I said happily.

  Del used the ice spud to measure the thickness a few yards out. The sun had shone longer and higher in the sky, but the world was taking its sweet time melting. But it was hard to predict what was already shifting under the frozen surface of the water.

  I pointed to a prickly fallen tree angled half frozen in the water, a perfect haven for bottom feeders and shadow dwellers. “What about there?”

  “Yeah,” he called. “It’s just over five inches, but be careful.” He picked a hole in the ice.

  “All right you two, you heard him.” I handed the kids their poles. “Stay in these areas. The last thing I need is one of your falling in.”

  Thea giggled. “That would be so cold.”

  “Yeah, and Elle would kill me,” I told her. “So be careful.”

  “We’ll get nibbles in the debris for sure[MOU131].”

  “Where are the fishing jigs we carved last night?” Took asked.

  Beau opened the tackle box. “Right here.” He handed Thea hers and studied his own.

  “Alaskans have been carving their own jigs for thousands of years,” I told them. “You couldn’t have a better teacher than Took, I’m sure.”

  Thea looked up at me, blinking as she mouthed thousands.

  “Let me see your handiwork.” I crouched down between them. To a fish their jigs would look like a piece of driftwood, but it wasn’t bad for a nine- and six-year-old’s first time. “We didn’t have fancy poles like you either, but that’s another skill for another time.”

  I grabbed a container of frozen guts for bait while Del helped them attached their jigs to the fishing line.

  “Some guts for you,” I said, handing a frozen piece from the caribou to Beau. “And, some guts for you . . .” Thea’s face crinkled with disgust, but she didn’t hesitate to take it.

  “It’s not so bad when it’s frozen,” Beau told her.

  “Okay now, shove them on your hook and let it dangle just a little, so that other fish will think it’s still alive.”

  Thea held her mouth just right as she struggled to bait her hook. It got stuck to her mitten, but she was determined to do it on her own. She’d be a fiery independent one, that was for sure. As her big brother, Beau would have his hands full when she was older.[132]

  Thea chose her hole, and Took helped her drop their line, Del helped Beau with his.

  I grabbed a stick as thick as my finger from the bank and tied fishing line around it, making a rod of my own to brace over the hole and check up on later.

  “What kinda fish are we getting?” Beau asked. He stood there with his fishing pole in his hand, waiting.

  “Oh, well,” Del said. “I don’t know what we’ll get. Could be Grayling or whitefish. And if we’re lucky, maybe even trout.”

  “That’s my favorite,” I told them.

  “Don’t all fish taste the same?” Beau asked. “They’re all fish.”

  Took chuckled to himself and stuck his line into his hole with Thea’s help.

  “No,” Del said. “They don’t all taste the same. You’ll see.”

  “I had a fish once,” Thea said. “Fuzzbucket ate it though.”

  “What’s a Fuzzbucket?” Took asked. “A bigger fish?”

  “It’s a cat, silly.” Thea laughed.

  “Oh. Okay.”

  Once the rods rested in carved out holes and the lines were set, Took, Del, and I made camp on the bank. We folded chairs out and built a fire to a blaze.

  “Now what do we do?” Thea asked.

  “We keep warm and wait for the fish to come,” I told her.

  Her brow furrowed in disapproval. “That’s boring,” she said.

  Chuckling, the guys and I looked at each other. “That’s fishing. It’s a game of patience, Thea,” I explained.

  “Well, then this was a mistake,” Beau said. “Thea sucks at patience.”

  “I do not,” she retorted.

  “Do too.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Okay you guys,” I said. “No bickering while we’re fishing. It’s one of two rules.”

  “What’s the other?” Beau asked.

  “Safety,” I told them.

  “Well, it’s his fault,” she said, walking back out to her hole. “I’m going to wait for my fish.”

  Beau followed after her.

  “I have hot chocolate when you want some,” I told them. “And snacks.”

