My So-Called Perfect Life

by K. A. Berg

  I continue to pick the label of my cider. “Okay, what’s up?”

  “What do you have going on this Saturday?” he asks.

  I tap my finger on the bottle as I try to remember my schedule. “Nothing much, I don’t think.”

  He lights up. “Great. Will you come with me to this thing at my parents’ house?”

  I gulp. “Your parents? You want me to meet your parents?”

  Whoa. Ryan is not the meet-the-parents kind of guy. He likes to keep things casual. From what he’s told me, I doubt he’s brought any girl home. Ever.

  The gravity of the moment hits me like a piano falling from the sky in a cartoon. Is Ryan ready to take our relationship to a new level? Am I?

  My mind immediately goes to Scott’s family. I haven’t spoken to them since before the wedding. His mom called me a few times, but I never called her back. What would I say? Over the years, I had grown close to them. I was excited to become part of their family. For them to become the grandparents to my children. But Scott ruined that. I care about them and would like to still have a relationship with them, but I’m not sure how. It’s so damn messy.

  Am I ready to open a new can of worms with Ryan? What if I love them and we break up? Then I lose him and them. What if I hate them? What if they hate me? I’ve gotten along well with every boyfriend’s parents going back to high school. That streak is bound to end eventually. His parents could hate me. Would that come between me and Ryan? Can I deal with that?

  I take a long pull from the now warm cider, trying to calm the thought spirals going on inside my brain. I know this is a minor thing. Panicking about it is ridiculous, but it’s happening.

  I don’t know if I’m ready for another step forward. What Ryan and I have right now is going so great. We’re really comfortable together. It’s easy. Why complicate it?

  Ryan pulls another cider from behind the bar then pops the top. “From the way the color has just drained from your face, I’m going to take that as a no.”

  Shit! Now, because I’ve been staring at him for an eternity, gaping at him like a goldfish, he thinks that I don’t want to meet his parents. I’ve made him feel bad. I may not be ready, but I’m also not ready for that disappointed look on his face. Get it together, Danielle!

  “Of course, I want to meet your parents,” I lie like a dog on a rug in front of a fire. “I was just thinking about what I’d wear. You know, meeting the parents is a big deal.”

  He laughs. “This isn’t a big deal. Don’t stress. Wear whatever you want. It’s just this little thing for my grandparents.”

  Grandparents! There will be grandparents there too! Fabulous.

  I’m wracking my brain for something, anything to say that isn’t going to dig this hole deeper for myself when my phone rings. It’s my sister. When I answer, all I can hear is screeching.

  “Ams, slow down,” I tell her. “Are you okay? What’s happened?”

  “Where are you?” She asks, sounding like she drank an entire case of Red Bull.

  “Cohen’s. Why?”

  We’ll be there in ten minutes,” she shouts. “Don’t leave.”

  “I hadn’t planned on it but, okay,” I say before realizing she’s already hung up.

  I drop the phone down onto the bar. “That was weird. I hope everything is okay.”

  Roxy calls to Ryan from across the bar. “Can you change the Bud Lite Keg?”

  “Sure thing,” he replies. “I’ll be right back, then we can finish talking about Saturday. Seriously, it’s no big deal. It will actually be fun. I think you’ll love my parents.”

  I smile. “Of course, I will.” The second he turns his back, my smile falls, and I feel as though I’m going to puke.

  Something else must have caught his attention, because by the time I’ve finished my cider, he still hasn’t returned. I’m probably panic-drinking, so I may have downed it at a faster pace than normal. Amelia and Mercy arrive just as Roxy hands me a new bottle. They burst through the door like they are being chased by a group of brain-eating zombies. They sprint across the bar, jumping as though they’ve just won a car on “The Price is Right,” shrieking at a volume only dogs can hear.

  “Ohmigod!”

  “You’ll never guess what happened.”

  “I still can’t believe it.”

  I wave my hands in front of their faces. “I’ve been listening to screaming five-year-olds all day. My hysteria-to-English translator ran out of batteries. Can you slow down and calmly tell me what’s going on?”

