Half of Me

by J. M. Paul

  “What? Why?” My eyebrows crash together.

  “Word on the street is, the mother didn’t have the best home life.” Maya’s eyes flash over to me, and her voice lowers. “We weren’t directly informed, but sources overheard the grandparents discussing the mother’s struggle while they were visiting Jenna.”

  A baby a few stations over starts crying, and Maya turns to check on him. Before she leaves, she says, “The father claims not to know anything about the mother’s drug use.”

  “Wow.” Turning from Maya, I study Jenna more thoroughly. “You poor, precious little—”

  My words are cut off by a door banging open, and then heavy footsteps run on the vinyl floor.

  “Hey, mini monster, slow down!” a deep voice bellows right before saying, “Gotcha!”

  Then, a high-pitched squeal sounds.

  “Shh, there are babies trying to sleep in here,” is whispered to what must be a toddler from the sounds and actions of the duo.

  A blue curtain hangs between me and the noisy culprits, obstructing my view of them.

  Jenna, who fell back to sleep while I read over her file, starts to squirm and wakes up from their rowdiness. Just when I’m about to stand and tell them to quiet down, the offenders step around the curtain.

  When my eyes collide with the guy holding a child in his arms, my jaw drops open.

  “Joslyn?” he says at the same time I say, “Jacob?”

  Jacob’s attention flies to Jenna, focusing on my finger still held in her tiny grasp, and then back to me.

  “What are you doing here?” Jacob questions.

  “I work here. What are you doing here?” I scratch my ear with my free hand.

  Jacob’s eyes slowly work their way up from my stained-glass Dansko-clad feet to my black-white-and-red polka-dotted Mickey Mouse scrubs and then land back on my face. We remain quiet as we study each other—me waiting for him to answer my question and him…

  I’m not sure what Jacob’s waiting for.

  Quickly flicking his eyes up to the monitors logging Jenna’s stats, Jacob steps closer to her incubator and studies her.

  When he regards me again, my stomach flips at the soft expression in his eyes.

  “Jenna’s my daughter,” he whispers.

  CHAPTER 3

  * * *

  EAVESDROPPING

  “Mommy?” Jagger, who is snuggly held in his dad’s arms, timidly says to me before I have a chance to react to Jacob’s admission that Jenna is his daughter.

  A shocked and horrified expression crosses Jacob’s face before he glances down at Jagger.

  “No, Jagster. That’s Joslyn. Do you remember her from the park the other day?” Jacob bounces Jagger on his hip once, making the boy giggle.

  “Hi, Jagger. How are you, buddy?” I give him a slight wave and smile.

  Jagger’s blue eyes stay focused on me before rising up to his dad’s in confusion. “She looks like Mommy.”

  Both sets of blue irises turn in my direction, and the sudden scrutiny by man and son makes me shift in my chair.

  “She has blonde hair and blue eyes like Mommy, so they have a similar appearance, but it’s not her.” Jacob leans forward and brushes his nose against Jagger’s. “Your mommy’s an angel who watches over you from heaven now, remember?”

  At those words, my heart breaks open in my chest. The poor little guy misses his mom and has probably been trying to find her in every woman he comes into contact with. I imagine it’s almost impossible for a four-year-old to understand death and that it takes the people we love away from us forever.

  “Don’t want Mommy to be an angel.” Jagger sticks his thumb in his mouth and rests his head on Jacob’s shoulder.

  The toddler studies me with curious yet shy eyes.

  Rubbing a hand over Jagger’s light-brown curls, Jacob kisses the crown of his head. “Me either, buddy.”

  We remain silent—Jagger sucking his thumb and watching me through sleepy eyes, Jacob—who in this moment of stress looks older than his thirty-one years—slowly rocking Jagger in his arms and studying Jenna, and me intruding on the distressing private family moment.

  I can’t believe this is happening. The man at the park, whom I fell hard and fast for, is my patient’s father.

  I gently clear my throat and stand from my crouched over position on the chair. The motion makes pain surge through my abdomen, and I whimper and press against my stomach until the discomfort subsides. Regretfully, I pull my finger from Jenna’s grasp and smile down at her. She squirms, her eyes fluttering, and then settles back to sleep.