  “Okay,” they said, but I was officially an afterthought to them.

  “Don’t they know a watched pot never boils?” Took said, shaking his head.

  “They’ll get it, eventually,” Del said. “Just like Jet did.”

  “At first I thought it was beginner’s luck,” Took added. “Suddenly he was catching all the fish.” He batted the notion away. “I stopped fishing with him.”

  “Ouch.” I chuckled.

  “Jet had patience, Took. You’re like Thea when it comes to fishing. I’m surprised you enjoy it.”

  “I don’t. Just because I know how doesn’t mean I like it.”

  “Then why do you do it all the time?” Del shook his head, incredulous.

  “Because you like it. I’m not sending you out here alone.”

  Del and Took bickered back and forth, and I admired their relationship as much as I envied it. The more I watched them and heard their stories, the more I looked forward to having some [LP133]of my own.[134]

  “So, Elle said you might leave soon.” Del poked the fire with a long stick. “You still going to Whitehorse?”

  I stared into the fire, uncertain how to answer. “That was the plan.”

  “Was?” Took raised his eyebrows, looking more perturbed than curious.

  “Was. Is. I’m not sure which.”

  Del leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Pardon my prying, but seems like if you’re uncertain it might not be the right answer.”

  “Yeah, well, things are—”

  “Complicated,” Del and Took finished in unison.

  “Elle keeps saying the same thing,” Took grumbled. “Life is complicated. You still gotta make decisions. Do you want them to be good ones or bad ones?”

  “Please excuse my father-in-law, he thinks highly of his own opinion.”

  “I’m sorry,” Took continued, but he wasn’t. “But in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not that complicated. Do you want to be alone or be with people you care about? Trust me, time flies and all that.”

  “I get what you’re saying, but—” I rose to my feet. “Where are the kids?”

  “Probably just exploring,” Took said. “That’s what I’d be doing.”

  I walked out onto the ice, relieved to see their poles were there and they hadn’t fallen in, as I glanced around the froze lake. I was about to call for them when I saw Thea sitting on the bank through a thicket. I prepared my scolding speech for going off on their own when I realized what she was doing.

  I froze, eyes glued to the twig that spun around and around on the ice in front of her, moving at the same pace her finger twirled. I blinked, barely able to believe my own eyes.

  Beau walked out onto the ice with a much larger branch and stood a few yards out. “Try to roll this one back to you,” he told her, gaze narrowed on the branch, in
tent.

  My heart raced as I stood dumbly watching with anticipation. Thea could move things with her mind. It made no sense, but none of it did. It was all crazy—the wolves, the fire, the memories. It was all impossible, Elle was right. And I would’ve thought Thea was crazy had she told me and I hadn’t seen it for myself.

  The log at Beau’s feet only trembled at first. But the longer Thea stared at it and more she concentrated it rolled slowly toward her.

  “Oh my God, you did it!” Beau shouted, but the moment he saw me watching him, he took a step to run back to the bank and his foot went straight through the ice. [LP135]

  He screamed as he fell into the water.

  “Beau!” I shouted. “Fuck—Beau!”

  Thea screamed from the top of her lungs as she ran to where the water sloshed over the ice. I fell to my knees at the hole and couldn’t see him through the murky water. There was no flailing, and the horror he might not know how to swim eroded any calm I had left.

  I jumped in after him, the water so intensely cold, it felt like I was swimming through fire and a net of razor blades. I didn’t see him at first; the cold burning my eyes, but as the cold numbed my fingers and my legs, I saw the white of his jacket against the darkness. He wasn’t moving.

  I clutched his hand, the water easier to see through as ice chipped away from up top. And arms reached in, helping me pull him to the top. They lifted Beau from the water. And hands frantically grabbed at me as I used every ounce of willpower I had to kick and pull myself out of the water.

  The ice felt like a miracle, almost warm against my freezing skin, and I peered around for Beau. “Is he breathing?” I shouted as Took helped me onto my knees. I scrambled over to where Del crouched over Beau’s body.

