Half of Me

by J. M. Paul

  I’ll now have two Camilas, or at least a Camila and a piece of Camila, in my world.

  “I hope it’s a girl,” spits out of my mouth before I could think about it. “I mean, I hope it’s whatever you want it to be and that it’s healthy, but I wouldn’t mind if it was a girl.” I give her a sheepish smile.

  Standing on the bed again, I jump up and down, unable to contain my enthusiasm. We both laugh until I’m tired, and I slink back down to sit next to her.

  “You’re going to be a mommy, Cam. At this very moment, you’re creating a mini human in there.” I point to her flat stomach and can’t control the beaming smile on my face.

  Camila simply watches me slack-jawed, and I can’t read her. She’s being quiet, too quiet.

  “Why aren’t you saying anything?” I shift to face her, my eyebrows scrunching together. “Are you not happy?”

  “I’m happy,” she whispers.

  “Then, why are you so subdued?” I lean closer.

  She scratches her neck and diverts her attention to the wall across the room.

  “Cam, talk to me.”

  She stares at nothing for a long while, and I can tell the wheels in her brain are working overtime. When she finally inspects me, I see worry.

  “You’re really glad I’m expecting?” It’s said so softly, I barely hear her.

  “Of course I am.” My head jerks back. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  Her eyes fill with moisture, and she takes my hand in hers. “Ben and I weren’t trying. We’re happy, ecstatic even, but…”

  “But what?” I prompt her.

  “I feel guilty.” She traces her finger along the outside of my hand.

  “What on earth do you have to feel guilty about?” I scratch my head.

  Camila releases her grasp on me to twist a loose string from my sheet around her finger. “Since I met you, all you’ve talked about is how you want a large family.” She takes a deep breath and slowly releases it, blowing at a piece of stray hair that was stuck to her tearstained cheeks.

  “Ben and I weren’t certain we wanted to be parents, but here I am, knocked up anyway. And there you are, wanting nothing more than to be a mom, and you can’t have kids.” Tears seep down her face. “It makes me feel so unbelievably guilty. Does that make sense?”

  I grab her hands. “No, no, no. Please don’t feel that way. It’s not your fault that my body doesn’t work and yours does. You’re doing what you’re supposed to do. We were fashioned to procreate. I’m the broken one, Cam, not you. You and Ben deserve this miracle.” I move a hand to her stomach and rest it over where a tiny heart beats deep inside her womb.

  After a stretch of silence, I say, “I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, and I probably never will, but I’m learning to be okay with it. There’s a plan for me, and I have to be patient enough to wait and find out what it is. But, regardless of how my story ends, I’m so super happy for you and Ben. You’re having a baby, Cam!”

  I grin at her, and she reflects it back.

  “You’re such a wonderful person, Jos. You really have no idea. I can’t comprehend why something so horrible happened to you.”

  “Crappy things happen to good people all the time.” I shrug. “My situation sucks, but after a while, I’ll get used to the suckiness. And, like everyone else, I’ll learn to deal with the hand I’ve been dealt, and I’ll try to move on the best I can.”

  She takes my face in her hands. “I love you, Joslyn Stone. You’re the strongest, most wonderful person I know. I’m going to need you by my side through this entire process.” Fear flickers in her eyes. “I’m over the moon about this baby, but I’m also scared shitless.”

  I chuckle once and place my hands on top of hers. “I’m with you all the way, Cam. As Maya said, it’s simple girl gang code.”

  We laugh and wrap each other in a bear hug.

  CHAPTER 13

  * * *

  HARD KNOCKS

  The wind catches and flips a page of Klaus and Fanaroff’s Care of the High-Risk Neonate book resting on my lap. It’s been over fifteen minutes since I’ve glanced at it, so I close and put it beside me on the bench.

  It’s unseasonably warm for December in Michigan, so the kids and me are at the park so Jagger can work off his extra energy. Christmas is in a couple of weeks, and he’s been bouncing off the walls in excitement. It’s Friday, and Jacob is working from home today, so I got the kids out of the house, so he can hopefully conduct a few of his conference calls in peace.

