Only Mostly Devastated

by Sophie Gonzales

Three heads turned back to me, and the stage person swiveled the spotlight right on my face. Juliette circled a hand in midair. “Yeesss?”

  “I did meet someone,” I said. “And … yeah, some things did happen. Um …”

  “Someone? Guy or girl or … ?” Juliette interrupted.

  Well. So much for tiptoeing around pronouns. I’d known I’d have to “come out” here sooner or later, if you could call it coming out when I’d been out for years. But I’d already gone through all that awkwardness back home. I kind of felt like I’d paid my dues, you know? Also, notably, Collinswood, North Carolina, was possibly a tad higher difficulty level on the coming-out spectrum than San Jose. I’d hoped it’d happen more organically, like people would kind of figure it out, and we’d all just know and act like it was normal, because it was normal for me, and we could skip off into the sunset with zero interrogations.

  And yet.

  “Guy,” I said finally. Weirdly, it was hard to make my mouth form the word. After all these years being comfortable and confident in myself back home, I felt fourteen again. And I did not appreciate it.

  Juliette nodded like she’d expected it. Niamh raised her eyebrows and tilted her head, as though she’d spotted a rare bird or something. Lara blinked, and made a lemon-sucking face. Well fine. Screw her. I didn’t particularly care about her approval anyway, so.

  After a slight pause that came close to uncomfortable, Niamh and Juliette spoke up at the same time.

  “What’s his name?”

  “Do you have a picture?”

  I hesitated, then figured why not? I flicked through his Instagram—for such a hot guy, his pictures sure didn’t do him justice—until I found a photo that was acceptable. I held the phone out to Juliette, and Lara leaned over to peek. I wished she wouldn’t, but I couldn’t exactly ask her to keep her nose out of it, could I? “His name’s Will,” I said.

  Juliette and Lara made identical taken-aback expressions. “I know,” I said. “He’s out of my league, right?”

  “Don’t knock yourself,” Niamh chided, holding her hand out to see. Juliette passed it to her silently. Niamh checked the photo, then turned it back around to Juliette. “Wait, Will—”

  “He’s all right,” Lara interrupted, holding up a hand, all traces of lemon lips vanished. “And have you told Prince Charming you’re staying south?”

  Good question. “Uh … well … he hasn’t posted anything in a while, so I’m not sure he saw,” I faltered. No need to go into the painful details of how many texts he’d left unanswered. “The move happened pretty quickly.”

  “Oh? So he doesn’t know you’re here?” Lara asked.

  I had no idea what her angle was, but it was clear from her tone—and Juliette’s sideways glance at her—that she wasn’t asking out of empathy. Probably to rub in that I’d been rejected. Which was the case, let’s be honest. Who disappears off social media with no warning for two solid weeks? He’d probably blocked me from seeing his new posts. What happens at the lake stays at the lake, right?

  “Well … no,” I said. So much for hiding the “he’s ignoring me” thing. “I mean, there could be a good reason he’s gone quiet. He didn’t really seem like a player, you know? He was really sweet. And I actually … kind of … don’t know where he lives, exactly. He told me once, but I’ve forgotten.”

  Juliette and Niamh exchanged glances with Lara, then they offered me weak smiles. “Who knows?” Juliette said. “He could totally have a reason.”

  She wasn’t convincing. Eurgh, was it that obvious? And here I’d been holding out some hope it wasn’t personal. But of course it was. A guy like that wouldn’t go for someone like me in real life. I guess I was probably just the best option he had available at the time.

  After watching my face as I got more and more dejected, Lara jumped in and changed the topic. Which was nice of her. Maybe I’d judged her too quickly. “Anyway, Ollie, has anyone told you about the party at Rachel’s tonight?”

  “I don’t even know who Rachel is, so, nope.”

  “It’s our back-to-school-bash thing. You should come with us,” Juliette said, clapping once. “We’re getting ready at my place after dinner. Can you get there around seven?”

