“I’m on your doorstep. If you want me to go, I will. Just say the word.”
In a rush, Emma flew to her living room window and peeked through the curtains. Xavier took a step back and waved up at her. Of course he knew where she lived, she thought. He’d searched through all her Nost account information. She felt a renewed surge of anger. How dare he?
“I don’t know. Seems like you already know so much about me. You’re a stranger, so why would I invite you up?” She watched him on the sidewalk. He looked dejected, in his windbreaker and jeans, his perfectly coifed dark hair seeming to absorb the streetlamp light. He was so tall and imposing in person, and even looking down at him from the third floor, she could see the breadth of his shoulders, see how his big palm dwarfed the cell phone in his hand.
“Emma, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. I swear. Ask me anything.”
“Tell me one thing nobody knows about you.”
Xavier began to pace on the sidewalk. “What do you mean?”
“A secret. Tell me that, and I’ll let you up.” She watched him fidget. “Make it a good one.”
Xavier bit his lip and let out a long sigh. “Fine.” He let out a long breath. “My mom was bipolar. She was institutionalized, too, for a bit when I was young. Only my dad knew about that. I never told anyone. Not even Sasha.”
Emma felt blindsided by the sudden revelation. His mother had been bipolar? She realized they had more in common than he thought. Her father suffered from severe depression all his life...and nearly killed himself over it.
“Because of Mom’s illness...well, let’s just say she had a hard time being faithful to my dad. Not that that stopped him from loving her until the day she died.”
“Oh, Xavier,” she said, her heart breaking for him. She knew what kind of damage could be wrought between two people who tried to love each other despite their biggest obstacles. Her parents had failed, as her mom made the hard choice to leave her dad when he stopped seeking treatment for his depression.
Xavier glanced up, a pleading look on his face. “Now, will you let me in? Please? It’s starting to rain.”
Emma glanced at the sidewalk near him and saw it was suddenly dotted with raindrops. He spread his free arm wide.
“Please, Emma. I just want to talk.”
Emma considered the request and felt like she couldn’t turn him away. Despite feeling betrayed, she still wanted to know more about the man. She couldn’t help herself.
She left the window and punched the buzzer, opening the door downstairs. Emma listened to his heavy footsteps on the stairs and then suddenly he was standing at her front door. She’d forgotten at that very moment she was wearing her least sexy pajamas until she looked down. No matter, she thought. Tonight, I’m not getting naked. Not this time. Not before I get some answers.
Xavier swooped in for a hug but Emma stopped him with her hand.
“You said you wanted to talk,” she said, proud of herself for holding him at bay. “That’s what we’re going to do.”
Surprised, Xavier took a step away from her and nodded as he slipped into her living room. “You’re right,” he agreed. “We should talk.”
Emma crossed her arms over her flannel pajama top. “I’m listening.”
Xavier sat down on her small leather love seat. “I screwed up, Emma. I know I did. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. What can I do to make it up to you?”
Emma sat down on the small blue chair adjacent to the couch. She didn’t trust herself to sit next to him. He already felt too big for her small living room, his long legs nearly bumping against her glass coffee table.
“Tell me about your childhood.”
“I don’t see how that’s relevant.” She could see how he took on a defensive stance, his shoulders tensing. He was a walking vault, she thought, a locked door.
“I want to know about you. And you owe me details. That’s how you’ll make it up to me.” Emma crossed her arms across her chest.
Xavier nodded, seeming to get her message: she wanted information and she wanted it now.
“I grew up on the South Side, where most people I knew either grew up to join the police or to join a gang—there really weren’t many other options. My dad worked his whole life as a plumber, a decent job, and he was faithful to my mother every day he lived, but...” Xavier shook his head. “She’d go manic sometimes, and when she did that, she was just this unstoppable bundle of energy...and then she’d go out, and sometimes, I don’t know why, she just went home with other men. It crushed my father, and I vowed, no matter what, I wouldn’t be him.”
