Private Disclosures

by Raleigh Davis

  He glances at me as he says it. I can’t tell if he’s wondering if I already know all this or if he thinks I should be offering to go find this fucker instead of him.

  I keep my expression blank. It’s none of Finn’s business what I know or don’t know. Or what I want to do to this asshole who hurt Anjelica.

  “Please don’t.” Anjelica gives a strained laugh. “I already know where he lives—right next door to my parents. When all of it came to light, people… my friends and family, really felt for me. I was the wronged fiancée. But then Kaleb left school, married Harper, moved back home, had a baby. And people stopped being sympathetic.”

  “You had a right to be angry.” I’m furious on her behalf, that this guy wasn’t run out of town. That her parents didn’t immediately move away from him. Why the fuck didn’t they take her side?

  “I did, but he and Harper are so happy together. Like, she’s more right for him than I was. And they have beautiful children. So our friends slowly forgave him. And when I wouldn’t, they couldn’t understand. The last year of college was rough for me. I lost contact with a lot of people I thought would stand by me. And I even had to limit contact with my parents, because they…” She tilts her head. “They didn’t take his side, but they couldn’t keep up the level of anger with him that I had.”

  “They were the assholes.” I want her to be as enraged as I am. “What they did to you was fucked up.”

  Anjelica shakes her head. “No, what Kaleb did to me was fucked up. But he did the right thing by Harper. And I’ve made my peace with everyone and let go of my hurt. In the end, I wouldn’t have been happy living next door to my parents in the town I was born in. I got to come to San Francisco, live out my dreams.”

  There’s quiet as we take that in. Anjelica’s more forgiving, more gracious than I can understand, although a wisp of regret lingers in her tone. To simply leave behind what that ass did to her, what her own parents did to her… I could never do it. She’s accepted her past—I can only discard mine.

  “We’re so glad you did,” Finn says.

  “Although we’re sorry all that had to happen to you,” Doc adds.

  This is where I should say something. Give her some token of sympathy. A word. A touch. Anything.

  They’re all watching me. Finn and Doc expectantly, their expressions urging me to open my mouth and be a fucking human.

  Anjelica’s watching me with resignation, because she doesn’t expect me to do any such thing. She’s waiting for me to retreat.

  She’s cracked open her deepest, darkest secret in front of me and others. And she’s already expecting me to fail her.

  “Open my folder.” I look right at Anjelica as I say it. This is the best I have to offer her. I hope it’s enough.

  “What?” Finn can’t believe it. “You want me to?”

  “Open it. Right now.” I gesture toward the screen. “Let’s see what’s inside.”

  Chapter 19

  Anjelica told us all about her broken engagement and broken heart so stoically, but now that I’ve told Finn to crack open my past, she has tears in her eyes.

  “Dev.” Her voice is thick with emotion. “You don’t have to do this.”

  But I do, because something has convinced me this is what she needs.

  “You did it.” My resolve never wavers. I look back at Finn. “Do it.”

  Finn inhales deeply, then clicks on the folder. There are very few files in there, at least compared to what was in Anjelica’s folder. Nothing that says birth certificate or parents or anything like that.

  Slowly Finn opens the first file. Up pops a scan of the news story from when I was found at the fire station. There are some interviews with the firefighters in it—“no idea who left him”; “we gave him a name”—but nothing beyond what I already know.

  Finn and Doc share a glance. They’re both smart; I don’t need to spell it out for them.

  “This is you,” Finn says. “As a baby.”

  All I can do is nod. I’ve kept this hidden for so long, out of fear of… of pity, I suppose. I don’t want pity. I don’t want to be so exposed. My breastbone aches so badly I wonder if I’ve managed to break it somehow.

  “You were left at a fire station?” Doc sounds like she can’t imagine such a horror.

  I stiffen. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I don’t want to hear how awful it was, how bad they feel about it. I had to live it.

  Finn sees my reaction. “It happens,” he says mildly. “You… you never told us this.”

