Black Ice

by Camille Mackenzie

  “I know she loved you. And you loved her. That’s what is important. Just remember that.”

  “Yeah…” she whimpered. “I will…Yuri?”

  “Yes?”

  “Why-why did she have to go? She was getting better.”

  I listened as a sob caught in her throat. She apologized, placed the receiver down and went away. In the background she cried for a few minutes more. I clutched the phone and felt my heart break. She came back eventually sounding exhausted as I listened to her climb into bed.

  “You can cry with me, Sage.” I had assured her. “You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

  She laughed lightly. “I wish that were true.”

  “It is. I would never ask you to push your feelings down. They’re yours and you’re entitled to them.”

  “Thank you, Yuri. That means a lot to me.”

  “You mean a lot to me.”

  She went silent after I said that. I didn’t know what I meant by those words. I didn’t really know how I felt. I just knew she was sixteen. She was just a kid. I couldn’t think of her as anything else. Ever.

  “What time is it there?”

  I stretched out and I crossed my legs at my ankles. “Just after midnight.”

  “A new day.” She muttered.

  “Yeah.”

  “I should let you go then. Thanks for taking my call. I feel better now.”

  “You’re welcome…you don’t have to go.”

  I’d hesitated to say my goodbye. It was the first time I’d heard from her in months. And I missed her. Yes. I followed her social media accounts and checked in with her there. But this was different. I could hear her voice. She was talking directly to me. Not into a camera for her followers. I could hear her breathing with mine. And it all made me feel good again.

  “You can stay and talk to me. We can keep each other company. I can’t sleep.”

  “You can’t?” She asked as knocking started up at my door.

  I pressed the phone to my body, jumped out of bed and locked the door.

  “Nope.” I huffed. “Just not tired I guess.”

  “Oh…”

  “Do you want to talk about your mom?”

  “Do you really want to hear about her?” She doubted.

  “She made you and you’re pretty amazing. Why wouldn’t I?”

  At the time, I’d known very little about her mother. Just the basics. Like her daughter, she was a figure skater. She competed in Ice Dancing and won silver at the Olympics. And now I knew that she’d lost her long battle with breast cancer.

  “Tell me whatever you want. I’m here to listen.”

  That night we had talked until the sun came up on my side of the world and went down on hers. It made me happy to listen to her voice as she had talked about her mother. There had been some tears. But mostly, she was happy that her suffering had ended. I was too. It felt like a part of Sage’s suffering had ended as well.

  When we finally said goodbye, I packed my bag and took all the free cash I kept in my drawer. I left a note for Zoya and told her where I was going. I’d known that there was a possibility she wouldn’t be here when I got back. I’d taken that chance for Sage. Back then, I said it was because she was like family. It was because I loved her like a sister. But the truth was I didn’t just love her, I had been falling in love with her for a long time. I just didn’t know it then.

  I landed in Detroit a day later. Within hours I checked into a hotel and with Dean’s reluctant permission, I went to see Sage. I found her at the arena. She wasn’t skating. Instead she had been sat in a seat staring at the ice for the past hour.

  “I never wanted to skate,” I’d told her staring at the ice as well.

  She gasped and I felt her gaze when she looked up at me. “My mother made me do it. I wanted so bad to hate it. But she knew me better than I knew myself. That’s what makes them so special. They know us the best. And they love us the most.”

  Sage reached up and took my hand. I sat beside her quietly. The chair was like sitting on bare cement. The back dug into my skin. But the moment Sage had rested her head on my shoulder, I had forgotten about all of that.

  “Sometimes, I want to runaway. But it’s just not possible.” She had murmured.

  “Why not?”

  I thought that she meant the destination wasn’t somehow plausible. Or that time wouldn’t allow her. But she admitted something much sadder.

  “I can’t runaway from myself, although I’ve tried.”

  “You’re going to be okay. You’re going to get through this.”

  “Please don’t say that. Because you don’t know what’s it’s like for me. They all hate me.”

  “No one hates you. Just not possible.”

  “And now that Mom is gone. I’m alone.”

  “Sage, what are you talking about? You aren’t alone. You have me.”

  “For now.”

  I hadn’t known how to respond to that. Nor did I really know what she meant. I just assumed it all had something to do with the lost of her mother. Which in some ways it did. But Sage was suffering even then. She was crying out for help. And we all ignored her, because she was smart, beautiful and talented. We chose to see what we wanted instead of what was there. A girl who was in constant pain. Who didn’t think she deserved unconditional love because she only ever got the opposite.

  “It’s going to be okay.” I’d told her.

  I said that a lot over the next few days. That week we’d gotten through the funeral together. When I returned to Russia a month later, Zoya was gone. I had not blamed her. I couldn’t. She deserved better than to be the place holder for a girl I couldn’t have. A girl I loved more than she loved herself.

  ##

  As I’m coming out of a triple axel. I see Sage standing in her skates, at the edge of the rink. I stop my forward momentum and watch her from across the ice. She smiles at me shyly and waves her fingers loosely. I realize that she’s been here for a few minutes, I just hadn’t noticed. She looks beautiful with her dark curls crowning her head. She’s even got a black haltered skate dress exposing the scars on her arms.