  “Del,” I pleaded. “Is he breathing?”

  Thea cried behind me, screaming her brother’s name, and all I could think was I’d been too stupid and slow to react. I should’ve gotten him off the ice. I should’ve jumped in faster.

  Every ounce of training I’d had was like a rock sunk to the bottom of my guy, my head empty, the energy left draining from my body as hot tears streamed down my face.

  Beau doubled over, gasping for air and choking up water.

  “Oh, thank God,” I breathed. “Thank God.” I held his forehead against mine and pulled him against me, trying to warm him. “Are you okay? Jesus, you scared the shit out of me.”

  “I—I think so,” he chattered. Took held Thea in his arms as she sniffled, eyes red but no longer crying as she watched her brother shaking with cold.

  “Here,” Del said, removing his coat. We’ve got to get you guys warmed up.”

  I helped Beau to his feet, ignoring the ache in my own, and lifted him in my arms, carrying him toward our camp. “Sit next to the fire,” I told him. “We’ll get you something warm to wear, okay bud?”

  Beau nodded, shivering but alive and okay.

  “Del, get his clothes off. I might have something in the truck we can use.”

  “What about you?” Del said. “You need dry clothes too.”

  “I’ll be fine until we get back to the house,” [LP136]I called over my shoulder. “Get him warm first.”

  Del murmured about wet socks and boots as I opened the truck for an extra jacket or flannel. Finding a towel and dirty thermal shirt, I grabbed them and headed back around the truck.

  I stopped, my body ice cold while the fear burned red and hot straight through me. A black wolf crept to Beau in the camping chair, everyone watching with bated breath. Del slowly stepped toward the gun propped against a spruce a few feet away. He looked at me, and crazy as it was, I shook my head.

  The wolf glanced furtively around, then took two final steps before he was at Beau’s feet, and the wolf licked his shaking hand with a whine. On trembling legs, Beau climbed out of the chair and plopped down on the ground beside the fire, and the wolf followed. Half-naked, Beau sat by the flames, a large black wolf laying against him to keep him warm.

  “She chose him,” Took whispered, pulling me out of my trance.

  “What?” I shivered, but as my body numbed I wasn’t sure if it was from cold or sheer awe.

  Del lifted the discarded jacket off the ground. “It looks like the kid’s got it covered. You’re the one we have to worry about.”

  Chapter 50

  Elle

  “Now, we let the fat boil and the rendered tallow that comes to the top will be our wax when it hardens,” Jade explained. “We can get a dozen candles out of this batch, and all the membrane and meat that’s left, we’ll freeze for Bear’s food during the winter, or save for the chickens if we get any in the spring.”

  “It’s easy as that?” I asked, staring at the empty mason jars on the table and the thin wood wicks piled beside them.

  “It’s messy, but yes. It’s fairly straightforward—”

  Bear barked outside as the truck and snowmobiles rumbled closer.

  “They’re back early,” Jade said. Wiping our hands off on our aprons, we headed for the front door.

  The instant I saw Beau was in the back of the truck, I knew something was wrong. I stepped off the porch as Jackson climbed out of the passenger side of the truck, his clothes stuck to him and covered with frost.

  “What—”

  “I’m fine,” he said, pointing behind him. “We need to get Beau inside.” There was an apprehension in his voice I didn’t understand, but not the panic or urgency creeping up on me.

  I stepped around the bed of the truck and nearly fell back. “Oh my God,” I breathed, my hand clamping over my mouth. A black wolf laid beside Beau, his eyes lifting as we gathered around, though he didn’t lift his head or bare his teeth like I expected him to do. Beau quivered a little, draped in an oversized coat that shook around his shoulders, but his skin was pink and full of color.

  Jade gasped beside me, none of us moving.

  “Jackson,” I breathed.

