Emma fed him a bite of pancake.
“Mmm, delicious,” he said, appreciative, as she flipped the last pancake onto a nearby plate. He grabbed the syrup from the table and the bowl of berries she’d washed and headed to her breakfast bar.
“I’ll get a separate plate,” she offered, but he waved her off.
“Let’s share one,” he said.
She giggled and then took the tall stack of pancakes to the bar. The coffeemaker dinged, announcing a new full pot of coffee. “Do you want coffee?” she asked him. “Do you even...drink coffee?”
“I do. Black,” he said.
“Oh, too strong for me,” she said, grinning, as she poured her own cup and added a hefty serving of milk so that the cup was almost beige and three big spoonfuls of sugar. “I like it sweet.” He found, with surprise, that he liked that little detail. Now he knew how she took her coffee. Wasn’t that something every long-term couple knew? Usually those kinds of details made him nervous, but suddenly, he was glad to store that bit away. Remember it for later. He wondered what would be her favorite order from Starbucks. He found himself wanting to know more about her, that no detail seemed too small. What was happening to me?
“Syrup?” he asked her, and she nodded.
“Yes, please. As much as you can handle. Sweet tooth, can you tell?” She grinned at him. He doused the stack in syrup and then took a hunk of the stack and offered it to her. She leaned in and took the bite, as he watched her perfectly pink lips wrap around the fork.
“Mmmmmm,” she murmured, closing her eyes. “Delicious.”
“Not as delicious as you,” he said and grabbed a bite for himself. “What’s your favorite meal of the day?”
“Breakfast, by far,” she answered immediately.
“Have you been to Dawn? The new restaurant in the west Loop?”
Emma shook her head.
“I have to take you there,” he said. “You’re going to love it. They have this amazing banana walnut French toast.” Xavier found himself eager to take her to his new favorite brunch place, as soon as possible...maybe even next weekend. The fact that he was already making plans in his head with Emma for the following week should’ve caused him more anxiety, but instead it all just felt right. He’d take Emma out next Sunday, because he’d see her that whole weekend. He’d make sure of it.
“I’d love to go.” She took another bite of pancake and he felt buoyant, upbeat.
“What do you want to do today?” he asked her. “Go out? Stay in?” He pushed his knee against hers.
“Anything you want to do,” she said. “I’ve got no plans.”
“Let’s play it by ear.”
Soon enough, the two polished off their plate of pancakes, Xavier feeling happily full. Usually, he watched his carb and sugar intake. You couldn’t get cut muscles on a diet of junk, but even he had his splurge days. Today would be one of them, he decided. He went into the bedroom to grab his shirt, the air in the apartment suddenly feeling chilly.
He helped Emma clean up the dishes and then he joined her on the couch. She flicked on the TV and he joined her, as the political shows came on.
“I always watch,” Emma said, nodding to the roundtable commentators on the screen. “I like to know what’s going on.”
“Me, too,” Xavier said, surprised to find someone else who was interested in politics. Usually, reality TV took a front seat and news a backseat. Everything I learn about her just makes me love her more. The thought shocked even him. Was he really thinking about love?
They settled in to watch the show and Emma curled up next to him, and the feel of her cuddled under his arm made everything feel right in the world. She pulled up a soft throw and tucked it around them. They just fit together, like they were made for each other. Their passion was amazing, that was true, and yet, here, in this tender moment, Xavier felt content as well. Could they really have both passion and tenderness? Was that even possible? Normally, Xavier felt restless when he sat with a woman—he usually only felt at home when the clothes were off—but here, snuggled in together on a couch beneath a blanket, he felt like there was nowhere else he wanted to be. The restlessness in him evaporated. He could see himself here, on her couch, with her in his arms, watching TV for endless weekends to come.
Was he really settling in? Was he really considering a serious relationship?
Something about Emma just made the whole idea seem not just possible, but inevitable. They fit together in a way he’d never fit with another woman. Could he take the chance that maybe he’d been wrong about relationships? Emma snuggled into him and he felt happy. How could he not take the chance? He wanted this: Emma in his arms, naked and wild on Saturday night, and then tender and cuddly Sunday morning. Maybe he could have both. Maybe he should try.
During a commercial break, Emma shifted a bit against him, and Xavier stretched, too.
“Nature’s calling,” he said, hating to break their warm embrace. “I’ll be right back.”
* * *
Emma watched Xavier dip into the adjacent bathroom and sighed. She could get used to that amazing hunk of man walking around her apartment. She hadn’t realized how small it was before she saw his broad shoulders in it, seemingly taking up all the available space. She didn’t mind, though. He was tall and imposing, and, oh, so strong. She thought back to how he’d picked her up the night before and carted her off to the bedroom, and she could feel the tingle of the memory in her toes. She still wasn’t sure how she felt about his relationship anxiety, the way he seemed so skittish about commitment. She told herself she wasn’t exactly looking for a ring on her finger either at the moment, but since she’d never had a casual one-night stand, she didn’t know exactly how to do casual. All she knew at that moment was that Xavier made her knees weak, and she wanted more of him. Much more.
