Nice Werewolves Don't Bite Vampires

by Molly Harper

  I glanced at my mother, who didn’t respond at all to this statement. I felt very sorry for her.

  “We had a good conversation and parted as friends. If anything, I think I made a good connection with their pack we can build on, which was the point, wasn’t it?” I asked.

  “All right then, if you had such a ‘nice time,’ why did you leave so early?” Braylene asked. “We kept watch outside the restaurant, and we saw you leave about thirty minutes after you got there. That’s not enough time for any sort of date!”

  “Yeah, we need to talk about that, because y’all having date night stakeouts is a real problem for me,” I told her, sliding out of bed.

  “Don’t you talk to your aunts that way,” Mama said quietly. “They’re just looking out for you. If I had any idea you would leave in the middle of dinner, I would have stayed there myself.”

  “Where did you go?” Daddy asked. “Your uncles, aunts, and I spent all night running around town, looking for you.”

  “I went for a run,” I said, jerking my shoulder, all innocence. “You know how it is when the moon gets like this. My blood was up. I just needed some time in the woods. First, I went by the library garden and—”

  “Don’t you feed me that library bullshit again,” Daddy insisted. “We went to the library and you weren’t there. Did you sneak off to meet someone else? Is he a human? Is that why you’re being so cagey this morning?”

  I opened my mouth to reply, but my mother was faster.

  “Of course not,” she said, giving me a significant look. “You probably just missed her. A she-wolf needs to run on her own every once in a while. It’s normal.”

  The look worried me. What did my mama know?

  “Well, you’re just lucky Donnie didn’t say anything to his family about you being so unsociable. He told Alvin that you seem like a sweet girl and he had a good time. His daddy is real excited to have you go out with him again,” Daddy told me. “Alvin thinks you’re a real good match for Donnie. So just clear your schedule when we plan your next date.”

  I rolled my eyes. Poor Donnie. Maybe we could figure out a way for him to get time with Mara on these dates while I sat at the bar or something. Maybe we could double with Alex and Mara…except that would involve telling Donnie and Mara about my dating Alex and that seemed like a bad idea.

  “If we go out again, y’all are staying home,” I told him. “It’s the only way I’ll agree to it.”

  “I don’t care what you agree to,” Daddy snorted. “But we’ll talk about it, if we feel like we can trust you.”

  Temporarily pacified, my aunts and my father trooped out of my room. Mama lingered near the door. “I picked your dirty clothes of the floor earlier. Put them in the laundry.”

  My dirty clothes, meaning the dress I’d worn the night before, around Alex. While I’d been careful to wash my body, I’d figured I would launder my clothes in the morning, so I didn’t wake anybody up. Unfortunately, I’d underestimated how tired I’d be from all the sex and the sneaking around. Mama had woken up before I did and grabbed my clothes before I could wash them. It wasn’t all that unusual, except my clothes didn’t usually reek of man.

  But at least she wasn’t yelling?

  I watched Mama carefully as she stood in the doorway. I doubted very much she was keeping silent out of any instinct to protect me. She just didn’t want Daddy any more riled than he already was.

  “I’ll have ’em washed back on your bed by this afternoon,” she said, walking out of the room.

  Why was it so hard for me to make a decision that was good for me?

  I sat at my usual table at Specialty Books, reviewing my business schedule for the next few months, my bank accounts and my bills. I could afford the new apartment for at least a year, and long afterwards, if my projections held out.

  I wanted it so badly. It would obviously be healthy for me to get some space from my family, to take care of myself and become the adult I was meant to be. And yet, the idea of telling my parents that I wanted to leave, telling my Alphas, going through all the steps of packing up and leaving while my family pressured me to stay—it all just felt so impossible. A mountain I couldn’t begin to climb.

  Surely, grown humans didn’t go through all this uncertainty and turmoil when they moved out of their parents’ homes. I turned the leather-bound copy of The Princess Bride over in my hands. Maybe I just needed to ask myself WWIMD—What Would Inigo Montoya Do?

