by René, Dani
“That’s a shame.”
“Why?” I look up at him, his grin even wider, making his dimples even deeper. He’s cute. And I wonder if he’s trying to flirt with me. I’m not really well-versed in the normal mating rituals of teenagers. I want to laugh at my thoughts, knowing that if he were here, he’d make fun of me for even saying something like that.
“I just thought a girl so pretty shouldn’t be alone.” The boy shrugs. He doesn’t close the distance between us, which makes me feel comfortable talking to him. I don’t like it when people stand too close to me or try to invade my personal space; if that happened to me, I’d lose it.
“I don’t think that being pretty should be a reason to have friends.” I glance around, noting that nobody has moved to class yet, so I look back at him. “I think friendships should start because you want to make the person smile. To get to know the personality rather than be intrigued by looks.”
“Beauty and intelligence,” the stranger says, then laughs, and for a split second, I’m reminded of him. He said he’s in my piano class, but even though I try to place his face, I don’t remember seeing him. All I can do is smile at his words. I don’t know why I’m acting like this; I should be able to be nice to people. He pulls out something from his pocket, handing it to me. “It looks like you need this more than I do.”
I glance at the object, finding a candy bar in his hand. It’s not a Snickers bar, but still, my heart thuds against my ribs painfully. I’m taken back to the day I met my best friend, to the day I was so sad. I shared my lunch, and the next day, we shared a candy bar. The day I knew that boy would be forever in my heart.
“I . . . thank you,” I whisper, blinking back tears that burn my eyes. He looks so innocent watching me as I reach for the candy. His fingers brush along mine. It’s a tender touch, and my lungs give out. “I have to go.” I spin on my heel and race through the hallways.
Heartache takes hold of me as I glance at the clock sitting on the archway leading to the restrooms. I’m going to be late for class, but I can’t walk in there like this. I’m a mess.
I push open the door, find an empty stall, and lock myself inside. And the tears fall. I finally allow them to break free. The wrapper in my hand is soaked, the tears for the boy who reminded me of my past that I no longer have.
I can’t move on, even if that’s what the stranger was trying to insinuate. He didn’t overtly come out and tell me he likes me, but the way he flirted gave enough indication of it.
I am no longer a normal girl.
When I was a kid, I was always different.
When I was a teen, I was never the same.
And now that I’m in college, considered an adult because I’m over eighteen, I still feel like a stranger. I pull out my cell phone. Opening the photos, I scroll to one in particular. The smiling face of JD looks back at me. The memory of him being right there beside me is visceral.
I don’t know how much longer I can ignore the fact that I’m not whole at all. I grab some tissue. Blowing my nose and swiping at my tears, I breathe deeply, attempting to calm down.
When I pull open the stall door, a girl looking in the mirror smiles at me. She’s pretty, blonde with big blue eyes. The complete opposite of me. I always wondered why JD would be with me when girls like that looked at him, wanted him.
But then when he told me he loved me, I knew he didn’t see the outside; he loved the inside. Appearances fade. But if you connect on a deeper level, it makes a relationship so much more profound.
Without him here, I feel broken.
Fractured.
And I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.
Chapter Ten
Autumn
Even though we aren’t living in a penthouse, my mother made our home beautiful, comfortable. And even though I could never shop on Fifth Avenue, I knew that my life was full. Until I met him. Until I found fulfillment in my friendship with JD.
Days, weeks, and months all meld into each other. No messages, no letters. Nothing. It’s been difficult, but I’ve managed to get up in the morning, shower, and get dressed. Other than that, my time is being spent indoors. Even just the thought of going to the park makes me want to cry.
My mother’s been trying to console me, talking me through the broken heart, but somehow, her words only seem to make me more emotional. Each time she sits with me, I know she’s only trying to help, but it makes the pain worse.
All the photos of JD and me are scattered around my bedroom. Memories that seem so distant it feels as if it were lived by another person. And I’m only looking in from the outside. Perhaps I am. Maybe it truly was all in my mind.
Sighing, I push off the bed and pad into the living room. The sun streams through the patio doors, and I settle in the warmth of the sofa. I curl up and pick up a book, trying to get my mind off what’s happened. The only thing that’s even remotely kept me sane is singing. Losing myself in a song, I’ve been able to remember him and not break down since the first night he left.
I’ve watched his video so many times. And even now, as my eyes try to scan the words, to take in the story, I can’t. My mind isn’t focused on the here and now. It’s continuously living in the past, remembering things that were once happy memories, but now they only seem to hurt.
Setting the book down on the table, I lie still, looking at the fireplace where I remember sitting on the rug in front of the roaring flames with JD while we tried to roast marshmallows. My mother brought us warm cocoa while we ate the sticky sweet candy and laughed about how much snow we got caught in while we were trying to get home.
I was so cold that day. My feet felt like they were about to fall off from being frozen, but JD made me take my shoes off the moment we got home and sat me in front of the orange flames to defrost.
I think back to the moment I, without a doubt, knew I loved JD. And I can’t help but smile a teary grin.