Emma felt like she began to understand Xavier better. “And then came Sasha.”
Xavier nodded. “I was never the get-married type, but I just fell for Sasha hard. I guess she reminded me of my mother in a good way. She wasn’t bipolar, wasn’t manic, but she had the same kind of charisma, the same energy, I guess. Turns out, they had more in common than I thought. Sasha also cheated when she got bored.”
Emma reached out her hand and Xavier took it. She suddenly saw Xavier as he must have felt when he discovered Sasha’s infidelity—a scared boy brought right back to when his own mother had done the same to his father. Emma didn’t know that. Her mom led a mostly boring life, raising her and her brother in a modest house in the suburbs. They still went home monthly for dinner at Mom’s house. Dad moved to California years ago, and they didn’t see him much. None of her boyfriends had ever cheated on her—that she knew of. Though, if anything, she’d been tortured with neglect, like with Devin, who’d lost interest the second they’d moved in together.
“Everyone cheats when they get tired of a relationship,” Xavier continued.
“I wouldn’t.” Emma shook her head firmly.
“How do you know?” Xavier cocked his head to one side, doubtful. “Everyone can cheat. Everyone has the capacity to cheat. It’s not something you plan, I don’t think. It’s something...well, you have the need, the resentment builds, and then you find yourself in a stranger’s bed.”
Emma hesitated. Was that true?
“Ask yourself—if you’d met me in a bar when you were still with Devin... Would you have really turned me down?” A confident smile curved his lips upward. She tried to imagine her life with Devin, if he hadn’t taken the job that took him out of state, if she hadn’t realized how easy it was to let him go.
“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. She met his golden gaze and then glanced away, but then studied his thick, strong hands. The hands that she knew could bring her so much pleasure. She shivered. “Maybe,” she admitted.
“I know I wouldn’t be able to resist you,” he said and she felt a growing heat in her belly. He let out a long sigh. “And what if all relationships end that way? All of mine have. Either I’ve tired of the woman, or the woman has tired of me.”
“But...” Frustration welled in Emma. “You can’t say for sure all relationships are like that. Look, I know many that fail. My parents, for instance.”
“What happened with them?” Xavier leaned forward.
“My dad suffered serious depression. He was always switching out meds, but nothing seemed to work. He tried once to kill himself.”
“Oh, Emma.” Xavier reached out for her hand. She let him take it.
“One day, Dad just decided he’d had enough of the drugs and the therapists, and he just quit. He always said the drugs made him feel like he was sleep-walking through life, and he didn’t want to do that anymore, and Mom, well... Mom decided she couldn’t handle it anymore. She left him and took us with her.”
“I see.” Xavier seemed to process this a bit. “So you understand what I mean. Love doesn’t last. Your parents were just smart and admitted it earlier than most. Who do you know that’s been in a marriage twenty-five years and can’t keep their hands off each other?”
Emma th
ought a second. Aunts and uncles and neighbors flitting through her mind, all couples that seemed decidedly tepid in their affection at best. “I can’t, I guess.”
“See?” Xavier looked sad. “I don’t even know if monogamy is a reasonable goal. For anyone.”
Emma felt disappointment strike her fast and hard. She might not be wanting to get married this second, but could Xavier truly feel this way? Was he really so determined never to be faithful?
“It’s no accident that Nost is so successful. I’m not the only one who feels this way,” he said. “I’m not alone. I made Nost because it seemed safe, it seemed like a way to ensure that nobody got close enough to hurt me again. I did it to protect myself, because if I fell for Sasha, I could fall for someone else, and I didn’t want to be that vulnerable ever again.” Xavier stared at the floor, unable to meet her gaze. Emma saw how vulnerable he was, how open. He looked up then, his golden eyes full of sadness...and something more, guilt. Then it clicked for Emma.
“There wasn’t anything wrong with you walking away from Sasha. I know you must feel guilty about that.”