  I’ll be back soon, sweet girl, I silently promise her.

  When I turn, Jacob’s questioning eyes are pinned on me.

  “What’s wrong?” His gaze shifts to the hand pressing against my abdomen and then back up to me.

  I stand straighter and let my arm fall to my side. “Nothing. I’m good. I had a cramp from sitting too long.” Lying is becoming easier and easier.

  His brows furrow, and he watches me for several long seconds.

  “Well, excuse me. I need to get back to work, so I’ll leave you to visit with your daughter.” Pivoting slightly, I see Jenna is still sleeping soundly.

  Jacob’s gaze follows mine. “How’s she doing?”

  “She’s holding in there.” I smile at the thought of her blue eyes finding mine earlier and the draw I feel to her. “We just gave her meds, so she’ll probably sleep for a while.”

  Jacob nods but keeps watching Jenna.

  When I go to walk around Jacob, he touches my arm to stop me. The heat from his hand travels up my arm and into my chest. Swiveling, I meet his stare.

  “It was good to see you, Joslyn.”

  I blink once and then twice, and then I nod. “You, too, Jacob.” I inhale a shaky deep breath. “And I’m sorry for your loss.”

  Jacob’s eyes close briefly, and his hand instinctually starts to rub Jagger’s back before he nods and turns to face Jenna.

  With that, I leave to find Maya, so she can give me the rundown on the rest of the NICU cases.

  “Where’s Joslyn?” I hear Jagger ask in a sleepy voice.

  “She’s helping the other babies feel better, like she helps your sister.” The chair squeaks as Jacob shifts.

  “I like her, Daddy.”

  It’s quiet for a long time before Jacob whispers, “I like her, too, son.”

  My breath catches in my lungs. I can’t help the grin that touches my lips as I strip down a crib on the other side of the privacy curtain blocking Jenna’s area. The baby was well enough to go home today. It’s always a great experience, watching the jubilation on parents’ faces as they leave the hospital with their baby in their arms.

  Jacob and Jagger barely know me, but they like me.

  My smile stretches wider.

  “Hey, Jos. What are you beaming about?” Maya sidles up next to me. She grabs the linens out of my hands and shoves them into the designated bag.

  “Uh, nothing.” I turn quickly to sanitize the machines, so she can’t see the color inching into my cheeks at getting caught eavesdropping.

  What if Jacob knows I heard them?

  “Isn’t it time for you to leave? Your doc-prescribed few hours of normalcy are up.” Maya lightly bumps into me with her plump bum, but concern is written on her face.

  “Yeah.” I turn to tie the linen bag.

  When I’m done, Maya takes it and hefts it up to carry it to the cart since I’m not allowed to lift anything.

  Looking around, I can’t find something else to do to stall time. I want to check on Jenna before I go, but Jacob and Jagger are still here. I don’t want to intrude on their time, and I’m also embarrassed because Jacob has to know I was snooping on him and Jagger.

  “Get outta here, and get some rest tonight. I want to take you out for a night on the town tomorrow. It’s our last Saturday before classes start on Monday.” Maya swats my butt and waggles her eyebrows before she twists and makes her way d
own the hall, toward the linen disposal.

  My eyes linger on the curtain separating me from Jenna, Jacob, and Jagger, and I think about how strange it is to feel such an immediate draw to their family. We’re hurting for different reasons, but pain has a way of connecting people, even strangers. Maybe it’s because, in unity, the broken find strength, or maybe our souls want to feel and be distracted by sorrow for someone other than ourselves. Whatever the reason, the pull I feel to the three people that are so close yet so far away is too strong for me to withstand, so I walk to the curtain.

  “Knock, knock,” I whisper.

  “You can come in,” Jacob answers.

  “Hi, Joslyn.” I hear Jagger’s excited voice as soon as I push back the material and step around it. He jumps down from Jacob’s lap and runs over to me.

  “Hi, little guy.” I ruffle his hair. “How are you?”

  He shrugs and glances at Jacob, then Jenna, and then at me. “Okay.”

