by Lexi Wilson
I was seized by his words, and I heard the hurt in his voice as he recalled the things he had seen. I thought about telling him that he didn’t have to continue, but I thought that we both needed this and I let him continue.
“I didn’t know what to do or how to help her, and I thought about taking her back to the city with me but luckily some aid workers found us first, and they took her. I don't know what happened to her after that, but I do know that I couldn't stop thinking about Hannah in that little girl’s place. When I got back to my hotel, I got the phone call from Stephen that they wanted me in Syria. I called Hannah on Skype before I left. Do you remember?”
“I remember,” I told him. “I avoided the screen; I didn’t want to see you. I was still mad at you for leaving.”
“After I got captured, I was pretty mad at me too for leaving.” His admission gave me pause. It was the first time I had ever heard Brett indicate that he regretted taking any assignment. It also made my heart flutter a little, wondering what exactly that meant.
“What happened that day in Syria?”
He took a deep breath and his eyes closed for a moment before he opened them and began to speak again. “I went out with the team almost as soon as I got to base, and we went to a refugee camp that had been attacked. The team was on a rescue and recovery mission, and I was there to document it. While we were there, I stopped to take in my surroundings, and the scope of the destruction really hit me. I came across a mother, her body covering her child, trying to shield her, but it did no good; they were both dead. That was the gut punch moment for me, thinking that that could have just as easily been you and Hannah. It all became so real, and I stopped to pray. That’s when I met Watts.”
“The soldier that came back to rescue you?”
“Yep. He has kids too, and we were talking, and he said something about his wife carrying on at home without him, and how she was the truly brave one, raising their kids while he was gone to parts unknown where they might only get to speak every few days on spotty connections. What he said, those words, they hit me. It helped put it all in perspective for me. I started to think about cutting my time short and coming home. And then we were captured. From then on, all I could think about was getting home to you and Hannah and making things right.”
He had told me before that Hannah and I were the reason he got through things over there but hearing him describe it now, I was sure of the sincerity. It didn’t change how screwed up everything was between us though, and our biggest problem now was my intentional misrepresentation to him about the baby. How could we come back from that? “This is such a mess, Brett,” I told him.
“I know, but we can work it out, Evie.”
“Can we? What if this is all too much to come back from?”
A silence fell over us. I didn't have any idea what to say next or where to go. It all felt so overwhelming, and I really wanted to ask him to leave so I wouldn't have to deal with it, but I knew I couldn't do that. I had to stop running from our problems. They had to be faced and dealt with head on, no matter what the outcome. Before I could say anything, though Brett spoke again.
“I think anything is possible, Evie. It won’t be easy, and it will take work, but we have that in us. But we have to talk about this.”
I felt my breath catch, and my heart began to race. I shifted away from Brett, wanting to avoid what was coming next even though I knew that it was something and that it could no longer be avoided. He touched my hand and then wrapped his fingers around mine. The comforting warmth of his touch spread through me, and Brett smiled at me.
“Do you know what you’re having?” he asked softly. I nodded. “Is it a boy or a girl, Evie?”
“It’s a boy. We’re having a son.”
He half smiled in response. “Are you excited?”
“I’m terrified,” I admitted. It was the first time I had verbalized that out loud.
Brett nodded. “Are you terrified because your conscious is guilting you for keeping this from me?” he asked harshly. “For being...well, for being kind of a bitch if I’m honest.”
I sat back in surprise. We had never used such words towards each other in our marriage, not even when our fighting was at its worst. “You’ve changed, Brett,” I told him, pulling my hand away from his.
“No, you’ve changed, Evie. Keeping my child a secret from me? That was pretty low.”
“You’re right. It was wrong, and stupid, and I am sorry that I didn’t tell you before. I messed up, and I am willing to own that.”
“But? Because I hear a but coming next.” His voice was cold, and I pulled together every bit of strength I could muster as I stared back at him.
“It’s not a but as much as an I want you to know where I was and why I did it. You need to understand that ending our marriage was not something I entered into lightly. I felt alone, and when I tried to talk to you about how I felt, we always ended up fighting. It hurt that we had gotten to that point and I was at a loss for any way to fix things, so I only saw one viable option. When I finally worked up the courage to tell you that I wanted a divorce, and you said you wanted to fight for us, it gave me a small morsel of hope. I thought maybe you were seeing things, even just the tiniest bit, from my perspective finally. But then you went back out on a last-minute assignment again, and nothing changed. We didn't go see Pastor Pat, we didn't try to work on anything, and I felt lied to and let down again. I’d had more heartache and disappointment than I could take. That’s when I finally made you sign the divorce papers. It was never where I thought we would end up. Ever. I loved you Brett, with my everything, but I wasn’t feeling that love being returned anymore.