  There’s no pity and no censure in his tone. Just a statement of fact.

  “I didn’t want anyone to know.” I can hear how flat my own tone is, although the emotions inside me are anything but. The pain in my chest is so fierce it’s hard to breathe.

  “Okay” is all Finn says. He closes the image. “Do you want me to keep going?”

  No. But Anjelica went on and told them everything. I force my lungs to open. The cool air burns as I breathe in. “Yes.”

  The next file is a scanned transcript of my entire time at the children’s home. Medical records, disciplinary actions, counseling sessions. I couldn’t even get these things. But somehow Fuchs did.

  This time Doc says nothing. Neither does Finn. They don’t need to state the obvious I suppose—that I was raised by the state for my entire childhood. That I never once had a stable home or family of my own.

  Somehow not having to explain it makes it easier. I don’t have to say anything—these files are doing it all for me. It’s almost cheating compared to what Anjelica did.

  “That’s the end,” Finn says quietly when we come to the last page. “Do you…?”

  “Yes,” I say without hesitation and without inflection. I’m starting to have the terrible suspicion that what I really want—my parents’ names—isn’t in here. But there’s no way to know until we go through all of it.

  This will all be worth it when I find those names. The exposure, the pain, facing their pity—my parents will make it all better.

  The rest of the files are exactly what I expect. There are my transcripts from high school and college, even some of my college applications, and lots of interviews; some with the employees at the children’s home, some with my teachers and people I’ve worked with. It’s probably the most complete picture of me anyone’s ever assembled, but it remains sparse.

  Finally Finn opens the last file. It’s notes on me, presumably written by Fuchs himself. Suspect he wrote the algorithm that made them rich stands out. So Fuchs figured that out on his own.

  “That’s it,” Finn says, his voice even quieter than before.

  Doc has been silent the entire time, but her eyes are wide. Anjelica… Anjelica has been watching me steadily, as if she’s more interested in my reactions than in whatever Fuchs has put in my file. There’s not even a hint of shock on her face.

  “Are you sure?” I ask Finn. “Could he have concealed other files somewhere on here?”

  My voice is vibrating. I can’t help it. I’m holding myself so damn still, waiting so hard for more, I might break. They have to be there.

  Finn calls up a command window, types away. After a moment, he shakes his head. “I can do some more testing, but it looks like what we can see is all that’s on here.”

  Every muscle in my body releases at once, like the puppeteer has cut my strings. Somehow I stay upright.

  My parents aren’t there.

  I’ve lived my entire life without knowing them, but this fresh loss hits me hard, harder than it ever has before. More than just my chest hurts now—every inch of me from the inside out is in pain. I’ve been chasing this for years, and I thought this time, this time, I’ve found it. That I can rest after this.

  I swear I hear Fuchs laughing at me inside my head. I know he’s not, but it feels so real.

  “They were supposed to be here,” I say, my mouth numb.

  “I’m sorry,” Finn says. When he does, I learn the true difference between
pity and sympathy.

  “Thanks.” I feel deadened, hollow inside. There’s nothing here that I didn’t already know. It was all a waste. A complete fucking waste.

  Anjelica puts her hand on my forearm. “Let’s go home.”

  I don’t know which home she means, hers or mine. Maybe hers since mine doesn’t feel like home at all. Frankly, the thought of being alone in my place repels me.

  Before we leave, I have to finish this. I look at Doc, who’s watching me with mingled sorrow and shock. I don’t care anymore though—let her pity me. “Whatever you can find in the archives on your brother is yours. Minerva can help you with access.”

  She gasps and puts her hand over her mouth. “Thank you,” she says through her fingers.

  “I should have let you in them in the beginning.” I turn to Finn. “Can you comb through them too, find anything with my name on it? I’d appreciate it.”

  He nods slowly. “Sure thing. I won’t open any of it. And I’ll… I won’t say anything about the rest of this.”

  I find that I don’t care. I don’t want it shouted from the rooftops, but if it does get out… I just won’t care. “Give everyone else their files from the drive. They deserve to see what’s in there.”