  They glance between each other with a sparkle in their eyes and smiles so large, they look creepy.

  “We just won four tickets to the *NSYNC reunion concert Saturday.”

  No way. I must have heard them wrong. I tried to buy tickets to this concert a year ago and it sold out too quickly.

  I shake my head. “Don’t tease me, guys. That isn’t funny.”

  “No joke,” Amelia squeals.

  “You seriously won tickets?” I ask, still in disbelief.

  “Yup!” Mercy says, popping the P. “And you will never guess who’s going to make an appearance.” She spells the letter J then T in sign language.

  I gasp. “No way!”

  “Way!’ Amelia says with a smile.

  “You mean. . . JT? He’s going to . . . and we have tickets?”

  I shriek so loudly I’m amazed the glasses don’t shatter. The three of us jump up and down, screaming and hugging.

  “Hey, could you guys keep it down?” Simon, a Wednesday afternoon regular who works at the accounting firm across the street, shouts as us. “My ears are starting to bleed. Airhorns make less noise than the lot of you.”

  Amelia winces. “Whoops.”

  I clear my throat, now hoarse from screaming. “Sorry, Simon. We will tone it down.”

  Mercy points to me. “You might want to pull yourself together.” My blouse is untucked, and my hair has fallen out of its clip.

  I turn around to fix myself and spot Ryan pulling a handcart full of boxes of beer. Pulling my hair back into its clip, I run over to him. “You’ll never guess what happened!”

  “What?” he asks with a smile, clearly picking up on my enthusiasm.

  “Amelia and Mercy just won tickets to the *NSYNC concert on Saturday night! I’m so excited! I tried to get tickets and it was sold out. I looked at getting them second-hand but they’re so freaking expensive and I’m still paying down wedding debt,” I ramble on too excited to contain myself.

  He pulls the cart behind the bar. “What happened?”

  “They won tickets!” I call over my shoulder. “Merc, how did you get the tickets?”

  “The radio,” she calls back.

  “People still listen to the radio?” I ask. “Even with all the commercials?”

  “Yes, you snob!” Amelia says. “Not everyone listens to podcasts all the time! Real people listen to the radio.”

  “Well, whatever station that was is now my favorite station. I will listen to them all the time!” I shout back.

  Simon coughs loudly, clearly annoyed the drama hasn’t settled down.

  “Sorry Simon!” I wince at Ryan. “I swear, I will calm down. I’m just so jazzed! I’ve never seen them live before! And now I am. Saturday night! Can you believe it!”

  “Saturday night?” he asks. “This Saturday?”

  “Yes! It’s going to be A-mazing! There are rumors that JT may join them on stage!”

  “So… I guess we’re not going to my parents’ house then?”

  The expression on his face pops my balloon of excitement. Two seconds ago, I was flying high and now I deflate in front of him. “Oh Ryan, I’m sorry! We can go over there next weekend, right? This is just a once in a lifetime opportunity. You get it don’t you?”

  “Sure,” he says with a shrug. His words may say he understands, but he’s deflating as fast as I am. Clearly, he doesn’t get it at all.

  “I know it may seem like a stupid concert. It’s just a boy ba
nd from the nineties, but this is a big deal for me. It would be like you climbing a mountain or jumping off a cliff or one of the other crazy things you do. That’s your thing, and this is my thing.”

  He turns away from me and pulls six-packs from their boxes, then puts them in the fridge behind the bar. “I get it. I really wanted you to come with me. It’s my grandparents’ anniversary and—”

  Mercy screams, grabbing my attention. “Oh! My! God! We have backstage passes too!”

  I spin on the ball of my foot and run to Mercy. Screeching and hugging resumes. There’s a nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me to finish talking to Ryan. That whatever this was isn’t over. But, the *NSYNC excitement wins out. I’m sure he’ll get over it. It’s not like his parents are going anywhere. There will be plenty of other opportunities to meet them. There won’t be other opportunities to see an *NSYNC reunion.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Ryan

  The sound of Danielle’s laughter carries over all the noise in the bar as she enters with a few colleagues.