  I thought about it. On a Tuesday? I got that it was the first day of school, but really? It’d take a lot of bribery on my part to get permission. Assuming no one needed me for babysitting. I could deal with that if it came up, though. I knew what happened if you turned down your first invitation at a new school: you never got a second one. I’d seen it happen a few times to kids back home. If I could help it, it wouldn’t happen to me. “Yeah, sure. Text me your address.”

  With that, we hastily exchanged numbers. Then the bell was ringing, and Juliette was dragging me by the wrist to my first class. It seemed I was adopted into the rose-necklace group. Provisionally at least. I’d far from nailed my first impression, but apparently it hadn’t been a total fail.

  Good. This was good. Homeroom: achievement unlocked. The hardest part was over. It’d be all downhill from here. I could feel it.

  3

  I buried my toes in the sand while the kids played in the shallows. It was one of those days where it was so warm the horizon seemed wavy and distorted. The sky was a darker, richer blue than usual, contrasting starkly against the fir-covered hills across the lake.

  A shadow to my right told me I wasn’t alone. Not that I was strictly alone to begin with—there were at least forty others scattered around, bobbing in the water, lounging on beach towels, perched at picnic benches. But none of them noticed me.

  Will sat down beside me, staring out at the lake as he did. Today he wore dark denim shorts and a crisp white V-neck that made his warm skin seem even deeper. “Those kids yours?” he asked, without glancing at me. He was being cute. I kind of loved it.

  “Nope. Never seen them in my life,” I joked.

  “Oh. Excellent. Shall we go somewhere a bit more private, then?”

  I bumped my shoulder against his, grinning. “Wish I could. I’m on duty ’til at least two or three, though.”

  He kicked off his shoes and settled in. “Good thing I’ve cleared my calendar for the day.”

  I brightened. “Yeah? Don’t you have that buffet tonight?”

  “Technically, I do. But I thought about it, and realized I’d rather hang with you. Hope you don’t mind me imposing.”

  There they were again. The familiar butterflies. They spent a lot of time fluttering around lately. “Well, it’s a bit of an inconvenience.”

  “You’ll forgive me for it eventually.”

  Crista noticed him first, and she sprinted out of the water, with Dylan toddling closely behind her. “Will! Will, you missed me before, I did a handstand.”

  “A handstand? Now I’m impressed. Do you think you could do it again?”

  I may have slipped into the dinner conversation that I was super late for school after they forced me to stop for breakfast. Just to amp up the likelihood I’d get a yes and escape the house tonight. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have been guilting my parents when they had tried to do something nice for me, but I was desperate. It worked like a charm, too. After graciously forgiving them, I brought up the party in a casual tone, and the next thing I knew they’d said yes— with the caveat that Mom had to drop me off and pick me up. It was a family rule for any event that might have alcohol around somewhere, in case I made Bad Choices.

  I ended up at Juliette’s at seven-thirty. There was something about this town. Everyone seemed to live in semi-mansions. At least, compared to my suburb back home. It was like no one here had ever heard of a single-storey house.

  Juliette’s mom steered me straight upstairs.

  “I am so sorry you had to see the house like this. Usually we have it much neater, but Juliette thought she would wait until we got home from work to ask if she could have friends over.”

  I’d seen messier hotel rooms ready for check-in. I tried hard to locate the “mess”
on my way upstairs, like a real-life game of Where’s Waldo? One of the trimmed pillows on the couch looked like it was a bit crooked. That might have been it.

  Juliette’s room, on the other hand, was what you could call messy. Could probably call it trashed, even. The floor— at least, I think there was a floor, it was hard to tell—was covered in no fewer than three layers of clothing. Juliette was wandering around her room in a bra and a denim skirt, digging through the floordrobe. Presumably for a shirt. She didn’t seem bothered when she noticed me walk in, either. What was it with girls and boundaries when it came to guys they knew were gay? I mean, Jesus, I’d just met her, and now I knew she had a mole sitting right under her left bra cup. Was I the only one who thought that was kind of weird? Really?

  Niamh and Lara sat crossed-l egged on the king-sized bed. On the bedside table a half-empty bottle of soda stood beside a Minnie Mouse lamp. Lara was still in her outfit from school, but Niamh had changed into a black romper. Significantly more glamorous than the workout gear she’d worn all day. Both girls looked up as I came in; then, with a relieved sigh, Niamh fished a vodka bottle out from beneath Juliette’s pillow. I guessed they’d thought I was Juliette’s mom.