“When you got captured, no one knew if we’d ever see you again. I had to live with that. I had to live with the stares and the whispers of everyone and the knowledge that our marriage fell apart around us, and that we were divorced, and that made feel like the worst person alive. I was scared for you, and I was scared for our daughter. It was hard, Brett. It was my worst fear realized. When I found out I was pregnant, I had no idea what to do. We were divorced, you were a prisoner of war; it was messed up. And then you came back, and I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around you because you were safe. But, I didn’t know if this would be like every other close call in your career where you would suit up and head back out, leaving me to worry and wonder if this was going to be the time when something even worse happened. I couldn’t deal with it all. I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing, and I didn’t tell you. I thought about it, but one day turned into a week, and before I knew it, so much time had passed, I didn’t know how to tell you. I should have told you, but deep down, part of me still wasn’t convinced you wouldn’t just take off on another assignment and be gone again and you wouldn’t care.”
He sat back, and I could tell that he was contemplating my words. I hadn’t been so honest with Brett in months, and the tears stung my eyes just before they slipped down my cheeks. It was cathartic to share these words with him, ones I had kept bottled up for so long. Too long.
“Don’t cry, Evie,” he finally said, the harsh tone replaced with softness. He reached his hand up and dabbed at my tears with his thumb. “I didn’t see things from your perspective for a long time, not until I had nothing but time in Syria. I do understand where you were coming from now, I do. I know I do because I regret the things I missed out on, but I still think you don’t see it from my side though. This was my passion, and you knew that. In fact, you encouraged it.”
“Yes, I did. I just never thought it would consume you the way it did.”
“But you knew how passionately I felt about this as a career. You knew I was working. It felt like you didn't understand that anymore, that you expected me to drop my career and just stop. That wasn’t what was going to happen.”
“It seems neither of us were willing to compromise and try to see things from the other’s perspective,” I admitted. “And I’m sorry you ever thought I wanted you to just
quit. I didn’t. I just wanted you to give to Hannah and me as much as you were giving your job.”
“I'm sorry I made you feel like you and Hannah weren’t as important to me as my work. Looking back, I know I worked too much and didn’t take enough time to stop and smell the roses. I can’t go back and change that now though. I can only be better going forward. I’m still feeling hurt though. I’m hurt that you didn’t consider my feelings, that you let me believe you were involved with someone else, that you were carrying someone else's child when it was mine all along. I don’t know how to get past the hurt, Evie. I want to. I just don’t know how.”
“I'm sorry, Brett,” I said as tears streamed down my face. There were tears in his eyes too as he pulled me into his arms and just held me. He stroked my hair as I repeated my apology. The silence surrounded us for several minutes until Brett finally pulled away from me.
“I should probably get going.”
“You haven’t had lunch yet; you should stay.”
“No, I think we both have a lot we need to think about, and it’s better if I go. Is it okay for me to leave Hannah with you early?”
“Yes...but,” I started.
He cut me off. “Evie,” he said firmly. “I need time, and I think you do too. We have to find some sort of common ground, and we have to heal our hearts and let go of our anger from what happened in our past. We are going to go forward from here, and you aren't going to keep me from anything else that pertains to this little boy. We’ll figure out how I’ll be a part of his life later. For now, we just need to get through the rest of this pregnancy with the ninja who has you craving pineapple.”
“Pineapple,” I replied with mock disgust. We both laughed, and the heavy emotional cloud that had been settled over us eased as Brett stood from the couch.
“I’m gonna go tell Hannah bye. We’ll talk soon.”
“Okay,” I agreed as I stood as well.
He leaned in and hugged me again, kissing my forehead before he headed to Hannah’s room. I sank back onto the couch when he left the room and tried to gather my thoughts. We had said a lot to each other, and there was plenty of emotional baggage to unpack for both of us. Brett obviously wanted to move forward, and in my heart, I thought I wanted that too, but letting go of the hurt was easier said than done for me as much, as I imagined it was for him.
After my parents left an hour later, and with Hannah settled in with a movie, I picked up my phone to call Matthew. I need to rehash my conversation with Brett with someone, and there wasn't anyone else I trusted with the knowledge.
“Hey, Evie, how's it going?”
I sighed. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“Let’s start with something simple; how was lunch with your parents and Brett?”
“Lunch with my parents was fine save for their grilling me about what’s going on with Brett and I. Brett didn’t stay for lunch though.”
“Why not? You didn't kick him out, did you?”
“No, I did not kick him out.”
“Okay, good. So, you talked then?”
“Yeah; it was...it was weird I guess. We both said things we’ve never said to each other before and that was hard to hear, but I think we understand each other’s perspective of what went wrong better now. I mean, I see his side better now at least.”
“Do you think he gets where you were coming from now too?”
“He said he does, that he thought about it a lot during his capture, and I believe him. He told me about some things he saw in the days and hours before they were ambushed that started to put things in perspective for him and once he was captured, he just had time to think about it all. He said he wants to be better now, and I want that. I want us both to be better.”
“I'm really glad to hear you say that, Evie.”
“Even though we both said some things today, I still found myself comforted by just being with him. Like maybe despite all of it we might be able to come out on the other side better. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, I think I understand what you mean.”