Xavier’s head snapped up, defensiveness in his posture. “Why do you say that?”
“Because of your father. Your father showed you a model of always staying with the person you love, no matter how bad it gets. And you must’ve felt like maybe...maybe you weren’t strong enough to stay with Sasha. But that’s not right at all. You stood up for your needs, and that’s healthy. That’s important. It actually makes you strong, not weak.”
“I...” Xavier just stared at her, speechless. “How did you know that? I don’t think I’ve ever really known that. But... You’re right. My father, he always seemed so perfect in love, so patient. I’m not that patient. Never was.”
“And that’s okay. Don’t you see?” She squeezed his hand tighter. “Not every relationship is a life sentence. Some don’t work out and that’s okay, too.”
Xavier studied their hands, intertwined. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It can be,” she urged him.
Xavier leaned forward and gently took her hand in his. “I never thought I’d even consider love again, but you make me wonder. You got past the wall I built, and it was a pretty amazing wall. A hundred feet high, made of steel.”
Emma felt her heart surge a little. She had? But did she want that? Xavier was damaged, possibly beyond repair.
“But you don’t believe in monogamy.”
“That’s right.” He nodded.
“You think all relationships die.”
“Yes.”
“So...what are you asking me?” Emma didn’t know if she could give him what she wanted. Or that he could give her what she needed.
“I want...to get to know you.” The words seemed almost to stick in his throat. “When I’m not with you, I’m thinking about you all the time. I’m Googling you. Hacking the Nost database to find out even the smallest detail about you. You intrigue me, Emma Allaire. Even now, wearing that plaid flannel, no makeup on... All I want to do is strip you naked and make you come.”
Emma felt warmth creep into her cheeks. All of that was so flattering...and yet, he never wanted a real relationship. He said as much.
“But I thought you didn’t want a relationship,” she said. “You were so sure.”
“I’m not sure I do, and that’s just me being honest,” Xavier said. “But if I did want one, I’d want one with you.”
Xavier moved slowly closer to her, leaned in so their knees touched. Emma felt a spark even through her flannel bottoms. Why did the proximity of this man do such things to her? She knew she ought to keep her guard up and yet, all she wanted to do right then was lean forward and put her mouth on his.
“Be honest with me, Emma. Do you even know what you want? You had experience before me, but that experience...well...” He grinned. “You’ve had boyfriends who’ve never pleasured you the way I have.”
This was a true statement.
“Do you want to explore this chemistry? You and I both know this doesn’t come along every day. Do you really want to end it?” That had been her argument, and now he’d co-opted it. Xavier was now firmly in her personal space. She could smell his scent: something spicy and sweet. No, she didn’t want to end it. Not really. That had been a lie.
He leaned forward and whispered in her ear, “Say the word, and I’ll go.”
“I—I don’t want you to go.” Her voice was a low croak.
“Then, come here.” His voice left no room for argument as he patted his own lap. She slid off her chair and went to him, her body seeming to have a mind of its own. She straddled him on her sofa, distantly realizing her curtains beyond were slightly parted. This is more privacy than an alley, she reasoned, but somehow, with Xavier, she still felt on display. It was the way he looked at her, drinking her in.
He tackled the buttons of her pajama top one by one, each one releasing a bit more skin, as she stared at him. Now that she knew more about him, about his difficult childhood, all she wanted to do was comfort him, make it better, heal those old wounds. Knowing more about him made her fiercely protective, too. I want to fix you, she thought in her head, as he slid her top free. Naked beneath, she arched her back a bit, her nipples puckering in the cool air of her condo. He murmured his appreciation as he rubbed one nipple with his finger, and cupped the other breast with his hand.
“You’re beautiful,” he said, studying her body. “Simple perfection.”
