Changed Somehow

by Chloe Flanagan

  “So I went to the rector of my church to talk things out. He said he figured God honored all the fairness and good behavior, but that he really shows up in love. I realized that God used Mr. Perkins to show me and all those other kids love when we needed it most. I also realized I wanted to do something like that too. So I volunteered with various charities and helped out around church until this opportunity came up. If ya wanna know the truth, I think they just asked Darla and me to help out because we were the misfits of all the other ministries. At first, I was like a zoo monkey in the pelican pen when I started trying to deal with these kids, but now that we’ve gotten to know each other, it’s been pretty great.”

  “I can see that,” was all she could think to say. Truthfully, it was all a little overwhelming. Fortunately, she was spared any further response by Kendrick’s sudden reappearance. Glenn peeked at the boy over his shoulder and slapped the stool beside him.

  While Kendrick was settling in, Natalie pressed the mix button on the blender until the ice cream mixture was smooth, then she grabbed a glass and filled it to the brim. She finished the milkshake off with a swirl of whipped cream and a cherry and set the glass in front of the boy. His tear-swollen eyes grew large. “For me?”

  She nodded and gave him a wink. “Just what the doctor ordered, I think.” Then she turned to clean up the kitchen.

  “Ms. Natalie is a smart lady, Kendrick. She knows the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” Glenn confided in a stage whisper.

  She froze for a second. Then, with slow, deliberate movements, she poured up another milkshake and garnished it. Returning to the counter, she set the glass down and slid it across the surface toward Glenn.

  His gaze snapped to hers, and his eyebrows went up, but he accepted the glass. As he did, he brushed her fingertips with his own. “Thanks.”

  “Anytime.”

  She walked away to let them have their conversation, her heart and mind overloaded with the previous hour’s discussion.

  14

  After the lunch rush, Natalie borrowed one of the several bicycles hanging around the camp and set off for a ride through the woods. She desperately needed some time alone with her thoughts, which were still reeling from her conversation with Glenn.

  Growing cautiously accustomed, as she was, to his gentleness and generosity, it was hard to believe that he’d caught so many tough breaks when he was young. Like her, he’d grown up with little love. Yet he’d handled it all differently. Not only had he become a decent person, he was even able to look back at his past and see the good.

  Her speeding bicycle thumped over a massive tree root, nearly jostling her from her seat, but she kept her balance like a pro.

  The terrain resembled the large wooded area on the outskirts of the town she’d grown up in. She used to ride her bike through there as a shortcut to get from town to her house.

  Try as she might, it was impossible for her to suppress the memory of the last time she’d ridden her bike like that. She’d just turned seventeen.

  She’d pedaled furiously, branches scratching at her face and hair, hot tears rolling down her cheeks, her mom’s words echoing through her pounding head.

  “How could you be so stupid? And how could it take you nearly six months to figure out what was going on?”

  Even in her volatile state, Natalie had been able to admit to herself that the six months bit had been pretty stupid. Several months before, she had misinterpreted nausea and vomiting as a stomach virus instead of the morning sickness it really was. And she had naively attributed the slight swelling in her stomach to weight gain or a metabolism issue. Maybe she’d suspected the truth, but had just been avoiding it.

  Nevertheless, the truth had come out at a routine doctor’s appointment. Bewildered and scared out of her mind, she’d made the mistake of telling her boyfriend Blair right away. Although he’d handled the news with more composure than Natalie had, he had also made it clear that he had no intention of ruining his family’s reputation by admitting the baby was his.

  Devastated and panic-stricken, she had gone home to tell her mom. Deep down, she clung to a desperate wish for comfort and understanding, but she’d been deluding herself, of course. Instead, she’d been met with fury and the repeated demand, “How could you be so stupid? Didn’t you learn anything from my mistake?”

  If Natalie hadn’t been so distraught, she might’ve been amused that her mom would pose that question to her, of all people. After all, Natalie was the mistake, and she’d known it for almost as long as she could remember.

  Her mother’s reaction had ignited a painful, volatile argument that had ended with Natalie tearing out of the house in near hysterics.

  Her mom was disappointed. Natalie got it. Truth be told, she was disappointed in herself. But the fact that her mom couldn’t put all her expectations and judgments aside for five minutes and be a mom felt worse than a letdown. It felt like a betrayal.

  After that, Natalie had gone to the only place she could think of. Even though it wasn’t her day to work, she’d still wound up on a vinyl stool at the counter of Betty‘s Diner. Fortunately, when she arrived, there were no customers to overhear her blubbering explanation of her predicament. When she finished, Betty gave her some tea and sat down with her. She also made her hold a hot cloth over her face and breathe deeply until her shuttering sobs had subsided. Then Betty said, “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but everything is going to be okay. I promise. You’re just going to have to decide what to do.”

  Betty’s kind pragmatism had been exactly the balm needed to soothe her anguish, and they began to discuss her options.

  “I can’t give it away,” Natalie had declared.

  “Honey, think about that for a minute. The baby can go to someone who’s better equipped to care for him.”