“I can’t believe you did that,” I squeal as JD throws glitter all over my curls. Momma had done my hair for a show, and he thought it would be a good idea to ensure I look like a shimmering disco ball rather than a sophisticated woman.
Only I’m not a woman yet. I’m only seventeen. I’m still a girl. But I’m a girl in love with the boy in front of her. He doesn’t know. I can’t tell him, or I’ll ruin this—our friendship.
He stares down at me. The handsome face I’ve come to care for is painted with amusement. I roll my eyes in frustration, but I’m giggling, so he knows I’m not angry with him.
Over the years, I’ve only ever been angry with JD once. And it was only because I saw him flirting with another girl. And even then, he had no idea what I was feeling. I hid everything inside and smiled when he told me he was taking her to dinner.
The next day, I vowed I wouldn’t speak to him, but when he got to school, he told me she wasn’t at all fun to hang around with. JD’s dark eyes stare into mine as we stand in my bedroom. Me sparkling, him looking dashing as always.
“You look perfect,” he tells me as the corner of his mouth tilts upward.
“I’m a shining ball of glitter,” I bite out, but I’m grinning too. “You’re so frustrating, JD Montagu.”
JD steps up to me, his body so close I can feel the heat emanating from him. He cups my face gently, and my breath catches in my throat. I find it difficult to breathe as he looks down at me as if I’m the only person in the world to him.
He leans in, and I wait for it, holding my breath. He’s going to kiss me. It’s now or never, JD. But he doesn’t press his lips to mine like I expect him to. He merely brushes them along my cheek as he whispers, “But you’re my shining ball of glitter, songbird.”
I wanted nothing more than a kiss that day. But we waited. He waited. We took things slow because that’s what was best at the time. Now I wish we hadn’t waited. I wish I had told him how I felt when I still could.
I wish we had more time.
Sighing, I slip on my sneakers and throw on my hoodie. Ev
en though it’s not cold out yet, I figure if I’m out for a while, I may need to keep warm. Perhaps a walk will do me good. That’s what Momma always says. Being outdoors refreshes you, and at times, it works.
I can’t focus on my homework right now, so maybe Central Park will offer me some form of calm. I’ve been in the park a few times since he left, and each time it still reminds me of us. Holding his hand, laughing and joking, and the thought of having forever to find our happiness together.
The moment my feet hit the sidewalk, I head toward the station. Only a couple of stops before I’m at my destination. It’s not busy at the moment, and thankfully, I don’t get into the throng of office workers who are on their lunch break.
On the train, I take in the passengers, some with bags of shopping, others merely going about their day with earplugs in and music playing. The vibrancy of the city has always been a calling card. I love the diversity that fills the sidewalks, and even the tourists who visit are from all corners of the world.
Taking the steps two at a time, I find myself on the corner, looking out over the entrance to Central Park. With a smile on my face, I fake the happiness that’s evaded me for so long.
I take a left turn, making my way down the pavement to the small café JD and I would frequent. It’s busy today, almost nearing the lunch rush hour, but I sneak in and order my favorite latte and a bagel.
I grab my order, making my way out the café, leaving to find a quiet spot in the park. It’s the only place I can go to that reminds me of JD without breaking down.
I know the relationship he had with his father was volatile. His mother was no different, and that’s what made it so easy for him to spend time with me. We found solace in the friendship that blossomed. I was the girl without a dad, heartbroken and sad, and he was the boy whose parents never cared enough to ask him what he’d been up to. But now that I know his father knew about us, I have a feeling he had JD followed. Spying on him because he couldn’t control him.
I sit on a bench overlooking the families out for a walk as I eat my bagel. The cream cheese is delicious, and I find myself munching on the bread while smiling at the children playing with their boats on the water.
New York always held a certain appeal, the rush of commuters, the flock of tourists, but it was in these moments that I loved it most.
Until he left.
“Hi.” A voice startles me, and I almost drop my coffee when I look up. The face looking back at me is familiar. It’s the guy from school. He’s got the biggest blue eyes as they peer down at me.
“Hi.” My voice comes out croaky as I speak.
“Do you mind if I sit down?” he asks with a smile, lifting the coffee and bagel he’s carrying.
“Sure.” He grins wider before settling down beside me, and I listen to the crinkle of the wrapper of his food. Silence settles around me once more, but every now and then I become aware of the stranger’s presence beside me.
“I’m Keenan,” he tells me. His gaze flicking over me before he sips his coffee. I don’t know why he’s talking to me. Boys rarely paid me any attention, and right now, I’m not in the mood to get hit on.
“Autumn.”
“You come here often?” he asks, then chuckles at the cheesy pick-up line. “Sorry, I get nervous around pretty girls.” As handsome as he is, I can’t find it in my heart to give him the time of day. Tears brim on my lashes, threatening to give away just how broken I am. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
The alarm in his voice makes me sit back and breathe deeply. “It’s not you.” I turn away, not wanting to see his face anymore, to see the pity clearly creased on his expression.
“Whatever it is, I think you should smile. You’re far prettier when you smile.” His voice lowers, and a cold awareness trickles through me. Something feels off. “I’d like to take you out. Perhaps just to a club where you can sing,” he whispers, causing my body to lock with anxiety and shock.