  I can’t imagine how hard it must be at his age to try to understand what’s going on in his life. From what I heard and what I know of children his age, all they want is their parents. They hero-worship them, and then, suddenly, one hero is gone. On top of everything, they now have a sick baby who has entered the picture. Jagger might not understand the grave situation his sister is in, but kids are smart enough that they can read and feel the emotions of the people they love.

  I raise my eyes to Jacob and read the misery written in his features. I know Jagger must be so confused and scared.

  As all men do, Jacob is trying to act like he’s getting by, but I can tell he’s about one shove from falling apart. I wonder if he has anyone he can lean on or if he’s in this by himself. If he is, there’s no way these three precious people are going to make it out without more than a few scars.

  I could help them—

  I stop the thought before it goes further. First, Jacob and I don’t know anything about each other, except for the few words we exchanged on a lonely park bench. Second, what makes me think Jacob would even want my help?

  I give Jagger a sad smile. “Come here.”

  I open my arms, and he immediately walks into them, letting me hug him tight.

  Rubbing my hand up and down his back, I whisper in his ear, “Everything will be okay, Jagger. We’ll take care of your sister, but you have to take care of your daddy, okay?” I lean back, so I can see his beautiful blue eyes. “You both need to be strong for each other, and even though your dad is a tough man, he needs you as much as you need him.” I run my hand through his light-brown curls. “Do you think you can help take care of him the way he takes care of you?”

  Jagger nods enthusiastically and glances back at Jacob. When I lift my attention to him, Jacob stares at me with something like gratitude written on his face. I give him a small smile when Jagger runs over to him and climbs back onto his lap.

  Walking over to Jenna, I gaze down at her angelic face. “How’s she doing?”

  “She’s been sleeping the whole time.” Jacob adjusts Jagger on his lap.

  “That’s good. It’ll help her get stronger.” I grab her file and sift through it even though I know nothing has changed in the two hours since I was last in here. Glancing up at the monitors, I note that her heartbeat and oxygen levels are steady, which, of course, is good.

  “Did I hear you’re leaving?” Jacob asks quietly.

  I blink up at him. “Uh, yeah.”

  If he heard that, then he more than likely knows I was listening in on his private exchange with Jagger. Pink starts to blossom in my cheeks, and I try to busy myself, so he doesn’t notice.

  “I heard your coworker say something about your doctor. Are you…is everything okay?” His forehead wrinkles in concern.

  I release a long breath and sag against Jenna’s incubator. He’s detected me babying myself when I move or stand, and I’ve lied to him about it thus far, but I’m not good at fibbing. Jacob will be here for the next several weeks with Jenna, so I might as well offer him something.

  “I had major surgery a few weeks ago. I’m good,” I quickly add before he can ask, but it’s another white lie. My body might be okay and healing, but my heart is severed and bleeding. “But I still have to take it easy for the next couple of weeks and slowly adjust back into my regular life.” I lift my shoulder.

  Jacob gives me what seems to be a knowing look that I don’t understand.

  Is it sympathy, or does he see me for the scam that I am? I’m not sure.

  Maybe I need to start lying to myself, so I can believe what I say to other people. Live the lie, breathe the lie, and maybe the lie will be true. The truth is ugly, and I’ve had enough ugly in the last couple of months to last me a lifetime. It’s time to embrace the pretty lies that make people feel better, including me.

  “Well, I should get going. I just wanted to stop in and see how she was doing before I left.”

  I stuff the paperwork back into the slot on the side of Jenna’s incubator. The noise or motion must jostle her because she moves her head and immediately finds me when her eyes open. Everything in me melts, and nothing is important, except for the connection I feel with this little girl and her family.

  “Hi, sweet girl,” I coo. I quickly rub antibacterial on, so I can stick my hand in to touch her.

  “She’s awake?” Jacob pushes onto his feet to come stand next to me.

  I’m not sure how long we stand in silence, simply watching Jenna blink her gorgeous eyes between the two of us. Jagger comes over to stand between us. He grabs Jacob’s hand and hesitantly pushes his small hand into mine. My heart swells, and warmth radiates throughout my body as I relish this brief unity.