  “Doesn’t she have anything else to do?” Evan sighs. “Like grade papers or something?”

  She called about half an hour ago, letting me know the PTA meeting had finished and a few teachers wanted to come to Cohen’s for a drink.

  I may be pissed about how she acted last night but I still appreciate business.

  Danielle smiles timidly as she greets me at the bar, “Hi.”

  “Hey.”

  “Hi Evan,” She says. He ignores her so she adds, “As always it’s such a pleasure to see you.”

  He takes a sip of his beer before finally responding to her. “Because I’m cool like that. You, on the other hand, it’s like waiting on bated breath to see what trick you’re going to pull out of your hat next.”

  Danielle rolls with the punches. “You couldn’t handle my tricks, Evan.”

  I almost choke on my own saliva.

  Evan glares at her. “Spreading diseases isn’t a trick. It’s a health hazard. I just hope you don’t give Ryan something permanent before he’s through with this game of Russian Roulette he’s playing with his dick.”

  I see the sparkle in her eyes before she opens her mouth. Whatever she’s about to say is going to put Evan in his place. “I gave him Herpes for his birthday. He said it was the best gift ever. Best night of his life, I believe he called it.”

  Evan’s eyes bulge in surprise but it’s quickly replaced with disgust.

  “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you two and your insane fetishes but I’m walking away before it rubs off on me.” He stands from his stool and heads toward the back office mumbling, “Fucking weirdos” on his way.

  “How was the meeting?” I ask, refocusing my attention on Danielle.

  “Long,” she says, taking Evan’s seat. “The first one of the year is always long. We have new parents, and they have a lot of questions. I get it. It’s their children, but after a full day of school, having to go back for a two-hour meeting is rough. How’d things go today? Find any places you liked?”

  Evan has been taking me around, showing me available listings as he finds ones that fit what I’m looking for. “I think I’m still stuck on the first one he showed me back in July when this was all just an idea. But, unless their lease falls through, I’m out of luck on that one.”

  Things didn’t line up in time for me to get into the place Evan had thought was perfect for me. I didn’t want to jump into something before I was sure it made sense financially. By the time everything got worked out, the place was under contract.

  “You’ll know it when you see it,” she says, ever the optimist. “You’ll find a place even better than that one.”

  She fiddles with Evan’s empty beer bottle. “Listen, I know you’re probably still upset about last night.”

  I don’t want to hash this out at work. Or even at all right now. So, I stop her before she even gets started. “No worries. Like you said we can always reschedule.”

  “But you said something about a party—”

  She’s cut off as Brooke approaches the bar. “Hi Ryan.”

  “Hi Brooke.” I welcome the distraction. “What can I get for you guys?”

  “Can we have a pitcher of the draft IPA and two baskets of sliders?”

  “You got it.” I nod. “I’ll have Joel bring it over.”

  She smiles. “Thanks, Ryan.”

  Brooke shuffles off to the far corner of the bar, where the rest of the group sits, and I jerk my chin toward them. “Go, hang out with your friends. We’re okay.”

  She looks skeptical. “Are you sure?”

  “Positive.”

  I relay their drink order to Roxy and head back to Bob.

  “Bob,” I call out to my cook. “Can I get two baskets of sliders?”

  He nods. “Sure thing, boss.”

  There’s a plate in the window, so I grab it and deliver it to the bar just as another man joins Danielle’s group. I watch as she stands and greets the man with serious enthusiasm. The man looks delighted to see her as he wraps her in a big hug.

  “How the hell can you stand here and watch this?” Evan says, startling me as he comes back to sit at the bar. “And what’s with the Herpes for your birthday shit?

  “She was talking about keychains. We have this thing we do with keychains we buy on Amazon.”

  “The two of you are weird and make no sense,” he says, glancing back over his shoulder at Danielle. “She’s totally flirting and touching some guy and you’re letting it happen.”