  Niamh patted the bed next to her with one hand, refilling her drink with the other. “Ollie-oop! You made it.”

  Guess that nickname was sticking. Joy.

  Juliette clapped her hands, retrieved a metallic silver shirt from the chaos, and turned to me. “Hey you. I’ll grab you a glass. You can share our vodka.”

  “Or drink it straight,” Lara added, swirling her soda around the glass. “You might need a stiff drink before tonight.”

  What was that supposed to mean? I considered calling her out on it, but I decided to play nice for a while longer. No use making enemies in the only group I had right now. “Actually, I’m okay for now, thanks.”

  Lara rolled her eyes back so only the whites were visible. “Let me guess. You don’t drink?”

  “Not often,” I said airily. And by that, I meant “never.” Back in San Jose, my friends were mostly straight edge. It was cooler not to drink in our circle. I couldn’t think of a way to say that without sounding like a pretentious douche bag, though, so I left it.

  Lara raised her glass. “Then let tonight be one of the special occasions.”

  I smiled with my lips. “No, thank you.”

  Niamh looked between us nervously. Lara blinked at me, then took a deep gulp of her own drink. “Whatever, dude. Chill. Take it you, uh, don’t smoke, either? What are your views on swearing and premarital sex, pray tell?”

  I was saved from responding by Juliette, who shook her head, hopped over the nearest clothing pile, and sprayed perfume all over herself like it was deodorant. If her scent goal for the night was to turn into a walking asthma hazard, she was nailing it. “No smoking tonight, unfortunately,” she said. “Mom’s been catching on, open windows or not.”

  Niamh threw herself back on the bed and kicked her legs in the air in a kind of yoga-protest. I watched her, then glanced back to Lara in time to catch her gesturing to me while pulling an “is he for real?” face at Juliette.

  Lara didn’t realize I noticed her. Juliette did, though. She chewed the inside of her lip, but didn’t try to defend me. Which was fair, I guessed. She’d only just met me. Why should she go into battle on my behalf? Still. It didn’t do wonders for my comfort levels. I’d better start practicing mindfulness real fast, or I might do something rash, like fake salmonella poisoning and bail. But then I’d have wasted all that emotional blackmail on my parents, and ruined my chances at fitting in with a group. Even if it was a group that was maybe a little too edgy for me. It was better than being alone.

  I spent a solid twenty or so seconds thinking over all of the above. And by that, I mean I spent a solid twenty or so seconds sitting in silence, staring ahead mindfully. My brain had officially gone on strike. I think I might have been panicking.

  Finally, a topic came to me. “Did you do that on purpose? Rose-gold roses?”

  Juliette unclasped her chain and held it out to examine it. “Huh. I didn’t even think of that. Rose gold.”

  “Double the rose power,” Niamh said. “Even better.”

  “What do they stand for?” I asked.

  “Female strength,” Juliette said. “It was the symbol of Venus.”

  “Not love?” I asked.

  “Who needs love when you can have passion?” Lara said. She brought the chain up over her jaw and clenched the metal between her teeth.

  “I like them,” I said.

  “Too bad they don’t sell them anymore,” Lara said. “Limited edition, you know? That’s why we don’t let new girls into the group. It’d ruin the theme.”

  Before I spent too long floundering for a response, Juliette jumped in. “Hey, finish your drinks now anyway, guys. We should probably head over soon.”

  The house was an anthill. Everyone at the party seemed to know each other—everywhere I looked was arm-clapping, and lip-reading from across the room, and people putting silent hexes on each other with angry, narrowed eyes. The temperature soared by at least twenty degrees as soon as we walked into the living room, and the air smelled like warm beer and Axe body spray.

  Lara had to shout to make herself heard over the music. “I’m gonna go scout.”

  With that she was off. To scout for guys, I guessed? Or alcohol? Juliette hesitated, then held a finger up in a “one second” gesture. “I’m going with her. We won’t be long.”