  “Vroom, vroom,” Jagger hums as he runs around the playground.

  The little monster is acting like he’s flying a plane while Jenna is sleeping soundly in her carrier next to me. Despite the unusual weather, I still have her bundled up, so she won’t catch a chill.

  I’m enjoying watching Jagger babble when I hear a voice that makes everything come to a crashing halt inside my chest. That voice used to make my heart flutter and my pulse race, but now, it freezes the blood in my veins.

  The tone is mixed with another person’s that also sounds familiar, but I can’t place it. Not wanting to draw attention to myself but too nosy not to gape, I cast sidelong glances in the direction of the conversation while trying to keep my head still. There’s not much to see, except for the thick strands of my blonde hair. The wind blows the tresses enough to make out that he’s standing with a woman and a small child. Perking my ears, I try to listen and catch what they’re saying, but they’re too far away.

  A little girl goes flying past my bench and jumps onto the jungle gym Jagger is playing next to. The girl says something to Jagger, and he replies and then goes back to playing alone. Since Juliana died, Jacob has said that Jagger has closed himself off to other people. I’ve realized it’s true, and I’ve promised myself and Jacob to work with him on breaking him out of his shell.

  “Brett, stop. Let Scarla play for a little while, and then we’ll head back,” the female voice says.

  Their footfall grows closer, and I quickly eye Jagger to make sure he’s still playing. Then, I turn my head, busying myself with putting my books back into the diaper bag. I zip it up and search the pockets for nothing in particular, and then I check on Jenna, doing anything that will divert my attention and face away from them.

  “Aw, she’s adorable!” a female says. “How old is she?”

  My head instantly lifts in the direction of the woman, but my eyes slam into Brett’s.

  I guess I can’t get out of this unscathed.

  “Joslyn?” Brett drops the woman’s hand and takes a step closer to me.

  “Hey, Brett.” I give a lame wave and then direct my attention over to the person he’s with. My stomach twists and falls when I recognize her as his friend from work. “Anna?”

  Anna’s eyes shoot from me to Brett to me and back to Brett, and then she looks over to Scarla swinging on a low bar on the playground equipment.

  “Hey, Joslyn.” She gives me a hesitant smile.

  “Mommy, I can’t get down!” Scarla calls to Anna.

  “Excuse me.” Anna gives Brett an expression I can’t decipher, and then she jogs over to the little girl hanging and starting to whimper.

  “What are you doing here?” Brett rubs his knuckles over his chin.

  “Last I checked, it’s a public playground, and I was here first.” I give him what I hope is a good bitch face.

  His jaw twitches. “I mean, who’s the kid?” He gestures toward Jenna in her carrier.

  “None of your business.” I stand. “Jagger, come on, buddy. It’s time to go!” I yell over my shoulder toward the play area.

  “Aw, Joslyn. I was starting a big battle.” Jagger pouts.

  “Now, buddy,” I warn.

  “You have two kids?” Brett’s mouth pops open, and I think of several unpleasant things I’d love to shove in it, starting with my fist.

  “And you’re screwing your friend from work?” I retort.

  How many times did Brett assure me that he
and Anna were only friends when I asked about their nonstop texting? How stupid am I?

  “Jos—” Brett starts.

  “I don’t want to go home,” Jagger’s whining interrupts Brett.

  I peer down at Jagger. His bottom lip is pushed out, and his arms are crossed over his chest. If I wasn’t so pissed off at the situation I’ve now found myself in with Brett and Anna, I would laugh at him.

  “Sorry, little man, we have to.” I toss the bag over my shoulder, lift Jenna’s carrier, and take Jagger’s hand in mine.

  Anna walks up with Scarla in her arms.

  “I would say it was nice seeing you, but I don’t make a habit of lying.” I give Brett a point-blank stare. “Have a great life!” And by great, I mean, horribly dreadful.

  I turn to leave, but Anna’s words stop me mid stride.

  “Did you tell her about the baby?” Anna’s voice lifts in excitement.

  My eyes connect with Brett’s, and his face goes pale.

  “Baby?” I ask.