  He’d probably kick down the door to the apartment, sign the lease, and tell his neighbors that they should prepare to die if they mess with his recycling bins. Okay, probably not, but he would at least be able to tell his parents he was moving out without dithering on about it like a character in a Fitzgerald novel.

  Dick carried a box of coffee grounds into the café area and noticed the frown on my face. “What’s up, Buttercup?”

  “Buttercup? Is that my new nickname, or are you just going for low-hanging fruit that rhymes?”

  “Well, you’ve picked up that book every time you’ve come in here,” he noted.

  “That has more to do with me being a cheapskate,” I muttered, holding up the book.

  “You all right?” he asked. “You seem a little off tonight.”

  “I just have a financial decision to make. And some personal decisions. And it feels like they’re getting all jumbled up in a big yarn ball of confusion and I’m not sure I like it.”

  “Well, I don’t think you’re supposed to like confusing emotional yarn balls,” he said, sitting across the table from me. “But if you’re feeling all of this over a decision, it’s pretty obvious that it’s an important decision. And over my epic and storied lifetime—”

  I snickered.

  He wagged his finger at me. “No laughing. No one likes a smart ass. Over my epic and storied lifetime, I’ve found that when an important decision comes up, I usually know what I want to do. The dawdling and indecision usually comes from knowing that what I want to do is going to be pretty difficult. You know what’s right for you, hon. You just have to find the courage to do it.”

  “That was incredibly thoughtful and helpful advice, Dick.”

  “Why is everybody so surprised when I am helpful and thoughtful?” he asked.

  I glanced pointedly at his t-shirt, which read, “Ninety-nine percent bad decisions, one percent redeeming snark.”

  “What’s your point?” he asked just as Jane emerged from her office.

  “Ty, how’s the promotional-stuff-that-I-do-not-have-to-worry-about-and-therefore-I-will-be-happy-no-matter-what-the-results-are coming along?” she asked.

  “Really well, you had a seventy percent open rate on your last email about the book club meeting. That’s almost unheard of,” I said. “I can prepare a report for you, if you’d like.”

  “Nah, I trust you. As long as I don’t have to do it, I’m happy,” Jane assured me. “So, I hear you had an interesting evening with Alex the other night.”

  “Alex told you about the sex?” I gasped. “Or wait, did you see it in my head? What is going on?”

  Jane’s jaw dropped. “I was talking about that date you abandoned at Southern Comfort. Tess said the awkwardness was so thick, you could see it spread all over the table like mayonnaise. And then after you left, the guy invited some other girl to the table.”

  “Oh.” I shuddered. “Also, that mayonnaise thing is gross.”

  “But you had sex with Alex, that’s…interesting!” She gave me the world’s most uncomfortable thumbs up.

  “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you two,” I moaned, covering my face with my hands.

  “Um, I’m back here, too,” Gabriel called from the office. “Congratulations, I think.”

  “I’m not happy with it,” Dick said, shaking his head. “I mean, really, Buttercup, a French guy? I thought we raised you better than that!”

  “You didn’t raise me, Dick.”

  “Well, we have a deep personal emotional i
nvestment in you, so it feels like we did,” he scoffed.

  “I’ve known you for like, a month,” I reminded him.

  “Alex is a perfectly nice man,” Jane reminded him. “And he treats Tylene with respect and affection, and that’s all we can ask. Besides, he’s a good friend of Cal and Nik. They wouldn’t be friends with someone who wasn’t boyfriend material.”

  Dick grumbled as he walked towards Jane’s office. “Excuse me, I’m going to go learn the shovel speech in French.”

  “Well, that was unexpected,” I said.

  “I know it seems a little infantilizing, but for Dick, this is normal,” Jane said. “Zeb mentioned he told you this already, but for Dick - once you’re family, you’re family forever. And he will violate a lot of state and federal laws to protect his family.”

  “I don’t know if that makes me feel better.”

  She shrugged. “That is also normal.”

  Without warning a huge man burst through the door at full vampire speed, yelling in what sounded like Russian. It was alarming enough to make me shift into werewolf form, standing in front of Jane and snarling viciously before I recognized the vampire was Nik Dragomirov.