“He hugged me, and I didn't want him to let go.”
“And he didn’t stay for lunch?”
“No, he said we had both said a lot of things, and we needed to be able to think about it. We have to heal to go forward and stop looking back.”
“Do you want that? Can you stop comparing everything to the Brett you knew and rediscover him anew?”
“I think I want that. I just don’t know how to let go.”
“You’ll wake up one day, Evie, and take that first breath of the day, you’ll let it out, and it’ll be gone. Don’t look for it because you won’t find the answer. Don’t try to force it; it will just happen in its own time.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Hey, you took the hardest step already by telling him about the baby, I’m proud of you. Everything else from here will be easier.”
“Fingers crossed.”
“You don't need luck, Evie; you have love on your side.”
Chapter 27
Brett
The following day I awoke with a heavy heart. I had replayed my conversation with Evie over and over in my head, and despite being the one to have said that we needed to let go of our anger to move on, I couldn’t just let it go. I wanted to, but I was having a tough time finding the ability to do so. It hurt that Evie had let me think that Matthew was the father of her baby, that she let me think that for a month. It did help to hear her explain herself and I understood where she was coming from, but it still didn't change the hurt.
In an attempt to get my mind off everything that happened, I ended up swimming laps in the pool. It was chilly outside, but the temperature of the water was perfect as I swam. Swimming laps was the best way for me to destress and when I finally climbed out of the pool and went back inside my little house forty-five minutes later, I was feeling a little less angry with the whole situation. I hadn't let everything go yet, but I could feel myself being more willing to move forward. Hearing Evie verbalize her feelings made me confront my part in causing them, and I hoped her hearing my side had done the same for her. In the end, I was just glad that she had now told me the truth about my son and couldn't keep me from being a part of it any longer.
I was man enough to admit that I had not been the perfect father or husband in the last few years. I had made promised to Evie about cutting back at work after Hannah was born, and I did not live up to those words. She had been right; I worked more instead of less, and I was gone longer every time. I went out and did my job, and I took risks because it made my work better, but I had never stopped to consider my family at home, worrying about me while I took those risks. I just did what I wanted, to serve my passion, and what I felt was my purpose.
Hannah had been easy to make amends with. She was a little girl who just wanted her daddy, and now that I had been home, I felt like I was starting to give her something she had missed. The only thing that could have made it better would have been to be at home with her and Evie every night. I had to make amends with Evie for us to heal. I had to be willing to turn the page because I loved her. I always had, and I had never stopped loving her. She was the other piece of me. I lost my way, hell, we both did, but we could find the way back. We had to because I couldn't picture my family as anything but whole and being whole did not include me living somewhere separate from them.
In my mind, I started to formulate a plan to prove my heart to Evie, because proving my love to her, that I was not going to leave again, was an important piece to our puzzle. She had to not only see that I had changed but believe it too. From the comfort of my living room couch, I pulled out my laptop, and with a few keystrokes and a few charges on my credit card, I made several purchases that I hoped might bring a smile to Evie’s face.
I put my laptop away just before my phone rang. Picking it up, I felt a mixture of nerves and excitement at the name on the caller id.
“Hello, this is Brett Capal,”
I answered.
“Brett, it’s Thomas, Thomas York. How are you?”
“Honestly, I’m a little nervous right now.”
He chuckled. “Nothing to be nervous about. I’ve got good news. We’ve narrowed it down to three candidates, and we’d like for you to come here in person, to meet the committee and interview.”
“Wow, Thomas, that is amazing, thank you.”
“Your career speaks for itself, Brett. And your resume is damn impressive if I do say so myself. Listen, can you be here Wednesday at two? I know it is kind of short notice, but we’re trying to get someone hired pretty quickly so they can jump in next semester, maybe even the summer semester if things go right.”
Wednesday was my day with Hannah, and even if the meeting was only a couple hours, there was no way I would be back in time to her up from school. I had to talk to Evie and hope for the best, but I couldn’t let the opportunity pass me by. “Yes, I can be there, Thomas, not a problem.”
“Fantastic! I am really looking forward to meeting in person. I’ll email more details by the morning, and Brett?”
“Yes?”
“Listen, I’m not supposed to say this, but you’re the front-runner for this job and meeting the committee is more of a formality than anything. The job is pretty much yours if you want it. Congratulations.”
“Thank you, Thomas, thank you so much. I look forward to Wednesday.”
After I hung up the phone, I jumped up off the couch and did a victory dance in the middle of the living room, pumping my fist.
“Whoooooooo!” I yelled to the empty house.
My elation carried me through the next couple of hours as I went through my closet, trying to decide on the right thing to wear. Thomas had said I had it in the bag, but I still wanted to make a good first impression on the committee. It wouldn't be unheard of for them to change their mind, so I had to bring my A game on Wednesday. After those details were settled on, I decided I needed to call Evie and hope that she wasn’t going to ride me too hard about needing to change my day with Hannah. My phone rang before I could call her though and I was surprised to see her name on the display.