Changed Somehow

by Chloe Flanagan

  When Licha returned to her seat, she threw her arms around Natalie. “Thank you, Natalie. Thank you for helping me!”

  Momentarily stunned, Natalie gaped down at the girl, but the sweetness of the gesture eventually imbued life back into her limbs. She patted her Licha’s back. “You did amazing, girlfriend!”

  ◆◆◆

  Later in the evening after the service, Natalie returned to the chapel. The whole building was quiet now. All the kids had eaten dinner and gone to their rooms.

  Most of the lights in the chapel had been extinguished earlier, but one remained on behind the altar, illuminating the space enough for her to find a pew and sit down. As she did, she gazed at the altar and cross and drank in the silence. But it wasn’t just any silence.

  God was in that space. She was sure of it.

  Scooting forward, she clasped her hands and rested them on the cool wooden surface of the pew in front of her. But she didn’t know where to start.

  Maybe there?

  “I don’t know how to begin. I’ve done so much—made so many mistakes.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut and sobbed. “I’ve been selfish my whole life. I know it. I’ve been grasping for love or recognition or whatever I could get any way I could get it, when you were offering it all along. And I’m sorry.”

  Her head sank down to her hands as memories of her failures overpowered her thoughts. “I’m sorry. And I don’t want to be this way anymore. I want to know your love if—if you can accept me. And I want to know how to give love. I’m ready for you to take down whatever walls stand between us.”

  For the longest time, she didn’t raise her head. Would God really heed such a pathetic prayer? Her breath whooshed in and out in spasms and her temples throbbed.

  Slowly, a subtle breeze wafted over her, cooling her nearly feverish forehead and playing with her hair. Was there an open window or door somewhere?

  She opened her eyes and gave the room a once-over, until her attention caught on one of the stained glass windows. As best as she could make out, from her fuzzy knowledge of the Bible, the window depicted the story of the prodigal son. The son was a small figure with hunched shoulders and ragged clothes. In front of him stood the tall, bearded father, arms outstretched. Even in the dim light, she could sense the elation emanating from the father figure. How many years had she longed to have a dad that felt joy over her?

  But she did.

  Just like that, understanding swept through her. She was accepted! As improbable as it was, God had always loved her and he still did. He’d seen all the things she’d done and left undone, but he loved her anyway, and the gift of redemption was hers.

  The knowledge filled her up until she actually thought her heart might burst with it. Once again, she closed her eyes, allowing the gratitude and amazement to overflow as tears.

  19

  “I can’t believe tomorrow will be the last day of camp, can you?” Natalie asked Darla as she entered their room one balmy evening.

  “It did seem to go by pretty fast,” Darla agreed.

  Natalie sat down on the side of her bed, removed her hairpins, and brushed out her hair. One thing was certain: She was going to miss those kids. She never would’ve believed it, but ever since the Battle of Jericho, she’d started chatting, joking around, and even playing games with them after dinner. They had apparently grown accustomed to her, in their turn, because Licha and several of the others had begged her to promise that she would come and visit them at church or at Glenn’s place when they were there on a Saturday.

  She was only able to tell them that she’d do her best. There would only be a few days left in her stay at the apartment when she got back, and she had no idea what she would do after that.

  Glancing over at Darla, Natalie was startled to see that she wasn’t reading or writing, for a change. She was staring out the room’s only window, which she’d opened to let in a breeze. Maybe it was a trick of the moonlight trickling through the windblown tree branches outside, but Darla looked a little paler than usual.

  “Darla, is everything all right?”

  She snapped to attention and faced Natalie. “What do you mean?”

  “You seem sort of distracted, I guess.”

  “Hmm. I think I’m a little tired. That’s all. These camps take a lot out of you.”

  Natalie nodded slowly. “I-I don’t mean to pry, but I was wondering, do you still have health issues?”

  Darla waved her hand dismissively. “They caught the thyroid cancer in time and took care of it. I do have to be vigilant and get regular checkups, but other than that, my health is fine.”

  She scooted her chair forward and pointedly asked, “What about you?”

  Startled, Natalie raised her palms. “What about me?”

  “I don’t know… You’ve seemed a little different these last few days.”

  Natalie’s lips parted. “You really think so?”

  “Yes. I can’t figure out what the change is, though. Contentment, maybe?”

  Natalie kept quiet for a second then sprang off her bed. “Oh, Darla. I don’t know how to describe it! But I do feel different. The day of the chapel service, something happened. I-I asked God to forgive me, and I believe he did! I felt his love … No, I didn’t just feel it. It’s like it’s a part of me, it’s in my skin and bones now, and everything seems different.”

  Excitement forced her into motion, and she paced from the closet to the window and back to her bed. “Am I making any sense at all?”

  Turning to face Darla, she nearly stepped back in surprise. Her face was alight with a bright smile. “No, you’re not.”

  “Huh?”

  Darla’s smile widened. “I know from my experience that it doesn’t make any sense at all, but it’s still true.”