His gentle touch sent ripples of pleasure through her body as she leaned into his touch. She could feel his lap stiffen in anticipation, and she ground into him as she bent down and claimed his mouth with hers. The fireworks began then, passion exploding in her mind with urgent want. Knowing him made the kiss even more intense, she thought, as she anticipated every move his mouth made. She knew him on a deeper level and that made the passion even stronger. Couldn’t he feel that, she wondered? Couldn’t he feel how well their mouths fit together?
Xavier broke free. “I want you,” he murmured.
“I want you, too,” she replied, a low whisper in her throat.
Then Xavier stood, lifting her in his arms, as if she weighed nothing. He carried her to her bedroom, where he laid her gently on her bed and kissed her once more, their tongues melting together in a desperate heat. Here, with his weight on her chest, she felt like she’d known him for years. He anticipated her every want, his hands driving her wild. He seemed to know exactly how she wanted to be touched, as if he could see right into her mind. She let him take her to the places she knew he would, leading her right to the edge.
* * *
Xavier devoured Emma’s body. He couldn’t get enough of her, her perfectly puckered pink nipples, the way she moaned in such delight as he touched her. Her body was an instrument he’d never get tired of playing, and as he explored her curves, he realized with a shock that he’d never felt this way about anyone before. Was it her amazing pheromones? She smelled delicious, and tasted even better. He’d had many women, but something about her just instantly made him hard. His desire and need for her thrilled him and frightened him all at once. If he needed her this badly, what would happen when he lost her?
He tried to push the worry from his mind, even as he slipped inside her, feeling her tense around him, hugging him so deliciously tight. She wrapped her bare legs around his waist and he thought he might come then and there. Amazing. Just absolutely amazing. Mind-blowing, even. Could he allow himself the risk of wanting her? Did he even have a choice?
She pulled him deeper inside her, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to last much longer. He needed to fill her, needed to make her his.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
XAVIER CAME AWAKE the next morning to the smell of pancakes filling the small apartment. He rolled over and found Emma’s side of the bed empty, and heard the clatter in the kitchen that was his
lover making him breakfast. He fell back into his pillow, inhaling the sweet scent, feeling strangely satisfied. Perhaps it was because he’d spent the night exploring Emma’s body. God, he just never got tired of the woman. Could it be that they shared a passion that wouldn’t wane?
He sat up on his elbows. He still wasn’t convinced. He wasn’t like his father. He didn’t believe that love came to stay. He believed that love came and went, on its own accord, on a timetable known to no one. He was playing with fire with Emma, and he knew it. He shouldn’t have spent the night, shouldn’t have indulged in all that sex. He felt warm and comfortable, and that was dangerous. He grabbed his phone off the dresser and glanced at the face of it. No urgent messages from work, so he had that flexibility. He noticed the Nost app told him he had ten messages waiting for him, but for once, he didn’t feel the urge to check them. He remembered, distantly, messaging a few women last night before he discovered that Emma might be in trouble. Now that urge to see another woman faded into the background. He had all the woman he wanted, right here. Of course, that was what troubled him. He still felt uneasy about his growing need for Emma. The lazy Sunday stretched out before him and all he wanted to do was spend it with Emma. Preferably naked.
He rolled from bed, pulled up his boxers and his jeans and walked into the living room. He saw Emma, blond hair messy, wearing an oversized sweatshirt and nothing else, and he wanted to spend the day with her. Hell, the month. Maybe longer.
“Morning, sexy,” Emma called from the kitchen, her eyes flicking appreciatively down his bare chest. “You hungry?”
“Starved.” He grinned as he set his phone on the breakfast bar. “We worked up an appetite.”
“You bet we did.” Emma sent him a knowing glance and her delicate features made his groin tighten. God, she was beautiful. What had he done to deserve such a beautiful woman? He wanted to drop at her feet and worship her...with his tongue, he thought, a wry smile spreading across his face. He closed the distance between them and swept her into his arms, dipping his head so he could kiss her lips. Her lips were so willing, so soft, that he wasn’t sure if he could control himself long enough to eat breakfast.
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