“What?” My head turns to his, my stare locked on his blue eyes. How would he even know about me singing at a club? Granted, we’re in school together, and I’m sure he’s heard me sing there, but I’ve never once talked about my life outside of the school buildings with anyone.
“Think about it. You never know what could happen.” The stranger, Keenan, rises and heads away, but I can’t run after him. I’m frozen to the bench in fear as he makes his way through a busload of tourists, and soon enough, he’s gone.
I don’t know what he meant, but the fear that’s coursing through me has me pushing from the bench as I race through the park. It’s difficult because of all the people who seem to overtake the greenery, but I make it by them.
My feet carry me quickly out onto a sidewalk. There aren’t any people following because I keep turning around to check. My gaze darts left and right, my heart thrumming in my chest, attacking my ribs at an alarming rate.
The traffic is nonstop. There are people in suits going about their day, and holidaymakers snapping photos around me. Nobody seems to notice that I’m close to having a panic attack.
I dart left, making it to the crossing and over to the other side of the road. I don’t know why I’m still nervous, even though Keenan is no longer around, but I have a feeling he wasn’t alone. And that’s what scares me.
If he found me, others could too.
I’m too far from home to run.
Tears brim my lashes, making everything in front of me blurry. I move quickly as I make it to the subway, but the moment I step foot on the stairs going down, I feel it. Heaviness surrounding me. I can’t scream because drowsiness overtakes me, and I know I’ve messed up.
Breathing becomes difficult as arms wrap around my middle. I can’t hear over the noise in my ears. It’s the lunch rush, and nobody is taking notice of me.
I feel as if I’m drunk, lazily grabbing at something, but I can’t focus. The arms tighten, my body goes lax, and then darkness takes over.
Chapter Eleven
JD
My body aches all over. Training has been hard on me. I’ve never worked so hard, so brutally, and I don’t know if I’ll even be able to finish everything I set out to do here.
I would like to be proud of what I’ve achieved, even though I don’t give a shit what my father thinks. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her, but it hasn’t stopped my fear from manifesting with each passing day. A fear that’s taken hold of me and left me sleepless most nights.
The fear that she’s going to forget me.
All I’ve thought about is Autumn. I can’t call her. We’re not allowed cell phones out here, and even if I could get to our satellite phone, I know my father will find out I’ve made contact with her.
I don’t know why he’s so adamant that I can’t speak to her. I know he wouldn’t agree with our friendship, but to push us apart like this has become painful.
It’s like going cold turkey, and I’m struggling. Each day is worse than the last. I want to leave, to walk out, but I’m focused, I need to complete this to show my father I’ve done his bidding, and he can release me from this shitshow. Even though I should’ve given up a long time ago, I want to see it through.
As much as I wanted to leave, I’ve been giving the training my all. My focus is a tunnel to the end. I know once this is all over, and it’s out of the way, I’ll be stronger for it. And I know my girl will be waiting on the other side.
Grim’s not here today; he’s out training, which has given me time to think. To consider what I’m going to do once I see my father and tell him I’m done. Over the past six months, I've become more certain about what I want. Her. If my father’s reasoning behind this was to make me see she wasn’t for me, then he did himself a disservice because he’s only solidified my feelings. I don’t want this life. I’ve had it, and it’s not for me.
The moment I step foot off the plane at John F. Kennedy, I’m going to call Jackson and speak to him. I know I’ll be an asset to Cole Security, and I’m going to make sure he kno
ws it.
After completing my training, I’m certain he will hire me. Once I’ve secured a job, I’ll be able to give Autumn the life she deserves. And I’ll hopefully be able to prove to her mother that I’m here to stay.
My chest aches. The memories haunt me here more than they would if I were at home. I’m too far to keep her safe. Leaning my head against the wall, I stare at the emptiness of the group sleeping quarters. In a few hours, I’ll need to be alert for the next part of the training, but I’m not in it one hundred percent.
My focus is fucked. I push off the bed and head out into the shared galley, hoping to find some form of caffeine. Living like this has been eye-opening. I got so used to being in our pristine home where everything was done for me, but being here has proved to me that I’m capable of living without my father’s money, and without the comforts I’d gotten used to.
I don’t need the wealth that comes with being a Montagu. It’s the one thing he’s held over my head. As much as I know it would be great to have my inheritance to buy a house for Autumn and me, I’m not going to be his lapdog anymore.
It’s my life, and if he can’t accept it, then he may as well disown me. I know my father works for the government, going undercover. And I know he’s capable of making my life hell if he wants to. He has connections, and all I have is the love of a girl.
I wish we had a coffee machine, but the setup is basic at best. Water. We’re allowed some good old H2O if we’re thirsty, and coffee with breakfast.
I miss my freedom. But more so, I miss my girl. I don’t know how much longer I can stay out here without hearing her voice or seeing her smile.
“Hey man,” Grim grunts as he enters the galley, he’s already showered. It’s not yet six, but soon enough, we’ll all have to be ready for what the day ahead has in store for us.