  “It’s been keeping Beau warm since we pulled him out of the water,” Del explained as he shut the driver side door of the truck.

  “Time to go inside, bud,” Jackson said as he came around the back of the truck. He nodded to Beau as if they’d had an agreement.

  Beau nudged the wolf, and though it seemed inconvenienced having to move, it stood up and jumped out of the back of the truck. Beau held out his hand, and the wolf stepped closer so that Beau could pet the top of his head. The wolf’s eyes closed and his ears flattened and for a few breaths I watched as Beau and the wolf had a silent communication. Then the wolf glanced around at us and trotted past Bear who was barking manically and disappeared into the woods.

  I gathered Beau against me, ignoring the twinge in my side as I squeezed. “Are you okay?” He was warm, despite his hair frozen on end, I desperately wanted to lift him into my arms. “What happened?” I pulled back, waiting for him to say something, but he glanced at Jackson and they exchanged a look I would ask about later, then Beau slid off the tailgate.

  Jade offered him her hand. “Let’s get you all bundled up inside and warm,” she said.

  Sophie and Alex ran over, Alex’s eyes trained on the forest. “What the hell was that?”

  Sophie took Thea’s hand in hers. “Sounds like you had an interesting morning.”

  “Yeah,” Thea breathed. “We did.” Alex followed them inside, the air buzzing with questions and curiosities. I stood back to catch my breath, my eyes trained on the dark woods where I knew the wolf hid.

  Del came out of the house in a new jacket and settled his cap back on his head. “We still have gear at the lake and another snow machine. We’ll be back.”

  As Del closed the door, I stepped up to the window. I glanced between him and Took, both of them averting their gazes. “What happened?” I looked past them at Jackson heading to our cabin. “Is Jackson all right?”

  “Physically , they’re both fine.” That’s all Del said, but his choice of words didn’t make me feel any better.

  Took nodded in J
ackson’s direction, offering me a silent nudge.

  Del rolled up the window, and the truck rumbled to life. And as quickly as they drove into camp, they followed their tracks back out again and disappeared through the trees.

  I followed Jackson, my heartbeat thudding again as I braced myself to go inside the cabin. He probably didn’t want to see me, but I didn’t care enough to let him be.

  I creaked the door open. Jackson stood half-clothed in wet pants in front of the wood stove, staring at the wall. He shivered as he stood there, ice frozen to his mustache and hardened to his pants. I didn’t bombard him with questions I knew he wasn’t ready to answer, so I grabbed a folded quilt from the bed and shook it out. Standing on tiptoes I draped it over his bare shoulders and pulled it tight around him. He didn’t look at me or move, like he didn’t realize I was even there.

  “Take your pants off,” I whispered, and went over to his bag for a pair of sweats and wool socks. “You need to get out of those clothes.” I placed them on the bed with a thermal shirt for him to change into and opened the woodstove to build a fire. My hands moved quickly, slinters and scratches something I hadn’t had to worry about, though my gloves were plenty scarred and discolored from so much use. Shoving tender beneath the crossed wood, I light it with a match and blew.[137]

  Eventually, Jackson dressed behind me, unhurried and wordless. One boot scuffed the floor, then another as he took them off and the floorboards creaked under his weight as the sound of heavy, soggy clothes thudded to the floor.

  I rubbed my gloved hands together against the burgeoning warmth, acutely away of the irony as I tried to keep my mind from wandering.

  Once Jackson finished, and the flames caught and burned, I closed the stove door and turned to face him. Though Jackson stood tall and his presence filled the room, his hazel eyes were shadowed, but not like I’d seen them before, haunted by the past. Instead, he looked dazed and uncertain.

  I stood, and hesitantly, I rested my hand on his arm, offering whatever reassurance I could. “Are you okay?”

  His eyebrows drew together, almost painfully, and his gaze drifted to my hand. I was about to remove it when he took my wrist, stared at my glove, then began to pull.