  For a second, I let myself live in a make-believe world—that this is my family, that Jagger and Jenna are mine, and that I get to go home to the handsome man standing next to me. Jacob is stunning, and from what I know of him, he seems to be sympathetic and caring. I can imagine him wrapping his arms around me when I walk in the door from a hard day at work. He would kiss away all my troubles just before our two rambunctious children run up and smother me in excited hugs and kisses. And, just like that, my problems would fall away, to be forgotten for another day. Because, when I’m with my family, life is good, and nothing can touch us.

  Jagger sneezes, ripping the fairy tale from my head, only to be replaced by the stark truth of my reality, and it’s too painful. Tears well in my eyes at the loss, and I sniffle.

  Jacob leans close, placing his mouth near my ear. “It’ll be okay, Joslyn.”

  I lower my head, trying hard not to lean into his comfort. When I gather the courage, I raise my gaze to his. His deep blue eyes study me as he lifts his hand to wipe away a tear that has drifted down my cheek.

  We stand in that moment, just the four of us—my finger wrapped in Jenna’s fist, Jagger’s hands holding mine and Jacob’s, and Jacob’s hand resting against my face—as if we’d done it several times before. As if I’m not practically an outsider to this family. If anyone glances in this room, they will think we’re a family, and deep down, I wish it were true.

  As Jacob watches me, the air between us becomes profound and unexplainable as unfamiliar emotions swirl around us. What they are, I’m not sure, but as much as I think I like it, I know it’s not right. We’re merely strangers, united by a rare and sensitive situation. We’re both grieving different losses. Jacob lost his wife, and he’s dealing with a grieving child and a very sick newborn. He doesn’t need anything more on his plate. The situation I’m currently dealing with would add heaps of shit to his already shit-filled dish.

  “I need to go.” I gently pull myself from Jenna’s grip and Jagger’s hand. When I move, Jacob’s hand falls to his side, and I grieve the loss of contact from all three of them.

  As I walk away, I crumble inside over something that isn’t mine, can never be mine, even though it instantly felt like it should be.

  Over the next several months, years, I need to come to terms with the col
d, hard truth of my new life. I had a Wertheim’s hysterectomy. I can’t bear my own children, men won’t want to be with me because of that fact—as proven by my jerkhole of an ex-boyfriend—and I will most likely live the rest of my life alone.

  That’s one bitter barrel of a gun I’m staring down, but I have to find a way to deal. I have to become a new me. At the end of the day, I might not like who I am, but at least I’ll be someone who has learned to survive by whatever means possible, despite my circumstances.

  CHAPTER 4

  * * *

  NEW GIRL

  “Woohoo! Look at you, girlfriend. You’re smoking hot,” Maya says when I walk out of my room.

  For the last year, we’ve lived together in the house my parents left me when they passed away two years ago. It’s in Ann Arbor, where the University of Michigan is located, making it convenient. I don’t need the rent money, but I do enjoy the company. It’s eerie, living in my childhood home with the ghost of my parents, but I can’t bring myself to sell the house yet.

  It’s been quite interesting, living with Maya. She’s my best friend, but we’re opposites in student life. I study and dedicate all my time to my education while she takes her schooling seriously but with a large dose of party. Maya figures, if we work hard, we should play harder. And, tonight, in the frame of mind I’m in, I have to say, I agree. The night is young, and my first semester of graduate school hasn’t begun yet.

  “You’re not so shabby yourself.” I kiss her on the cheek, and then I step around her to head to the kitchen. Stopping dead in my tracks, I examine the counter lined with shot glasses, wedges of lemon, and salt. Swiveling my head in her direction, I lift my brows.

  “Pregaming, baby, and don’t give me shit. We’re about to embark on our first year of hell—excuse me, grad school—and life just crapped its brains out at your feet. We need to blow off steam before we explode, and you need to get so drunk that you can’t remember why you’re supposed to be sad.” Maya walks up to me and places her hands on my shoulders. “Just one night, Jos. For a couple of hours, I don’t want to see this dejected look in your eyes.”