She knew how he took his coffee, and that he liked watching news shows, just like she did. They had so much in common, and yet there was so much she still didn’t know about him.
Emma snuggled up on the couch with the blanket just as his phone sitting on the coffee table dinged. She recognized the sound: it was an incoming message from Nost. Emma glanced up at the closed bathroom door. Should she snoop? No. She knew she shouldn’t. That was wrong. And yet... She couldn’t fight the thirst for curiosity about this man. She wanted to know everything about him. Curiosity overcame her at that very moment. She pushed down the blanket and glanced at the phone, which was still lit with the new message.
Hey sexy. Let’s get naked tonight.
The message sent a chill through her. A pit formed in her stomach. Now, unable to contain herself, she grabbed the phone and touched the message and his Nost app came up. The message was from a gorgeous brunette who wasn’t afraid to use a string bikini shot as her profile picture. She was all cleavage and amazingly flat stomach, a little hoop through her belly button. She was blowing a kiss to the camera. Emma couldn’t help herself then. She swiped through other messages. Xavier had dozens, and that was just in the last twenty-four hours. He’d also reached out to a few on his own just last night. Last night. Right before he texted her, he’d texted three other girls. With the clear intent to meet them. Emma bit her lip.
The betrayal hit her hard. Had he only reached out to her because the others hadn’t responded quickly enough?
She felt the pit in her stomach grow bigger. Jealousy flared in her, taut and ugly, and yet she knew logically she had no reason to be jealous. He’d been up front with her, hadn’t he? He’d told her he had no intention of being monogamous. He was the founder of Nost. Why wouldn’t he still be using the app? Yet, all the gorgeous women, some even younger than her, made her feel nauseous suddenly. This was what Xavier’s life was like: a phone full of beautiful women ready to take their clothes off for him, and he was only too happy to oblige them. She thought of her face in the roster, just one more in a never-en
ding list of conquests.
The room spun. I can’t do this, Emma thought, panic in her throat. I just can’t.
“Emma? What are you doing?” Xavier had come out of the bathroom and stood hesitantly outside the door.
Emma was caught, his phone in her hand. And she felt awash with another wave of new emotions: shame, guilt, embarrassment. She’d been caught snooping. Yet, now, she couldn’t unsee what she saw. She wished she’d never looked at his phone. It was one thing to imagine him with other women. It was another thing to see their faces.
“I think you should go,” Emma said, handing him his phone and wrapping the blanket tightly around her.
Confusion flickered across his face. “Emma...what?” Xavier took the phone reluctantly. He glanced down and saw the Nost app open. “Emma, you can’t be mad about this. You know I’m not looking for anything exclusive. I thought... I mean, we talked about this.”
“I know we did,” Emma said, nodding, biting her lip to fight back the tears that threatened to spill. I was just one woman among so many. He never cared about me. He isn’t capable of caring about any one woman. “I thought I could do it, but I can’t.”
Xavier moved forward, ready to join her on the couch. Emma, in a panic, stood, dropping the blanket on the floor.
“No,” she said, shaking her head and wrapping her arms around herself. “I thought I could do casual. I just can’t. I can’t. The idea of you being with me and then all those other women...” She stared at his phone. “It makes me sick to my stomach. I thought I could do breezy and cool, but you know what? That’s just not me.”
Xavier stood, sadness stooping his shoulders. “You shouldn’t have looked on my phone.”
“I know.” Emma hugged herself even tighter, wishing she could take back the last five minutes, wishing she’d played it differently. But, then again, didn’t she need to know?
“Why did you?”
“Because...because... I want to know. Everything about you. I guess.”
“Now you know.” Xavier glanced at the Nost app and frowned. “But I told you...this is who I am. I can’t do commitment. I can barely even do more than a one-night stand. I told you.”
“I know you did.” Emma bit her lip, the tears forming a lump in her throat. He had been honest with her. It’s not like he’d tried to hide his proclivities. “I thought I could do this. Imagining you with another woman...it hurts.”
Now is the time for you to tell me that you’ll change, Emma thought. Now’s the time to tell me that those women don’t mean anything to you, that you’re ready to take a chance on us.
But when she looked up at him, Xavier stared at her helplessly. He seemed unable to give her what she wanted.
The two stood in silence for a moment, the weight of the impasse building an invisible wall between them.
Emma took a deep breath and tried to muster the courage to ask him the question she needed to ask, but was suddenly afraid of his answer.
“Would you have slept with one of those women last night if we hadn’t met?”
Xavier glanced at the floor. “Yes,” he admitted.
The admission hit her hard. It almost felt like a physical blow to her stomach, a deep jab. She took a step backward. She had no right to feel this hurt. He’d told her what he wanted, told her who he was, and yet, she couldn’t deny the pain, the hurt, of realizing she was just a cog in a wheel, one more body among dozens.
Why couldn’t she be enough? It was the question that bounced around her head, and made her feel small and insignificant.
“Would you ever not do that? Would you ever consider quitting Nost?”
Xavier ran a hand through his thick, jet-black hair. “Emma, I told you—”
“Yes, yes, I know. You’re afraid of love. Of risking anything. You’d rather...” Emma bit back her words. She couldn’t say them out loud. You’d rather sleep with a new woman every day.