  Finn clears his throat. “About all that…” He shakes his head. “Your childhood doesn’t make any difference. It never would have.”

  That… that makes the heaviness in my chest suddenly lighter. “Thanks.”

  Anjelica pulls me out then, taking us both to where my car is parked. The night is inky and black, the stars blotted out behind the clouds.

  She lifts a hand to my face, then hesitates. I lean into her touch, needing her to anchor me. Once I do, she runs her hands over my face, through my hair. Comforting me in a way I never have been before. The numbness in my mouth begins to fade. The pain inside starts to cool.

  “You didn’t have to do that.” Pride shines out from her voice.

  “You were so brave.” I never could have done it without her example. “So much braver than I was. Are you… Do you want to talk about it?”

  She needs to talk, I know that now. To unburden herself. She’s not like me.

  “We can.” Her finger traces the line of my ear. “We can also talk about you.”

  “They weren’t there.” I work my jaw. I guess I need to talk some too. “I was so certain I’d found them, finally, but they weren’t there.”

  “We’ll keep looking.”

  I shake my head. “We’re back to square one. All that effort, fucking wasted.” My voice breaks on the last word.

  “It wasn’t.” Her hand stills on my cheek. “None of it was wasted. We just have to keep looking for him. And…” She bites her lip. “You told Finn. Finally.”

  She’s giving me too much credit; I didn’t tell Finn so much as let him stumble on it. But it’s out there now, everything I ever knew about my past.

  Anjelica cocks her head, peering intently into my eyes. “Are you okay with that? Do you want to talk about it?”

  My instinct is to not talk. To bottle it all back up. Pretend I never told Finn anything.

  “It’s fine,” I say. “It wasn’t that awful that he found out.”

  Her mouth quirks up. “Not so awful, hmm?”

  I catch her hand, link my fingers in hers. “I’m never going to be Mr. Extrovert, but yeah, it wasn’t so bad. I don’t want the whole world to know, but Finn knowing… not so bad.”

  “And the rest of the Bastards? Would it be so bad if they knew?”

  I hold her gaze for a long moment. My instincts are strong, and they are fighting. But my feelings for her are just as strong.

  Stronger, actually, because I say, “No, it wouldn’t be so bad. And I will tell them.”

  I don’t give her a time line, and she doesn’t push. I suppose this first step is enough for her today.

  “Good,” she says. “Now let’s go back to my place and get some rest. We’ve both had a long day.”

  Chapter 20

  I didn’t fully appreciate Anjelica’s house the last time I was here. I had other things on my mind. Like kissing her. And being rejected by her.

  This time it’s going to end very differently, so I give myself a moment to take in her space. The space she’s constructed for herself.

  The curtains are pulled back from the massive windows, and it looks as if the sea could reach inside the living room if it wanted to. The dunes between the beach and the highway are covered with thin, waving grasses and hardy, clinging scrub. The scene is forbidding and beautiful all at once.

  Inside the house, Anjelica has made a warm, welcoming counterpoint to the beach outside. A driftwood sculpture sits in the living room, surrounded by couches done in some heavy ivory fabric. There’s a mixture of photography and paintings on the walls, some in color, some in black and white, but all with a retro theme. It’s all so very Anjelica that it makes me feel… makes me feel like she herself does. Cared for. Welcomed. Wanted.

  When I’m here with her, I can hope again. She’s right—we can still keep looking for news about my parents. Still keep looking for Fuchs. Not everything is lost.

  Anjelica shuts the front door and locks it with a happy sigh. She’s got a faint smile on her mouth when she comes into the living room.

  “You okay?”

  I nod. “It wasn’t easy to expose all that, but it wasn’t as bad as I expected. Except for maybe Doc’s reaction.”

  Anjelica watches me for a moment. “She reacted that way because she felt for you. Anyone would. It wasn’t meant to hurt you.”

  “I know.” I give her a wry smile, one without much humor. “She’s allowed her reaction. And I’m allowed mine.”