  I hold out my hand and beckon her forward. As she skates toward me, I wish I could give her my eyes. I just want her to see herself as I do.

  “I’ve always liked the power in your spins.” She takes my hand and admits.

  “I’ve always admired the same in yours.”

  We move together as she giggles. “Well mine are better so…”

  “Yours are different and we’ll leave it at that.”

  She smiles at me and I forget we’re on the ice altogether. I don’t see her suffering in her eyes. I can’t feel how it pains me. I forget that we’re anything but two halves of one heartbeat.

  “The start of the Grand Prix circuit is less than three weeks away. To change disciplines now and skate in Pairs would be madness.”

  “Maybe. But I’m willing to be a little mad with you.”

  “Yuri, I’m serious. We have no routine. No experience as partners. This could be a disaster.”

  I spin her around and pull her back into my chest. She goes easily. Because we know each other. We trust each other. I tilt my head to her ear.

  “Or it could be the best thing you’ve ever done. Winning Gold in two separate events.”

  “Yeah and what do you get out of this?”

  “You.”

  Sage breaks out of my hold and skates around me. I follow her movements. Dancing along to a song we can only feel. She takes my hand again and we spin together. The sound our skates make together on the ice is all the music I need anyway.

  “You said you loved me the other night.” She says suddenly.

  I bring us both to a quick stop. Our chests heave up and down as we breathe in the chilled arena air. I glance down at her scarred arm. She looks down at it as well. Then back at me, trying to read the expression on my face. She’s scared that she’ll find rejection, but she doesn’t have to worry about th
at.

  “I remember.” I tell her.

  “Was that because we were about to—”

  “It was because, I love you more than anything else in this world. More than you love yourself. And I’ll love you until you can love yourself.”

  Sage blinds me suddenly, covering my eyes with both of her hands.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I don’t want you to see me cry. Again.”

  I chuckle. “Sage—”

  “Why do you love me?”

  I wait for the laughter to enter her voice. I listen closely and try to hear her flirty or cute sensibility. It never comes because she isn’t joking. Sage truly wants to know. She doesn’t understand that I see my entire world when I look at her and that everything makes sense when she is beside me.

  “Because I do.” I tell her simply. “Because in one way or another, I’ve always loved you.”

  Sage whimpers. “Don’t say those things and don’t love me.”

  “Too late on all accounts.”

  “I’m sick. I need help.”

  “Why does that matter?”

  “It matters. Believe me.”

  She’s giving me reasons to not love her, letting me make a clean break and walk away. But I know she’s a little lost and I’ve never been more confident in my feelings.

  “We can find you a good psychiatrist in the area. Work in your sessions into your training schedule.”

  “No. If I meet with someone it has to be after the Grand Prix.”

  “Sage the Grand Prix is the next six months of events. You need help now.”

  “I can’t do it now. I’m so close to being done with school. I don’t want to lose my scholarships. You know what will happen, if I get help now--they’ll commit me. Yuri…please don’t let them take me away.”

  “It would be a few weeks at worse. You can still make the second half of the season.”

  Fear grips her voice. “I-I can’t. It won’t work. Yuri…”

  Everyone in her life has let her down. They’ve disappointed her, including me. I can’t disappoint Sage again. What’s six months? I’ll be with her and I won’t let anything happen to her. I can protect her. Still…

  I drag Sage’s hands from over my eyes and I turn over her wrist. These scars are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. But worse than that would be losing her. I think of that night. I hear the phone ringing. Her dry and distant voice. Finding her on the hotel room floor.

  “You need help…little bird, I don’t want to be without you.”

  “Then don’t let them take me away. Please.”

  “Sage…”

  “I’m scared…please don’t leave me. I can do this. I know that I can.”

  This is manipulation and my head knows it. But damn it, what can I do? It’s like my heart is begging me not to leave it behind. And I can’t live without my heart.

  “Listen to me, I won’t let them commit you. We can find someone we trust. But little bird your wings are broken and I can’t fix them alone. You have to trust me. I won’t leave you.”

  Sage buries her face into my chest. Her entire body shakes. I know she’s scared, and I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be deprived of help so long. But I’m here now. I can help her, help herself.

  “Okay.” She gives, “Okay.”

  “Okay.” I murmur in the space between us.

  There is so much more that I want to say. So much more that I want to ask. I want to know if she loves me. If she can love me. I want her to let me take her away from here. But I have to tread lightly, because under pressure delicate things break.

  Chapter 14.

  Sage

  My phone vibrates off my desk and falls into my lap. I look up from my textbook and find my professor staring me down from across the room. I can’t blame her, it’s been going off every two minutes.

  “Excuse me. I have to take this.” I say, jogging to the door.

  Down the hall from the classroom, I take the call. “Hey Aspen. Is everything alright?”

  “Yeah, everything is fine. I wanted to talk to you for a minute.”