  “Aw, look at you, jumping in to defend me,” Jane cooed, scratching my back. Nik was sorted into the “not a threat” part of my brain, so my hackles dropped. Gigi practically baseball-slid into the shop, yelping at the sight of an enormous wolf occupying retail space. I huffed what I hoped sounded like an apology at Nik, who had at least stopped yelling.

  Nik threw an arm in front of Gigi, pulling her behind him. I was no longer growling or snapping, but I didn’t blame him for not wanting her near me.

  I transformed back into a human, ducking behind Jane. “Sorry! You startled me!”

  Of course, it wasn’t just that he’d startled me. It was that he’d barged into the shop, an apparent threat, and the wolf-y part of my brain had considered the shop to be my home territory.

  He was a threat to that home and the people there that I cared about, and I’d shifted without a thought to protect them.

  I gripped a nearby stool as the full force of that thought hit me. The compound wasn’t home to me anymore. The shop was home. Jane and Dick and Alex and all of them—they were my home. Somewhere inside my chest, the ropes that kept me bound to the packlands seemed to snap, the weight of them easing away. I felt like I could breathe freely for the first time since…ever.

  The shock of this unnatural change in instinctual loyalties was almost enough to distract me from the fact that I was standing naked in the middle of the shop. My clothes were shredded in a pile on the floor.

  “What’s going on?” Dick yelled, coming out of the office. He blanched and covered his face. “No! My eyes!”

  “Um, Dick, can you toss out an extra t-shirt and sweats?” Jane yelled.

  “I’m just going to stay in the office, where it’s safe!” Gabriel called.

  Dick backed into the office, his eyes still covered and knocked several books off of the shelves in the process. For his part, Nik was staring up at the ceiling, respectfully studying the light fixtures. A purple shirt and sweatpants came flying out of the office.

  “I’m just going to stay back here for a bit!” Dick called. “I think I’m coming down with hysterical blindness.”

  “Family forever,” Jane sang to me as I slipped into the clothes. “Nik, as much as I enjoy drop-in visits, care to explain your dramatic entrance? Is everything all right?”

  “I’m afraid not,” Nik said. “I need to speak to you in your capacity as Council Representative, Jane. Dick, too, when he’s comfortable.”

  “Is Ty dressed?” Dick called.

  “Yes!” I yelled back.

  “Sorry, Buttercup,” Dick said, walking into the café area. “I was not prepared for werewolf nudity.”

  “No one ever is,” I told him. “But I think Nik needs your attention.”

  By this point, Nik had calmed down considerably. I supposed unexpected nakedness tended to shock people out of their emotional states.

  “Yes,” Nik cleared his throat while Gigi settled on the barstool nearest to me.

  “You all right?” I asked.

  “Just preparing myself for the protective shenanigans to come,” she said. “You should know, he called Alex and Cal over here, too. So, you’re in for it.”

  “In for what?”

  “The ‘secret underground lair' treatment,” she said darkly.

  Gabriel and Dick poked their heads out of the office, presumably to make sure everybody was clothed.

  “I’ll start the coffee,” Gabriel said.

  Dick replied, “I’ll get the murder board.”

  “It is always this dramatic? Is the new ‘weekly terror’ element in my life because I’m dating someone that’s so much older than me or is it because he’s a vampire?” I asked Gigi quietly, while the “adults” tried to return the room into something like order.

  “A little bit of both,” she conceded. “It’s not always like this. And relationships with vampires are always sort of high tension, even the super functional ones like Cal and Iris. Nik basically had to rethink everything he thinks about women, relationships, culture. And I have to be patient. It’s all about making that effort and knowing that it’s worth it in the end.”

  I nodded, my expression thoughtful.

  “If you need anything or have any questions, give me a call,” she said. “It’s not that Jane and Dick couldn’t give you good advice, but I’m a little closer to your age.”

  “Definitely, I’ll text you my number,” I said, taking out my phone.