  “Fair enough.” Anjelica ducks her head. “You think I’m pushing you too much.”

  Maybe. But maybe it’s also what I need. I don’t know. “Let’s not worry about it now.” I hold my hand out to her. I don’t want to talk about the past or anyone else. I want it to be just us in this moment.

  She comes without hesitation, eagerness in the sweep of her limbs, in the bounce of her step. She bypasses my outstretched hand to land right against my chest.

  I curl my arm around to catch her. She fits perfectly against me, her head coming under my chin. She smells like flowers and a hint of cool fog. My entire body relaxes into her. I didn’t realize how stressful the past few hours have been for me until just now, when it all releases. Finally, completely releases.

  Anjelica breathes into my chest, warming the space over my heart. She sags against me, letting me take all her weight. Revealing her past secrets has been stressful for her too. We both need this.

  “You okay?” I ask after a time. I suppose I should have asked before, but maybe this is better, asking after I’ve held her for a while. Actually helped her get to okay instead of just asking.

  She nods, her cheek rubbing against my chest.

  “You were very brave.”

  Anjelica gives a short laugh. “Hardly. I feel more embarrassed than anything. It was so long ago and I was so angry over it and—”

  “No.” I can’t stand to hear her doubt herself and her emotions. “You had every right to be angry. They were all gaslighting you.”

  I feel her smile into my chest. “How do you know that word?”

  “I’m a very enlightened guy. For example, I’m not going to track down Kaleb and make his life a misery, even though he deserves it.” His kids don’t deserve that, although I’m not sure about the wife—it sounds like she was sleeping with that dickbag when she knew he was with Anjelica. Which maybe isn’t as bad as what Kaleb did, but it’s still pretty shitty.

  But like I said, I’m enlightened. I’ll imagine punishing him rather than actually doing it.

  “I really have made my peace with it,” Anjelica says. “It took a long time, but I did it. Now when my parents mention him, it’s more of a twinge than anything else. A remembered pain instead of the real thing.”

  “They s
houldn’t be mentioning him to you at all.”

  “He’s a big part of my parents’ life. And besides… Kaleb and I wouldn’t have been happy together. If I’d married him and moved home, I’d only be half a person. I was able to come up here and find out what I really wanted out of life.” Her hand slides up my chest, curls around my shoulder. “I started a career that challenged and inspired me. I joined Bastard Capital. I made partner.” Her hand finds my neck, the back of my head, tangling in my hair. “I met you.”

  I have to kiss her then. Her mouth meets mine eagerly. I want to hear more about what she wants out of life, what she still needs, but that can wait. We have time.

  “Where’s your bedroom?”

  She pulls back and meets my eyes. “We don’t have to hold back tonight. I’m… We’re ready.”

  I swallow hard. She’s offering me what I asked for the very first time I was here. It was implicit before, but hearing her say it stuns me. Humbles me.

  “You’re so beautiful.” I kiss her temple, the corner of her mouth, the line of her jaw. “So perfect.”

  She shakes her head. “I’m not.”

  “But you are. I’ll show you.” I take her face in my hands. “I promise you’ll see how beautiful, how perfect you are to me tonight.”

  Her gaze shines. She’s the very definition of luminous—light and warmth and loveliness. “Oh, Dev.” She turns her face, nuzzles my palm.

  My cock stiffens, because as sweet as her kiss is, I can imagine her mouth touching other places. Kissing, licking, sucking all of me.

  “The bedroom.” My tone is urgent.

  Anjelica lifts her head, her eyes dark, heated. “This way.”

  Her bedroom is done in gentle shades, the colors warm and soothing. The pictures on the wall are bright, large paintings of abstract flowers. It takes a moment to recognize that they’re Georgia O’Keeffe prints and all those flowers are beautiful, bold pussies.

  I want to laugh out my delight, but then I notice the bed. It’s unmade, the sheets and blankets tossed around in a way that makes my mouth go dry.