  But Natalie had been adamant. No, she wasn’t ready to be a mother, but she couldn’t just walk away, either. How would that make her any different from her dad? What would happen when the kid got older and found out his mom didn’t want him? She couldn’t do it.

  “I don’t know how, but I have to figure out a way to keep it. That’s all there is to it.”

  “Maybe I can help.”

  Even after all these years—many of which had been spent trying to forget—Natalie could still remember the shock of turning around to see EJ Handler standing behind her in that diner.

  EJ was a nerdy, awkward, but sweet kid her age. All through high school, he’d been one of the very few people she had ever considered a friend. She could never quite put her finger on it, but he always seemed safe. He’d never put moves on her. Never tried to use her popularity to elevate his own. In fact, he’d never even seemed to care about dumb stuff like that. Consequently, it had always felt like she could just be herself with EJ.

  But that day, he had taken their friendship to another level entirely.

  After sitting down with her and Betty and getting the details of her predicament beyond the ones he had walked in on, EJ offered to marry her and help raise the baby.

  It had been outlandish, ill-advised, and impulsive. Betty had told him that, and he was smart enough to know it too. Natalie knew it. Yet she had accepted anyway.

  At the time, she’d only been thinking of how marrying EJ could help solve her problem. When any hint of conscience flared up over the sacrifices he was willing to make, she shoved it aside—just like she did her best to shove aside the thoughts in the aftermath, too.

  But today of all days, some fourteen years later, she found she couldn’t ignore the memory anymore. EJ had probably been the best friend she’d ever had. Because he couldn’t bear the thought of her struggling as a single mother, he had willingly taken on the responsibility of a family.

  Natalie finally slowed her pedaling until she came to a clearing in the woods, where she stopped.

  Bright, early afternoon sun streamed through the tree branches, dispelling the slight chill created by the shade. For a moment, she sh
ut her eyes and breathed in the fragrance of pine.

  Regardless of what had happened before or after, in that one season of her life, when she’d most desperately needed it, she had been loved. In their own particular ways, Betty and EJ had been her lifelines and she hadn’t even realized it.

  Was that what Glenn meant when he talked about God showing his love through other people? When people gave and protected and put their whole beings into caring for someone else, were they doing the work of God?

  A robust wind began to stir around her, animating the leaves and grass and stirring the treetops. Fluffy clouds overhead rolled back like a curtain, to let a spotlight beam of sunshine illuminate the clearing where she stood.

  It was like the light was glowing straight through her memories too, dispelling the shadows and revealing the possibilities.

  What if God really had been present and invested in her all those years ago? What if he had sent Betty and EJ into her life to take care of her?

  It was probably one of the most astonishing notions she had ever attempted to wrap her mind around, and it opened up the potential for even more. Could God have been behind other events and encounters too?

  15

  Natalie finished another chapter of her book and fixated on the heading of the next chapter without really seeing the words. Everything about the faith journey, as the author depicted it, seemed mysterious and complex, yet also beautiful. Especially beautiful was the narrative of Christ’s redemption and continuing goodness and how it played out in the lives and worship of his followers. At some point in her life, she might have found it all pretty fanciful. But not now, because she could see it reflected in Glenn and Darla. In hindsight, she could see how Betty lived it out too.

  She was also belatedly discovering that, the more she learned, the more transparent her playacting probably was. Glenn and Darla, each in their own way, were endlessly kind to her, but they surely realized she was not like them.

  “Glenn seems very taken with you.” Darla’s abrupt observation startled Natalie from her reflections.

  Her head shot up, and she twisted to face the opposite side of the room, where Darla sat on her bed, a book open on her lap. “Really?”

  Darla had made the statement in true Darla fashion: abruptly with no inflection, making it nearly impossible to tell if she was angry or pleased.

  “Well, he must be,” Darla said. “He watches you like he’s the sole spectator at a ballet where you’re the prima ballerina. Not to mention getting you fresh flowers every morning like a besotted schoolboy,” she finished with a shake of her head.

  So the flowers had been from Glenn! She couldn’t seem to stop the electric thrill that jolted her at that simple revelation. But one glance at Darla’s increasingly grave expression stopped it.

  Natalie cleared her throat awkwardly. “I never thought to ask before, but are you and Glenn ...”

  She let the question hang in the air.

  Darla looked up quickly. “Me and Glenn? Heavens, no! We never even considered it.” She stroked her chin. “Well, I may have considered it once, but when I did, I came to the conclusion that the two of us would probably make a very amicable divorced couple.”

  Natalie snorted at the statement.

  Darla continued. “That being said, he is one of my closest friends, and I want him to be happy.”

  Natalie’s skin prickled. She sensed a warning was coming. She’d been warned away from men before—by girlfriends, yes—but also by concerned moms and sisters. Maybe it was best to meet it head-on this time. Was there a kind line for that? Something like, “Darla, I care about Glenn and I’d never want to hurt him”?

  Ugh. Too trite. No, in this case, maybe kindness meant being truthful. “I don’t have the best track record for making men happy. And I suspect that Glenn could be one of the few genuinely good men out there. That’s why I have no intention of starting a relationship with him. You don’t need to worry about that.”