Xavier took another step closer. “You knew this about me, Emma. I told you the very first day.” Xavier reached up to hold her, but Emma jumped back.
“I know you did.” She didn’t want him touching her. Didn’t want to melt back into his embrace and have all logic fly out the window. She didn’t want to turn a blind eye to this, to pretend it was all okay with her. Because it wasn’t.
“You seemed to be willing to try...” Xavier paused, seeming to have trouble putting a label on whatever it was they were trying.
He was right. She had been willing last night to invite him into her bed. He’d not made any promises, really. He hadn’t even said he wanted a relationship, exactly, only that he’d been drawn to her, intrigued by her. That had been enough last night for her to wiggle out of her panties, but now in the gray light of morning, with his phone dinging with incoming messages from strange women, it just didn’t seem enough.
“I guess I was wrong.” Emma couldn’t look him in the eye. She wanted him to tell her that those other women didn’t mean anything, that he could quit them anytime he wanted to, but the longer he stood there without saying those words, the more she came to be convinced that they mattered to him more than she did. “If you can’t... I mean, if you have to keep seeing other women while you see me, then I can’t do this.”
“Emma.” Xavier let out a long breath. “I just...don’t know if I can do that.”
“Would you even try, though? That’s what I want to know.” Emma met his eyes and saw the conflicting emotions there, and the conflict within him hurt her even more. Why didn’t she mean enough to him to even say he’d try? She knew what they had was special, so why didn’t he?
“Emma, what are you asking me to do? Not see anyone else?”
Emma nodded.
His phone dinged with another incoming message from Nost, another woman looking to have sex with him.
“Would you tell her, that one, right now, that you’re not interested?” Emma pointed to his phone. He looked at it and then back at her. He hesitated too long. Now, whatever he said, she thought, might be a lie. “You need to go.”
“Emma, come on. Let’s talk about this.”
Emma shook her head, the tears threatening to spill, and the last thing she wanted was for him to see her cry.
“Now,” she said, marching to the door and opening it. Now would be the time for Xavier to tell her he’d try. That he didn’t care about the women on his phone, that all he ever wanted was her. But, instead, he just grabbed his jacket and wallet from the chair in her living room and headed out. She didn’t know what hurt more: the fact that he’d probably go right on out and meet one of his Nost conquests or that he left without a single backward glance.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
XAVIER SAT ON the Brown Line train, which would take him to the Loop, which would mean a quick walk to his condo. The cityscape rushed by outside, a blur of brownstone buildings out his window on the elevated train tracks, as they weaved through buildings toward the Fullerton stop. He thought of the look of hurt and betrayal on Emma’s face and her eyes glassy with unshed tears as he left her apartment and couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt. Yet, why was he the one feeling guilty? He’d been honest about who he was. He didn’t try to hide or lie about anything, and she still ended up hurt anyway.
He shook his head as he stared out the train’s window. He should’ve known the very night he met her that this was a mistake. He knew she’d never done this before, had even been reluctant about trying it, and so he ought to have known she couldn’t handle it. Xavier sat down and scrolled through his Nost app. It was probably for the best. She’d ended what he couldn’t, and it would’ve just led to disaster anyway. Relationships didn’t work. Just ask Sasha.
The train rattled to a stop and a few passengers got off. Then a sexy blonde got on. She wore knee-high black boots with stiletto heels, skintight leggings and a short black leather jacket. Xavier couldn’t he
lp but notice her as she slid down into a seat across from him on the train. She wore heavy smoky makeup and looked like she was headed out somewhere, even though it was only midafternoon. She made eye contact with him, her blue eyes serious in a look that told Xavier she was at minimum not disinterested. He hadn’t shaved, and wore his clothes from last night, but there was no mistaking the fact that she’d noticed him. Then she dug out her phone. Seconds later, his own dinged with an incoming message.
He picked it out of his pocket and saw that the slinky blonde across from him had just sent him a message on Nost.
What’s a fine man like you doing on the Brown Line? She’d written.
When he glanced up, there was no mistaking the look on her face: desire, interest, a decided invitation. It has to be a sign, he thought, a sign that he should try to forget Emma as soon as possible. Xavier smiled at the woman, and she grinned back.
Well, well, well. The universe just delivered a sign that he couldn’t ignore.
* * *
Emma met Sarah that afternoon for a late lunch in Lincoln Square. The small Greek restaurant was half-full, despite the odd hour, though outside the weather had turned decidedly colder and the gray sky matched Emma’s gloomy mood. Fall had arrived, and Emma sat at the table wearing an oversized scarf around her neck, still fighting off the chill outside despite having been inside for fifteen minutes. Then again, she felt like she hadn’t been able to get warm since Xavier left her place that morning. She wondered if she’d ever see him again.
Emma had told Sarah the whole story, ending with Xavier’s abrupt departure.
“It’s all my fault,” Sarah said. “I never should’ve turned you on to Nost. I knew you couldn’t handle it.”
“Exactly! This is all your fault,” Emma moaned, but she didn’t mean it, not really. “No, it’s not, Sarah. You were just trying to get me laid.”
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