  Natalie felt her own smile take flight. “It’s still true,” she murmured. Then she plopped back down on her bed. “There’s so much I want to do, want to learn. Do you have any more books I can borrow?”

  Darla seemed to catch the half-joking tone of Natalie’s last question because her face scrunched up in amusement, but she stood and walked to the closet. “You’re free to borrow from me any time, but there are two I’d like to give you.”

  Returning from her suitcase, she handed Natalie a small, slightly worn leather Bible. “That was one of the first ones I bought. It’s a nice size for travel, and so is this.”

  She held out another leather-bound book. “This is a prayer book. We use it in church, but it’s also full of prayers inspired by Scripture and believers from over the centuries. In the times when I don’t even know what to pray, I usually start in here.”

  “That’s incredibly generous, Darla.” Natalie held the books and caressed the covers for a second before shaking her head. “But I can’t accept these.”

  Darla scowled. “Of course you can! I have others. And I think you’ll put them to good use.”

  Natalie swallowed over the lump forming in her throat. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  She sat down and flipped through the Bible, scanning verses from the Gospels about loving one another. She didn’t realize she was frowning until Darla said, “Problem?”

  Natalie sighed. “There is so much I want to make amends for, so many people I’ve hurt. I don’t know where to start.”

  “Well, you know what they say about eating an elephant.”

  A sudden grin tickled the corners of her mouth. “Does it have anything to do with the corporate ladder-climbing rhinoceros you told me about last week?”

  Darla narrowed her eyes at Natalie’s teasing. “So? I like animal metaphors. Life can be a real jungle sometimes. Anyway, you eat an elephant a bite at a time, and maybe that’s what you can do about making amends too. Address the most recent situation first, for example, whatever that may be.”

  “Hmmm,” Natalie mused. “That’s a good idea. Maybe I’ll do that as soon as we get back to the city.”

  “Meanwhil
e, I want to show you something.” Darla sat down beside Natalie and took the Bible. She opened to a passage that was marked and pointed.

  Natalie read the verse aloud, “And all of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit.”

  She reread the verse to herself and looked up. “‘From one degree of glory to another’? What does that mean?”

  Darla smoothed the page. “I think it means that the business of transformation is a process; not a quick-change act.”

  “I understand that metaphor.”

  “Right.” Darla patted Natalie’s shoulder. “So just relax. Have joy in the process, and remember who is guiding it.”

  20

  The day after returning to the city, Natalie made good on her promise to call Kyla. As the phone rang, her stomach felt like she’d swallowed a few dozen rocks. She’d practiced her apology several times, but she dreaded attempting to give it, since Kyla would probably disconnect the call as soon as she heard Natalie’s voice. But she still had to try.

  “Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Kyla Sherman. I’m sorry I missed your call, but please leave your name and contact information, and I’ll get back with you as soon as possible.”

  “Kyla, it’s Natalie. I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from right now, but there’s something I wanted to say to you. I’d rather not do it on voicemail, so could you please call me back? Thanks.”

  She ended the call and tossed her phone on the couch with a sigh. There was no way Kyla would actually call her back, but that was her prerogative. Kyla was under no obligation to help soothe Natalie’s conscience.

  For a few moments, Natalie sat and absorbed the silence of the apartment. It was an odd contrast to the noisy chaos of the camp that was taking some getting used to, but it wasn’t altogether unpleasant.

  Standing up, she went to the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets until she found a teakettle. Notwithstanding the newfound sense of peace that seemed to be following her like a shadow, she realized she still needed to make a decision about her next move.

  She filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove. Then she opened the tin of high-end herbal tea she’d bought at the market earlier. It was a small luxury she’d indulged in after receiving her generous stipend from Glenn and Darla.

  The money would hold her over for a while. She would have liked to stay in the apartment longer, and Jaden had even messaged her to suggest it. But she would still need more work to make that happen.

  A firm knock on the door suddenly resounded through the apartment.

  Natalie regarded the door. Had Jaden decided to come back early?

  As soon as she opened the door, her insides lit up. “Glenn! I thought you’d be at work.”

  “Would ya believe there was a leak in my office this morning? They had to clean and repaint the whole thing.”

  “What a headache! I’m sorry.”

  He waved his hand. “Don’t be. It was time for a new paint job anyway.”

  “You have a knack for looking at the bright side. It’s refreshing.”

  “Hey, thanks!”

  She stepped aside. “You can come in if you want, but I’m afraid I’m not cooking anything to offer you this time. I do have tea, though.”

  He walked inside and leaned his elbows on the kitchen counter. “Don’t have anything cooking?” He sent her an exaggerated eye roll. “Boy, if I were you, I wouldn’t wanna cook anything for anyone for at least a month or two.”

  She giggled and leaned on the counter across from him. “Oh, I doubt it will be that long.”

  His eyes softened, and he leaned closer. “Natalie, you did such a super job with those kids.”

  “It wasn’t too difficult preparing for that many, once I got back in the habit.”

  He gave his head a solemn shake. “I don’t just mean the food. I mean you really took care of them and connected with them.”