  And then there were two. Niamh and I glanced at each other, basking in the awkwardness. How did you start a conversation again? I was about to settle for so, you like stuff? when she saved me the severe embarrassment by speaking first. “I know we’re only at the start of the year, but what are your plans for after school? Got any colleges in mind?”

  A group of guys pushed past me to get to the front door, and we moved to the wall to get out of the way. “Not really. I’m not even sure if I want to go to college. I was hoping to figure that out sometime this year. How about you?”

  Niamh brightened. Something told me she’d had this answer ready for some time. “Actually, college is my backup. Ideally, I’ll move to New York and get into modeling.”

  “Oh, seriously?”

  “Yup. There’s an agent up there who’s pretty interested in some of my pictures, so I’m hoping to build my portfolio a bit and go for it.”

  “That’s awesome. You could have a real shot, too. You’re crazy pretty.”

  Niamh glowed, and shrugged. “Well, obviously we don’t have to beat around the bush, I’d be doing plus-sized modeling.”

  “I’m not beating around any bushes. You are crazy pretty.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You have the thickest eyelashes I’ve ever seen. Like, are they false?”

  Niamh laughed. “Nope!”

  “If I was a girl I would want to look like you. Your hair.”

  “Oh … you’re laying it on a bit thick, now.” Niamh grinned, but it was an uncomfortable one.

  “Yeah, no, sorry. That’s fair. I, uh … I’ll stop.”

  I’d been doing well for a second there, too. A part of me suddenly understood why people drank at parties. It wasn’t to have fun. It was to forget how much of an idiot they made of themselves.

  Niamh shifted, and then shook her head. “Come on, let’s go find the girls. Lara’s probably getting into trouble.”

  “What kind of trouble?” I asked, following after her as she stalked into the backyard, which was as crowded as the house.

  At least the music was muted out here, and there was fresh air.

  “Oh, you know. Just trouble. Teasing boys, mostly.”

  We squeezed past four or five groups, then I caught sight of Juliette’s hair through the crowd. Lara was next to her, talking to a group of guys in black-and-white letterman jackets standing in front of a wooden panel fence.

  Then one of the letterman guys caught my eye
. A letterman guy with dark hair in a deep side part, a freckled nose, and high cheekbones. A letterman guy I knew.

  The world fell silent.

  It was him.

  Will.

  Will Will.

  My Will.

  We stared at each other in dumb shock. It was hard to tell which of us was the deer, and which was the headlight.

  He spoke first. Which was excellent, because I wasn’t sure if I should be thrilled or accusatory. “Holy shit, Ollie! What are you doing here?” He looked dumbfounded, but it was a happy kind of dumbfounded. That’s all it took for all my doubts to disappear. Of course he wasn’t ignoring me. This was Will we were talking about.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, before realizing that at least this was supposed to be his state. It was significantly weirder for me to be here than him. “You didn’t say you lived in Collinswood. You said it was something else, starting with M, right? Or L?”

  “Napier. I live in Napier. It’s twenty minutes out of Collinswood,” Will said. “I go to school here. Ollie, why aren’t you in California? You’re so ridiculous!”

  He was grinning. Beaming, really. A cheekbone-shattering kind of smile. A viral-epidemic kind of smile. Infectious-as-hell. All of the misery from the last couple of weeks, every bit of it, was gone. Like it’d never been there.

  “My parents thought they’d move us over to help out with Aunt Linda. She lives here. In Collinswood.”

  “You never mentioned that.”

  “Didn’t I? Well, she does. So do I now, I guess.”

  “Oh my God, Ollie-oop, how awesome is that?” Lara cut in, her voice way too perky to be sincere. Will and I looked at her as one. I’d forgotten she was there until that moment. I’d forgotten anyone other than Will was there. “What are the odds? Will, Ollie was telling us all about his summer this morning.”

  Will’s smile dropped, and so did my stomach. He wasn’t out to his parents. God only knew that meant he probably wasn’t out here, either. Or at least, he hadn’t been. Until I’d opened my mouth. I didn’t know these girls from Abraham Lincoln. For all I knew, they’d already made a group chat for half the grade about Will and me. Uh-oh.