  The last thing I need right now is Evan fueling the doubt fire in my head.

  “Knock it off. I’m not doing this with you again,” I scold. “She’s just saying hello.”

  I watch as she lays a hand on the new guy’s arm and laughs at what he said. When he winks at her and a blush blossoms on her face, I look away.

  “You know who else says hello with so much banter and touching? Hookers.”

  “You’re a moron,” Roxy interjects. “This is why you’re still single.”

  Evan’s kink might just be women who hate him because he gets a kick out of fucking with Roxy every chance he gets. “I’m single because I’m waiting for you, Rox.”

  “You’re going to die with your dick in your hand, waiting,” she retorts. “Because you’re an idiot who knows nothing about women. Like, right now, for instance. You’re so clueless that you can’t tell my hatred for you isn’t really foreplay for some grand night we’re going to spend together, and you also can’t see that she isn’t flirting. She’s being nice. Having a conversation.”

  “We’re having a conversation. Saying hello,” Evan points out. “There’s no touching going on.”

  “Because I’d beat you with the bat I keep stashed under the register if I even thought you were about to touch me,” she says. “Danielle, on the other hand, probably enjoys the company of those people—unlike me with you.”

  He glances back to the table where Danielle is engrossed in a conversation with Luke and the new guy, who just joined the group. “She’s enjoying it all right. A little too much if you ask me.”

  “No one asked you,” Roxy tells him. “Stop projecting your dislike for her onto Ryan. You’re a jackass, trying to cause problems.”

  “Enough,” I order. “Both of you, knock it off.”

  Evan takes a seat, his eyes still on Roxy as she walks away. “I brought a few listings to go over with you.”

  Topic change. Smart move. “Well, let me see them then.”

  Evan pulls some papers out of a folder in his hand that I didn’t even notice him holding and spreads them across the bar. “Okay, so this place”—he points to the first one—“isn’t an ideal location, according to your plan, but it’s big, and it has potential, so I figured I’d at least show it to you.”

  He continues on, explaining the details of each of the four properties. He’s right; I don’t like the location of the first one. The second one is a
little smaller than I’m looking for. The third one seems to be the best of them. It’s two thousand square feet, and the kitchen is already in working order.

  Danielle’s voice interrupts my thoughts on the fourth one as she squeals, “No way! Please tell me there’s a video.”

  Evan’s head snaps over to the table much the same way as mine. “Dude, she’s so disrespectful. She’s not even trying to hide the fact that she’s into some other guy in your bar.”

  Today might be the day Evan and I come to blows about this. How long is he going to harp on this shit? “You have no idea what they are talking about.”

  “Does it make a difference?” he asks. “Do you think she’d be cool with you chatting it up with some girl, all touchy-feely with the hugging she’s been doing?”

  “I trust her,” I lie through my teeth. Well, technically it isn’t a lie. It’s not that I don’t trust her, I just don’t understand our relationship at the moment which makes me doubtful.

  He slides the papers into a pile and places them back in the folder. “You shouldn’t. It’s been red flag after red flag, and you keep her around. Her pussy can’t be that good.”

  “Last warning,” I growl.

  It doesn’t matter that he’s my best friend; I’ll break his fucking nose if he mentions Danielle’s pussy again.

  “Don’t worry. I’m leaving.” He shakes his head.

  Roxy places her hand on my shoulder and leans in, speaking low so no one else hears, “Do not take advice on women and relationships from that jackass.”

  Danielle and her group finish up not too long after.

  She comes over to the bar and takes a seat. “Do you have our tab ready?”

  “No tab.” I say too pissed off to care.

  The people behind her—including Luke, Brooke, and the new guy—all protest.

  “That’s very generous of you, but please let us pay.” Luke says. Of course he has to be a stand-up guy.

  They each place bills into a pile on the bar and head toward the door. Danielle says good-bye to them without introducing me, and I try not to feel offended.

  My head is in a bad place right now.