  His praise draped over her like a pageant sash, filling her with instant confidence and pride. But those feelings faded just as quickly as they had arisen. “It was sort of a case of ‘fake it till you make it.’ I’m afraid connections don’t come naturally to me.”

  He raised a skeptical brow, but didn’t respond, so she pressed on. “I’m serious, Glenn. Those kids really grew on me but, normally, I … Well, I really ought to explain some things to you.”

  Just then, the teakettle whistled, and she turned to take it off the burner and pour. “Tea?” she asked over her shoulder.

  “No, thanks. And you don’t have to explain anything to me. I came over to thank you again, and to find out if you have any plans tomorrow night.” He threw the last part in so quickly that she wasn’t sure she had heard him correctly.

  Turning to face him, she asked, “What was that?”

  His face went red. “I was wondering if you’d like to go to dinner with me tomorrow night.”

  Her heart rate picked up. He was asking her out! “Sure, I’d love to.”

  “Well, I thought you’d like having someone cook for you for a change and—wait.” He did a double take. “You’d love to?”

  She nodded, trying to keep her grin in check.

  “Well … Great! That’s great! So, I’ll stop by your door around 6:30 tomorrow, if that’s okay.”

  “That will work,” she assured him.

  “OK, then. I’ll let you get to your tea. I’ve got a few phone calls to make.”

  She walked him to the door and held it open as he exited. Then, she started to close it, but stopped short, so she could watch as he strolled down the hall back to his apartment. After he’d gone a few steps, he paused, looked up, and pointed both index fingers at the ceiling in what she could only interpret as a ‘thank-you’ gesture. Then he moved forward without looking down and nearly ran into his front door.

  Quickly, she closed her own door before he could hear the sound of her laughter.

  Back in her kitchen, she sat down at the counter and sipped her tea, but the fancy herbal leaves couldn’t seem to soothe her. Her heartbeat was fluttering—actually fluttering—in anticipation of the date with Glenn.

  But after a few more minutes of reflection, heavy truth settled over her. Glenn had no business dating someone like her. He couldn’t know that, of course, because he’d only seen what she’d let him see. But he deserved to know everything about her.

  Part of her toyed with the notion of marching down the hall right that minute, calling off the date, and telling him all about her past mistakes and attitudes right up to the point of the camp. But the other part couldn’t stand to do it. Maybe she was jumping the gun. It was only one date, after all.

  21

  Natalie carefully applied just a smidge of lipstick. When she wasn’t performing, she tended to keep her makeup subtle, but tonight, in addition to lipstick, she’d added a little eyeliner and mascara to bring out her gray-blue eyes.

  After finishing her makeup, she deliberated and finally selected a sleeveless, teal A-line dress that was one of her favorites.

  But her preparations couldn’t distract her from the relentless concern that she wasn’t doing the right thing by getting involved with Glenn.

  The right thing.

  How long had it been since she’d given consideration to that? For so many years, “right” had merely meant whatever was most advantageous for her. But not now. Now, she couldn’t stand the thought of hurting Glenn. Even without the looming specter of her past, the odds felt stacked against her. This faith stuff was still so new to her. What if she did something stupid and messed things up? What if she broke his heart?

  With a heart growing increasingly heavy, she finished dressing and went to the bedroom nightstand to pick up the Bible Darla had given her. The older woman had marked several passages in both the Bible and the prayer book, and Natalie had found them useful, both
for her own questions, and for the glimpse they gave into Darla’s personality.

  After turning several pages, she located a passage she’d skimmed the day before and read it more carefully.

  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

  and do not rely on your own insight.

  In all your ways acknowledge him,

  and he will make straight your paths.”

  As she turned the words over in her mind, relief began to trickle through her. Maybe she didn’t have to figure everything out all by herself anymore. Maybe God would care enough to help her if she cared enough to ask. So she did.

  To her delight, she found a prayer for guidance in the prayer book, so she prayed the words and added the specifics of her situation, including the fear that she would hurt Glenn.

  When she was finished, she felt indescribably lighter.

  ◆◆◆

  Even if she hadn’t been expecting him, Natalie would have recognized Glenn’s now-familiar knock on the apartment door. She opened it eagerly, but nearly swayed back when she saw him. He was dressed in a sleek, dark suit that she was almost certain was Armani, and he had slicked his thick, black hair back with gel or mousse.

  She started to speak, but he stole the word she was thinking. “Whoa!” His gaze swept over her. “Natalie, you look stunning.”

  “Thanks. You look very nice too.”

  He didn’t seem to hear the compliment. His eyes were fixed on her face. “You know, sometimes I forget how beautiful you are,” he murmured.

  “O-oh?”

  “I’m sorry. That probably sounded bizarre, didn’t it? I just meant …” he stopped and rubbed his chin, “when I think about you while you’re not around, I think about other stuff like your kindness and talent and sense of humor. So then I see you like this tonight and … boom! I get my socks knocked off.”

  His words threw her into an odd limbo between tears and laughter, but the latter escaped first.