  Darla regarded her with a frown. “I’m not worried. You’re right. Glenn is one of the few genuinely good men out there, but most don’t notice that. It would take a particular woman who’d traversed a particular set of circumstances to realize that about him. The fact that you’re here and you think that, and the fact that Glenn has actually snapped out of his absentminded haze to be smitten with you ... well, it’s interesting.”

  Natalie’s heart rate picked up a beat. “Interesting how?”

  “I’m thinking that maybe God brought you into each other’s lives.”

  There it was again. Natalie leaned forward. “Glenn likes to talk about God bringing people into other people’s lives, too. Do you really think that’s how it works?”

  “Certainly. Don’t you?”

  One tiny corner of her facade began to peel back. “I really don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and wondering if maybe God really cared about what happened to me when I was young, and that’s why he sent me friends.” She paused and guffawed. “He must be pretty mad at me by now for not figuring it out sooner.”

  “Maybe,” Darla mused. “But God has time on his side. Maybe he’s just waiting for you to figure it out, and he’ll keep offering until you do.”

  Natalie took no offense at the blunt statement, although she wasn’t sure she agreed. God couldn’t be offering anything. Could he? But before she could even think of voicing the denial, she stopped herself. How did she account for Glenn? For this week and this opportunity? How did she account for the no-nonsense yet kind woman talking to her now? Could it really all be God reaching out to her?

  She shook her facade off a little more. “That’s a nice thought, Darla, but you don’t know what all I’ve done wrong.”

  “Nope. But God does. He knows about everything we’ve all done, but he welcomes us anyway.”

  Natalie mulled this over in silence for a while. Darla was so matter-of-fact about it all, as if radical forgiveness was as certain and evident as the morning sunlight. Somehow that made it more convincing.

  She didn’t realize how long she had been thinking until the slight rumble of Darla’s snore caught her attention. She glanced in Darla’s direction and chuckled. The older woman was leaning against her headboard, fast asleep.

  Natalie stood up and shook Darla’s shoulder. “Darla, you might want to lay down. You’ll be sore if you sleep like that all night.”

  Darla mumbled incoherently, but settled into her bed as Natalie suggested. “Thanks, Natalie. You’re a good egg,” she murmured before drifting back to sleep.

  Natalie suppressed a laugh and switched off the table lamp, but when she returned to her own bed, her mind was swimming too much for sleep.

  A playwright she’d once worked with had told her that the words “what if?” were the most powerful ones in the world to a writer. They were exciting because they sparked original stories. But they were also terrifying because all writers questioned whether they would truly be able to bring those stories to life.

  In this moment, she could relate to that paradox. What if Glenn and Darla were right? What if God had not only been good to her all this time, but he was still offering goodness? What if he was willing to take a chance on her after everything?

  That wouldn’t necessarily mean overlooking her mistakes; the book she’d been reading was clear on that. Repentance, new life—it was all a journey. But God directed the journey.

  Yet why would he take the trouble? Here, in the darkness, she could at least admit to herself that she hoped he would. She hoped and even sensed that, somewhere out there in the great universe, there was a love so intense, so comprehensive, that it would make all the objects of her years of grasping and dreaming seem hollow in comparison.

  Even in her imagination, it seemed wonderful to consider ... Too wonderful, maybe.

  16

  Pristine, rain-soaked air wafted through the open kitchen window and mingled with the delicate, heady fragrance of the lilacs on the windowsill.

 
Now that she knew who had brought them, Natalie’s pulse fluttered each time their bright petals caught her eye. It was a reaction she did her best to attribute to simple gratitude, rather than the absurd schoolgirl bliss it more closely resembled.

  The now-familiar creak of the kitchen door pulled her attention from the window, and she turned as Darla bustled inside. “Good thinking setting up that salad bar today, Natalie,” she said. “That kept the kids occupied with lunch a little longer than usual.”

  “Thanks, Darla. I thought it might be fun for them and would help keep their minds off being cooped up inside all day because of the rain.” She had chopped and arranged an array of fresh local vegetables, cheeses, and dressings, along with her house-made croutons, on a long table so the kids could create their own salad concoctions.

  “Unfortunately,” Darla countered with a sigh, “their minds are back on their confinement again, and they’re already getting restless. That’s why I was wondering, since you’re finished with cleanup, do you think you could come out and help with crowd control before they start breaking stuff?”

  Natalie nearly knocked over a pan she had just set in the dish drainer. “C-crowd control? You mean like … go talk to them?”

  Darla stared at her, one eyebrow raised a half-inch. “That’s the general idea, yes.”

  Natalie picked up a dishcloth to wipe her hands, but ended up wringing it and tossing it from hand to hand instead. “Maybe I shouldn’t. I’m not the best with kids.”

  Darla grunted. “Glenn and I weren’t exactly Mike and Carol Brady when we started doing this. Besides, I’m not asking you to tutor them for their ACTs, I just want you to mingle a little, so no one gets too bored.”

  She backed against the kitchen door and held it open for Natalie.

  Natalie opened her mouth for another protest, but Darla crossed her arms and heaved an impatient sigh that made her reconsider.

  Resignedly, she shuffled through the door.