  Anna rests her free hand on her swollen stomach that I didn’t notice earlier. “Yes, we’re expecting a boy in April.”

  April?

  That can’t be. That means she got pregnant no later than July. Brett and I were still very much together in July.

  My attention flies back to Brett, and he’s rubbing his hands up and down his face and then into his thinning hair. When he finally makes eye contact, regret shines through them.

  Pulling Jagger into me, I press one of his ears against my leg and cover the other with our conjoined hands, so hopefully, he can’t hear what I’m about to say.

  “You scum-sucking asshole,” I seethe. “I hope you rot in hell.” I swing my attention to Anna. “Good luck with him. You’ll need it.”

  I turn my back to them, and with my head held high, I walk toward the parking lot and leave my past firmly in the past.

  “Hey, Jagster. How was the park?” Jacob picks up his son and spins him in a circle when we walk in the door.

  Jagger releases a big belly laugh.

  “Good, but Joslyn made us leave too soon,” Jagger says when Jacob puts him on the ground.

  “Oh, yeah?” Jacob has a smile on his lips when he glimpses over at me, but when he sees whatever expression I’m wearing, it slackens. “Why don’t you go clean up, little man, and then we’ll eat an early lunch?” Jacob pats Jagger on the head before he takes off up the stairs to his bedroom.

  After I set Jenna’s carrier on the kitchen counter, I start to unpack the diaper bag a little too forcefully.

  Jacob unbuckles Jenna and lifts her into his arms. If I wasn’t in such a sour mood, I would fawn at the vision of this handsome man holding his adorable daughter, like I do every other time I’m graced with the sight.

  “Talk to me.” Jacob stands at my side with Jenna cooing up at him.

  She loves her daddy.

  “About what?” Slapping an empty bottle on the counter, I reach back into the patterned bag and pull out a couple of extra outfits that I packed for her.

  “Joslyn…”

  I close my eyes and straighten my back. “I ran into Brett at the park.”

  Jacob inhales a sharp breath.

  “He was with a woman, someone he works with. Someone he swore he was just friends with.” I shake my head, open my eyes, and turn in Jacob’s direction. “And she’s pregnant.” My throat tightens, and I choke on the tears I won’t allow myself to shed.

  Jacob adjusts Jenna, so she’s cradled in one of his arms, and he reaches for me with the other. Crushing me to his chest, he rests his chin on top of my head.

  “That’s not even the worst part.” Turning so that my ear is pressed against Jacob’s chest, I watch Jenna chew on her fist. “He cheated on me.”

  Jacob’s body goes rigid, and he clenches his fist against my back, but he remains mute to let me get everything out all at once.

  My phone rings on the counter, making me jump, but I don’t move, letting it go to voice mail. I need the comfort Jacob’s offering and time to let the knowledge of what I learned this morning sink in. I told myself I would leave the past in the past, but I need to grieve before I can move forward.

  Pain and resentment fill my chest at the memory of Brett holding Anna’s hand when they first noticed me on the bench. I recall watching Anna lovingly caressing her swollen belly, unknowingly rubbing in the fact that I will never be able to offer Brett what she can.

  “She’s due in April, which means she conceived around July.” My voice breaks, and I swallow, trying to steady myself. “Brett and I were still together in July.”

  Jacob tightens his arm around me.

  I squeeze my eyes closed and let a few tears escape and run down my cheeks. “I wasn’t even good enough when he thought I could still have his babies.”

  Jenna makes a sound, and I open my lids to see her. She’s watching me with her brilliant blue eyes. I take one of her hands, and she wraps her fingers around mine.

  “I’ll never have this. Someone who will depend on me for everything and think my kisses can cure all their boo-boos. I’ll never hear the word Mommy whispered from my child’s mouth or an I love you that can cure all my ailments.” I sniffle. “Brett left me for someone who could have his children. I’ll be forced to become a cat lady because no man wants a hacked-up half-woman, and my friends will be too busy being mothers to remember me.”

  My phone rings again, and I ignore it. Whoever it is can wait while my heart bleeds because this moment of vulnerability will help me build the walls around myself, eventually protecting me from future weaknesses.