  “Oh, I already have it. I found your info through the Council’s databases ages ago. Jolene had to fill out paperwork when she joined Jane’s committee. You’re listed on her forms as ‘one of the few normal relatives you could contact in an emergency,’” Gigi said, tapping on her own phone, “and I just sent you the contact information for everybody in the family. And you’re on the emergency phone tree.”

  I don’t know which part was more touching—that Jolene listed me as someone she trusted in an emergency or that I’d been added to the “family” phone list. I was included here. I was appreciated. Maybe I could forge this new life with these new people and not lose everybody in the pack. Maybe I could have everything I wanted.

  This was a dangerous line of thinking, and I was grateful when Andrea got Nik calmed down enough to explain why he’d damn near torn off Jane’s shop door. There was a large mug of Calm Your Ass Down blend tea involved. “Gigi went to check the mail earlier tonight and retrieved a package from our mailbox. She found this, mixed in with the bills and junk mail,” Nik seethed, tossing a large clear plastic bag containing a small carboard box and some sort of mangled metal cannister. Both were splattered with a shiny grey substance that rolled around inside the bag.

  “It took me longer than it should have to realize there was something wrong with the package,” Gigi admitted. “It was addressed to Nik, but there were no postage marks. I was walking back to the apartment when I heard the noise.”

  “Colloidal silver,” Nik spat. “The cannister inside was loaded with it and rigged to spray when the package was opened.”

  “A nasty trick,” Jane murmured. “And painful. It happened to me a few years ago. If Dick hadn’t been there to help me, I would have died.”

  She paused to smile fondly at Dick, who winked back at her. Andrea leaned her head against her husband’s, clearly proud of his heroics. Even Gabriel, as reserved as he was, put his hand on Dick’s shoulder.

  “If the cannister hadn’t been jostled loose and sprayed early, if Gigi hadn’t heard the cannister spraying and tossed it down the hall, she could have died,” Nik said. “As you can imagine, I find this beyond unacceptable. Jane, Dick, I believe this is an escalation of the harassment Cal, Iris, and Alex have experienced. Please, tell me what you are going to do about it.”

  Jane had donned latex gloves to handle the contorted bit of met
al evidence. “Why is the cannister so beat up?”

  Nik peered down into his teacup. “When I recognized the threat to Gigi, I may have kicked it away from her.”

  “But first, he stomped it into oblivion,” Gigi noted.

  “That’s a pretty big escalation, from vandalism and spray paint to a colloidal silver bomb. Are you sure it’s the same person?” Jane asked.

  “Look at the handwriting on the package,” Nik said. “Even when you use spray paint versus a pen, your handwriting remains the same. Look at the curious way the R curves. And the A, a perfect right angle creating the inverted V shape. That’s unusual.”

  Dick wheeled the murder board out into the open and Nik pointed to the R and A shapes in the word “VAMPIRE” painted on Iris’s house and Alex’s school. “See? They’re the same.”

  “I have video this time,” Nik said. “He placed the package in our mailbox around seven, just before we rose for the day. I’ve sent it to your Council email address.”

  “How do you have video of him?” Jane asked.

  “I keep a video camera trained on our mailbox,” Nik replied, as if this was a completely normal thing for someone to do. “It sends motion capture clips to my phone.”

  Jane didn’t comment on why you would want to surveil your mailbox, which was probably wise. “Did you get his face?”

  “No, he is wearing a baseball cap that covers his face from the camera angle.” Nik played the video, showing a thin, tall masculine shape, his face shielded with a UK cap. He approached the mailbox, just as casual as you please, and placed the box inside their mailbox. He seemed to know the camera was there and was careful to keep his face tilted away.

  “Do you see that?” I asked, tilting my head as the man pulled his hand away from the box. “Can you pause it, Nik?”

  “Of course.” He poked a finger at the screen.

  I squinted at the screen. “What is that?”

  “It’s just a regular phone, Ty,” Nik said. “It’s not like the video enhancement software they use on TV shows.”

  “No, but I have werewolf vision,” I noted. “Also, you’re a damn vampire. So, your vision is probably better than mine.”