  I lean my back into the brick wall. Aspen and I rarely talk in person, let alone on the phone. Since that stunt with Auntie Carrie a few weeks ago, I thought she was done with me for sure. So I’m skeptical to hear from her out of the blue.

  “Sure. What’s going on?

  “Listen, I’m going to just come right out and say this, okay?”

  My heart races at the seriousness in her voice. “Yeah.”

  “I scored a gig in New York on a Late Night Show.”

  “That’s awesome!” I shout excitedly.

  Aspen has been working on her music and acting career for nearly as long as I’ve been figure skating. Aside from a commercial she did when she was six, she hasn’t had much success. It isn’t for lack of talent. She’s beautiful too. But she hasn’t had the opportunities that I have. Her mother has spent most of our childhood focused on me and my skating. I wish she put in more effort to help her own daughter.

  “When are you leaving?”

  “In two weeks.”

  “Awesome. I’ll make sure that I stay up to watch you.”

  “Thanks…umm the thing is that I told them you and Yuri would do an interview. You know how everyone has Olympic fever this year.”

  “An interview? Aspen we have a competition in a few weeks. Yuri and I haven’t been partners for long. We need all the time on the ice that we can get.”

  “Sage, please. I never ask you for anything. This could be the thing that gets me over the hump. You know that I’ve been working really hard lately.”

  I do know that, but I have so much going on right now. And I promised Yuri that I would meet with the psychologist before we go to compete. I can’t do that if I have to leave for New York earlier than we planned. I chew my nails and rack my brain for a way to let her down gently.

  “When you think about it Sage, it’s not too hard to do. We’re all going to be in New York at the same time…so it makes sense.”

  “I know but, I have so much going on.”

  “You always do. I just can’t believe that I’m finally getting a chance.” Aspen says. “You’re so lucky, Sage. Everyone has always supported you.”

  I have so much that she doesn’t. It’s not her fault that her parents have spent most of our lives completely wrapped up in my skating. She didn’t ask for this, and yet she’s suffered because of me. It’s just one weekend. I should use my success to help her because that’s what you do for family.

  “Fine, I’ll talk to Yuri and we will try to make it work.”

  “Ah!” she screams. I pull the receiver away for a moment to save my eardrums. “You’re the best. I swear, I won’t ask for anything else.”

  We say our goodbyes and then I call the doctor right away to cancel my appointment. It took a lot of work to get in with Doctor Hamilton. I sneak back into class dreading to face Yuri at practice. It’ll be hard for him to understand at first. But I’ll just have to help him see why it’s important that I do this for Aspen.

  Yuri

  “It’s a power smoothie.”

  She looks at me skeptically. “A power smoothie?”

  “Yes. Very good for you. It has blueberries, mango, banana and almonds with whey protein.”

  Sage sips it gingerly before taking a bigger gulp. “Mmm. It’s really good.”

  “I know.”

  She places the cup on the bench and rolls her eyes at my smugness. I follow her to the ballet barre to help her stretch before we practice our choreography off the ice. Sage lies on her back and faces me. I take her right leg and extend it overhead. She watches me intently. My knee moves to the inside of her leg on the ground, locking her in position. She closes her eyes suddenly and I’m grateful. I’ve done the stretch before with other women, but everything is different with her. My entire body is hard.

  “You see the doctor this week.” I clear my throat and try to reason
with my lower half.

  Her breathing changes. “I was supposed to, but I had to move it.”

  “Why?”

  “I wanted to talk to you about that.”

  To extend the stretch I press her leg higher and keep my palm on her inner thigh. It forces me to lean over her body. The close proximity makes her natural smell hypnotizing. My dick reminds me how much I love her scent. Fucking strawberries and crème.

  “Aspen needs us to go to New York to do an interview, before the competition.”

  That brings my erection to halt. Thankfully. Sage switches position and we stretch her left leg the same way. Her eyes are still closed but I shake my head at her anyway.

  “No.”

  “Yuri, if we go she’ll get to sing on live tv. She also has a few auditions lined up.”

  “And what about you? Your health is important.”

  “I know but she needs this. It’s the least I can do.”

  “Sage, doing this won’t make her love you…you know that don’t you?”

  Her eyes spring open. “I know that.”

  “Then why are you doing this? You can’t carry your entire family on your back for the rest of your life. They’re using you.”

  Sage frowns. “This is my choice. Most of our lives, Aspen’s been the sacrificial lamb. Auntie Carrie does everything for me and nothing for her. If doing this will help Aspen in anyway then I’ll do it. She’s just as trapped as I am. If not worse. I had you, Yuri and Dean. She’s never had anyone in her corner. Ever.”

  Sage is naturally good. A rare quality in such a dark world. Her heart reflects that, because she holds so much love for a family who has never loved her back. They take pieces of that big heart and they toy with it. They break it. They say it’s not good enough and yet, they still want more. Sage’s breaks herself down time and time again. She builds everyone else up. No one ever told her that her happiness is important. I don’t think any of them believe it. She loves her family too much to see the truth.

  “How will you handle your exams?”

  “I’ll study on the way there and back. We’ll do the interview Friday and compete Sunday.”