  “Everything about this situation is painful, but what cuts the deepest is the fact that I’ll never be good enough. Brett left me, just like every other guy will, for someone who could be everything he wanted.”

  I wiggle my finger back and forth, and Jenna makes a happy squeak.

  Jacob backs away, and I feel cold without his heat. He kisses Jenna on the forehead and gently puts her back in her carrier. When he turns, his dark blue eyes slam into mine, and he’s wearing a stern expression. Grabbing my arms, he bends down, so we’re at eye-level.

  “I don’t ever want to hear that you’re not fucking good enough again.” He slightly shakes me. “Brett’s an asshole, and you’re too good for him, Joslyn. We’ve only known each other for a couple of months, but you’re by far the best person I’ve ever met, and I won’t have you demeaning yourself because of that bastard.”

  My chin trembles, and I bite my lip hard to try to stop the tears that want to spill.

  He rests his hand on my cheek and takes a step closer. His eyes snag mine and don’t waver.

  “You’re perfect the way you are, sweetheart.” It’s whispered with so much reverence that I can’t catch my breath.

  Our gazes remain glued on one another until Jacob’s attention dips to my mouth. The hunger I read in his blue eyes makes a deep fervor start to spread throughout my body.

  My phone squawks on the counter, goes to voice mail, and immediately starts ringing again and again.

  Jacob’s standing so close, I can feel the small bursts of air against my face as he speaks, “You’d better get that.”

  I close my eyes and release a breath, trying to gather myself.

  Going against what my body wants, I break away from Jacob’s hold to pick up my phone. It’s Maya calling.

  “What?” I bark.

  “Shit, Jos. Don’t you ever answer your phone?” Maya’s voice is raised and rushing.

  “What do you want, My?” My impatience is apparent in my clipped tone.

  “You need to come home. The house is on fire,” she says in a shaky voice.

  “What?” I gasp, my hand flying to my chest.

  Now that I’m listening closer, I can hear a lot of commotion in the background of the connection. People are yelling, sirens are screaming in the distance, and a loud horn is blaring.

  Jacob’s head tilts to the side, and he rests his hand on my
arm.

  “The smell of smoke woke me up, and then the detector started going off. I called 911 immediately. I think it started in the basement.” She’s crying now.

  “Oh my God. Are you okay?” I turn and start to search for my purse and keys.

  “I’m okay.” She sniffles into the phone. “Your parents’ house, Jos…” she whispers.

  When my parents passed away, they left me the house, the only home I had ever known. Under that roof, I had figured out who I was and who I wanted to be, and now, it is in flames. I didn’t plan to live there forever, but knowing that the only thing I had left of the two people who’d created me is under attack, it fractured something dear inside me. My parents might not have been overly loving, but they did the best they could and were good to me.

  “I’m on my way.” I hang up. “Damn it!”

  “What’s wrong?” Jacob questions immediately.

  “My house is on fire.” I stop in my tracks once the news fully sinks in. I grab handfuls of my hair and gently pull. “My house is on fire. How is this happening? I have to go.”

  “I’ll come with you.” Jacob digs in his pockets for his keys.

  “You can’t. The kids.” I observe Jenna kicking her feet in her carrier.

  “Shit.” Digging in his pocket again, Jacob pulls out his phone. “I’ll call Juliana’s parents to come watch them.”

  “I can’t wait that long, Jacob. Maya needs me.” I wipe at the moisture tracking down my cheeks.

  “Then, go.” He tosses my keys to me. “I’ll be right behind you. You’re in shock, so be safe, Joslyn.”

  I don’t take the time to think about anything. I grab my purse and run out the door.

  CHAPTER 14

  * * *

  MAGIC CARPET

  The house wasn’t a complete loss, but it had significant fire and smoke damage. After hours and hours of standing around and responding to questions I didn’t have answers to, the firefighters told me and Maya that we couldn’t stay in the house. We also couldn’t enter it to retrieve anything that could be salvaged until after an investigation was conducted. All we had were our cell phones, purses, and the clothes on our backs.